Secrets: Gallifreyan Nights
by Dr.Dalek
Summary: Sick with high fever the Doctor is forced to stay in bed in his TARDIS. But as his body becomes weaker his mind grows stronger – and he recalls all those denied years in the past, all the forgotten memories and the secrets between Koschei and him that he had kept locked away for so long... Warning: whump, sexual innuendo and mpreg.
1. Chapter 1

_His body wouldn't stop burning. He could practically see the flames emerging around him. It was so hot... It wouldn't end.  
>Martha told him it had been a fever and nothing more. She'd said he needed some sleep.<br>Hah.  
>The Doctor bristled with anger as he tossed and turned in his bed. Sleep. He hasn't slept in years. He probably didn't even know how to do it anymore.<br>But he couldn't have convinced Martha.  
>"Try" she'd said. "Just try."<br>And so his lids became heavier..._

Close your legs.  
>That's what he'd always said.<br>"Close your legs and don't let anything come between them."

My father's words.

Sometimes he used to alternate between "anything" and "anyone".  
>But back then I didn't care. Back then I didn't even know what he meant.<br>I was a child. I can't remember when it started or why it started.  
>Of course, if I look at the past like I do know...<p>

But back then I didn't know why he always said that. I just didn't understand it.

It sounded stupid. It was just stupid to say something like "Shut your legs" to a child. I would have expected something like "Shut your mouth!" or "Keep quiet!" or even "Behave!"

But no.  
>Always: Close your legs.<br>Tie them together at night.  
>Never put your legs up in the air.<br>Don't spread your legs for anyone.  
>And don't let anybody come near you.<p>

His words. Every time I played with others. Every time I stayed out. Every time I met friends.

Close your legs.

Gosh, he was horrible!

Now I know of course that he had tried to protect me. He'd wanted me to be safe. To be protected, always. He never wanted me to suffer; he'd wanted to shield me from the bad things of the world.  
>From <em>him<em>.

My father tried to protect me with every means, stupid as they were.

But in the end it was of no use.

_He_ got me nonetheless.

_He_.  
>Koschei.<p>

_He_'d always been there. _He'_d always been around. _He_'d played with me when I was a kid. _He_'d comforted me when I was growing up.  
>Always Koschei. Always by my side.<p>

My father must have known what awaited me. He must have seen the future with his own eyes.

One day he just started to stare at me, stony faced, like if something had changed, if I had changed, if something wasn't right.  
>I was still a child back then, I was twelve, I reckon, or fourteen, at the most.<br>Still a child. An innocent child...  
>My father had seen it. He knew what awaited me within a few years.<br>He must have seen the negative impact Koschei would have on my future. And he tried to change the prophecy. He tried to thwart the inevitable.  
>And of course he failed.<p>

Decades later he would tell me what he had seen, back then. And he felt guilty.

He always thought he should have tried harder. But you can't evade the inevitable destiny.  
>And he had to learn that.<p>

In the meantime I kept running. Always running. From everything.

But the only thing I should have run from was Koschei.  
>And I didn't.<p>

Mistakes.  
>That's what life is all about. It's about taking wrong turns, making wrong decisions, and ending up in a deadlock where you're unable to move. Either forwards or backwards. Simply everything's a mistake.<br>And I must know.  
>I've been a mistake myself. At least it's what my mother always used to say.<br>I was a mistake.  
>And she was probably right about that.<p>

I ought to have known better. I never should have tried it. I never should have started it.  
>I should have stayed away from Koschei, just like my father had told me. But life was full of choices and you ought to make the wrong decisions.<br>I was a mistake and I couldn't do anything except making mistakes myself.

But it was so hard to run with closed legs...

Gallifrey had been beautiful back then. Or it was only in my memory. But in my memory it was beautiful. Perhaps the best place for a child to be raised. Calm. Quiet. Well situated. And peaceful.  
>So peaceful.<br>Well, that was before the war. But at the time it was still far away. Decades...or even centuries.  
>I lost track of time, I suppose. And I can't even remember how it all started.<p>

Was it when I stayed with my friends up all night on a hill just to watch comets fly past and dead stars burning out? Or was it when Koschei and I lay on the red grass, observing the golden clouds in the sky getting torn apart by heavy storms and he told me that it should stay like this forever?  
>No, that wasn't what he said. He'd said: We should stay like this forever. And I didn't even know what he meant by that. But it made me smile nonetheless.<p>

Anyway, I can't remember. Must have been one of these days.  
>That's when it started. In one of these nights he said it for the first time.<br>"Close your legs. And never open them again." And I was too young, too irritated and too scared just to ask him what he meant by that. I simply nodded, back then. And he figured that I understood.

But it wasn't enough. It wasn't enough to swear to him.

And a week later or so he did it the first time: he tied my legs together.  
>He simply came in with a rope, grabbed my blanket off of me, wrapped the rope around my ankles and fastened it with knots. Then he left my room without saying a word.<br>At first I was shocked. Then I was scared.  
>And last but not least I refused to accept it.<p>

But my father wouldn't tolerate contradiction.  
>And as soon as I started untying my feet after he'd left my room, he tied up my hands as well.<br>And if I dared to protest he'd tie my hands to my back. But he wouldn't give in.  
>And he wouldn't explain it to me.<br>He thought it best to give me the time I needed; he thought I would, in due course, become accustomed to it.

But that didn't stop me from offering resistance.

And maybe it was wrong of my father to get angry at me. And I guess he shouldn't have hit me or even beaten me up during some of the nights, when I resisted against getting tied up, either.  
>But the worst I could have done was to admit defeat and simply accept that I'd have to tie my legs together night after night.<p>

And that's what I did.

I obeyed and I never would have opposed.

If it hadn't been for Koschei...


	2. Chapter 2

Thanks to everyone! I hope you're enjoying this!

* * *

><p><em>The Doctor opened his eyes slowly. They hurt. His face hurt. His head hurt...<br>He WAS simply pain; his body was pain itself. He took a deep breath.  
>O, he'd pay Martha back as soon as he got up again. It was all her fault. Saying that he had a fever and nothing more. Telling him to have a rest. To sleep. He hasn't slept in years. And now...<br>He closed his eyes again.  
>Bloody memories.<br>Bloody, bloody memories, he mumbled over and over again.  
>The Doctor's mouth felt dry. He must have been dehydrated. But he didn't care that much about it.<br>He did nothing but struggling to stay awake.  
>Bloody memories should bloody well go back to where they bloody belonged.<em>

_His lids became heavier and heavier and finally sank._

_The Doctor held his breath._

I didn't miss home. Really. Well, not much really, actually. It was fine for me to leave.  
>I had always imagined the being uprooted from the familiar surroundings thing to be a lot more traumatizing. Or being separated and torn from the environment I was conversant with.<br>But it wasn't.  
>I didn't feel that much.<br>It was simply the way it had to be. Children were taken from their families, all of them. I assumed it was normal. And it was.  
>It's a matter of opinion, that's what I've heard people saying.<br>But they're wrong. And they're wrong to say "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder." Actually it's "Normal is in the eye of the beholder".

That's what they used to say on Gallifrey.  
>The humans simply got it wrong.<p>

And besides: we were first.

First come, first served. Or something like that.

I must admit that I can't even remember the day I was taken to see the fabric of reality, the time I stared into the void with the eyes of a child. I'm terrible at remembering dates.  
>And, in fact, it wasn't that special.<br>I saw it and I ran.  
>That was all.<br>No one shouting "Shame on you!" or "Damn!" or "Blimey!" behind me.  
>They did nothing at all.<br>And I wasn't crying.  
>I wasn't screaming.<br>I was simply running. That was it.

And as I child I was even more irritated by the way it all happened. Or by the fact that I didn't even know what I was supposed to do. But it didn't stop me from running.

That was always an option.  
>Well, it IS always an option.<p>

I used to think about if my father heard about it, about me running from the sight of reality.  
>The whole ceremony... it wasn't even a real ceremony. At least it didn't feel like one.<br>But nonetheless I assumed that my parents must have heard about it. Everyone got neighbours who were simply made to babble out such things.

And there was nothing wrong with that.  
>Several years later my father would tell me how he had reacted when our neighbours had talked about me.<br>He'd shrugged and mumbled something like "A lot better than going mad, I suppose."

The academy wasn't so bad, either.  
>The only thing I missed were the others I used to know, the other children I had become friends with. Though I met some of them at the academy... it wasn't the same. It was somehow different.<p>

And I didn't know if everything had changed or if we had changed. Or if I was looking at them differently.

But back then I didn't bother about abstract and rhetorical questions.  
>This may be a bad habit I encountered later.<p>

Though, I had to admit, I felt strange. I felt, somehow insecure, or to be more specific: incomplete.  
>As if something was missing. As if I had lost something I couldn't remember.<p>

So I started studying and forgetting about it. Whatever it had been.  
>I studied all the time. I didn't live. I studied. Studying WAS living for me. And after all: I was good at it.<p>

I could study whatever I wanted, I could learn what I wanted, and I would understand and master everything I tried.

And that was something to be proud of, I figured.

I spent most of my time alone. Not that I got segregated. I enjoyed being alone. And it wasn't as if I had friends at the academy. I mean, neither did I make enemies. It was just...

You couldn't sneak into a library and pocket rare and forbidden scripts by Dr. Neakahla with everyone.

Some would assume that it was a bad thing to do. Others wouldn't understand what was so special about the scripts and therefore would think they weren't worth the effort.

So you had to go on your own, tried not to be seen and hid the scripture from everybody else.

So much about the fun in the secret libraries.

And soon I forgot about the time I had spent with others. And soon I forgot what it felt like not being alone but accompanied. I couldn't recall it anymore. It was a new life somehow. I was different.

Although...

It hadn't changed, actually. I hadn't changed.

I was a child. Still an unspoiled child. My mind was pure viridity.

I was still running at every opportunity.

And I kept my legs tied together at night.

By now it had become a habit. I couldn't sleep without tied up ankles; it made me feel uncomfortable; I would be forced to stay awake all night, worrying and feeling uneasy.

I didn't know what it was all about.

I didn't know why I had to close my legs or what should come between them anyway.

But I got used to it. The others mustn't know about it. Not that I was mortified.  
>I know it wasn't common. I know it wasn't conventional.<br>But I couldn't help it.

I was scared; I was still scared if I recalled the way my father had looked at me that night.  
>The night he saw it all.<br>And still it gave me the creeps. It was not the fact that I was horrified the night my father tied my legs together for the first time. I hadn't been scared by the way he'd treated me, neither by his brutal manner.  
>His eyes.<br>I couldn't forget his eyes. The frightened look in his eyes.  
>My father had been scared. He had been terrified – which was a good reason for me to be profoundly disturbed.<p>

I have never seen anything like it before.

His eyes had been filled with tears. He hadn't cried.

Never before and never again.

He wouldn't cry.  
>He wouldn't let me see him crying.<p>

But that night he had been close to doing so. And I was scared to death.  
>I never wanted to disappoint him. And I knew that he was deadly serious.<br>It must have been something of incredible degree if he would tell a child, an untainted and ignorant child to close its legs and never open them again for anyone, mustn't it?

He'd been a fool to believe that it could work like this.

And so was I.

So, untaught as I was, I kept my legs closed and recited the things my father had drummed into me.

Close your legs.  
>Tie them together at night.<br>Never put your legs up in the air.  
>Don't spread your legs for anyone.<br>And don't let anybody come near you.

Night for night. The same words over and over. I fell asleep recalling.  
>I didn't understand the words in any way; to me they didn't even make sense; and yet they frightened me night for night.<p>

I would wake up if the knot of the rope around my legs would untie itself.

I'd jolt awake every time I heard noises around me; I'd gasp in horror if I mistakenly believed to sense the presence of someone else in my room.

And I always tied my legs together.

And I'd neither put my legs in the air nor spread them for someone.

At least, I never had wanted to...


	3. Chapter 3

"_Bloody hell".  
>The Doctor tried to turn around. He reckoned that he was lying on the floor. He must have fallen out of the bed. Too much tossing and turning, he assumed.<br>He rolled to one side and moaned.  
>He wasn't used to sleeping with his legs untied.<br>The Doctor looked up. No, that was wrong. That wasn't him. That wasn't...  
>Even the cool floor had to admit defeat against the rising body temperature of the Doctor. Afraid to burn a hole in the ground he got to his feet slowly and tried to crouch back into bed.<em>

"_Is everything alright?"  
>A voice. There was a voice behind him. The Doctor's head sank into the cushion.<br>He knew the voice. He'd known the voice. He just couldn't recall..._

"What's wrong?"  
>The familiar voice.<br>"Did I miss something?"

Koschei.  
>I turned my head to him. It was Koschei.<br>Koschei. I had forgotten about Koschei.

He'd been missing.

I had lost track of time. And hadn't stayed in touch with him likewise. But there he was, back again, right in front of me, as always.  
>Koschei.<p>

And I just stood there and was unable to speak.  
>What should I've said anyway?<p>

I knew that Koschei must know what had to be said.

And he did.

"Ms. Reprics sure is a fine one to talk about manners."

I nodded approvingly.

I didn't have to know what exactly he was talking about. I never did. And I guess he knew it as well. But that was alright for Koschei. He didn't care. As long as I wouldn't contradict him...

He smiled. "But I mean it. She reproved me for disrespecting her authority."  
>"Well, what did you do?" I replied. It was strange. The conversation had started without me noticing. And it just went on. I didn't even think about what I was saying. We talked.<br>Just like we did it in our childhood.

No asking. No remarks stating that we hadn't seen each other in years. We didn't need it.

We knew each other too well.

Well, at least Koschei knew me.

"Nothing" countered Koschei and folded his arms "I said nothing. I just stood there, stared at her and gave her a smile."

"Well, I guess for you this _is_ a way of showing your disrespect." I chuckled.

Koschei smiled and shrugged.

"Long time no see."

That was all. Koschei would never waste a word about that time again.

And to me it even seemed as if we'd always been together. Nothing had changed.

Koschei was the same. Still the same old Koschei.

Koschei was mad. But I guess he didn't even try to hide it. And I had to admit that I appreciated his honesty.

It sure was nice gaining back a friend. Though Koschei disagreed with me about that. In his opinion you had to lose something for good to regain it. He said he'd never left me. He'd never let go off me. We'd always been together.

Somehow.

Like already mentioned I seldom knew what he was thinking. He had a twisted mind. Somehow inside out or upside down or with a knot in it.

I'd never know.

And that didn't change either.

But it didn't scare me; not even a little bit.  
>For a start I knew that he was mad. He'd always been this way. So it was not really a big surprise.<p>

And besides I knew that you had to accept things you couldn't change.

And I'd always back down.

That was probably what Koschei liked about me the most.

I was careful not to speak about anything that could displease him.

You never knew with him.

Well, on the other hand...

We talked about everything. All we did was talking, actually. Every time. Everywhere.

As if we belonged together.

In a very unromantic way.

It had nothing to do with a partner relationship whatsoever. Really. It was more like...

We were soul mates but didn't fit together.

We knew each other too well.  
>I could divine his innermost thoughts.<br>But I didn't, most of the time. I didn't like them.

Koschei thought in a different way, which I would learn soon. He looked at the world around him with different eyes. Inconceivable deep, wide and bloodshot eyes...

Love.  
>Those would be one of the words I wouldn't have used to describe my relationship with Koschei. We didn't love each other, though it was more than simple liking.<br>We belonged together.

Like Siamese twins.  
>Let's face it: I was stuck with him. I didn't know how or why it happened. He'd always been there.<p>

And not only around me; he'd always been there _for_ me.

We were synchronized, in a way. We grew up together. And like it was with Siamese twins it would have been unimaginable painful to separate us.

Love. I didn't care much about love back then. Not even in a childish way.

And that was what I like about the reports of Dr. Neakahla.  
>Every explanation in his wise script resulted from unbiased scientific work. Everything was in a neutral way; no description of any poor or unsightly creature was devaluing; no thesis was built on dubious, questionable or hypothetic speculation.<p>

No, Dr. Neakahla had been a _real_ scientist. Everything he had wanted to know he'd tried on himself.

Therefore the title "Collected wisdom of Dr. Neakahla" described it accurately; it was all _about_ Dr. Neakahla.

The time I didn't spend with Koschei I spent in my room with Dr. Neakahla.  
>Figuratively.<br>Though I guess sometimes I'd have wished that I could have made his acquaintance. His works were everything to me. Sometimes I think they still are.  
>But when you grow older you're forced to lose some of your thirst for knowledge and try to forget those things which made you shiver all over when you were young.<br>And I shivered a lot.

There was something about the style of Dr. Neakahla... It was simply written in true words, true wisdom summarised in one true book. Well, it was actually more of a script. Well, I hadn't been able to transport a whole book out of a library. Well, not with a book jacket with an electronic surveillance system. And the book had been bound badly anyway...

But in my room I treated the book with care. And with confidentiality, I treated it with a lot of confidentiality. I kept it my little secret. It was definitely one of the books I couldn't tell Koschei anything about. It was just too...special to me?

I didn't know. And I don't know now either.

Maybe it was because of _those_ parts in the book.

Those passages, those chapters which made me feel different; in fact, not about myself; they really changed me. I knew that I'd encountered something. I just didn't know what it was.  
>It was those parts in the book were Dr. Neakahla reviewed the personal development; he'd even use words like physical evolution or bodily advancement. Simply the changes you're forced to undergo.<br>And what could change on your body. Or would change.

As a child you're fascinated by your own body. A left hand is more than you need to keep yourself busy for a day. You plainly don't understand your own body; you don't know how you're triggering movements or cause bodily reactions.  
>When you're starting to grow up you don't know either. But you learn to forget about your own ignorance.<p>

Dr. Neakahla tried to keep some kind of childish naivety, or sometimes even curiosity; and that was what I admired him for.

Nonetheless it was intriguing to read everything about a body. Simply everything. And my fascination had nothing to do with comparing; it was plainly of interest to me what others would describe as normal. What he had expected to be normal.

There's a lot to be found under the designation of normal. And Dr. Neakahla made clear that terms like "normal" weren't some kind of personal decisions; though he wasn't pleased with it. But that was it. You could be pleased or displeased. But you couldn't disagree. "Normal" was about acceptance.  
>And you had to accept it when you weren't normal likewise. You couldn't claim that you weren't.<br>I knew that this closing-my-legs-at-night-and-tying-them-together-tightly thing wasn't normal, of course I knew. But I couldn't help it. It had to be.  
>And I wouldn't have denied it if someone would have asked me about it. I figured it to be nothing to be ashamed of. My father had told me so; and after all he was a wise men.<br>And I couldn't have known that he was wrong, just this once in his life...

But it didn't matter. I did it with personal conviction, and some nights, without it. But I did it nonetheless.

And I thought I started to understand what it had been about, the closing-legs thing.

Reading the book of Dr. Neakahla changed me. Though it didn't change my vision of the world. I had a clear vision on anything. But the scripture taught me to feel as well as I already saw.

I noticed bodily reactions when reading the more exciting chapters of the "Collected wisdom of Dr. Neakahla." Blood rushed down into my pelvic region; I experienced strange sizzling in my lower abdomen; and there were things in that book which made my skin tingle.

Not that the descriptions or drawings were arousing or possibly even stimulating.

By the way: I wouldn't know what arousing meant until the age of twenty-two or so.  
>I mean, of course I KNEW what it stood for or implied.<p>

That was the trouble with me: I saw the words and I knew their meaning; mostly I even understood them. But I didn't feel them.  
>Too bad that you couldn't gather sensations from dictionaries or other books. I would have been an expert.<br>But I wasn't. And I didn't care about feelings.  
>I didn't feel like feeling any feelings at all. My body never showed any sensual emotions at all.<br>At the most I had dreams; I dreamed about sensations. I dreamed about experiencing differences. There weren't even words for what I dreamed.

But I remember that there were nights when I dreamed about what it would actually feel like to sleep with untied legs, to be able to move your ankles and roll over in your sleep without having to worry about the rope cutting off the blood supply of one leg. But I would wake up horrified and check on my legs again nonetheless. If I was too scared I'd even tie my knees together, to make sure that there couldn't come anything between them.  
>Though I hadn't to worry about my legs.<br>I was worried about Koschei, most of the time. And worrying for him the rest of the time.

He was teasing; he'd always been teasing me. But he'd never been offensive, or aggressive or insulting. And he didn't annoy me.  
>But he loved to annoy others.<p>

Ms. Reprics would never lose her temper unless Koschei was around.  
>And he was always around. He was with me, most of the time. And I guess the time I spent reading alone he spent with observing Ms. Reprics. He teased her.<br>He simply would never leave her alone.

And, worst of all: he enjoyed it. And he knew how he had to treat her.

She could reprove him; she could call names on him; she could be impertinent; and she'd still be confronted with him smiling and grinning like a Chester cat.

Koschei was nasty, but it was subtle enough that she wouldn't even notice.

Oh, there were so many ways to annoy good old Ms. Reprics.

She needed not to call him anything. The pronunciation of his name was enough.

"You're mispronouncing it, ma'am" he used to disabuse her "It's Koschei, pronounced as in 'Koschtschej'."  
>And she turned to him again and gave him a disbelieving glare.<br>"You're mispronouncing my name" Koschei would explain, "That's all I'm saying."

"Koschei...!"  
>"It's 'Koschtschej'" he repeated firmly.<br>"That's not even your name" snapped Ms. Reprics "you were given that name, it's not... it's not even your real name!"  
>"You're mispronouncing it nonetheless" countered Koschei and smiled at her, he smiled at her all the time, giving her the creeps and things she probably wouldn't dare to speak of.<p>

I didn't bother about him teasing others, whether they were our age or not, whether they were students or savants. I never worried about others going mad because of him.  
>I worried about him going mad.<p>

He was mad.  
>It had always been this way...<p> 


	4. Chapter 4

Madness.  
>Pure madness.<p>

It was there, in Koschei's eyes. Lingering and waiting for the right moment to strike out at anything near it.  
>Therefore I tried not to be too close to him.<br>You never knew with Koschei.

And I guess I should have been scared of him.

Strangely enough I wasn't.

Koschei brought back memories of the past; of _our_ past.  
>Ironically it was his eyes which reminded me of my childhood. The days and nights we'd spent together; with other or just us two. There was something warm in those eyes, a placid expression in every mad glare.<br>Koschei meant comfort. To me he was safety and a feeling of belonging.

We shared the same past.  
>And Koschei would insist that we'd share the future as well.<p>

And how could I've disagreed with a Chester cat? It was best not to say anything against it anyway...

Acceptance.  
>Acceptance was important to me. I had spent painful nights, and the following days as well, learning that you had to accept things you couldn't change or understand.<p>

It had nothing to do with approval or consent. You weren't supposed to have an independent opinion on those terms. Acceptance was like Dr. Neakahla's "Normal". Acceptance WAS Normal.

To me acceptance was indifference.

Nothing could be said against it; nothing could be done against it.

Just give in.

Just let it happen.

Koschei invaded my privacy as often as he could.  
>He was something like a personal space invader. I, for myself, preferred the term "Intruder".<br>And to my surprise Koschei didn't mind me calling him that.  
>He'd stated once that he personally thought of himself more to be a penetrator.<br>But I would give him nothing more than a suspicious glance.

It didn't sound provocative or salacious.

To me it sounded stupid. So, in the end, we both agreed on Intruder.

After all Koschei was disturbing and distracting me at the same time.  
>With him around I couldn't read my favourite script...<p>

Koschei hadn't planned on being invasive. He figured that I couldn't have any privacy if I wanted to be as close to him as he had imagined I would like to be. And after all these years he figured as well that he knew what I wanted or not. And though he enjoyed pushing things on which I didn't like constantly, he was sure that he knew what I liked and would therefore like it nonetheless.  
>As already mentioned – he had a twisted mind.<p>

Koschei had started moving things into my room, which was odd because he had a room on his own. Therefore he stored things in my room which were of minor interest to him only. Like pencils, or scraps of paper, or books he hadn't enjoyed reading. Or apples.

I tried to ignore the fact that Koschei was around me day and night. Figuratively, of course. I didn't like the idea if him sleeping in my room very much.

I didn't know why. It just felt wrong... as if it was a bad thing to do.

But I didn't have to figure out what I didn't like about it. If I was asleep there would have been no reason whatsoever to be beside me. I wouldn't notice if he tried to bug me; hence, I assumed, he wouldn't be able to poke fun at me and therefore I would be of no further interest to him.

Koschei never wanted to annoy me. He simply tried to convince me that he was right. He wanted me to see the world with his eyes.  
>But I didn't like the view.<br>I knew that he'd wanted to watch everything burn. And if it had been burnt out you had to refire it, hoping that it would spark off a fire and burn again; and you repeated the procedure until nothing was left but light grey ashes...

Koschei sat beside me on the floor. On my right knee rested half of a book, on Koschei's left knee the other half. I leaned my back against a tall cabinet. Koschei could enjoy reading, as long as I was around.  
>He could enjoy nearly everything as long as I was around.<p>

He was fond of me. And I didn't know if he was fond of children or if I was or if we both weren't.  
>And I reckoned his twisted mind sure had a bad influence on me.<br>But, actually, it was what we were: children. Always together. Never changed.

Koschei wasn't childish. I mean, in a way we were both childish. But it had nothing to do with being immature. We simply tried to keep things as they were. We got along with each other easily – we knew each other too well.  
>I wish I hadn't known him that well.<p>

The book we read was about obscure solar systems, I reckon. And dying stars. Since we were children both of us had been impressed by dying stars. We'd watched several supernovas or dead stars getting torn apart in a richly coloured blast together.

We grew closer all the time and had already interpenetrated each other's soul.

It was this or something like that I thought. I can hardly remember.

Koschei had moved in because it was practically not possible to separate us.

We could only move closer and closer.  
>That was the main reason why Koschei pressed his shoulder against mine. He wanted us to be close. And he didn't understand the difference between figuratively and literally. It was the same to him, I guess.<p>

And I had realised why he kept storing pencils in my room: he preferred to poke me with the rubber on the back of a pencil every time he wanted to get my attention. Just to make sure that I was listening to him.

I felt the soft rubber on my upper arm and snorted.

"What is it?"

"Finished reading this page?" he asked before turning the page.

"I've already finished the book" I replied.

"So did I" nodded Koschei and closed the book.

"Then why did you suggest reading it together?" I asked.

Koschei tossed the book aside. It slipped towards the pencils he had thrown to the ground.

"Why didn't you tell me that you've already read it?" countered Koschei.

I shrugged and breathed in deeply.  
>"Because it would be definitely worth reading it for a second time. I liked it."<p>

"Well, I didn't" snapped Koschei "It's a useless book, that's all it is."

"So, what's useless about solar systems?" I asked and looked disapprovingly at the part of the floor which belonged to Koschei by now. It stretched out further every day.

Koschei had nothing to reply but a dismissive remark.

"Alright, that was a rhetorical question" I tried to calm him "there's no use of a solar system. It's simply there, that's all. We're not supposed to do anything with it."

Koschei looked at me disbelievingly. Then he focused on an apple beside him and picked it up.

"Nice and red, isn't it?"

I didn't reply. He made pointless remarks for one reason only: he gained time he needed for thinking about something.

"You know, Theta" he only called me that when he tried to give me an understanding of his worldview "there's the one side of seeing things, your side. You're struggling to understand things and suss out their true meaning, their purpose or whatsoever. That's one way of doing it."

He stared at me while tossing the apple up in the air and catching it over and over again without even looking. Then he held out the apple to me. He examined it carefully, I was tempted to look at it likewise.

"And then there's another side. I might as well point out that both sides can co-exist without conflicting. Well, the other side is... to figure out, what things mean to you. Whether or not you've fathomed out their true purpose. Well, let me tell you this once and for all, Theta: that's not important. All that matters is what you see in things. What things mean to you. How you can use them. And what you want to do with them."

Koschei caught a glimpse of the apple in his hand.  
>Then he reached out and rubbed it against my thighs.<br>His eyes glistened and he smiled while I stared him into the face motionless.

He turned the apple a few times in his hand, constantly moving it up and down my thighs.  
>He sensed my desperation. And he enjoyed it.<p>

I pressed my thighs against each other and closed my legs as a knee-jerk reaction.

I breathed quietly and nervous.

It felt strange.

It felt unpleasant.

It felt wrong.

Koschei gave me a big smile and moved the apple in his hand upwards again, towards my hip bone.

I gasped and looked him in the eyes, in those deep, inscrutable and sparkling eyes.  
>But there was nothing to find there.<br>Nothing but satisfaction and stimulation.

He grinned with pleasure and held the apple up again.

"I like them more when they're shiny."

And he bit off a chunk.

I nodded calmly and avoided his look.

Koschei was about to hand me the apple when I shook my head. He shrugged.

"Suits me, really" he answered with his mouth full.

I nodded lost in thought. My hearts were racing. And if I dared to close my eyes I would still feel his hand, constantly rubbing against my thighs with the apple.

What did he do that for? I asked myself. It wasn't half as much embarrassing as confusing.

"You know" Koschei was still chewing and looked closely at the apple again "You should really try to focus on things that you want. Not on the things that simply _are_."

I nodded again.

Koschei finished his apple. I pressed my hands on my lap and shifted uncomfortably. My knees were pressed together so tightly that they hurt.

Koschei touched my shoulders with care and wrapped an arm around me; gently he stroked my neck and let my head rest on his shoulder.

"I always liked that, didn't I?" he asked soothingly.

"What?" I asked uneasily "Eating apples?"

Koschei chuckled. "No. I liked it when you were sitting beside me with your head resting on my shoulder."

I didn't reply and stared into space.

"Well" he continued "it would have been a lot more uncomfortable for you if I hadn't always been bigger than you."

"Are you trying to discuss comfort with me?" I asked unsettled; I hadn't even been listening; neither was I listening to myself talking.

"What are you talking about?" countered Koschei.

I took a deep breath and folded my arms, digging my nails into my elbows.

"Nothing." I hadn't heard my own reply. I thought I had said "Nothing" but I'm not sure.

Maybe I just said nothing instead of "Nothing".

Bloody lapses of memories.

But I could remember that I wasn't thinking straight anymore; even after Koschei had left the room.

I just didn't know what to think.  
>I just didn't know what to <em>feel<em>.  
>While I was still unable to have a clear thought my mind was racing; all those useless knowledge I'd encountered over the past years swashed back at me and I got cold feet. Figuratively in my mind and literally because I my legs were still pressed together and turned white slowly.<p>

I turned my head aside; I couldn't just stare at the door. I wasn't a dog.  
>And what did I even think that for?<br>Koschei wasn't something like my master... he wasn't someone I had to obey...  
>...someone who could simply decide over me...<p>

A strange feeling started to spread out from my abdomen.  
>My body felt warm. I felt light. It made my skin tingle.<br>The blood was rushing down into my lower abdomen.

I held my breath and gasped.

It wasn't as if I had developed feelings for Koschei. But somehow he had managed to change my bodily sensations. He provoked perceptible bodily changes.

I felt sweaty.

I closed my eyes, reciting the same old words over and over again.

Don't spread your legs. Never ever.  
>Don't let anybody come near you.<p>

Tears rushed into my eyes. Koschei was dear to me; he was _near_ to me.

Probably nearer than he should have been.  
>And I knew that it was wrong. I knew that it was so wrong. That everything he showed me was wrong; that everything he made me feel was wrong; there was simply everything wrong with Koschei!<p>

I sobbed and pulled myself together in order not to cry.

I was confused and somehow scared; I felt uneasy and used up.

I leaned my head against the cabinet.

I had a headache.


	5. Chapter 5

**_Thanks to Mabudachi-trio for the reviews and continued support :)  
>That's what encourages me to write :D enjoy<em>**

* * *

><p>Koschei didn't speak to me about it ever again. And I'm afraid he hadn't even realised that he'd disturbed me.<br>That was the trouble with Koschei: he was stuck with his twisted little mind. No intuition. No sensitivity. No empathy.

Just narcissism. And childish joy in displeasing others.

I hadn't slept in days.  
>But I had tied my ankles together at night, as always.<br>I had tried not to think about the sentience it had initiated.  
>It.<br>Koschei's apple on my thighs.

I had thought about it for a while.

Koschei's lack of understanding for other's emotions brought back memories from my childhood.  
>I indulged in reminiscences for the first time since I'd been on the academy.<br>Oh, bloody memories they were!

My father had hated Koschei.

He'd despised him.

Koschei had always been associated with trouble; he _meant_ trouble.  
>Nobody knew what the trouble was. It was simply there, all around him, glowing and twinkling all the time. In every glare. In every glance...<br>Chaos.

I'd always thought that I must have been a deep disappointment to my father for spending time with Koschei, someone who'd treat me with no respect but cared for me nonetheless somehow.

But years later my father had explain that he hadn't been disappointed. I was simply like him, he'd told me; always looking for trouble; loving to keep yourself challenged.

Otherwise he wouldn't have married my mother and, with her help, raised a little mistake.

He'd chuckled while pointing that out. He'd never called me that before.

It was usually my mother's duty to call me a mistake.

But just a little mistake.

The big one had been falling in love with my father, I knew.

I never knew what Koschei thought of me. I didn't even know if he ever thought about me.

I sure thought a lot about him.

I'd be there, in my bed, lying night after night worrying about him; what's the next stupid thing he's going to do; when was the next time he'd disturb me; when would he finally take control over my room...

I didn't know what Koschei thought. But I knew what he _saw_.

In me he saw a small, delicate toy; the most precious object he'd ever tried to take possession of. Somehow he always enjoyed when I would spend time with him.

And it was so exciting to play with me. He'd try everything just to come to know what I was capable of. What he could try on me. Or when I would say "No" to him for the first time in my life...  
>Or if I'd never say "No" to him...<p>

My father had watched me sleep at night, which wasn't actually as weird as it appeared to me when I had found out. I might as well have done the same thing in his stead, I guess...

But I was in no position to talk about it. Neither I am now. I just didn't...

Back then it felt creepy. It felt really, really strange knowing that your father watched over you at night. I didn't feel protected. I felt observed and traced; always knowing he'd keep an eye on me...

No matter would I'd do.  
>Not that I did anything indecent.<br>Alright; at this age I probably didn't even _know_ the meaning of this word.

But I wouldn't have done it anyway.

I figured that my father was still checking on me if I was still tying my legs together at night like he'd wanted. And I didn't know what to do about it apart from ignoring him.

I just pretended to sleep, hoping he'd soon leave me alone.

I didn't understand why he kept looking after me. I never would have disobeyed; I never would have spread my legs for anybody.

I didn't even know what the point in spreading your legs for someone else was, back then.  
>And I'd have preferred never finding out...<p>

_The Doctor looked up. There was someone. Someone stood beside his bed.  
>"You sure you're alright?"<br>He could hardly understand a word. He simply shook his head.  
>The blurred silhouette beside him offered him something which turned out to be a cup of tea.<br>The Doctor didn't move; he felt too dizzy.  
>He got pulled into an upright position; the cup was pressed against his lips.<br>"Open your mouth."  
><em>An order. He hadn't taken orders since Koschei had..._  
>"Doctor please, I'm begging you. You need to drink. You're dehydrated. I'm here to look after you. Please, let me help you!"<br>The Doctor nodded weakly. The voice sounded softer than before. Still, he wouldn't recognize the voice.  
>He took a sip of the tea. Then he opened his mouth again.<br>"You're... human?" he asked uncertainly.  
>"Of course I'm human" replied the voice softly, "Don't you know me, Doctor?"<br>"You humans don't say Chester cat, no, it's not Chester cat around here, is it, what do you say, what terms do you use when you want to describe someone who grins as madly as a Chester cat?"  
>"You're body temperature must be rising again..."<br>"Just answer me!" shouted the Doctor hoarsely "What do you say?"  
>"It's "grinning like a Cheshire cat, Doctor."<em>

_The Doctor let himself fall back into the back and sighed.  
>"Bloody humans" he mumbled half asleep "bloody humans get everything wrong..."<em>

I guess my father knew it, back then. He knew that I loved him and followed his instructions. He knew that I'd never let him down.

He was simply not convinced that he'd done the right thing.

He had chosen to keep the prophecy his little secret. He hadn't talked about it with anybody, not even my mother. He had simply made a decision.

My father had chosen to leave me in the dark concerning the things he'd seen.  
>The things that would happen to me.<p>

And just like I had offered resistance the first nights when he had tried to tie me up my father tried to oppose destiny; he wanted to change the future; he wanted to do anything he could to shield me from the cruel fate that awaited me.

But it wasn't just a strange quirk of fate. It was destiny.

It was meant to happen like this.

At least that's the only way it makes sense to me.

It couldn't be prevented.

"Who not learns from history is doomed to repeat it."  
>I can't remember when I'd encountered that. I had read a lot of books back then. I was really into literature, I guess.<p>

But the idiom contained a grain of truth.

All over the past people had tried to change the future; they had tried to avoid the unavoidable.

They hadn't accepted their fate but couldn't alter it anyway.

And yet my father believed that he could succeed. He believed that he could have won;  
>But in the end we're all at fate's mercy.<p>

Oh father...

I had hated it; I had hated hearing my father breathing beside my bed night for night. Sadly I never got used to it. I simply never could sleep.

Therefore I heard him mumbling; the soft murmur every night. The same subject over and over again. The same issue: Koschei.

"I never should have done it" my father would tiptoe around in my room though he was furious "I never should have made him do that. It's just wrong. It's not his fault. He can't help that. He's not the trouble. It's all Koschei's fault."

And I would lie there in my bed and listen to the strange mumbling night for night.

"I wanted to protect him" he'd start again "I wanted him safe. But I... it's too early, isn't it? Shouldn't I have waited until he would have been old enough, until I could have explained why...?" He breathed in deeply and stopped beside my bed. I tried not to move a muscle.

My father caressed my cheeks carefully. Out of the corner of my eyes I could see him smiling.

"I'm sorry" he had muttered, he had apologized a lot during those nights "I'm so sorry. But I don't know what else I could have done. You even got used to it, didn't you?"  
>I breathed out slowly, uncertain about whether or not he had realised that I was wide awake.<p>

But he continued unmoved.

"Of course you got. Because you want me to be proud of you. You'd do anything no matter what it is, no matter how stupid it is, or how stupid I am..."  
>My father had sobbed. He never would have let me see him cry.<p>

"I'm just so sorry" he had continued and I had felt hot tears dripping down onto my cheeks "I never had wanted it to end like this. I never... I just couldn't... I can't let you, when you're..." His voice was trembling; either with fear or anger; I never knew.  
>"Koschei is always beside you. He'll never leave you. He'll never leave you alone. He'll never stop; he never knows when to stop. Even if you would say "No" to him... he wouldn't stop. He would just go on and on and on until it's over. And I can't... I can't let that happen to you... I just can't..."<p>

My father had kissed me on the forehead.  
>He had kissed me a lot during those nights.<p>

He wasn't the type to show his own feelings openly; I figured it had something to do with the whole "being normal" thing. He was my father and therefore he wasn't supposed to spend time with dealing with my emotions; or with his own emotions as well.

But he had always been the sensitive one in my parent's relationship; he was the sentimental parent, not my mother.

He was too emotional to be a father.

I guess he should have told me about it. Maybe then I wouldn't have been so upset...

But back then I knew that my father was the one I could turn to if there was simply anything I felt uneasy about. The only thing he wouldn't explain was the sense in tying ropes around my ankles...

But knowing that my father would come to my bed night after night and guard me in my sleep sure made me feel insecure. I never slept again under the stars accompanied by friends on one of the giant hills nearby like we'd done it during the warmer nights.

I was simply too scared; even though it was, like I had assumed, without a reason.

But after all it was my gut feeling and I trusted my convictions enough.

I can hardly remember when I'd slept a whole night under a starry sky again.

I can't even remember if I did that ever again.

_Maybe I should try if the fever was ever going to go down again..._


	6. Chapter 6

Thanks to Koschei I had stopped reading and learning as much as I'd used to. He bothered me all the time, simply with his presence in my room. When I was there, he would be there as well. And if I wasn't in my room he was probably there, too.

I didn't even know what he liked about my room. I didn't like it very much in there myself.  
>It was small. There was nothing inside except for a bed, a small cabinet and a closet. I used to learn and work on my bed. If there had been a writing desk in my room as well then I probably wouldn't have been able to open the door.<br>Which wasn't actually such a bad thing when I come to think about it now.  
>Then Koschei wouldn't have been able to walk through my door whenever he felt like doing so.<p>

I had hid the key to my room several times, but it was of no avail.

First of all I got scolded and punished for locking my room without any instructions from one of the savants who were in charge of us.

And secondly...  
>Locking the door hadn't kept Koschei from entering my room.<p>

Though, now he had been forced to get in through the small window.

Somehow I got used to it. I accepted his presence. What else should I have done?

There was no way of disagreeing with Koschei. To be more specific: there was no _sense_ in disagreeing.  
>He would simply disagree with your disagreeing him and would continue until you gave in.<p>

You couldn't fight him.

You plainly admitted defeat and he was happy.

I had never displeased Koschei until that time. And I never would have done it on purpose.

Who knew what an unsatisfied Koschei was capable of?

Well, I figured it had been the right decision not to tell Koschei anything about the forbidden book in my room. I was worried enough about him finding it.

I knew that he wouldn't understand it.

I knew that he couldn't.

I had enjoyed the book of Dr. Neakahla very much. I had perused the scripts – even the chapters which were disgusting as well as disturbing.

Dr. Neakahla had been the greatest surgeon in the universe and, because he had been a Time Lord, of all times likewise. Some claim that he had even been the greatest surgeon in reference to his physiognomy.

But apart from documenting and sharing his surgical knowledge he had tried to merge all sciences into one meta-science; though he never came up with a name. He thought it best just to call it "science". It was short, it was well-known and would save hours of unnecessary work.

It has to be said linguistics didn't count as science in his eyes.

To him it was plainly rubbish.

Philosophising about what people speak or what they don't speak.

Ha.

Of course there had been chapters which had been of minor interest to me.  
>Executions about torture; descriptions of sensations of pain; excursions about mutilation and dismemberment; a section called "Dyspareunia- a great deal of difficulty and pain"; Executions about executions...<br>I knew that Koschei would have enjoyed those chapters. But it wasn't what made it worth reading it. You couldn't just pick out an aspect; it was a creation on the whole.  
>You had to read all of it to understand it.<p>

And I sure knew that Ms. Reprics hadn't finished reading it.

Her aim was to teach us the importance of scientific work as a matter of "improvement by evolving", or something like that. I never paid much attention. I just sat there silently and listened, which was all you could do.

You couldn't discuss it with her; you couldn't contradict her; you could only wait until it was over.

Except for Koschei who kept objecting.

But that was also part of it. Otherwise Ms. Reprics would soon have forgotten why she despised Koschei, he had explained.

I never intended to insult Ms. Reprics or show her up; and she shouldn't have been embarrassed.  
>It was just...<p>

I read Dr. Neakahla's script eager for knowledge, as I was, and therefore couldn't forebear to correct her.  
>Ms. Reprics had confused biogenesis and evolution and I wouldn't have blamed her; I had to read those chapters at least three times before being able to tell them apart properly.<p>

Ms. Reprics hadn't given me anything but a confused look at first; then she had switched to a death glare and tried to belie the fact that she had just told the opposite of what she was talking about now.

But I didn't mind it. I didn't really care. I had only tried to make myself clear.

And I had to admit that those chapters had been one of my favourite ones.

When I got to my room Koschei was already there. However he had done that. He had been in the same room with me a moment ago and I didn't like the idea that he got faster into my room than I did.

That meant that he had found secret passages; and he was already rubbing it in.

Oh, and I came to notice that there were now three instead of two piles of books in "his" corner of the room. It was growing every day...

"You really made her mad" Koschei grinned and sat down on my bed.

"I didn't mean to" I replied lackadaisically.

Now I had really wanted to lie down and have a good rest on the bed...on _my_ bed...

"Well, I suppose then it's not as much fun as if you had wanted to make her mad" thought Koschei out loud "But I don't like when you're challenging my position."

"I guess you think it's your privilege to be annoying" I sighed and sat down on the floor, resting my back against the small cabinet.

"I don't think it is my privilege" corrected Koschei "it is. Anyway, you're not annoying. You actually noticed that she was wrong and you knew it better. And that really exacerbated her."  
>I shrugged. "So?"<br>"I wish I could make her furious like that" explained Koschei "this would sure take it to a whole new level."

I sighed and rested my head in my palms.

"I just don't understand what's so funny about it" I mumbled "You don't like Ms. Reprics. That's alright. In fact nobody likes Ms. Reprics. I bet she doesn't even like herself. So what?"

"So what what?" asked Koschei.

I moaned and rolled my eyes.

"So there's nothing interesting about upsetting her."

"It's one of those things which you don't understand" mumbled Koschei.

"Like what?" I asked.

"Like what you're doing about someone who just keeps bugging you and you don't know what you did wrong, or if you even did anything wrong, but the mere presence, no, the mere existence of someone is an insult to you."  
>If he had even known how right he had been about this...<br>I watched him from the corner of my tired eyes.  
>Right now his presence was an offence to me...<p>

I sighed and shrugged again.

"So you think it's your task to cut her down to size?" I asked indifferently. He was really bugging me because he was lying on my bed "Well, that shouldn't be too hard. She isn't even a respectable size..."

"No, I want to crush her and make mince meat out of her and you know that literally and figuratively are the same thing to me" Koschei cut me off "and would you be so kind as to hand me an apple?"

Something in his voice made me feel uncomfortable.

But it was good to know that he wanted to make mince meat out of her and not out of me.

Well, at least out of her first. He could still chop me up later.

I gave him an apple and sighed.

Why couldn't he just go to his room? I asked myself.

But I knew the answer already.

Because it was so much more fun to invade my privacy.

"Am I bothering you?" asked Koschei. My mind had been wandering and my eyes had stayed fixed on my cushion. I shook my head. I was too tired to open my mouth.

"Good" nodded Koschei and made room for me on the bed "Now you're lying to me. Of course I'm bothering you."

"Then why did you ask?" I mumbled and dropped onto the bed.

"No reason" replied Koschei bluntly.

I sighed and shifted. It was of no use. I couldn't get comfortable with him sitting beside me.

For the first time in my life I had felt the urge to hit him, or at least push him out of my bed.

"No reason" had always been a good reason for Koschei.

His whole life had been based on those two words.

Koschei ran his fingers through my hair and stroked my head carefully.

I hardly noticed it. I hadn't slept through a single night for the past few weeks. And I didn't mind him touching me. He'd always touched me. He'd always be bent on touching me.

I guess I had been the only one he could snuggle up to.

But his touch had been delicate, he had always touched me with care; and his interest in my body had been the one of a child.

I didn't mind physical contact.  
>At least now with him. It had been like this since we had been children.<p>

And I guess it won't ever change...

Koschei moved the apple across my body. He started rubbing it against my chest and made his way down to my thighs again. The lower part of my body seemed to be of particular importance to him.

This time he led the hand which had clasped the apple to the inside of my thighs, spreading my legs gently with the other hand. As soon as I felt his palms pressing against my thighs and parting them I closed my legs and gasped.

Don't spread your legs for anyone.  
>Don't let anything come between them.<p>

It seemed as if those words had been drummed into my head and burnt into my mind.

I stared at him horrified.

Koschei frowned.

"Is there a problem?" he asked.

"Why do you keep touching me there?" I snapped.

Koschei popped his head to one side and looked at me as if he hadn't understood a single word.

"I don't know why you keep touching me there" I went on "and I don't understand it."  
>"Neither do I" replied Koschei and shrugged. He straightened up again and rubbed the apple faster against my thighs.<br>I turned my head in a different direction and tried to forget about him sitting beside me and harassing me with his apple.

"Why are you doing this?" I asked and evaded his look.

"No reason" he whispered in my ear and kissed me on the temple.

I sighed and looked away.  
>There had never been an alternative to acceptance.<p>

There simply hadn't been.

So I looked away and let him shine his apple on my thighs.

It would have been stupid to forbid it, anyway.

I don't know on which part of my body he would have rubbed his apple against the next time...

I didn't like to displease Koschei. I never liked that; much to the annoyance of my father.

Koschei had always decided on me and I had resigned myself.

It had never been different.


	7. Chapter 7

Innocence.

When you're twelve "innocence" is a noun only. When you're seventeen it's either a threat or your parents had tried to say something nice but had obviously failed.

As a child innocence is a synonym for ingenuousness, harmlessness and cluelessness.  
>Childishness itself is innocence.<p>

And then comes a time when innocence is a byword for purity or virginity.

I didn't care that much about words.  
>And apparently being a virgin was important to girls only.<p>

Alright, and to those guys who knew from their own personal experience which girls weren't virgins anymore.

I never had been called a virgin and I probably wouldn't have known what it felt like being a virgin either.

If that even makes sense...

To me innocence was ignorance.

But I didn't care much for terms or descriptions; the only reason I bothered with pondering about them was to get rid of Koschei.

Koschei was intelligent. In fact I guess he _is_ intelligent.

In his way...

Koschei read a lot of books – mostly the ones that were scattered around my room. But from time to time he'd add some reading material to the chaos in my room as well.

He was literate and intellectual; there were times when I even thought that he was well-mannered.

But back then his parents had applied a lot more pressure to him. Back then they had actually thought that they could have won over his bad side...

The trouble with Koschei was that he _was_ the bad side.

It had never been different...

So, if Koschei bothered me I would ask him to define terms and justify his choice. He was eloquent, no doubt about that. But he couldn't describe the things he saw.  
>He was too mad. He couldn't show me the world in his eyes.<p>

He couldn't make himself clear. At least most of the time.

"What does viridity meant to you?" I asked Koschei as he sat down on the bed across from me.

He didn't give it much thought and replied bluntly "You."

I bent my knees and made room for him on the bed.

"What do you mean by that?" I asked bewildered. Usually a definition would take him a few minutes; in that case I would have found the time for planning my next steps.

Koschei knelt down opposite from me. He smiled. His warm hands rested on my knees.

"That's just what you are" he explained, "You're inexperienced. You're verdant. There are other synonyms as well but I guess you're better with them than I am. There's something about you... some briskness or freshness..." I stared him in the eye. I tried to act as unmoved as he was right now.  
>"Please don't get me wrong, Theta. That's no offence. That's what I like about you. You're not as degenerated as the others who let their spirits get caged up and let their minds become redesigned for the greater good. The greater good, Theta."<p>

"Who do you think is responsible for all this?" I asked irritated.  
>I had felt it. Koschei had thought of something.<br>He had probably even planned something, which was something to worry about.

"It's not the "who is responsible" that matters. It's the "who could dare to make decisions over someone's head" that's important" explained Koschei.

I gave it a quick thought and shook my head.

"Koschei, stop that. You're doing it again. That doesn't even make sense. All I did was asking you to define viridity for you."  
>"Well, you should have defined "define" first, if you know what I mean" replied Koschei and smiled. I sighed and stretched my legs, pressing my feet against Koschei's knees.<br>That was, like I used to call it, maintaining the minimum safety distance.

"So, here we have it: that's you and me. Viridity versus virility." Koschei grinned and caressed my legs with care.

I cocked an eyebrow and folded my arms. "And you think you're the virility part. Well, what's so virile about you?"

"I'm lacking the purity you embody" Koschei pointed out "and don't try to deny that. You know that I could never be like you." I shrugged.  
>"But that's fine" Koschei went on "You know: opposites attract." "Yeah, I know" I replied "You're so fascinated that I'm different that you can't think of anything else apart from changing me into someone like you."<p>

"I guess that would be pointless" mumbled Koschei "what do I do with someone who's exactly like me?" "If I could think like you I'd probably understand you a lot better" I thought out loud "I'd even know what you're thinking."  
>"You know more than you actually want" replied Koschei coldly.<p>

I searched his face and tried to find an explanation. But there was nothing.

"Oh, by the way: If you think I'm not virile then how about you defining virility first?"  
>Koschei smirked.<p>

I shook my head.

"I agree with you, totally" that's what I always used to say when I felt uneasy about something Koschei had suggested.

And by now Koschei knew it as well.

"You know that you don't have to agree with me all the time, do you?" he asked and smiled viciously.

He enjoyed knowing that I wouldn't dare to reply anything apart from "Yes" if he looked at me like that.

Koschei's smile frightened me.

And he savoured upsetting me.

Privilege.

Life at the academy was a privilege.  
>Somehow.<br>Maybe.  
>I don't know. I can hardly remember it anyway.<p>

But life was about privileges, I reckon. It had always been about privileges.

I had the privilege to grow up spared from heavy blows of fate.

I had had the privilege to be a normal child; unlike others I knew and loved...

My father's definition of privilege was quite different.

Once he had mumbled, mostly to himself I guess: "It's a sin to kill a child. But it's their parent's privilege to do so."

And I was ten years at the most when I heard it. And of course I was scared.

I didn't know what he'd been talking about. And I didn't know _who_ he'd been talking about...

I had a hard time sleeping at night at the academy since I had meet Koschei again. I didn't know what caused it. But he kept me from sleeping. Even without being in my room. I just knew that he was around. I could still feel his presence. He was all around me. Every time. Always by my side.

It was a silly thing to think, I know; but back then he had reminded me of my father.

I had hated my father for watching over me at night.

I had hated him for scaring me to death.

I had hated him for keeping me worried at night.

I had hated him for never talking about what he'd seen in the prophecy.  
>He never spoke of what would happen to me; he had known but he hadn't told me.<br>He never told me about the pain, the shame and the guilt we were both forced to bear, me and my father.

And I hated him for hating Koschei.  
>I never would have guessed that my father had reasons for hating him...<p>

I obeyed Koschei; I had always obeyed Koschei.

Out of habit, mostly. And because I held him in high esteem.

And no matter what he did: Koschei knew that I would give up resistance sooner or later.  
>But he used to tell me that he liked that about me.<p>

Koschei knew I would comply in the end; but I wouldn't make it easy for him.  
>He loved to be challenged.<p>

Ms. Reprics never spoke of me highly ever again.

She was furious because I had dared to point out that she'd made a mistake, that she had simply confused two words she had tried to explain.  
>She felt as if she'd been publicly shamed; and this was something she would have expected from Koschei but not from me.<p>

Not that I actually cared about what she thought of me.

And I didn't feel guilty. I thought we all had to get accustomed to taking criticism.  
>But I guess I was wrong about that.<p>

Ms. Reprics refused to answer my questions or hear me out.

She felt affronted.  
>And Koschei was proud of me. It didn't matter to him that I hadn't wanted to offend her. The fact that I had managed to hurt her feelings had been enough for him.<p>

Who needs motives, he used to tell me, who needs reasons? If you can achieve anything you want... who cares why are you doing this?

His life circled around two words.

I had always thought them to be something like "chaos" and "destruction".

But no.

No reason.

That was it. That distinguished us. I looked for reasons. Koschei didn't even care about them.

No reason.

And no reason needed.

Well, I swore to myself never to contradict Ms. Reprics ever again. I didn't even plan on exchanging words with her ever again.

Koschei deceived me; he'd always do.

He was born to cheat.

And I rarely cared about it.

Koschei had noticed that I had let him explain his opinions and define his words if I didn't know how else to get rid of him.

And he figured it was time to turn tables...


	8. Chapter 8

So the next time I'd enter my room he'd sit on my bed, which had also become a routine by now.

Without saying a word he would tap the sheet beside him gently and move aside. And I would sit down next to him and accept his wish unquestionably;  
>and he'd get to rub an apple against my thighs.<p>

There was no sense in discussing this matter again. I had given in a couple of days earlier.

Things simply happened without cause. And if Koschei had had ulterior motives I wouldn't have wanted to know, either.  
>Koschei was very satisfied with me. And I didn't care what he got out of this whole rubbing-his-food-against-my-body thing. I plainly let him do as he pleased.<p>

I ignored Koschei until he had shined his apple on my thighs and would start eating. I rested my head in his lap and closed my eyes.

Somehow it felt good having him around.

No, I had to correct myself; it felt good seeing him while he was around.

Nothing was creepier than just feeling Koschei's presence all the time without ever getting to see him...

"You shouldn't talk or write about anything if you're not willing to do it."

I nodded half heartedly and tried to get comfortable beside Koschei.

"And if your strength lies in your ability to work wonders on others, to change something or improve it, why should you write about your abilities instead?"  
>I sighed and hoped that Koschei would soon stop talking nonsense. His voice sounded loud but muffled in his lap.<p>

"A surgeon's greatest skill is his competence; he can demonstrate it with his knife, not with a quill. Or what do you think?"

I raised my head and looked at him irritated.

"What are you talking about?"

Koschei smiled. He patted me on the knees.  
>"I bet you loved "Of nature's nature, appearance and workmanship". Or did you prefer "The soul – dissected; or at least nearly"?"<p>

I frowned. "What?"

"You don't think that I was dumb enough to simply believe that you noticed Ms. Reprics mistake just because. You nearly devoured Dr. Neakahla's script, didn't you?"

I stared at him abashed.  
>"But how did you... I didn't...!"<br>"Do you think you can hide anything from me in your room?" Koschei asked smiling.  
>"It's none of your business" I snapped and straightened up "And I told you I don't like it when you're touching my things."<br>"It doesn't belong to you" replied Koschei icily "I heard someone talking about it being stolen from the secret library."  
>I folded my arms and looked him deeply in the eye. Koschei's eyes glowed with excitement.<br>"You didn't, did you?" he asked expectantly "You actually stole it?"  
>"I didn't mean to" I nearly cut him off "I wanted to read it. That was all. I don't think it's fair that you've got to become a doctor before seeking permission to read it. You know everything you need after you've read it, anyway."<br>"I never would have imagined that you'd disregard provisions" replied Koschei "I must admit I'm impressed."  
>"I didn't do that to impress you, Koschei" I sighed "I wanted to read the book. And I don't want to violate rules. I simply have to in order to achieve what I want. But with you it's different. You enjoy violating rules; I just don't care."<p>

"And what was your favourite chapter, may I ask?"  
>"There isn't such a thing as a favourite chapter" I tried to explain "It's Dr. Neakahla's book, it's his collected wisdom. The book is of priceless value. At least to me."<p>

"But you skinned it nevertheless" added Koschei, still smiling.  
>"I didn't skin it" I protested "I dismantled it. Otherwise I wouldn't have been able to hide it in my room. And yes, Koschei, it may not appear like it but it is my room after all and I wouldn't mind if you would stop touching my things and invading my privacy."<p>

Koschei chuckled. I sighed and lowered my head.  
>Great. I didn't mean to yell.<p>

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to..."  
>"You don't have to feel sorry for anything, you know" Koschei interrupted me "I like it when you're standing up to me."<p>

"You're not going to tell anyone about the book, are you?" I asked uncertainly.

"How can you even think about it?" Koschei shook his head, "I enjoyed it too much myself to let you return it to the library."

"You liked it?" I asked a bit delighted.

"Of course I liked it" Koschei replied and put my head down onto his lap again. He stroked my hair.

"But I can imagine that you preferred different parts of the book..."

I shrugged. "I like it on the whole."

"Even the parts about the dissection and dismemberment?" Koschei went on.

"The chapters aren't important" I replied, "You've got to consider it on the whole."  
>"I can imagine that you like it on the whole if you consider it on the whole" repeated Koschei while rolling his eyes, "but I didn't read it "on the whole". I didn't even finish it. I just read the exciting parts."<p>

"Everything about the books is interesting" I countered and wanted to raise my head again; but Koschei hadn't finished stroking me and pressed my forehead against his thighs whilst running his fingers through my hair.

"I bet you liked the parts about the psychological capacity and the mental strength; or his theory that you can give birth by using the possibility of mental steering without investing and wasting bodily energy. What did you think of his theory that you can heal any physical injury just by snapping your fingers?"

"Those are only theories, they are not that important" I mumbled in his lap. Koschei fondled my neck.

"I wonder if you can really survive in a desert without water but with an opossum; and I wonder if the opossum itself could really last two weeks on its own."

I managed to raise my head.  
>"I had imagined you'd prefer the subjects of torture and unnecessary mutilation a lot more than the self-experiments with the opossum" I replied.<p>

"You had a favourite chapter, didn't you?" Koschei smirked. I shrugged.

"It was "The Unknown Body", wasn't it?" he went on. I didn't reply.

"I could have guessed" Koschei patted me on the back "fascinated you, didn't it? Dr. Neakahla asked himself the same questions regarding a Time Lord's body which you ask yourself. I could imagine that you would be interested in reading it. Or getting aroused..."

I blushed inevitably. But I got a grip on myself.

"And I guess your favourite chapter was "Dyspareunia- a great deal of difficulty and pain" then?" Koschei shrugged.  
>"I enjoyed quite a lot of chapters."<br>"You're far too one-sided, Koschei" I replied and let out a long drawn-out sigh.

Koschei grabbed my knees and moved my body from beside him to a position in front of him.  
>"Too bad that Dr. Neakahla hadn't saved any hand-drawn sketches" explained Koschei and struggled to get my head down onto his lap again, "I'm eager to find out what a pregnant woman cut in half actually looks like."<br>"I'm glad the script doesn't include sketches" I mumbled quietly.

"It's only normal to think about it" explained Koschei.

"You mean fantasize about it" I added "And there's nothing normal about that."  
>"For me it is normal" replied Koschei, "But let me guess: you accede Dr. Neakahla concerning the definition of "Normal"."<br>"Well, Dr. Neakahla was right about that" I countered "Normal isn't something you can have an opinion about. It's simply there, whether you like it or not. It's up to the majority. We're not to question it; we don't have to agree with them and they don't have to agree with us. It's the majority's decision."  
>"Sola dosis venenum facit" replied Koschei, "your Latin's a bit rusty, isn't it? The dose makes the poison. But you could translate it with "majority" as well."<br>Koschei caressed my thighs. I pressed my knees against each other and lay stiffly in front of him.

"You're not relaxed" mumbled Koschei.  
>"You're still in my bed" I replied baldly.<p>

"We'd slept side by side more often than we'd slept alone when we were children" explained Koschei "But I know, then there's a certain age when you're starting to feel uncomfortable when others are so close to you. And there's an age when you've got to deal with yourself before you can come to terms with others."  
>I looked up and met his gaze irritated.<p>

"I'm glad I got over that" Koschei went on "or I never reached that phase and I'm still a child.  
>Either way; I don't care."<p>

"You're not a child" I replied and added quietly "No child could ever be so mean."

"I've never been different" countered Koschei "and I've always been mean. But not to you; you know how much I like you."

"And when did that stop?" I asked frankly.

"It won't ever stop" replied Koschei "We're just taking it to a whole new level."  
>"I'm not quite sure if I'm comfortable with that" I mumbled and sat up again "You say you like me. But therefore you're confusing and hurting me a lot lately."<p>

"I'm giving my best attention to you, Theta" replied Koschei "I'm spending every moment I can spare with you."

"But I don't want your attention" I tried to explain "I don't have anything against you spending your time with me. But I just don't understand why you're teasing me all the time."  
>"I guess tantalising would be more appropriate" Koschei grinned.<p>

"If you'd love me you wouldn't hurt me" I mumbled absent-mindedly and could have bitten off my own tongue, swallowed it up and spit it out on the ground just to be able to swallow it again.

Koschei popped his head to one side again.  
>"How cute" he mumbled but went on in a lower voice "If I'd love you I'd hurt you. I don't hurt you because I don't love you."<br>"Koschei, you're not making any sense" I said and tried to evade the weird look he was giving me.

"I'm making perfectly sense to myself" explained Koschei.

"If you love someone you've got to hurt him. Or otherwise you'll get hurt yourself."

I shook my head.  
>"I can't agree with you" I replied, "That just doesn't sound right."<p>

"You can't love without hurting someone" explained Koschei "and you're not loved as long as you're not hurt." I folded my arms and cocked an eyebrow at him.  
>Koschei didn't approve of my disapproving look at all.<p>

"Face it, Theta" Koschei grasped my shoulders and pulled me towards him "Life is about hurting others. That's all there is.  
>You hurt your mother when you were born; not intentionally but simply because of the pain she had to bear while giving birth;<br>You hurt your father when you wouldn't behave or simply say "No" to him;  
>You hurt your parents as you grow older and make the wrong decisions or don't meet their expectations."<p>

I tried to evade his look; but he wouldn't be content with that. Koschei touched my cheeks and pulled my head upwards: "Can't you see it, Theta? Life is about hurt. Life _is_ hurt! It's either hurting others or getting hurt yourself. That's all you can do. Someone has to suffer; it's either you or them. It's your decision." I freed myself from his grip and folded my arms angrily.

"Please, Koschei, just stop talking! I don't want to hear another word!"

"All you can do is chose wisely" finished Koschei and grasped my hands. I wouldn't even look at him.

"That's disgusting! Koschei, that's disgusting!" I tried to fold my arms again "I don't want to hurt others. And I won't." "You can't help that. And you already did" replied Koschei "like I said, your mother..." "Stop it, Koschei!" I snapped "just stop it! I don't want to hear it!"

Koschei breathed in deeply and wouldn't let go off my hands.  
>I gave in eventually; he stroked my fingers softly.<p>

"I'm not saying this in order to piss you off" mumbled Koschei "I want to help you. All I want to do is helping you by getting a grip on reality."

I closed my eyes and snorted.

"That's not reality" I corrected him "that's you."

"I can help you, Theta" Koschei pulled on my hands and fondled them like mad "Some of us need to be guided."

"And some of us should better be guarded" I snapped "and secured."

"I like it, when you're mad, Theta" Koschei chuckled.  
>"Wouldn't say the same thing about you" I replied uneasy "You're always mad."<p>

"Some of us are born mad; others have to be driven mad" explained Koschei. He lowered his head and licked my hands; his warm and moist tongue touched my fingers over and over again while he breathed out hot air through his nostrils and rubbed his cheeks against my skin.  
>I pulled my hands away in disgust.<p>

"What's the meaning of this?" I asked and wiped them off on my clothes.

"Nothing" replied Koschei bluntly "it's one of those things again... what do you call them again?"

I shrugged. I had wished he'd left my room by now. I couldn't stand his annoying behaviour when I was getting tired.

"Oh, No reason, right, that was it" Koschei went on and looked me deeply in the eye: "I'm afraid it's one of those No-reason-things again."

I nodded tired and lay down on my bed again.

"I'd go to sleep if you don't mind" I mumbled half to him half into my mattress.

"Oh, I won't bother you" replied Koschei and got up quickly "I'd rather let you have a good rest..."  
>"Than what?" I asked.<p>

"Than having to cope with a tired and possibly angry Theta tomorrow morning" added Koschei "it's no fun bugging someone if he's already bugged."

I didn't even bother to nod. I simply didn't care.

"But I know you're wrong Koschei" I said when Koschei had been halfway through my door "love is not about hurting others."

Koschei grinned madly.

"Oh, Theta" he sighed, "my little Theta. My little innocent one."  
>And he had closed the door before the book I had thrown at him could have hit the wall beside him.<p>

My little innocent one...

My naive son...

My naive little Theta...

Those had been terms only my father would have used.  
>And they were only to be used by him.<p>

And Koschei knew that it made me furious if he dared to call me that.

I never minded if my father had called me innocent or naive. Apart from the already mentioned reasons why there's nothing wrong with being called innocent when you're a kid.

It was different with my father.

I knew that my father loved me; and he'd always tell me that he'd love me no matter what happened and no matter who I'd become.  
>Except for Koschei. That would have been too much for him, I guess.<p>

And I assume it's perfectly normal to say such things to your children; and it's not important if you mean them or not. But what parents probably never know is that their children can hear what they really want to say.

My father told me that he'd love me no matter what.  
>But I also knew what he'd really wanted me to be.<p>

And this was a sad thing to know...


	9. Chapter 9

_**Long chapter ahead; hope'll you enjoy it!**_

* * *

><p>Not like <em>him<em>.

He never would have told me but it was all he had wished for.

I shouldn't be like _him_. I shouldn't become like _him_.

My father never wanted me to become like _him_.

And I had been sure that I knew who he'd meant by that...

But I guess you never know.

Well, in fact, if you think you know then you definitely don't know.

But it just doesn't work like that, that if you know that you don't know...

Oh...

That's...

I...

I think I'm waking up again...

_The Doctor coughed and spat. Someone had tried to instil some kind of liquid into his mouth. He could barely manage to raise his hand and tried to wipe his face._

"_Please drink it" mumbled a muffled voice beside him "you're hallucinating, aren't you? You need to drink more often. You're losing too much fluid... in fact you're sweating all the time...That's the third shirt I changed you in today..."_

_The Doctor shook his head and refused to take another sip. It smelled disgusting._

"_It's only tea" the voice beside him tried to soothe him with its words "and you need to drink it."_

"I never liked tea" _replied the Doctor._

"_Doctor?"_

_The Doctor's lids grew heavier and heavier. He closed them involuntarily._

"_Doctor?"_

"I don't like tea" _he whispered voiceless _"it's revolting. It tastes..."

I never liked tea. I only tried it once but I didn't like it. And I guess this isn't something which changes over the years because your taste buds grow old and die off or something like that.

My father gave me tea once. I don't know where he got it from.  
>I'd heard that it originated from planet earth and that in some parts of this world people would get addicted to it.<p>

They must be really unhappy, I assumed, if you would drink _this_ on purpose; even if it had some kind of hallucinogenic effect. At least on me it didn't.

And it tasted disgusting.

I never knew how you could manage to drink that of your own free will.

Day in day out – Koschei would always be by my side.

Always around me. Always beside me.  
>Always behind me.<p>

Observing every single movement.

Watching me all the time.  
>I never got the chance again to have some peace and quiet again.<p>

I never would have said that he stalked me. I mean, of course he did. But it didn't feel like stalking. I felt watched. I felt guarded. And it felt both pleasant and unpleasant at the same time.

I hated being observed.

I guess I hated Koschei for reminding me of my father.  
>I never knew what he was thinking. And he scared me. But I loved him too much to give up on him.<p>

It was the same kind of love I felt for Koschei which I felt for my father.

I cherished Koschei, I guess. I cherished him like life itself.

To me Koschei meant life. I remembered being alive every time he looked at me. Every time he greeted me with a mad grin.

And I had to admit that I got used to him living in my room as well. It wasn't that bad I suppose.

I know; it's a lot easier to say now, looking back on it all and indulging in reminiscences.

But I didn't mind him being in my room; of course not all the time.

There was something about him that made me feel... young?  
>I don't know.<p>

Dr. Neakahla had explained that in every mind exists some kind of superordinated perception of "Home". The definition can vary but the idea is the same, in every head, in every mind. There is "Home", representing comfort; it's associated with security, safety a feeling of belonging and whatsoever.

It's simply everything you can feel good about; and it's probably enriched by good memories, too.

And there's not only the sense of Home. There's a smell of Home, as well. Sometimes you think you can touch it, sometimes you think that you can actually feel, or hear it, or probably even taste it.

That doesn't mean that it's got to have something to do with the positive aspects of your childhood.

My mother couldn't cook.

She never managed to get her head around a cook book.

She never knew what to do with food. Except burning it.

So my childhood tastes of oversalted or burnt meals.

And that's not bad.

Alright, it _was_ bad; in fact it was horrible back then.

But that's just memory; it will never change. And in case I'm ever feeling insecure or uncomfortable all I have to do is burn up a carrot and voilà: it smells like home, it feels like home and it probably even tastes like home, if I would be stupid enough to savour it.

I don't mean to imply that life back home was like a burnt carrot.

It's just...

Even unpleasing smells or stenches can remind you of something good.

Something like your own wonderful uncomplicated and carefree childhood.

But not youth.

It was dark in my room and I missed looking at the stars at night.

The academy had always been illuminated, at least on the outside. Well, unless some rats had gnawed wires; or someone had cut through them but made it look like rats had gnawed them off because he was dying to see the stars at night again.

I only did it once.  
>And they never got me.<p>

But those in charge had learned from their mistakes as well; the rats and the wires had been removed and they had switched to cables intended for in-wall installation.

Be that as it may: I missed the stars. I wasn't allowed outside of the academy at night. Not without a good reason; like investigating on rare nocturnal insects. Only worked once.

And it was stupid nonetheless.

It was too bright as long as I was near to the academy.

I guessed that even on the roof it wouldn't be dark enough to see a thing in the sky.  
>And the artificial light seemed to frighten away the stars...<p>

Stars. I didn't even know why I missed the stars so much.  
>I had spent the last twenty minutes standing in front of the window, searching the sky for anything shiny, for anything at all.<br>I lay down on my bed and grabbed the rope beside my bed.

There had always been stars above us. On each night we had slept outside there had been stars... each night I had spent with Koschei and the others.

Koschei had always stared into the sky with fascination. His eyes had reached for the stars. And I guess he'd try to reach for the stars himself as soon as he'd get the possibility...

I closed my legs and tied my legs together, wrapping the rope around my ankles.

"Well I never knew..."

I froze in shock as soon as I had heard the voice from underneath.

There was someone lying under my bed.

Slowly a head appeared and arose beside mine from under the bed.

I was too upset to even move a muscle.

I could only stare in shocked silence at him.

"I've heard others talking about this strange habit. But I never would have believed that you actually did this. What's the purpose of all this?"

"Koschei!" I managed to get my voice back and after screaming at him it got back to normal "Koschei what are you doing here?"

He grinned. "I'm always beside you. Remember? Although... the last few hours I was beneath you, or underneath, or below, whatever you prefer." Koschei rubbed his neck. "Get's a bit chilly down there, I have to admit. And you should really dust the floor more often."

I hadn't calmed down and hid my legs under my blanket. "What are you doing here?" I repeated.

"I was curious" explained Koschei "as always. There have been these rumours, you see..." "What rumours?" I snapped; I couldn't take my eyes of him and folded my arms angrily.  
>Koschei sighed; but he wouldn't stop grinning. "Someone had mentioned that you're tying yourself up at night, somehow." His gaze went down to the legs hidden beneath the blanket. He pulled it aside; I tried to hold on to the cover but resistance was futile, like always with Koschei.<p>

"Well, I'll be" Koschei cocked his head to one side and stared at my legs. I looked aside.

"Well, you'll be what?" I mumbled and snatched the blanket away from him.

"Well, I'll be staying tonight, I guess" replied Koschei and knelt beside the bed, his fingers grasped at the rope.

I pushed his hands aside. Koschei gave me an irritated look.

"If you're staying you can sleep in the bed. But keep away from me. You're cold and dusty" my voice was fading and the last words had been a mere whisper. But Koschei understood them nonetheless and crawled in the bed. He wouldn't lie down; he tried to unknot the rope around my ankles.

I grasped his hands. "Koschei, stop that" I gave him a piercing glare "Don't touch it."

"You haven't answered my question" Koschei smirked "Why do you do this?"

"It's none of your business" I snapped. Those were the first words that had come to my mind. But for a while they had also been the last ones.

Koschei stroked my legs while alternating between my skin and the rope. "Why would anyone do that?" he asked himself and thought about it for a while.  
>I folded my arms again and sat up as well.<p>

Carefully he caressed my ankles. "They're bruised" he pointed out "there had been abrasions and small cuts... you... hurt yourself?" he asked unsure. I didn't reply; but Koschei didn't expect a reply.

"You're doing this on purpose, of course" he mumbled and pulled on the rope. I sighed and shoved his hands away. "Let me have a look at this, will you?" he grabbed my wrists and squeezed them impatiently before pushing them aside.

I yelped in pain and snapped: "Why, did you read anything about it in Dr. Neakahla's script?"

"Your favourite chapter was "The Unknown Body", wasn't it?" he mumbled, completely ignoring my remark.

"Get your hands off me" I hissed "Koschei, stop touching me!"

He turned his head to me and eyed me up carefully.

"Why are you furious?" he asked "Why are you so upset?"

"Because someone had been hiding in my room for several hours to bother me as soon as I would go to sleep."

"It's something personal, I assume" explained Koschei "but... you're not acting by conviction. It seems as if you don't even know what you're doing. Or why you're doing it..."

He removed the rope from my ankles and considered them closely.

"You can still see some old infringements" he mumbled and turned them carefully in his hands.

I looked away sulkily.

"Someone had tied them together for you, I guess" he tried to meet my gaze but I wouldn't even look at him; I wouldn't comply.

"Someone you loved... someone you trusted... you had to trust..."

"Stop it Koschei" I hissed between my teeth.

He sighed and embraced my ankles.

"Why would anyone tie someone's ankles together?" he looked at me again "Any idea?"

I didn't reply.

"Someone tried to keep you from running all the time, I suppose" Koschei went on "unless of course..." He moved his hands upwards until he had reached my knees. "It's not about your ankles, it's because of your legs, I guess..."

I closed my eyes and tried to deny his presence.  
>No; I tried to deny his existence.<p>

"What's so special about your legs?" he asked; his hands moved across my thighs again.

"Koschei, stop that" I stopped his hands before they could reach my torso. "Just leave it be... and give me the rope."

To my surprise Koschei handed me the rope.

I wrapped it around my ankles and shanks as well. As soon as I had fastened it with knots, Koschei would try to free my legs from the rope again.

We did that several times. I tied the rope around my legs and Koschei would unknot it again; or, if he couldn't undo the knot he simply stripped it off.

I don't know when I give in. But in the end I was too tired and too exhausted to struggle against him.

I let him keep the rope and folded my arms. I pressed my legs against each other.

"Theta, I'm trying to help you" explained Koschei and lay down beside me.

"I can help you abandoning that habit."

"I don't want to abandon it" I replied stubborn.

"Then tell me why are you doing this" Koschei tried to be reasonable which was something to be worried about. He never asked for reasons. Normally it was simply "No reason".

But this was something new...

I wouldn't reply.

I closed my eyes and felt the words rushing through my mind again.

Always: Close your legs.  
>Tie them together at night.<br>Never put your legs up in the air.  
>Don't spread your legs for anyone.<br>And don't let anybody come near you.

"You can't give me a reason" concluded Koschei "Because there is none."

I shook my head, eyes still closed.

Tie your legs together at night.

Always tie them together at night.

Koschei lay beside me. I assumed he watched me with fascination.

"Who told you to tie up your legs?" he asked. I shrugged, unwillingly to reply.

Koschei observed me for quite a while.

I was forced to open my eyes due to the sudden silence.

Koschei did nothing. He stared at me. That was all.  
>The fire in his eyes was burning. His pupils were gleaming.<p>

Madness arose.

He was thinking... He was thinking of something.  
>And then...<br>It went out.

The fire in his eyes died, as motiveless as it had started.  
>No glow. No glimmer.<p>

Like always.

Everything about him.

No Reason.

I had rolled over to one side.  
>My knees hurt because I pressed them against each other as firmly as possible.<p>

Koschei was breathing down my neck.

Oppressive silence had filled the room.

I closed my eyes knowing that I wouldn't be able to sleep with my legs untied.

Koschei sat up.  
>He moved quietly; every movement had been given carefully consideration; he shifted catty.<p>

I felt him kneeling beside me and turned my head to him.  
>I looked him in the eye irritated.<br>Koschei grabbed my knees and pulled them apart; then he turned one of my legs carefully over his head and knelt between my wide spread legs.  
>Don't spread your legs for anyone.<br>Close your legs and don't let anything come between them.

I tried to sit up but Koschei pressed one hand against my chest and forced me down on the bed again. He moved closer. I could feel his knees on the inside of my thighs.

Close your legs and don't let anyone come between them.

I shifted uneasily.

Koschei stroked my thighs before clasping my lower legs and pulling them up in the air; he moved them gently until my ankles rested on his shoulders.  
>Never put your legs up in the air.<br>I bit my lip and dug my nails into the sheets.

I was too shocked, too scared, too overstrained to move.

I couldn't even think straight anymore.

My mind was filling up with the well-known words, rushing through my brain, bouncing from one side to another and echoing all over.

Koschei didn't even look me in the face.

He didn't focus at anything in particular.

He spread my legs wider until they hurt.

Always: Close your legs.  
>He didn't give ma chance to move or close my legs.<p>

Tie them together at night.  
>I couldn't manage to slip away from him – he'd come close every time I tried to keep a proper distance.<p>

Never put your legs up in the air.  
>Koschei had come between my legs. I didn't even know what it meant.<br>But I didn't know what to do, either.

Don't spread your legs for anyone.

I couldn't move. I was trapped with Koschei between my legs. There was no turning back.

There was no way out.  
>I had no chance.<p>

And I was so scared.

And don't let anybody come near you.

Silence hung in the room. Koschei didn't move; neither did I.

There we were, remaining in the same position.

Hovering.

Observing.

_Waiting._

I would have heard Koschei panting if I hadn't been deaf and numb.

My mind was spinning and turning inside out. I was trapped in my thoughts. The same words falling and surrounding me, growing closer minute by minute.

Close your legs and don't let anything come between them

Close your legs and don't let anyone come between them

Close your legs and don't let anything come between them

Close your legs and don't let anyone come between them

Close your legs and don't let anything come between them

I clenched my fists, held on to the sheets and let out a cry of pain as Koschei thrust in.


	10. Chapter 10

_**A mean cliffhanger in the last chapter (don't I know that ;) ; hence there's the requested update**_

* * *

><p>My feet rested on his shoulders.<p>

Koschei grew closer with every movement, with every motion, with every move.

In and out.

Always in and out.

His eyes were closed and he breathed irregularly.

I could feel his hearts racing. Their rhythms had changed – they picked up the pace.

I felt every beat of his hearts.

Inside of me.

Somewhere inside of me...

And all I did was lying there and watching him with widened and unbelieving eyes.

I couldn't do anything.

I couldn't feel anything.

I watched.

I just watched.

How he moved in and out of my body restlessly.

How he breathed down my neck and increased his speed.

How his muscles twitched uncontrollably.

How he moaned and pressed his chest against mine.

How he stopped all of a sudden;

staring down at me; doing nothing apart from panting.

In and out.

Breathing in and out.

In and out...

The numb feeling in my body seemed to fade. My hands were cold.

My skin was covered in cold sweat.

But not only mine.

I lifted my arms and placed my hands on Koschei's shoulders; I tried to push him off me.

Whysoever.

I didn't know anything anymore; and yet Koschei conceded.

Silently he lowered my legs onto the bed and crawled back beside me.

He snuggled up close to me.

And I just lay there.

Stiff. Shocked. Immobile.

Koschei didn't say a word. I assumed he was fast asleep.

He was tired. He was exhausted...

Koschei had embraced me. Before he had gone to sleep he had wrapped his arms around my shoulders.

His head rested on my chest.

There he lay. Peaceful. Calm. Quiet. As if he couldn't harm anyone.

And that was probably what he thought about right now; if he could think of something while he was asleep.

No harm done.

No harm at all.

I closed my eyes. I couldn't think of sleeping.

I simply had to.

I couldn't think of anything.

My body hurt all over from lying there, stiff and strained and stressed.

My eyes shut.

In and out.  
>I could still feel it.<p>

The same movement repeating over and over again.

In and out...

No.

I breathed in deeply and tried to concentrate.

_Breathe_ in and out.

Breathe in and out...

I awoke due to the pain in my back.

I had slept with my legs untied.

I couldn't sleep with untied legs.

I blinked and tried to sit up.

I couldn't move.

Koschei was still lying beside me. He was still embracing me. His grip was cold and firm.

He wouldn't allow me to move. He wouldn't let go off me. Not even in his sleep.

I shifted unnerved. I had to tie my legs together! I couldn't sleep, I couldn't rest, I...

I ached all over.

I took a deep breath.

I had to move. I had to tie my ankles together. I couldn't...

My eyes widened.

The voice.

It was gone.

The voice in my head was gone. The words were gone.

It was just gone.

They weren't there.

They weren't there, not anymore.

No words sloshing around in my mind.

Nothing.

I held my breath and looked around panic-stricken.

Koschei opened his eyes beside me. He was wide awake.

Just like me.

But he wouldn't be the first one to talk.

And neither would I be.

I sighed and tried to turn around; I tried to turn away from him.  
>I had leg cramps and my back was killing me.<p>

Koschei wouldn't move. I shifted uneasy in his arms.

"Just let me sleep, will you?" I mumbled hoarsely. Koschei released his grip. I rolled to my stomach and placed my arms above my head. If Koschei would dare to touch me I would push his hands aside.

And he remained stubborn. And he tried to wrap his arms around me again and again until he grasped my hands, hold them tight and pressed my face into my pillow until I would stop offering resistance and struggling against him...

_The Doctor had a rude awakening. He had sat up in his bed in his sleep._

_His knees hurt under tension. He looked around irritated. He was alone._

_There was no one._

_Who had been in his Tardis in the first place?_

_Hadn't there been someone who kept bugging him? Who had kept waking him up?_

"_Doctor?"_

_The distant voice grew closer and thereby louder._

_The Doctor fell back into his bed and pretended to be asleep._

_But the voice came nearer nonetheless._

"_Doctor? Are you awake?"_

"Wake up."

A clenched fist hit me on the upper arm. I groaned and tried to slump back under the cover of my blanket.

I got punched once or twice again before the covers from above my head were pulled away.

The first thing I was forced to see after a poor night's rest was Koschei's big grin.

"You're late."

"I don't care" I replied hoarsely and stayed still. Koschei dragged me out of the bed and let me drop to the floor. I'd huddle up but wouldn't get to my feet; I wasn't going to comply.

Koschei looked down on me as I buried my face in my arms and sighed.

"I don't want you to be late" explained Koschei and squatted down beside me.

"I don't care about what you want or not" I replied in a muffled voice; I hadn't raised my head and mumbled into my forearms.

"I didn't quite get that" Koschei went on.

I let out a long drawn-out sigh and sat up, rubbing my eyes.

"In case you haven't noticed" I pointed out angrily "I'm tired and I want to go back to sleep. And I _am_ going back to sleep whether you like it or not. I just don't care! Do you hear me Koschei? I don't care! And I don't care if anyone comes into my room and drags me out by my hair or if Ms. Reprics comes in here and beats me up with her walking stick. Each to its own; and I'm going back to bed."

Koschei watched me with interest how I crawled back into my bed, swearing and groaning.

He just stood there and watched.

Before I could get comfortable he'd say: "But she doesn't deserve it."

Then he'd seize me and force me into my clothes, grab my handbooks and training material and took me by the hand. He guided my steps carefully and I left, unwillingly but accompanied by him the room.

"She just doesn't deserve it" repeated Koschei.

I rubbed my eyes again and snatched my documents out of his hands. "Who and what?"

"Ms. Reprics. Or anybody else. Like you said it. She just doesn't deserve it."

"I thought you meant that I didn't deserve getting beaten up" I countered and yawned.

"Close your mouth or cover it while you're yawning" mumbled Koschei absent-mindedly.

He was thinking.

Slowly I trotted beside him.

Koschei stopped in front of a door. Not that he intended to go through it. He just stopped. A thought must have struck him. Or set fire to his mind.

I didn't know. Thoughts didn't seem to strike him but to destroy him as well.

"What did she achieve to deserve to penalize you?" he asked all of a sudden "Why should she be allowed to punish you?"

"She's in charge of us" I replied and yawned again "And Koschei, I thought we were going to be late."

"Ms. Reprics is never in charge" replied Koschei and rushed down the corridor, pulling me along.

That was what I was to him.

A toy.

A pull and push-along toy, but being specially privileged to be able to speak.

And Koschei thought that I wasn't given the privilege only to contradict him.

"She doesn't deserve it" he concluded.

"She simply doesn't deserve it."

I never knew how his mind worked. And I wouldn't have wanted to find out.

Koschei had given me a headache.

Apart from the rude awakening and the talking nonsense in the morning.

I recollected that he had tried to choke me in the night. He had pressed my head against my cushion in order to suffocate me with it.

The night...

I breathed in deeply whenever I tried to think about it.

Or not to think about it.

I was confused.

I simply didn't know what happened.

And I didn't want to remember.

Koschei was mad. He'd always been mad.  
>And I felt like I was going mad, too.<p>

The memories of the past night came back one by one; each of them bit by bit.

But I didn't understand it.

What had he done to me?

I just didn't understand it...


	11. Chapter 11

I lay in my room for hours during the afternoon, just reflecting, just trying to comprehend.

But I just didn't understand it.

I remembered now that it was important to close my legs.

But still I didn't know why.

And neither did I know what happened.

Or what happened now.

I felt somehow ashamed and I didn't know why.

I was embarrassed for not obeying my father's orders.

I hadn't closed my legs.

I had let Koschei come between them.

I had let Koschei come near me.

He had been closer to me than ever before...

Why.

That was all I could think about.

Why.

Why did Koschei do this?

Why didn't I refuse to accept him moving closer?

Why did he want to get between my legs?

Why did I feel horrible?

I sighed and closed my eyes, pressing my legs against each other and clutching my arms around them.

Why?

The window in my room opened slowly. I didn't even turn my head.

There was the answer. Right in front of me.

Or behind me, to be more specific.

It just came into my room trough the window.

The answers to "Why" were "Koschei" and "No Reason".

"The room wasn't locked" I mumbled and crouched into a corner of my bed.

"I like entering by window" explained Koschei "it's far more interesting. I don't like doors."

I turned my head into a different direction and sighed.

After descending several books and scripts, which crashed onto the floor noisily, Koschei lay down behind me. His hands rested on my shoulders.

"Worried?" he asked.

I didn't move; neither did I give him a reply.

"Frightened?" Koschei asked with increasing interest.

"Irritated? Abashed?"

"Annoyed" I replied bluntly. I folded my arms in front of my chest and tucked up my legs.

Koschei moved closer. His chest was pressed against my back, sinking deeper into it with every breath.

Koschei breathed down my neck. He rubbed his cheeks against my shoulders and ran his fingers through my hair.

"You need a lot of body contact" I mumbled half to myself. I didn't understand it. I didn't understand what Koschei got out of it. Someone as inaccessible as Koschei...

"My innocent little Theta" he whispered in my ear. I clenched my fists.

"What do you want?" I hissed through my teeth.

"Nothing" he replied honestly "Just bugging you. Always bugging you."

"Can't you play with anything else?" I tried to slip away from him. Koschei lay one strong arm around my upper part of the body.

"I guess you're my favourite toy" explained Koschei and chuckled.

"Don't I know that" I mumbled "Only few toys survive this long." I turned my head into his direction. "I'd always thought you preferred toys as a kid which you could break, split, destroy and decompose in less than half a minute and reassemble incorrectly."

"The longer it lasts the more fun it becomes" pointed Koschei out icily.

I shivered.

"And you haven't found a way to break me yet" I assumed.

"Oh... I guess there would be more than one way" explained Koschei "And I would be lying if I told you I haven't thought about it. I think about it every minute. Every time I touch your skin... your soft skin..."

I pushed his hand aside as he ran his fingers over my upper arm.

Koschei sighed and increased his grip. His arms entwined around my ribcage.

"I remember how you were as a kid" whispered Koschei into my ear. I could hear him chuckling as he pulled my body towards his.

I couldn't evade his touch.

"I liked you, Theta. I've always liked you. We'd spent so many evenings together, so many nights... we've wasted weeks together... and I swore, Theta, I swore to myself that you'd be the last one I'd kill..."

I flinched. Koschei's hands on my chest hurt. And he'd startled me by mentioning that.

And though I knew that Koschei was mad I tended to underestimate him. I never figured out _how_ mad exactly he was.

But I guess the only valid depiction would have been _completely_.

I tried to change the subject.

"Koschei, why are you in my bed again?"

"Because you were lying there" he replied openly "It was a shame, though. Your father never liked me very much."

"I know" I mumbled "and I'm sorry."

"You shouldn't be" Koschei smiled "I guess he knew how much I had hated him."

"Why did you hate him?" I asked.

"Because he disliked me."

"And what did he dislike you for?"

"For hating him."

I sighed and shifted uneasily. Koschei was still trying to move closer. I couldn't hear him breathing.

I _felt_ it.

In and out.

Always in and out...

I closed my eyes and pushed the thoughts back into the darkest corners of my mind.

"And who started it?" I asked uneasily.

"No one" replied Koschei "It had always been this way. It was meant to be this way, I guess."

"Nonsense" I countered "that's rubbish. You could have treated him more respectfully."

Koschei smirked.

"He didn't deserve it."

I bent one knee and placed my sole of foot on Koschei's knee behind mine; my toes pressed against it gently and warningly at the same time.

"I don't like it when you're talking about my father like that" I pointed out and nudged his knee.

"And I don't like your father."

"Koschei, I mean it. Stop talking about him like that" I turned to him slowly. Koschei's eyes revealed his tranquillity; but his stare was unpleasant nonetheless.

"Every brief look of him had been filled with anger" explained Koschei, his eyes brightening "he'd been fuelled with hatred as soon as he caught a glimpse of me."

"He knew that coping with you required special treatment" I sighed "But he never would have turned you down if you had wanted to see me. He never chased you away."

"I guess he should have" mumbled Koschei. Our ribs seemed to fuse into one giant ribcage; our lungs had been synchronized; we breathed in and out simultaneously, our bodies moving deeper into each other.

In and out... in and out...

"Your father is a wise man and you know it; he'd known it. He knew that I meant trouble. And he had wanted to keep us separated."

"But he didn't" I added "he never would have done that."

"And do you know why?"

I sighed. I knew that an unsatisfactory answer was about to follow.

"What do you think Theta?" Koschei turned my body around and moved me to one side. I looked into two shining eyes, sparkling with madness.

"Why would he do that?"

I shrugged.

"Because he knew that I would have been unhappy if he had tried to shield me from you" I responded quickly.

Koschei shook his head.

"Sad thing to know, really" Koschei rested his head on my shoulder and looked me deeply in the eye "the truth is always a sad thing to know."

"And you know it?" I asked unbelievingly. Koschei nodded.  
>"Then tell me."<br>"Oh, I don't think you _want_ to know" Koschei shook his head; "you wouldn't like it."

"Tell me, Koschei" I repeated "and you know how I feel about your point of view, anyway."

Koschei sighed. "Don't say I didn't warn you."

"I knew what I got myself into when I didn't throw you out of my room the first time I saw you in here."

"Trouble, I suspect" smiled Koschei, his face moving towards my ear and started whispering.

"Your father is a wise man – no doubt about that. And he knew what I meant; he knew what it would be like having me around all those years; he knew what he was forced to cope with; and he knew that you'd never be safe as long as I was around."  
>I turned my head aside to meet his gaze. Koschei hadn't stopped smiling.<p>

"But you know why he hadn't turned me away? Not because he underestimated me, no, your father is a fine man; no, because he simply didn't love you enough to protect you from me. If he would have really loved you he would have killed me the first time I'd set foot into your house. Back then he would have stood a chance against me. I was... how old had I been when we met? Four years? Six years? I'm sorry, Theta, but I can't remember. But even at the age of six it shouldn't have been too hard for him. He knew that I would mean trouble, he knew that I'd hurt you one day. And he simply didn't do anything. He's had his chance. And he didn't use it."  
>I froze and held my breath. I felt my stomach turning. His words made me sick.<p>

They sounded sick.

It was just... sick! I couldn't think of another word to describe it.

I wasn't shocked because he meant that my father hadn't loved me enough; I was shocked at his own remark that my father should have gotten rid of him while he still had had the chance.

Koschei sat up again and pulled me upwards likewise.  
>"Oh, don't look at me like that Theta. You <em>know<em> that I'm right about that." He grabbed my shoulders. I tried to push his hands aside helplessly.  
>"Your father could have thrown me out of the window. Or pushed me out of the window if it should have looked like an accident..."<p>

"Koschei, please!" I grabbed his hands and squeezed them hard "Stop talking like that! I don't want to hear it!"

"But you know it, don't you?" asked Koschei "You've seen it yourself. You've seen the hatred in your father's eyes, you'd felt the anger and desperation whenever I had been around; you've seen it in his eyes yourself. You've seen it; that I died; how I died; every time he'd looked at me I died in his eyes and every time it would be more painful."  
>"Stop it, I said!" I yelled at Koschei and jumped out of my bed "I don't want to hear another word! Do you hear me? Not another word!"<p>

I stood beside the bed and stared at Koschei, tears welling up in my eyes.

Koschei met my gaze; his eyes were hollow. He was calm. He was unmoved.

I covered my face with my hands.

"My father never would have done that" I sobbed into my palms and whipped away the tears "And you know that he couldn't have done that."

Koschei remained unmoved in my bed. He popped his head to one side and looked at me innocently; it was the same innocent look he'd given me all these years.

"Your father knew that I meant trouble" he repeated earnestly "He knew that he wouldn't be able to enjoy a peaceful night's sleep ever again as long as I was alive; he knew he'd always be up and worry about his son; he'd have to worry about you because he couldn't protect you; and no matter what he'd try: you'd never be safe."  
>The memories came back and rushed through my mind, wave after wave getting tossed around inside of my head.<p>

The memories of my father spending the nights beside my bed.  
>All these nights.<br>Watching me. Talking to me in my sleep.  
>Tying my legs up.<p>

He'd wanted me to be safe.  
>He'd wanted me to be safe from Koschei.<p>

"But his hate for me wasn't stronger than his sympathy for socially accepted values" Koschei went on quietly "and his love for you wasn't strong enough to kill me."  
>"Stop that" I whispered. My legs gave out from under me and I collapsed back onto the bed.<p>

"Your father couldn't fight it" Koschei patted me on the back "he simply missed his chance. That's all. He should have killed me. And he knows that. Your father knows that he'll never be able to sleep through a single night, because he knows that I'm still outside there, that I'm still alive."  
>I sniffed and looked down as I placed my hands on my knees.<p>

"He'd wanted you save. All these years he'd always wanted you to be safe. And he'd failed. He couldn't protect you from me."  
>"What did you ever do to me?" I asked unbelievingly and sobbed.<p>

"I happened to you" replied Koschei "that's enough."

I leaned my head against his shoulder.

"Don't say that ever again, Koschei" I whispered, my voice was tear-choked "My father didn't fail to protect me."  
>I failed to protect myself.<br>I sobbed, burying my face in Koschei's chest, pushing it deeper with every breath, with every sigh and racking sob.  
>"He should have separated us" Koschei nodded to someone absent-mindedly, whoever he had thought or pretended to see right now behind me or in his mind; it didn't matter. And it didn't even matter to him that there was no one else in this room.<p>

"It wasn't his fault" I whimpered and grasped his shoulders "He's not to blame."

Koschei sighed. My emotional reaction seemed to irritate him. He didn't know how to deal with it.

"He did all he could, alright?" snapped Koschei.  
>I agreed and sniffed.<br>My sobs became quieter.

"I never would have thought that I could give in one day" Koschei pulled himself together and chuckled, "I thought I'd always maintain my position."  
>He raised my head and turned it towards his face. "I must be mad, Theta."<p>

"No, you're nearly reasonable" I pointed out.  
>"That's being mad, for me."<p>

Koschei embraced me. He held me close and tight, patting me on the back constantly.  
>I sank into his arms and couldn't stop crying.<p>

I didn't know why.

And I was glad Koschei wouldn't ask me about it.

He didn't understand emotions at all.

I guess I felt horrible because I knew that Koschei was right.

We never should have got to know each other.

I never should have brought him home.

My father should have killed him.

And we shouldn't have met again in the academy.

Our paths never should have crossed.

They never should have crossed at all, because once they touched each other they had to melt;

They'd melt into one path of chaos.


	12. Chapter 12

To my surprise I slept through the whole night; Koschei had taken the rope from me and, because I couldn't find it in my own room, I assumed that he'd taken the effort to step into his own room and hide it in there.

I never would have dared to enter Koschei's room just to get it back.

I'd rather sleep with my legs untied.

No one ever dared to set foot into his room. You never knew what lingered there...

In the worst case it would have been Koschei, I guess.

But Koschei made it easy for me.

He'd snuggled up to me, his arms wrapping around my chest and his legs entwining around mine.

It felt as if I had been tied up, not only my legs but my whole body.

Koschei needed a lot of body contact, I assumed.

I didn't mind it.

Well, it was a bit uncomfortable, lying on one side the whole night, being unable to move because someone slept beside you and refused to let go off you, no matter how hard you pushed him in his sleep. Koschei held on to me firmly; and I was amazed at his strength.

But it could have been worse than waking up with a backache.

I could have woken up with a headache after someone had tried to suffocate me in my sleep...  
>Or I wouldn't have woken up ever again...<p>

"If you love someone you've got to hurt him. Or otherwise you'll get hurt yourself."

"Life is about hurting others."

I thought a lot about Koschei's remark.

And somehow I couldn't get rid of the idea that my father had wanted to kill him.

That he still wanted to kill him...

I sighed as I entered my room.

No Koschei around. Until now.

I collapsed onto my bed. He'd turn up, sooner or later.

As soon as he'd realize that I was in my room...

Love hurts.  
>That's what I'd always thought.<br>Well, that's what I'd always _heard_.

But it wasn't right. No.

It should be rephrased, definitely.

_Life_ hurts.

And Koschei wasn't quite right.

Life wasn't about hurting others. It was about hurt itself.

Either getting hurt by others. Or hurting others. Or hurting yourself...

I adjusted my cushion and tried to fluff it up by poking it a bit. It sure had been deformed because two heads had been resting on it now for a while...

I guess it's a phase we all have to pass. Well, I've never discussed this matter in any way. I just assumed that it was normal.

At a certain age you're interested in hurt.

You want to know what it feels like when others are suffering. Therefore you make them suffer. Somehow.  
>Not that you achieve anything by doing this.<br>But it's what children do. Children are cruel. They're crueller than adults, I suppose. Only they're lacking the language, they're lacking the ability to express their cruelty by words. But it hurts nonetheless. Either way, it hurts.

And then comes a time when you're interested in pain itself. And you learn that the only way to probe it is by hurting yourself.

Well, that sure was a nice way of putting it.

Of course it's a lot more complicated.

You don't hurt yourself because you want to investigate. It's more like...

You're unable to express what you're feeling. You're experiencing pain. You're feeling hurt. But you don't have anyone you can turn to. No anybody you can talk to. So you try to release the pain by inflicting pain on yourself.

I'd always thought that you actually release the pain, in a way. At first you feel it inside; you feel your heart aching; or you're just feeling hollow, with nothing left inside;

And then you feel it on the outside.

I didn't inflict injury on myself; not on purpose.

I must have been twelve, or possibly thirteen.

Back then I felt hollow; I used to sit in my room for hours. My ankles had been bruised and excoriated; my father had chafed my skin with the ropes he used to tie my legs together at night.

And I would pick on the scab, scratch over the abrasions and scrape my skin gorily.

And it hurt. It really hurt.

And it got worse at night, when the rope got tied around the oozing wounds again; those scratches wouldn't stop my father from tying me up.

And in the morning I'd pick again on the scabs.

I let myself bleed. I watched myself bleeding.

It wasn't much blood. But I could feel the pain running out of my body; that's how it appeared to me. Blood had been concentrated fear, concentrated pain and insecurity.

And I could release it.

It could all go away, I thought. Simply float out of my body, until nothing was left.  
>And then I'd be <em>really<em> hollow.

My father kept me from reopening old sores. He bandaged my ankles night for night. And night for night I tore the bandage of. If he was to tie me up, I had thought back then, then it should hurt. He wanted me to learn my lesson.

And I wanted to learn the hard way.

Gosh, I was stupid!

I can hardly believe that this child, this scared, little and irritated child had really been me.

But I guess that's just the way it is.

And maybe I was wrong.

Maybe not everybody passes through that phase.

I can't imagine Koschei hurting himself. No, that won't work. He'd always, always hurt others.

But if I come to think about it...

I had wandered around my room restlessly.

I was thinking. And somehow I didn't like remembering the past. _That_ past.  
>This special part of my past.<p>

I had tried to forget it and I had tried to deny it.

It had been stupid to pick on the wounds; and the fact that it had been years ago didn't alter it in any way. I had never intended to hurt myself.

I guess I had just been scared. And scarred.

I smiled at my own stupidity. What a terrible pun.

I bet Koschei wouldn't laugh about it. On the other hand he didn't laugh about wordplays.

Though he had a good and extensive vocabulary he didn't get them. At least most of them.

It had something to do with his madness, I assumed.

"scared" and "scarred" would sound similar to most of the people. To Koschei they probably wouldn't.

His mind worked in a different way.

It worked in mysterious ways.

You never knew what he thought.

And it took me years to learn that I didn't want to know how his mind works.

I've always looked forward to meeting Koschei with mixed feelings. Although I'd thought that in this occasion "mixed up" or "screwed up" feelings would have been more appropriate.

When we got to know each other I found him likeable.

That changed. That changed very quickly.

Then I had pity with him.  
>I don't know why, and seriously, I don't even understand it myself.<p>

But that changed as well.

Then I was scared of him. And that didn't last long, either.

Finally I remained with a combination of mistrust, reliance and a bit of disinterested.

And that seemed to work till now.

I was in dire need for mistrust because you never knew what he thought.

I could rely on him because I knew he'd always want to protect me.

And I mustn't show interest in his life; otherwise he'd get the idea that I'd want him to spend more time with me.

All in all it was a wonderful combination.

And it didn't change.

Not even after he'd gotten between my legs...

I backed away from the window as if I'd seen something unbelievably horrible; like a giant sun breaking into pieces and shattering its burning parts all over the universe, incinerating everything within its reach.

But I hadn't. It was the mere thought of...  
>No.<p>

I pressed a hand against my chest.  
>I didn't want to think about it. I <em>couldn't<em> think about it!

I felt... weird.

I didn't even know what it was.

It.

The feeling. The constant movement. The touch of Koschei, feeling him skin on skin between...

I closed my eyes and spun around.

No.

There was nothing to think about.

There was nothing.

Nothing had happened.

I had done nothing.

I hadn't...

My heart rates accelerated and I felt my blood pressure increasing. The blood rushed down into my pelvic area. I sat down on my bed.

It felt disgusting.

It felt wrong.

I sighed and rested my head in my palms, my arms resting on my knees.

Somehow I felt as if I'd betrayed my father. As if I'd let him down...

...Somehow...

But I didn't even know what I'd done wrong. I didn't even know it...


	13. Chapter 13

_**Thanks again for the reviews and the reading! It means a lot to me! I get so excited everytime I see that there's a new comment :)**_

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><p>The door behind me got pushed open and slammed shut after a second.<p>

I turned my head and cocked an eyebrow.

"It's entering by door then again, is it?" I asked Koschei who stockpiled several books on the floor, as well as some handouts and memos.

"You'd expect me to come through the window" explained Koschei and placed the last book on top of the others "I figured it'd be boring."

He looked up to me. His mad grin seemed to hit my face.

I didn't like his expression.  
>He looked mad and incalculable.<p>

In fact it was nothing unusual that Koschei looked like this.

But he seemed unsuspicious; which made him appear more suspicious than ever before.

Or he was just getting on my nerves.

I leaned my back against the headboard of the bed.

I shook my head.

_My_ bed. I had intended to think about it as _my_ bed.

Koschei rumbled about the things he'd stored in my room. He tossed some books aside, scattered papers around the floor, found an apple and threw it at me.

I tried to duck, but it landed beside me nonetheless.

"You could have caught it" mumbled Koschei without turning his head.

"I thought you'd wanted me to get hit by it."

"If I had intended to hit you with it you wouldn't even have seen it coming" replied Koschei and sorted through his belongings.

I sighed.

"Did you ever hurt yourself?" I blurted out.

The room remained silent for quite a while; only the constant noise of sheets getting torn out of books or floating through the air and towards the ground seemed to disturb it.

"Not intentionally, if that's what you're referring to" answered Koschei, without giving it much thought, I assumed. "Why?"

"No reason" I replied quietly.

I could hear him chuckling.

"And you never hurt yourself?" I asked again.

"I'd rather kill myself than hurting myself wilfully" replied Koschei.

I shook my head. "That doesn't make sense."  
>"Give it a second thought" smiled Koschei "it makes perfectly sense. Not only to me. Killing implies short suffering. Hurting lasts longer, a lot longer I think."<p>

"You could do it in small amounts" I pointed out "you could kill yourself really slowly."

"Then it's hurting and not killing yourself" replied Koschei "to some people simply living is hurting yourself. Get your head around it, Theta: killing is fast and hurting is slow. And that's that."

I folded my arms and shrugged.

"By the way" Koschei took up the issue again after a while "Why are you talking about all this?"

I shrugged again.

"Theta, you don't do anything just because. You shouldn't even be allowed to use the words "no" and "reason" together in one sentence."

I didn't reply.

"If I had started talking about suffering and killing I know what you'd have said to me..." grumbled Koschei before sitting down on my bed beside me.

"You know that I don't mean it" I mumbled "With you I never know..."

Koschei grasped my hands. He stroked them carefully before placing them on his thighs.

I sighed and rested my head against the wall behind me.

Koschei moved my hands across his thighs.

I looked down uninterested.

"I didn't like it when you hurt yourself" explained Koschei without searching my gaze "But I know that you did."

I gave no answer and stared at the ceiling.

"Though your parents didn't notice..."

"Let's not talk about it, Koschei" was the only thing I had to say about it.

Koschei didn't expect more.

He simply nodded and placed his hands on top of mine; he caressed them fondly.

I shifted and tried to get comfortable. I couldn't stretch my legs as long as Koschei was sitting so close to me. It made me feel uncomfortable.

Koschei handed me an apple.

I looked at it absent-mindedly, my gaze piercing right though it.

Koschei grabbed me by the wrist and placed my hand on his thighs.

"Want a rub?" he asked smiling.

I frowned and pulled my hand away. Then I shook my head unbelievingly.

"I just wanted to be fair" added Koschei "Suit yourself, as always."

"I still don't know why you liked doing this to me" I replied and placed the apple on my bed.

Koschei picked it up and hold it out to me again. I shook my head once more.

He grinned broadly. "You still don't know why I _like_ doing this to you" he corrected me and placed the apple on my thighs.

I sighed and rolled my eyes.

"Can't you just tell me?"

"You don't want to know" replied Koschei and rubbed the apple across my legs.

"No, I'm pretty sure I want to know" I folded my arms again and stared at him angrily.

"You won't be happy about it."

"What is it?" I asked.

"You're not gonna be satisfied."

"What IS IT?" I yelled.

Koschei smiled calm and quietly.

"No Reason" he replied and bit into the apple "It's just No Reason. But I know that you don't like that. That's no proper excuse, not in your eyes."

I sighed and leaned my head against his shoulder.

"You're weird" I concluded.

"And you're not very hungry."

"I don't really like apples, I guess" I mumbled, adding in a lower voice "Not after you've rubbed them all over my body."

"That's why I offered you one I hadn't touched" countered Koschei.

"Koschei, I just don't know what it is with you. I just don't understand that."

Koschei smirked.

"Believe me" he chuckled "there are so many other things you don't understand about me as well."  
>"Don't I know that" I sighed and bit into his apple as well.<p>

Koschei laid an arm around me.

Hurting myself had been the most personal thing I'd ever done.

I know that it sounds stupid.

And I probably shouldn't think about it like that.

But that's how I felt about it. There had never been anything more intimate to me.  
>Hurting others meant losing control.<p>

Hurting yourself meant total control.

Or something like that.

And Koschei had known about it. He'd always known.

He'd seen the bandages around my feet. He'd seen the abrasions.

But he'd never said a word. He'd never asked.

And back then he'd never smiled.

I guess Koschei wouldn't have understood that thing with the self-inflicted pain.  
>I assume he'd been irritated back then, when he'd seen me scratching my ankles sore; he might have been worried, probably for the first time in his life.<br>He couldn't understand it.

I guess he'll never do.

But I shouldn't wonder; you can't hurt yourself when you're selfish.

And Koschei had never been different.

I've always wondered if I had hurt myself because I had felt hurt by my father.

Those had been the most horrible years of my youth.  
>I tend to deny them, or pretend to forget about them. It's the same thing, I guess.<p>

I had been scared. I had been so scared. And I hadn't known what I should have been afraid of.

My fears had been irrational as well as absurd.

At first I had been afraid of my father because I knew he'd come to my bed every night and tie me up against my will.

And then it got worse; as soon as I had realized that my father accepted injuring me in order to protect me from something worse...  
>I had learned to obey. I had tied my legs together at night myself.<p>

And I hadn't slept in months.

I had been afraid. I had always been afraid.

I guess this had been one of the main reasons why I'd taught myself to run faster than all the others...


	14. Chapter 14

The piles of books beside my bed outgrew their highest levels to date. In my room lingered a faint musty smell, no matter how often I let some air in. Unnecessary scripts as well as writing utensils and stray fruits inhabited my room, due to Koschei's contribution.

And I got tired of asking what exactly he was planning with all these sheets and pens.  
>I had stopped caring.<p>

Only my bed would be spared from his stored items; but just because Koschei preferred sleeping in my room instead of his own. I began to wonder when had been the last time he'd even been to his room.

I closed the door behind me after getting bawled out by Ms. Reprics in front of mates I had respected. Till now.

I sighed as soon as I had realized that I couldn't collapse onto my bed because Koschei was already lying there.

"She's been moving up" mumbled Koschei and ripped pages out of a thick tome.

"Moving up on what?" I asked and threw my handouts into the air, watching them slowly float to the ground. Koschei looked up.

"Isn't it my job to cause disorder and chaos?" asked Koschei

"She's been moving up what?" I repeated unnerved "The social ladder?"

Koschei smirked. "She's been moving up on my list."

I snorted and sat down on the edge of the bed.

"Koschei I'm not really in the mood for this" I replied and sighed "Don't talk in riddles. If there's something you've got to let me know just say it."

Koschei moved aside and knelt on my pillow; he tapped the sheet in front of him.  
>I sank into the bed, my head resting on his knees. He ran his fingers through my hair.<p>

I folded my arms in front of my chest.

"I can't take it anymore, Koschei" I snarled "I just can't take it anymore. Ms. Reprics is driving me mad. She can't stop picking on me."

"I thought this to be my job as well" mumbled Koschei and caressed my cheeks.

I hit him on the knee with one hand.

"You don't know how serious this is" I hissed.

"Now I can imagine" replied Koschei calmly.

"Ms. Reprics never stops. She just can't stop. And she's neither nasty nor malicious. She's just..." I groaned and punched the bed beneath me with my fists a few times.

"I can't take all the blame" I hissed between my teeth, "I can't take it! She talked to me like... she talked to me right in front of the others, in the hallway, where everyone could hear it. She said she wanted only the best for me. She said she didn't do it on purpose but by conviction. And she's convinced that she's doing the right thing. And that it's the right thing for me as well."

"What did she say?" asked Koschei self-composed.

I wiped my face a few times and sighed.  
>"Just ask anyone who's still in the hallway. They've heard it all."<p>

Koschei stroked me carefully.

He waited for me to continue; but I wasn't in the mood to explain it to him.

"It's just best to leave it be, I guess" I mumbled after silent minutes.

"I must apologize for punching you" I added quietly. Koschei shrugged.  
>"I've never hit you before, have I?" I asked uncertainly.<br>"I can't remember" replied Koschei "But you've always been considerate. I've treated you with respect" he smiled "and you've treated me likewise."

I shook my head. "I don't know what to do, anymore" I grumbled.

Ms. Reprics remarks concerning how I should chose my friends and what consequences I might have to deal with later on had sure taken my mind of the disturbing movements Koschei had...

I sighed. Alright. They hadn't.

Now I was stuck with feeling uneasy and had been humiliated as well.

And to say that she'd advised me to reconsider the way I chose my friends had been an euphemism, too.

Ms. Reprics had bawled me out, stating that I was the same as Koschei, that we were both the same, and what a disgrace I'd become, and how I had let her down, and that she'd set her hopes on me, and what she'd done for me, and what she had done to improve my mind, and what I did to her to repay her and that she deserved recognition and that I shouldn't dare to address myself to her ever again.

Not that I think that I'd done that ever before. Or that any of the things she had talked about had ever happened.

But I had felt the blank stares at my back.

And I had heard some of my mates chuckling.

And I had heard them talking behind my back.

I guess worst of all had been that she had dared to compare me to Koschei.  
>I wasn't like Koschei. And I would never be like him.<p>

It didn't bother me how often she'd tell me that I was useless, that I'd never amount to anything or that I'd bring shame upon my family and so on. That didn't hurt me – I already knew it.

But to claim that I was the same as Koschei...

"She said I'm like you" I blurted out all of a sudden. Koschei wouldn't stop caressing me.  
>I waited in silence for a moment. Koschei didn't seem to care about what I had just said. It seemed as if he hadn't even been listening.<p>

"Ms. Reprics blames me for becoming like you. She says I should stop you from coming near me. You're a bad influence."

"Can you move a bit to the right?" asked Koschei while guiding my legs to the other side of the bed and moving and turning my body around the sheet until he got comfortable and I was still within his reach; I was lying transversal abed as Koschei started massaging my back.  
>I sighed and moved my arm across the sheet.<p>

"She said I'm like you..." I repeated quietly "and you're a bad influence on me."

Koschei intensified his touch; it felt as if he had tried to twist around every single one of my vertebras by hand. I held my breath and sank deeper into the bed.

Ms. Reprics had compared him to me. She had dared to compare me to him!  
>Koschei had always said the Ms. Reprics was probably the worst of all kind. She knew about atrocity; she knew how to torture someone; I had always imagined her library to be built open a giant torture chamber.<br>Punishment could be both verbally and physically, I knew. Ms. Reprics had never given anybody the strap; at least not as long as others were watching.

Although I guess, that all of us had been curious about why she used to walk with her cane. She didn't seem to be physically challenged in any way...

"And what do you think?"

I raised my head and tried to face Koschei. He pressed my forehead back against the sheets, carefully but advisedly as well.

"What do I think of what?"

"Am I a bad influence?"

I sighed sulkily and let my head sink into the sheet while mumbling "I'll never know."

Koschei chuckled behind me. His hands moved around my neck; he ran his fingers through my hair.

He touched me quick and unmindful.

Though I couldn't get rid of the feeling that he fought against some inner urges to bury his hand in my hair and pull my face upwards by my hair.

"It's nonsense, either way" explained Koschei "If you were like me than I couldn't have a bad influence on you. You'd have a bad influence on me, because we would be the same. And therefore none of us would become influenced at all."

I closed my eyes and sighed; he talked nonsense, as always; and I nodded in agreement nonetheless.

"I've never thought of myself as a bad influence on others" Koschei went on.

"I don't think that Ms. Reprics meant what she said" I mumbled into the sheets.

"I'm convinced that she meant what she said" countered Koschei.

"I know that she meant what she said, alright? I'm just trying to ignore it. I don't want to know what she thinks of me." I thought for a moment. "No I don't want to think about what she thinks of me."

Koschei turned my head slowly, I faced the other way; my eyes remained closed.

"You're tensed" mumbled Koschei; I heard the cracking of my back as he moved my body around with his hands cautiously "I can hardly feel your spine."

"I guess it's already in the right position, thank you very much."

I could hear Koschei smirking behind me.

"And it's already pointing in the right direction as well" I added hurriedly.

"I don't mean to be a bad influence" explained Koschei. "I'm just there. I don't intend to disturb things. I don't intend to disturb others. I just do."

"Most of all you're disturbing Ms. Reprics" I added and gritted my teeth.

There was a loud crack and I sank back into the bed. Koschei had removed my garment and stroked my naked back.

"You're skinny" he mentioned after a while.

"I've always been skinny" I replied without giving it much thought. I had to admit that I was thankful enough that I was still in one piece. At least it felt like this.

And Koschei wouldn't have broken my spine.

I moved my legs uncertainly.

Alright. Everything fine. I was still able to move my feet. And my toes.  
>He had done me no harm.<p>

I sighed.

I knew that Koschei never intended to harm me. Sometimes it just happened.

And it wouldn't change.

"And it'll probably stay like this forever" added Koschei. I raised my head.

"What?" I asked irritated. Did he know what I had been thinking?

"You'll stay like this forever. You'll be skinny. I don't care about that. As long as you don't get skinnier..."

I placed my head in his lap. His hands touched my face fondly.  
>You never knew with Koschei. And you never knew what he thought. His mind was like a book I couldn't read; I remembered the characters, I knew the letters, but somehow my mind would refuse to recall the words and the meaning.<br>I never knew with Koschei; and I figured I shouldn't know.

"I'd go to sleep now, if you don't mind" I shifted and raised my head, "So in case you don't want to sit on my bed the whole night long you'll better move."

Koschei stood up and left my room without saying another word.

I had to admit that I hadn't been expecting this. But I would have lied if I had said that I didn't like it.

Koschei wasn't mad at me, I was sure about that. He'd always let me know if I had done anything to displease him.  
>Otherwise I wouldn't learn anything from it, he'd said.<p>

And still I never would have intended to displease Koschei...


	15. Chapter 15

_**Warning: dark scenes ahead. Very dark scenes...**_

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><p>So, Koschei was gone. And the rope was gone as well.<p>

I knew that it must have been in his room.

But that was just as good as knowing that something was lost for good.

I adjusted my pillow and collapsed onto my bed.

I closed my eyes.

No.

I sighed.

No, that wouldn't work. I couldn't just pretend that my legs had been tied up. I couldn't lie still. I _needed_ to be tied up. I was used to being tied up.

I was used to waking up in the morning with an unbearable backache as well.

I sighed and rolled over to one side.

I had to stop it.

I couldn't tie myself up forever. I didn't even know what I did that for, or why I still wanted to do it.

Because it made me feel safe...

I snorted and lay on my back.

No, it just couldn't work like this. It didn't matter why it made me feel secure at night; I needed to feel secure. I needed to feel protected.

I rolled over to the other side and bent my knees.

I sighed again.

No, there had to be another way. I had to find a way of dealing with this.

I got out of bed again and looked around the room for something useful. Well, I guess it wasn't possible to find _anything_ useful in my room. Not after Koschei's possessions had taken control over most of the floor and the small cabinet as well.

The closet wasn't stuffed with useless items; there was nothing useless inside it. In fact there was _nothing_ inside it at all. Just the clothes I wasn't wearing right now.

But I searched through Koschei's belongings nonetheless. There simply had to be anything I could make use of.

I sighed and tossed some books aside which had had most of their pages torn out.

I didn't know what Koschei had planned on doing with them.

But I couldn't believe that there wasn't anything useful. I just couldn't.

I found that the till now spare room beneath my bed had been stuffed as well with books and handouts.

Koschei didn't possess anything apart from paperwork and books.

And most of them didn't even belong to him, I assumed...

It got darker outside. I groped my way through Koschei's unloved belongings. I didn't like the idea that soon I wouldn't be able to see anything that might linger under my bed.

I didn't exactly know what it could have been. But because it would belong to Koschei I imagined it to be small, a very strange colour and be equipped with innumerable small but sharp teeth. And if I was really unlucky it might as well have the same mad face expression as Koschei as well.

I dug out several tomes, scripts and countless writing material and was already halfway under the bed.

I really must have been getting tired.

Things living under my bed... I chuckled.

There was nothing living under my bed. Except maybe for Koschei himself. And he preferred to sleep in my bed lately...

"Can't sleep?"

I winced and bumped my head at the bed before crawling out from underneath and getting to my feet again.

Koschei closed the door quietly.

"I thought you were in bed" I replied hurriedly and brushed the dust off my clothes.

"I thought the same about you" replied Koschei and moved towards my bed.

"You're planning on sleeping in my room again?" I asked and sat down on my bed.

"Just like you do" explained Koschei "But you can't."

He held out one hand. He had my rope with him. Or any rope. I couldn't make out if it had been actually my rope. And I didn't care about that.

"Time to break your habits."

Koschei forced me down onto the bed and spread my legs. He managed to tie the rope around my ankles and forced them apart; he had wrapped the rope around the bedpost and pulled on it; my feet pressed against the cold metal of the bedstead.

Disbelievingly I looked Koschei in the eye.

"What do you think you're doing?" I asked aghast.

"You need to get used to it, Theta" explained Koschei, kneeling between my wide spread legs.

As soon as I'd try to sit up Koschei would push me down into my bed again. I was unable to move my feet, there would have been no sense in trying to free my feet just by struggling against the rope.

But there would have been no sense in attempting to talk Koschei out of trying to break my habit, either.

I lay in my bed stiffly and dug my nails into the sheets.

Koschei placed his hands beside my chest and lay down on top of me, giving me no opportunity to defend myself against him or free me from the rope.

"I thought you had wanted to get tied up" smiled Koschei.

I became more and more uneasy.

Koschei lowered himself on top of me; his thighs between my thighs, chest against chest, his head beside mine. I turned to him slowly. The only thing I was glad about right now was that Koschei wasn't heavier.

"Koschei, please" I breathed in deeply, trying to push his chest off mine, though I knew it would fail to have the desired effect.

Koschei chuckled; it felt as if his chest would merge into mine, deeper and deeper with every breath.

In and out.

In and out...

I held my breath and tried to chase away the disturbing thoughts welling in my mind.

Koschei's face was above mine.

"Koschei that's not very comfortable" I hissed; I looked deeply into a pair of mad eyes.

"Neither is it for me" explained Koschei, pressing his thighs against mine in order to spread my legs even wider "the upper edges of your hip bone are poking me."

He pressed his crotch against mine; I couldn't do anything apart from looking away.

And trying not to puke.

It felt as if my stomach had turned into a knot and tried to digest itself.  
>To my embarrassment I had come to notice that my blood rushed down to my pelvic area.<p>

I pulled a wry face.

"Koschei..."

I looked at him with pleading eyes. Koschei was still smiling. "We'll try to make the best out of it, shan't we?" he mumbled quietly.

Koschei grew closer. He removed my garment as well as his own.

It didn't feel weird to feel him skin on skin. But it felt weird how it felt.

Or what I felt...

I bit my lip and turned my head aside. I didn't want to feel anything. I didn't know what he was about to do to me and I didn't understand it at all.

I just... didn't know. Anything.

I didn't know anything about anything.

Koschei must have noticed my uneasiness.

"Well, you can at least try to get comfortable" he smiled and grasped my hands.

I felt him moving forward. He pressed his thighs against mine, more brutal than before; more determined...  
>Our thighs seemed to meld into each other.<p>

Closer... coming closer...

"Koschei, I..."

Koschei pressed his index finger against my lips, still smiling.

"Just close your eyes and count to twenty and it will be over."

I closed my eyes unintentionally and froze, shocked by his remark. I tried not to panic and breathed in deeply.

Koschei kissed my neck and wrapped his arms around my chest, allowing our bodies to merge together. He grunted as I lay stiff and tried to find peace in the moment.

"Alright; make it thirty, then" he added in a lower voice and moved his hands upwards towards my wrists, squeezing them hard and pressing them down onto the sheets.


	16. Chapter 16

_**thanks again for the reviews :) and Mabudachi-trio, yeah, you're definately right ;)**_

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><p>I tried not to move.<p>

I tried not to get hurt more than necessary by moving.

I lay there.

I had opened my eyes after a minute or two.

My mind wasn't racing; it seemed as if it had left my body moments ago. I was brain-dead.

In a way.

Koschei was on top of me.

Coming closer.

In and out.

I looked Koschei in the face, cold and motionless. I tried not to think about the _thing_ he moved against constantly as my body. I must have left it without noticing.

I didn't feel anything.

In a way.

I didn't seem to have emotions anymore. I wouldn't have known what to feel, anyway.

Or how I should feel about...

In and out.

Closer and closer.

In and out. I felt nothing but in an out.

My ankles had been rubbed sore by the rope. My knees hurt; I had cramps in my legs. Koschei pushed against my lower abdomen persistently.

It hurt. It just...

"Koschei, you're hurting me" I whispered with wide open eyes and searched his gaze.

Koschei moaned and smiled.

"Don't worry" he breathed heavily "I'm trying to hurt you without loving you."

I would have thought "that's not what I meant" if I had been able to have clear thoughts during the process of...

I had stared at the ceiling absent-mindedly.

I didn't know. I just didn't know.

I didn't know what Koschei had been doing to me.

But in a way I knew that it was wrong; therefore I felt disgusting.

But I couldn't struggle against it. I didn't even know against what I should have tried to protect myself.

Although it was dawning on me...

Koschei...

I should have protected myself from Koschei.

I never should have let Koschei come between my legs.

Closer. Still closer and closer.

My pelvis got pushed harder and harder. Koschei grew closer, with every breath with every movement he managed to get... deeper.

I was able to free my hands from his firm grip. Koschei let me do as I pleased; he felt that I wasn't struggling. He felt that I wasn't resisting.

I placed my hands on Koschei shoulders and tried to sit up; I wrapped my arms around his upper part of the body and rested my head on his shoulders.

Always closer...

Always deeper...

In and out...

Still in and out...

I was unemotional. Neither did I take part in it nor did I fight it. I simply allowed it to happen.

Without knowing what it was.

Or what it would do to me.

Consent through silence.

Silence is consent.  
>I had read that in a book years ago; I thought it had been about conclusion of contracts. But you never know. And somehow it seemed to be more appropriate under the present circumstances.<p>

Koschei breathed heavily and moved restlessly above me.

And _under_ the present circumstances seemed to be appropriate as well.

I tried to shift uneasily only to be reminded once more that I was unable to move.

I closed my eyes.

I had been counting since my mind had gone dead.

Koschei grunted, pressed his hands against my shoulders and collapsed onto my body seconds later.

I winced in pain and held my breath.

I hoped that his chest hurt as bad as mine.

Koschei gasped for air; his face rested on my cheeks; his forehead was covered in sweat.

"Forty-seven" I hissed between my teeth, hoping that Koschei would soon get the strength back to move aside.

I met his irritated gaze.

"I counted to forty-seven" it was a mere whisper that died away quickly after the word "forty".

Koschei panted; but he was back to grinning.

"Took me longer than I'd expected" he replied and chuckled.  
>Koschei sat up and freed my legs from the bedpost; my cold feet sank onto the sheets slowly.<p>

He knelt between my legs while I didn't even think of closing them. Koschei seemed to enjoy it. He misjudged my immobility for serenity. But I was far from that.  
>The blood seemed to rush back into my brain.<p>

It would have been an exaggeration to say that I could think straight again.

But my thoughts didn't seem that curved anymore; and I guess that hadn't even made sense back then.

"Next time you can concentrate on counting the thrusts" Koschei smiled and moved his hands across my thighs in order to reach for my pelvic area. I closed my legs and folded my arms.

I couldn't think.

Still I couldn't think.

"I miss the stars" had been the first thought which had come to my mind. And because I was unable to think of anything I had simply vocalized it without giving it much thought.

Koschei grasped my legs and pulled them to one side; I sat up, feeling his hands on my shoulders again.

I turned to Koschei who had dressed himself quickly.

"I really miss the stars" I repeated absent-mindedly.

I couldn't have spoken of what had happened in my brain back then. But it felt as if it had been very close to exploding and bursting out through my eyes.

Koschei stood up and reached out for my hands.

"Come" he mumbled and pulled me with him, towards the window. I snatched my clothes and put them back on before following Koschei over the windowsill.

I guess it never would have occurred to me that it would be possible to reach the roof by climbing from windowsill to windowsill.

And even if it had occurred to me I never would have done that, not under normal circumstances.

But I wasn't thinking.

And I guess I wouldn't even have cared if I had slipped.

I didn't care anymore.

Koschei pulled me onto the roof as well; I sat down beside him. It wasn't very steep but due to the darkness it was hard to see where you could stand securely.  
>Koschei knew where it was safe to rest; I assumed he'd been here before.<p>

I grasped his arm involuntarily. "Don't worry, we're safe" said Koschei smiling.

"You can't see a thing" I replied nervously.

"That's not quite right" countered Koschei and pointed at the sky.

I looked upwards.

The sky.

The sky was full of stars.

The roof was high enough above the city lights, above the artificial light which illuminated most of the academy at night.

The stars.

I'd finally seen the stars again.

"When was the last time you've seen them, Theta?" asked Koschei. I stared at the sky with wide open and unbelieving eyes. My jaw had dropped.

"I can't remember" I mumbled half-heartedly while searching the sky with an observant gaze.

"Things have changed" I added, closing my mouth again.

"We all change over the years" replied Koschei.

He had been silent for the past minutes, which was unusual for him. And his replies nearly made sense to me, which was even more exceptional.

"But we just don't burn out and disappear" I mumbled and looked around "Where's the Truncated Octahedron constellation?"

"It's gone" explained Koschei, "it collapsed and fused together. Must have been two years since it happened."

I nodded thoughtfully.

"I guess you observed the stars a lot during the past years" I picked up the conversation again.

My legs hurt.

They wouldn't stop hurting. And they felt weak. I was afraid, no I was sure that I'd collapse on the way down. Therefore I had to stay up here a little longer.

I was sure we wouldn't freeze to death.

It was a little bit chilly only.

Koschei nodded.

"The past few weeks had been the first since a long time I had slept in a bed."

"You slept in the open air?" I assumed. Koschei smiled. "Or under someone's bed."

I chuckled.

"You're a freak" I mumbled quietly.

"And you're cold" replied Koschei "We should get down."

Koschei sat up properly, he'd leaned his back against the roof till now.

I grasped his hands. "No" I said hurriedly "Please, let's stay a little while longer."


	17. Chapter 17

Koschei looked me deeply in the eye. He searched my face. He searched my eyes. And it felt as if he could get about two inches inside my skull with his stare.

Eventually he shrugged.

I leaned my head against his shoulder.

My legs wouldn't stop shaking. I was weak and vulnerable. Somehow I felt as if my energy had been drained. It just wouldn't stop. And worst of all I felt that I got tired too.

My head rested on his shoulders; Koschei was sweaty; his garment was soaked with sweat as well.

He smelled.

No, that would have been wrong. It wasn't that the fact that he smelled... the smell reminded me of my childhood. Of Home.

It had something about it... something childish and familiar. It was intimate to me, somehow.

I had become acquainted with it over the years. Over the early years.

Now I remembered.

My room used to smell of Koschei; the scent had been all over him and me as well. It made me feel safe. It made me feel secure. It felt like being home and protected.

Though it was strange. There was something else in the smell.  
>It remembered me of home.<p>

It meant childlike complacency. But there was something disturbing it.

It brought back terrible memories.

It was the smell of innocence, the smell of an uncomplicated childhood.

And yet...

I had hated the smell, back then.

I had felt reassured because of the positive affects it had had on me.

But the other component...

It was a warning.

It meant danger.

Danger...

I raised my head and looked around irritated.

Koschei fondled my neck. He was warm. He was still warm. And his hearts were beating healthily.

While I was...

I pressed a hand against my chest. It was slowing down. I got tired, I couldn't deny it. I was tired. I felt emaciated and exhausted.

Koschei had sapped my energy. Somehow he had managed to weaken me. I felt terrible.

Koschei had managed to make me feel insecure; and yet he meant security and safety to me.

He protected me. He'd always protected me from everything.

But not from himself...

"Theta, we should really be getting down" Koschei stroked my back carefully. Physical contact. All the time. He needed it. He was in dire need of touching me. "I'm afraid it's no safe place to sleep. Not even with me by your side."

I raised my head which had fallen into his lap; I must have dozed off, I guess.

And I stared him in the eye.

Koschei smiled and kissed me on the cheeks.

"That's enough of childhood memories for today, isn't it?" asked Koschei and grinned.

My eyes widened.

He _knew_ what I was thinking.

He _knew_ it.

But how?

Was my mind so easy to read?

Koschei stood up and dragged me behind him.

Climbing down back into my room wasn't as unspectacular as climbing up the roof. And all of a sudden I did care and worry about slipping and falling off.

But Koschei guided me carefully.

He knew every inch of the walls. I wondered how often he'd been up there before.

Or what he had been doing.

But I'd never figure it out, anyway. And I never knew if I had wanted to know what he was planning. Koschei was always planning something.

And I feared the day he'd be done with planning.

I had hoped the world would have prepared itself for Koschei; that it had been ready.

But you're never prepared for him...

I was glad when we reached my room and lay down on my bed. Koschei took the rope once more in his hands and tied my ankles against the bedposts, but this time he left me enough room to shift a bit. And I really needed this legroom.

Koschei moved me aside and lay down beside me. I was very happy to find him lying as uncomfortable as myself.

"I'll have a look at your ankles in the morning" explained Koschei "then we'll see if there's another way for you to be tethered up."

I could see his white teeth shining in the moonlight.

Grinning like a mad Chester cat, as always.

I hated that grin.

"Tied up" I hissed as Koschei's head rested on my shoulder. "It's tied up."

"Same thing isn't it?" he chuckled and kissed my neck.

"I didn't mean to offend you" explained Koschei after I've snorted and cleared my throat several times. I had a hard time staying awake.

"You know, Theta... I'm not calling you a wild and untameable animal, which needs to be tethered up for safety reasons..."

"No, that would be you" I replied and let out a long drawn-out sigh.

Koschei ignored my comment and went on"...it's just... someone must have been really worried about you not behaving yourself. Someone had found it best to lock you up like an animal instead of talking to you about what bothers him; he'd preferred humiliating you instead of sorting things out properly; maybe he even thought it was the easy way out... and most of all he thought he could protect you...  
>no, even more, he thought he could safe you."<p>

"Go to sleep Koschei" I hissed and stared at the ceiling.

Koschei chuckled beside me and tried to get comfortable with his head on my chest. I hoped the two alternating heartbeats would keep him awake all night.

I breathed in deeply; I rubbed my face and wiped my eyes and tried really hard not to cry.

But I couldn't help it.

I didn't even know why I was crying; but the tears just wouldn't stop running.

And all of a sudden I understood why Koschei hated Ms. Reprics.

He understood her.

He was like her.

"_Doctor... are you crying?"_

_The Doctor mumbled something incomprehensible and lay on his back motionless._

"_Doctor, what's wrong?"_

_The Doctor didn't even bother to open his eyes. He didn't care who was beside him. He didn't care who kept bothering him._

_The only thing he cared about was how soon the fever would go down. He didn't want to remember it. It had taken him at least five regenerations to forget about it all, to forget about Theta, about Koschei and..._

_He rolled over to one side, hiding his face in a cushion._

_He couldn't stand it anymore. It had to stop. He had to keep himself from remembering._

_Theta was dead._

_He had died hundreds of years ago; he simply had died on Gallifrey. He couldn't remember why or how. But that wasn't important. It was important that he was DEAD.  
>He would never return. He could never come back. And his memories had to be lost for good. Theta had been lost forever...<em>


	18. Chapter 18

"Koschei, you're hurting me."

"Hold still."

I remembered now. Those had been the words.

Those had been the exact words which had echoed around our house.

Koschei you're hurting me.

I had said it over and over again.

And my father must have heard it.

I hadn't been screaming. In fact it hadn't been that bad.

Koschei had wrestled me down on my bed and had knelt on me; he had placed one of his knees on my stomach and had grasped my shoulders.

Really, it hadn't been anything.

We did what children simply do.

But Koschei was no child. He'd never been a child, I guess.

He didn't hurt me.

No, that wasn't right. He never intended to hurt me. Back then it simply happened. And I didn't blame him. Prior to this I had pushed him off my bed.

And Koschei was on top of me.

And I had told him to get off me.

And he had smirked.

And my father had been running; he had been running upstairs.

Something in my voice must have scared him. He'd been frightened.

My shouting had been a warning, he knew.

Something was wrong.  
>Something went horribly wrong.<p>

"Koschei, stop it, you're hurting me."

"I told you to hold still."

There had been nothing else. No more words. At least none I could remember.

I had been lying there, on my back, with Koschei on my body, touching me in a childish way.

That was all Koschei had always wanted. That I'd hold still for him.

That I'd stop struggling against his childish attempts to bring me to heel.

But there was nothing childish about Koschei, in the eyes of my father.

And he had stood behind us.

And he had stared at us.

At Koschei, who had been touching me innocently, and at me, while I was lying still and wouldn't move a muscle.

He just stood there and stared at us horrified.

Koschei must have felt his piercing gaze on his back. He'd turned his head towards him, let go off me and fled through the window. He was gone in five seconds, leaving me alone with my father, who just kept staring at me.

I met his gaze irritated.

My father had been appalled. My behaviour had appalled him.

And I didn't know if I had done anything wrong.

But I felt guilty nonetheless.

He made me feel if I had done anything wrong.

And stupid as I was I thought that I shouldn't have been shouting. As stupid as I was I thought that it had been wrong to put up a fight with Koschei. I should have let it happen.

I just should have let it happen.

I had run after Koschei, I had left my room and the house without saying goodbye. My father hadn't said anything. He had stood there in my room, shocked and irritated.

And I had put him to shame, I had figured.

Because I hadn't held still.

Because I had struggled against Koschei.

I had caught up with Koschei soon. I ran faster than he could, as always.

I was still frightened. I was still scared and shocked. And somehow Koschei managed to blow it all away. He caressed me. He cared for me.

And we just sat down on a hill and he'd hold me in his arms and protect me.

He was there for me.

He'd always been there for me.

And we watched the sky, the darkening sky.

All night long we stayed there, watching the sky and the stars. Friends had joined us, others had left, but we had stayed the whole night up there, fascinated by the dazzling light of a dying solar system.

We had just stared at the stars.

No.

We hadn't stayed there the whole night.

I had left him as well.

I had been frightened. I had remembered that I hadn't told my parents where I was. They didn't know where I had gone to, or where I'd been the past few hours. I was scared that I had frightened them as well.

My mother probably didn't even know why I had left the house in a hurry.

My father wouldn't have told her, I knew.

If I had ashamed him... if I had embarrassed him...

I had run.

I had run home.

I had run as fast as I could.

And I pushed the front door open only to be met by my father's gaze.

His frightened eyes. His shocked stare. His aghast glare.

And he would do nothing except staring at me; stunned, scared to death and in shocked silence; he just stood there. He said nothing.

Stared at me as if he hadn't known me. As if he wouldn't recognize me.

As if it had been someone else... or something else... but not his son. No.

As if I had been some kind of disgusting creature.

He looked me over, from head to toe.

He just stared at me; his eyes were glistening with unimaginable dismay.

He was scared.

He was appalled.

And I stood there, minute after minute and didn't dare to move.

I didn't know what I'd done wrong. But there was no doubt about that I had done something wrong. I had let him down. I had disappointed him.

Something had been wrong. Something had happened with Koschei.

And I never knew what.

And I never knew why.

Eventually my instincts had kicked in and I had run upstairs to my room.

And I stood there in my room, staring at my bed.

And I still didn't understand it.

And I didn't know what I had done wrong.

In the end I figured that I never should have raised my voice, that I never should have said a word.

I should have kept quiet.

My father shouldn't have been forced to notice _it_.

He never should have witnessed _it_.

Whatever _it_ may have been.

I didn't know. And I didn't know what Koschei had done to me; and I didn't even know why my father had been upset.

The door behind me had opened after a while and light intruded my dark room, enclosing a long drawn-out gloomfull shadow. I had crept inside my bed and stared at my father's distorted face.

Slowly he moved closer and glared down at me; his eyes were burning as well with rage as with fear.

Tears had bedabbled his cheeks.

"Close your legs" his voice was cracking as he spoke the words I'd never ever forget "And never open them again."

I had lain there, silent and frightened, being protected by nothing but the blanket, which I had grasped with tensed up fingers.

My father took a step forward and searched my gaze when he was about to reach for my blanket. I slipped backwards and knelt on my cushion; I had pressed my back against the cold wall.

"Close your legs" he had repeated it, I can't even remember how many times he'd tried to inculcate it to me, but he'd said it over and over, coming closer and scaring me more and more with every repetition.

"And don't let anything come between them."

Those had been the last words for the night. He had left the room silently.

And I had pressed my legs against each other absent-mindedly.

I took a deep breath after he'd left.

My legs had been locked. I wasn't able to move them.

I had leg cramps and felt sick.

And I had thought that I could never sleep ever again after that night.

But well... you never knew...


	19. Chapter 19

Thy words shall not be heard...

Thy words won't be overheard...

I didn't know where they originated from.

I guess those must have been words my father remembered. Buggered if I know where he got them from.

But they had been in my head as well.

You can pass on diseases and words and feelings... why shouldn't you be able to do it with thoughts likewise?

The strange thing had been: I knew that those words originated from my father. But it hadn't been his words. He'd never said that. He'd never thought that. They simply had been there, in his mind. All of a sudden. Burned-in and fixed in his mind.

And I didn't understand it; and neither did my father.

What words? he'd ask himself over and over again whose words wouldn't be heard?

It was a an unsolved puzzle.

But he'd wait for the right moment, wait for the right explanation. He'd wait until it had been too late...

I awoke with a backache which was not at least a bit unusual. The only difference had been that I hadn't slept with my legs tied but with my legs spread, well as for my back it hadn't made any difference. I had been forced to sleep on it, for whatever reasons.

I raised my head and turned my face aside slowly. Koschei's had rested on my cushion and he breathed down my neck; and a bit on my face.

My head sank back into the pillow.

My legs hurt. And they were cold. But I figured that I wouldn't be able to free myself from the rope.

I was forced to wait until Koschei would wake up.

I sighed and snatched the blanket away from him, covering my freezing legs with it.

I knew that Koschei enjoyed it.

He'd probably even enjoy it in his sleep.

I was forced to wait for him. I depended on him. I depended on his decision to let me go.

He'd always wanted this. He'd always wanted to gain control over me.

Total control.

For whatever reasons.

I didn't understand what Koschei got out of it.  
>Besides knowing that I was freezing and that my legs had to hurt by now.<p>

I sighed again. I wasn't going to wait for him to wake up.

I poked him in the ribs. Koschei mumbled something I couldn't quite understand; I imagined it to be a bunch of maledictions, fused together in one word, due to the fact that he'd still been asleep.

"Koschei" I tried to shake him up.

A narrowed pupil focused on my face. I hadn't even been able to witness how his eye had opened.

"What?" Koschei hissed and raised his head.  
>He looked at me mad, as always. Only that he was tired now, too.<p>

I swallowed and looked down at my feet.

"Would you be so kind as to untie the knots around my ankles?" I asked, pulling myself together.  
>My voice died away slowly. There was something about Koschei that made me feel... insecure, which was odd because usually Koschei had been a synonym for security for me.<p>

The pupil, which belonged to a clearly mad eye, widened and moved a bit.

Koschei sat up and nodded, reaching for the rope at the foot of the bed.

"But I guess you would be a lot more useful this way" he growled.

"How could I be of any use if I'd remain in this position?" I asked and stretched my legs after they'd been freed.

Koschei smiled. He smiled viciously.

And it frightened the life out of me.

Without thinking too much I snatched the pillow from my bed and threw it at Koschei's face.

I don't know what I had been thinking back then.

But it scared me. And all I wanted was this mad smirk to disappear.  
>Koschei picked up the cushion after it had hit his face. He was still smiling; there was no use in using physical violence against Koschei.<p>

He hardly seemed to notice it. And he never cared about it.

I remembered my mother hitting him with a book over the head once. Koschei pretended as if nothing had happened. Though he had given my mother a death glare; but that wasn't something unusual for Koschei.

He had simply denied the fact that someone had tried to chasten him.

I experienced it myself like this:

If someone gives you the strap you either try to avoid similar situations because you haven't understood why you had been punished; therefore you're frightened; Or you're try to be on your best behaviour afterwards because you know that you've done something wrong; therefore you're feeling ashamed.

It'd never worked on Koschei t because he was neither embarrassed nor frightened.

Ever.

He was just mad.

He saw the world through mad eyes; he was concerned about everything around him but had a wrecked and twisted mind, thus forbidding him to get a grip on reality. Or even catch a glimpse of it one day...

Koschei arose and pulled me out of my bed and with him.

"You would be a lot more useful if you stayed in bed" Koschei went on. He must have forgotten about me hitting him with a pillow; or he simply didn't care about it at all.  
>"Not only for me I guess" he went on after I've given him nothing but a blank stare and had refused to get dragged out into the corridor.<p>

"Are you done?" I asked as politely as possible and folded my arms. Koschei popped his head to one side. "Look, Koschei" I tried to explain "I don't know what you're talking about. And I'm getting the feeling that I don't even want to know."

Koschei smiled and shrugged.

"I mean, there's no sense in asking you, what you're meaning by that" I went on "You know that I'd never ask you because you couldn't explain it. And even if you were able to get your twisted thoughts out of your twisted mind it wouldn't make any difference because I wouldn't understand them nonetheless!"

I took a step backwards and gasped; I had pressed my hand against my lips.  
>I've never had a problem holding my tongue. I'd never spoken what I'd thought. Till now.<p>

I had insulted Koschei.

And I didn't even know why.

And I couldn't even imagine what he was going to do to me now.

But Koschei did nothing.

He just stood there and adjusted his neck; he seemed as tensed up as I was.

Tensed up. That must have been it. I was only braced and therefore a bit on edge.

I wasn't aggressive towards Koschei.

I wouldn't have known why.

I was too ignorant to realize that there had been innumerable reasons for hating him...

"It's up to you" Koschei replied after a moment of silence "it's like you want it to be."

I rolled my eyes and sighed. It was of no use to talk to Koschei; not when he wasn't master over his mental faculties. But he'd never be in control of his senses, I assumed.

My eyes focused on the door.

"It's alright for me if you want to leave. But I don't understand why you want me to be beside you all the time. And I think you've got a room on your own."

"Couldn't think of any witty remarks, couldn't you?" asked Koschei and sighed.  
>I didn't reply. He knew how I felt. He knew what I felt; he knew what I thought. There was no sense in trying to hide anything from Koschei.<p>

"Just leave me alone, if you please..." I mumbled and intensified the grip on my own elbows.

"You know, Theta" Koschei chuckled "that's your biggest weakness. You try to understand things. You want to understand things instead of letting them be what they are. And your biggest weakness is your weak spot. Therefore your mind's your weak spot."

"Yeah, well, you know, I don't think you're in a position to talk about other people's minds" I snapped.

"But you think you are?" asked Koschei bluntly. I stared at my feet.

He was driving me mad.

"Who granted you the privilege to grant other's with distain?" asked Koschei "What makes you think that _you're_ in a position to talk?"

I stood there, right in front of him and stared at him furiously.

And I didn't think.

I guess for the first time in my life I didn't think before doing something.

I flung the door open and pushed Koschei out of my room before slamming the door into his face.

I would have yelled at him through the closed door, but I couldn't think of anything to say to him.

I couldn't think of anything at all.

I locked the door and started crying, smashing my knuckles against the door several times while weeping and sobbing. I collapsed onto the floor and leaned my head against the door.

I could feel Koschei's presence on the other side.

I knew that he was still there.

And he must have been as irritated as I was.


	20. Chapter 20

I had dared to lock my room, although I knew that Ms. Reprics had threatened to break my spine the next time I'd do so.

But I was convinced that being with Koschei right now was much worse.

I wanted to be alone. I needed to be alone.

I felt like dying; I felt hollow.

I was hurt. I was deeply hurt.

Somehow Koschei had managed to hurt me more than ever before.

And maybe it was because I was shocked of how he'd treated me the night before. Of how he'd had me at his disposal.

He'd decided on me.

He'd made the decisions for me; he'd decided that it was best for me to keep my legs spread and let him come between them whenever he felt like doing so.

I sobbed and crawled under my bed.

I felt hurt. I felt deeply ashamed.

But I didn't know why. I just didn't know why and I knew that I didn't want to know.  
>I didn't want to know what he'd done to me, how he'd embarrassed, defiled, dishonoured or abused me.<p>

I just felt so ashamed of myself.

And I knew that Koschei enjoyed misusing and taking advantage of me because he knew that I was too innocent to even understand what he did to me.

He was delighted knowing that I wouldn't ask, knowing that I wouldn't struggle against him and we both knew that it was only a matter of time until I would resign myself.

But it felt wrong nonetheless.

It felt wrong and shameful.

Somehow I knew that he'd devaluated and debased me...

Innocence was purity and ignorance.

Experience was impurity and knowledge.

But the very reverse of innocence was knowledge.

And being innocent meant being inferior to Koschei's knowledge.

It was always about control. With Koschei it was always about control.

He'd been there for me, all these years.

He'd protected me at any time.

He'd had control over me.

Koschei had protected me and I had allowed him to guard and patronize me.

Koschei had struggled for control from the very beginning. He'd wanted it so badly that I doubt that he wouldn't have known what to do it if he'd achieved actual control over me.

But back then I'd thought that he'd won; and that I'd lost myself.

I found comfort in searching through Dr. Neakahla's book of collected wisdom. Koschei hadn't been able to change me, I'd reassured myself, and I read the book with the same open-minded and intrigued eyes.

Ms. Reprics had wanted to suit the word to the action and actually break my spine, but she hadn't been allowed to do so, which was, she felt, a pity.

Nobody would amount to anything unless they'd know the advantages of being corporally punished, she used to say.

Ms. Reprics age was a mystery, but due to the records it was known that she'd been working in the academy for at least 970 years. She belonged there. She lived there. And every new Headmaster would inherit her, for some reason. She was some kind of primeval exponent from a previous century; furthermore she was an ancient relic, living in a world she didn't belong to anymore, she wouldn't know what to do with the world and neither did the world know what to do with her.

For some reason no one had ever dared to make her redundant; though Ms Reprics seemed as useful to the academy as the old trees on the outside facilities, which no one dared to touch because they might fall on top of them.

And yet she was worse than the trees.

The trees died away slowly – but they died. And somehow Ms. Reprics didn't even think of dying away.

Persistent rumours indicated that Ms. Reprics had been on the academy since its foundation.

Seriously, I doubt that; but you never know.

Ms. Reprics had already been working in the academy when the first general educational methods had been established. And since then she was unwilling to budge from her position, I guess.

She'd ignored several new and adapted education systems and standards.

Her opinion on giving someone the strap had never changed.

That's the trouble with being a Time Lord. You grow older. But that doesn't mean that you'll change all your life. You don't change at all, if you don't want to. Sometimes you just stand there where you always stood and watch the world pass by and change over the centuries.

I guess this wouldn't be an alternative for me. I never could stand still.

Always running.

But in the end it didn't matter. Some tried to evolve; others wouldn't change.

And both of them thought that they were right.

Ms. Reprics was convinced that she'd been right. And if she'd managed to live centuries believing that, why should it change all of a sudden?

But, deep down, I envied her. She had managed to live throughout centuries and had remained stubborn and steady while everything was changing and in process. And I was not even eighteen and felt like dying already.

I don't know if it would have been wrong to say that I'd envied her. I didn't like Ms. Reprics. I mean I was scared of her, like everybody else. And I'd always watch out for her cane.  
>Her days had been the days of corporal punishment, and still she was worse; she was the one who'd invented psychological torture supplementary to physical torture.<p>

And she was an expert on both of them.

But back then I was lucky that I hadn't experienced it myself.

But everything at the proper time, I guess.

I had tried to keep Koschei away from my room. I had locked my room as often as I'd left it. And I didn't care if he groped around in his belongings in my room as long as I wasn't forced to see him. But the window was a problem, though... I didn't know what to do to prevent him from entering by window.

I didn't want to see him.

He'd scared me. And I felt too weak to face him again.

I wanted him to keep away from me.

I wanted to be alone.  
>To me loneliness was privateness. And I was in dire need for a moment of tranquillity; I needed a place to embrace my solitude.<br>Back home I'd had my room. Here it seemed as if nothing could be safe from Koschei, not even I.

Koschei had left the rope in my room. And throughout the next nights I didn't even dare to touch it, due to the things he'd done with it.  
>He'd tied me down; he'd tried to hold me captive and truss me up. Koschei had tried to re-educate me.<br>That I'd always spread my legs for him... That I'd always stay quiet and bow to the inevitable...

But I hadn't slept. I hadn't found rest due to the fact that my legs weren't tied and because I feared he'd enter by window during the nights.  
>After a night or two I figured that it was more important to lock yourself up than to learn how to sleep with untied legs. And I managed to tie the rope around the window catch in way that I was sure that no one would be able to get it open, especially not from the outside.<p>

And I tried to sleep during the nights.

And I tried not to think during the days.

And at any time I tried not to cry.

I felt as I'd been incomplete. Or if someone had managed to tear me apart.

I hated Koschei.

I hated him for hurting me.

I hated him for taking advantage of me.

I hated him for frightening me.

I hated him for abusing me even when I didn't even know wherefore he'd misused me.

And most of all...

...I hated myself for missing him.

I'd always thought that it would be hard to run with tied legs.

But in the end it didn't matter, anyway.

You can run but you can't hide.

At least not from Koschei.


	21. Chapter 21

Koschei was in my room the next time I'd enter it. I didn't even know how he'd managed to get into it. My room had been locked from the outside. And the window was still sealed.

My hearts had dropped as soon as I'd caught a glimpse of him. Koschei rearranged a pile of books and didn't seem to take notice of me.

I didn't know how he'd gotten into my room and I had nearly closed the door again silently when I heard him saying: "Ms Reprics's been looking for you."

I pushed the door open again and stared at him icily, leaning against the door frame.

"Well, not in fact you... I guess she's been looking for your spine, to be specific. Or your backbone... which was it?" he mumbled while pulling a book from the centre of a pile and watching it collapsing.

"And instead of torturing me myself she's sent you" I assumed.

Koschei looked up. "Me?" he asked disbelievingly "Why should she send me? She'd assume that it'd be fun for me to invade your privacy and then she wouldn't let me have it, I guess. By the way, if you don't want her to find you you'd better close the door in the near future. You know. You never know who's listening."

He smiled at me.

I gave it a quick thought and entered the room with folded arms, smashing the door shut with my back while collapsing against it.

"Then who let you in?" I asked coldly.

"Oh, nobody let me in. I guess I just let myself in." I cocked an eyebrow and snorted. "While no one watched" added Koschei shortly afterwards "You know. Because he was too busy readjusting the rope to the window so no one would be able to enter his room ever again. I simply came through the open door and stayed under your bed."

"For the past day" I completed.

Koschei shrugged. "I guess. Did anybody ask for me? Did Ms. Reprics miss me?" He chuckled while searching through the books on the floor.

"She wouldn't ask me for you" I replied in a low voice "and she'd hoped that you'd left for good."

Koschei shrugged. "When all of your wishes are granted many of your dreams will be of no use."

I sank onto the floor and leaned my back against the door of my room.

"You got that wrong" I corrected Koschei "We read that in a book together. It was by some kind of human reverend. "When all of your wishes are granted many of your dreams will be destroyed""

Koschei shook his head "Not for me, it isn't."

"For you it's always different, isn't it?" I mumbled and gritted my teeth.

Koschei turned his head and focused on me again.

I stared at my feet and pressed my bent legs together.

"I don't want you in my room" I stated icily to break the current silence. It didn't seem as if the room had become quiet. The silence was loud; my ears were buzzing. The blood pumped by two strong hearts had rushed into my head.

As soon as Koschei had realized that I wasn't going to keep on talking he lost interest in me and turned to his books once more.

I sighed.

"Look, why can't you just leave my room? You know, just leave me alone by going to your own room and rifle through the chaos that's been established there?"

"What makes you think that my room's dominated by chaos?" asked Koschei whilst tearing one big book into two small half ones.

"Everything around you _is_ chaos. Everything you touch is doomed to descend into chaos."

"Just like your life" replied Koschei callously.

I didn't reply and closed my eyes.

"Theta, let's not talk about it" Koschei went on "that's good advice and that's all. And I don't know why you want to talk to me anyway. You don't _need_ to talk – I _know_ what you're thinking."

I rolled my head back into the nape of my neck and stared at the ceiling.

I wasn't ready to face Koschei.

I was no match for him and probably won't ever be.

"I've always known what you were thinking" explained Koschei while he crawled towards me over the sheet covered floor "We never had to speak when we were children. We just sat side by side and stared into the sky. And I could search through your mind, I could read anything that moved you; I knew your innermost thoughts. I knew _you_, Theta." He chuckled and pressed his forehead against mine. "And that never changed."

"I could never read your thoughts" I replied bluntly and pressed my folded arms against my chest, looking Koschei deeply in the eye "I never know what you're thinking."

"Otherwise you'd have become mad, I assume" smirked Koschei and rubbed his cheeks against mine.

The scent. The scent mark of danger.

I breathed in deeply. Childhood and danger, that's what he'd always smelled of.

Childhood and danger.

I pressed my hands against his temples and looked in his mad eyes, our faces touched forehead on forehead, nose on nose.

Koschei wouldn't stop smiling.

I searched his gaze.

"Why?" I asked.

Koschei didn't reply.

"Why?" I repeated "Why are you doing this to me? Why do you keep tormenting me; why can't you stop harassing me, why Koschei, why?"

My voice died away as I gasped and breathed in deeply.

Our warm breaths melded into one, moistening both of our skins.

I hissed through my teeth: "Just tell me, Koschei: Why do you keep doing this? Why can't you stop? Why can't you leave me alone?"

"I swore to you that I'd never leave your side" whispered Koschei and moved his lips towards my ears; he breathed down my neck.

"It's more of a curse than of a promise" I replied with gritted teeth.

"Same thing to me" explained Koschei bluntly before adding on a more serious note "But you know it Theta. I promised you. I'll never leave you. I'll always be there for you; I'm yours."

"You're mine" I replied unbelievingly "My what? You're my what?"

"Whatever you want me to be" replied Koschei "I can be everything to you."

I pulled my face away and rested my head on the door behind me.

"Don't you remember it, Theta?" Koschei grew closer again "It's always been this way. I was everything to you. You couldn't decide if it was better that I was like a brother or a best friend to you; either way you wanted me to be with you. Forever."

"That Koschei's gone" I snapped. Koschei had winked and I flinched instantly. But that was all.  
>He'd winked and nothing more.<p>

"That Koschei's still there, right on front of you" replied Koschei smiling "And he hasn't changed over the years. He's still the same, after all that's happened. It's not different in any way. I still think about you, like you were before you'd started to grow up, before you'd started to come of age and stopped letting yourself get pushed around by your parents..."

* * *

><p><em><strong>Hope you enjoyed it. Oh, by the way: there was a reference to one of my favourite musicians (well, he WAS one of my favourite musicians when I was a child) on that chapter. Got something to do with what Koschei got wrong in one of the books. I was just curious if anybody noticed it...<br>**_

_**And thanks to everyone who favourited/followed or reviewed. This sure makes my day ^^**_


	22. Chapter 22

Koschei gave me an inquisitive look. "But I could be wrong, who knows? Maybe you haven't stopped letting yourself get pushed around... Or lettings yourself get pushed by me."

Koschei smirked; I turned my head aside and gasped quietly.

His words... hurt. I couldn't locate the spot where exactly they hurt. But they felt disgusting.

Pushing... pushing in and out... He was always pushing in and out... That night... he had kept pushing me until I had counted to...

I blushed and stared at my feet.

"They never pushed me around" I snapped downplaying my embarrassment "They simply tried to help me. And there's nothing wrong with taking good advice and doing something for those you love; you don't have to be a disgrace on purpose, not always, you know."

Koschei smiled, but while his smile hadn't changed the expression on his face had altered. His eyes were gleaming. "I'm not a disgrace on purpose" he replied mildly and started licking my cheeks "I just am. I am a disgrace. Is that what you want to hear? I'll say it again Theta, just for you: I am a disgrace."

I turned me head aside, unwilling to face him again. Koschei wrapped his hands around my neck and forced me to look him in the eye again.

"Happy?" asked Koschei and popped his head to one side again. I rested my hands in my lap and looked down.

"I didn't ask you to say it" I mumbled "And I wasn't talking about you."

"Yes, you were" replied Koschei spitefully.

"So why even bothering asking me questions if you know what I'm thinking?" I sighed.

"I asked you if you were happy" replied Koschei "I wanted to know why you can't be happy with the way it is."

"Didn't you tell me that I should try to figure out what things meant to me instead of trying to understand them?" I asked all of a sudden. Koschei furrowed his brows. Then he shook his head, as if something had bitten him on the back of his head. Then he tried to straighten up again.

"I guess I have" he mumbled "But I never would have guessed that you'd stop trying to understand me and instead start working on what I meant to you."

"You make it sound as if you meant something to me" I answered and pressed my hands against my lips instantly.

I'd said what I thought. Again. It just wouldn't stop.

Somehow if Koschei was near I'd change... I wouldn't behave.

I pulled myself together again and tried to think of an excuse.

But Koschei spoke first: "That's what I was talking about, Theta. I'm not something to you. I'm something beside you, around you, lingering in the dark and always waiting for you to come past. I'm just there. Around you. And that will never change."

I nodded. Koschei placed his head on my lap and buried his face in my clothes. I felt his warm breath on my lower abdomen and stroked his hair carefully.

He was a child. He was still that child I'd known. He was the brother I'd needed and the friend I'd never had.

And it would never change.

It would stay like this forever.

Koschei lay before me with stretched legs, the back of his head still resting in my lap.

"You told me that we should stay like this forever" I mumbled absent-mindedly and caressed his cheeks "that we shouldn't change."

"No" mumbled Koschei and looked up to me; I met his affectionate gaze "I said we _must not_ change."

"That's the same thing to me" I chuckled. Koschei grasped my hands and held them tightly.

"Theta we've managed to stay like we were so far. Promise me that you won't change now." I nodded half heartedly. "Promise me!" he insisted and moved his hands towards my face, touching my cheeks with both his hand and my own hands. I nodded again and sighed. "I promise" I mumbled.

Koschei smiled and snuggled his head against my thighs while caressing them.

My thighs must have had something about them that seemed to fascinate him.

He loved to touch my legs, though he preferred touching them when I was naked.

He loved to feel my warm skin, he loved to run his fingers over it and bury his face between my thighs.

"What it is with you and my legs?" I asked after Koschei had tried to free me from my garment. I pressed his head down in my lap again and stroked his chest.

"I like your soft skin" replied Koschei and let his hands slip into of my clothes, stroking my skin carefully "We used to touch each other when we were children, don't you remember?"

I leaned my head against the door and breathed in deeply.

Something sounded wrong. Something about it sounded terribly wrong.

But I didn't know what it was. I couldn't name it.

But it felt wrong nonetheless.

"Theta?" Koschei cocked and eyebrow and gave me a blank stare.

I just shook my head and tried to concentrate again. "You're tense, again" mumbled Koschei and rubbed his cheeks against my legs "Try to relax."

"That's easy for you to say" I replied in a quiet voice "you don't have someone beside you who can't think of anything else apart from getting between your legs."

I dug my fingernails into my thighs and gasped.

I couldn't hold back. I simply wasn't myself. I never would have talked like that...

Koschei reached for my hands and held them with care. "You're hurting yourself, Theta" he explained and increased his grip on my palms "And I told you; I don't like that. And by the way: I'm not beside you. I'm with you. Always with you."

I sighed and placed my hands on Koschei's temples; I adjusted his head between my legs to stop him from snuggling against my thighs again. "I know" I mumbled. "You know that I'll never leave you" Koschei smirked. "And I know that I won't get rid of you as well" I grumbled and folded my arms.

Koschei ran his fingers over my legs and moved his hands between the inside of my upper thighs, while rolling his head aside. I grasped his hands and looked him deeply in the eye.

"You haven't answered my question" I stated and Koschei sat up stretching "Why do you keep touching me there? Why do you keep touching my legs?"

"What's the big deal?" asked Koschei without understanding "I tend to touch your hands and your face; usually I'm touching your whole body. I even snuggle up to you during the nights. Why do you care if I touch your legs? Answer me, Theta, answer me the same question I'd asked you before: What's so special about your legs?"

He had told me, I remembered. Right before he had...

"I don't know what's so special about them to you" I replied without giving it much thought. I didn't want to think about the scenes which rerun in my mind.

"They're not special to me" explained Koschei "but they must mean a lot to you. Or someone who means a lot to you is fond of your legs..." Koschei slipped his hands between my thighs and I closed my legs as a knee jerk reaction, clamping his fingers between them. Koschei smirked. "Pretty tight" he smiled "you've got strong thighs."

Koschei's hand trapped between my legs felt unpleasant and scared me.

I wanted to release his hand but wasn't able to move; I had a leg cramp and besides I knew that Koschei was going to move his hand towards my crotch again if I would make the mistake of spreading my legs.

Koschei popped his head to one side again. "Are you ticklish?" he asked in his childish naivety and started moving his fingers before I could even protest. I curled up and lay down onto the floor, pressing my legs more firmly together in order to keep him from tickling me.

But Koschei had stronger hands than I'd suspected and wouldn't stop until I was rolling around on the floor sniggering.

Eventually he freed his hand from my thighs and lay down beside me. He looked me deeply in the eye while I tried to calm down again.

"But I mean it, Theta" Koschei came closer and pressed one hand against my chest while he leaned over me, eyeing me up carefully "Someone must have been really attracted to your legs. Someone must have kept talking about your legs all the time." He gave his own words a quick thought and shrugged. "Yet I never heard anyone saying anything to you. But I guess I knew him..."

"Stop it Koschei, that's enough" I tried to sit up, but Koschei wouldn't remove his hand.

"Who was it?" he asked.

I didn't reply.

"You can tell me, Theta. Who had a fixation about your legs?"

"Stop it" I repeated more firmly than the first time.

"Must have been a long time since then" Koschei went on, thinking aloud "someone who grew closer to you over the years; someone who was dear to you."

"I said stop it!" I replied angrily and sat up while throwing his hand aside.

"There was something about your legs" mumbled Koschei "Or something with your legs. Someone thought them to be special. Or at least very important to themselves..."

* * *

><p><em><strong>as always: thank your for the comments. I'm always excited to read them!<strong>_


	23. Chapter 23

Koschei's words got stuck in my head for some reason.

My legs had been important. Especially to my father; Koschei was right about that and yet he didn't even know. But how? How did he figure it out?

I had caught a glimpse of Koschei who was by now resting on my bed out of the corner of my eyes. I stood by the window and watched the bald trees turning fiery red in the fading light of the dusk.

It was a strange feeling thinking about your own legs all the time.

But I definitely couldn't get my head around it.

Maybe it had something to do with my inner urge to run from everything. If my father had wanted to stop me from running...

I sighed.

I just wouldn't understand it.

"Your father didn't mind" mumbled Koschei in my bed and sat up "He knew that it was alright this way."

I raised my eyebrows and gave him an irritated look.

"He knew you'd be running, always running. From everything" Koschei went on and faced me, adding with a smile on his face "Everything apart from me."

"What are you talking about?" I mumbled barely audible and turned my head aside.

As if he knew what I was thinking. As if he was somewhere inside of my head, reading my thoughts and probably tearing them apart like the books in my room...

"I _know _what you're thinking" stated Koschei baldly. I searched the skies wistfully.

"The stars will rise even for you, Theta; try to be patient" added Koschei with a smirk and arose from the bed. He must have been standing right behind me. I could feel his closeness. He was coming closer. Always coming closer...

I hissed and tried to get rid of the bad thoughts, which had awoken again, by shaking my head. Koschei sighed behind me, his hot breath moistening my neck.

He touched my hands from behind and I flinched.

"It's easier to find a way into a mind as long as the life form it belongs to is still in its early years" whispered Koschei, grabbing me by the wrists and pulling my arms backwards.

"So you've gained access to my mind" I mumbled while my eyes were still searching for the stars.

Koschei took a step forward and intensified his grip. I gasped and closed my eyes.

Danger and childhood memories.

Koschei smelled of fear and despair. And yet it was soothing to sense his presence.

"You let yourself get infiltrated" explained Koschei; I moved towards the window with Koschei who guided my steps by pushing my feet forward "You invited me."

I had to chuckle. "I never invited you in" I replied "But I sure invited you out."

"You invited me by not stopping me from entering" added Koschei "You were smart. You were very intelligent as a child. You felt me invading your thoughts, you sensed my presence closer than ever before; and yet you did nothing. You wouldn't stop me. You wouldn't keep me from being inside your head. And that's what I've always been since we had started to grow up: inside of you, Theta."

I felt my closed eyes twitching.

Koschei's words sounded disgusting. His childish naivety had something unrestrained and self-indulgent about it.

Koschei's mad child's mind was trapped in the well built body of a young adult. And yet he seemed to be as far away from adulthood as he was from inner peace.

"And somehow it unnerves you" added Koschei a bit quieter; his chest was pressed against my back, his heart's rhythms were increasing. "I couldn't say that you haven't changed, Theta... though I'd prefer the term "evolve". Change means alteration. Evolving means unfolding and unfurling. I'd say you're growing, Theta." I felt his piercing glare on my backside. He sniggered. "Only on the inside, of course. I don't think you're still growing physically." I shrugged; Koschei rested his head on my shoulder, pressing his temple against mine.

"I can't read all of your thoughts" sighed Koschei "and by the way that's what I meant by evolving. If you'd changed you wouldn't have manage to stay like you were. Therefore you've evolved to stay who you are. You grant that?"

"As long as you're not fiddling with my thoughts it's alright for me that you stay in my mind" I mumbled and nudged Koschei's face with mine. I could feel him smiling skin on skin.

"Some thoughts are unreadable to me" Koschei went on and ignored my comment "some are incomprehensible. I just don't understand them. But maybe that's what I'm lacking: understanding. I know you, Theta; I don't know anything like I know you."

"Anybody" I snapped.

Koschei had skipped my second remark as well "But I never managed to understand you. I can get my head into yours, but it seems that I can't get my head around yours. Some thoughts are a mystery to me. But you know: I've never tried to understand things."

"Yes Koschei, you did" I contradicted him "Some things had to be understood; you had to spot weaknesses or locate the softness of certain things before you could destroy them." "You can destroy anything without understanding" replied Koschei.  
>"But it's the high art of destroying things properly that requires knowledge and understanding" he added after giving it some thought. "So, are we going?"<p>

"Where should we be going?" I asked.

"Onto the roof" replied Koschei and tried to push me on the windowsill while I opened my eyes.

"We're not allowed to leave our rooms" I said hurriedly and tried to free myself from Koschei's grip "Which means that you should be in your room, actually."

"No, we're not allowed to leave our rooms; that's what they've told us" replied Koschei and managed to fixate me with my hands pressed on my back "but in that case it's alright if I stay here if it is our room." "But it isn't" I hissed and struggled to free my arms.

Koschei sighed; he became more and more impatient when I offered resistance. Eventually he pushed me off the windowsill and climbed out of my window.

"See you up there" he'd shouted after he'd vanished "Just take your time."

I followed Koschei uneasily and with caution.

I knew t hat he wasn't worried about falling off the roof; partially because he was looking for excitement; most of all because he was mad.

I reached the even spot beside the chimney and leaned against it while taking a deep breath. Then I looked around for Koschei.

"You're not scared of falling off, are you?"

Out of the corner of my eyes I saw Koschei sitting near the eaves gutter.

"You're not because you're mad!" I yelled at him and bended my knees.

"I really think you should join me here" answered Koschei and turned around; he reached for my hand and tried to pull me with him. I struggled against him but lastly Koschei overpowered me and dragged me with him, moving slowly towards the edge of the roof.

"Don't you want to know what it's like to feel absolutely no ground under your feet?" he asked.

"You can't run when you're feet aren't touching the ground" I replied bluntly and closed my eyes.

Or when you're legs are up in the air...

I hissed and clenched my fists.

Those bloody words had been drummed into my head. My father's goddamn words! And now they'd started to change.

No more "Close your legs."

It was useless nonetheless; I had already disobeyed and let down my father by letting my legs get separated by Koschei and letting him come between them.

But the words of my father kept changing; it seemed as if they got mixed up in my head, confusing themselves with the prophetic words.

Thy legs shall not be closed.

Over and over again.

Thy legs shall not be closed.

As if someone tried to break my spirit by turning my head inside out.

Or if I was going mad. Like Koschei.

I turned my head towards him and eyed him up mindfully.

As if he had managed to change my father's words...


	24. Chapter 24

Koschei let me sit on the edge on the roof beside him and caressed my back. I clanged to his arm.

"I won't let anything happen to you" Koschei smiled and kissed my forehead.

Except for yourself, I thought to myself.

I bristled with anger. What was wrong?

"Koschei, I don't like it here" I mumbled, still unwillingly to open my eyes.

"You should aim to loosen up" replied Koschei and snuggled up against me. "I don't think I need to" I mumbled "_You're_ already aiming to loosen me up."

Or tying me down...

I sighed and opened my eyes. I was annoyed by myself. Those bad thoughts kept returning and rerunning. And I kept thinking about those spiteful remarks...

"Theta, your thinking too much" said Koschei beside me bluntly. I turned my head towards him and tried not to stare down at the ground, the far beneath ground.

"I don't understand why you're thinking and what you can be thinking about all the time" Koschei went on "and besides, it's bugging me. Your mind is really hard to read when you keep having those spontaneous chains of associations."

"I've got so much on my mind" I mumbled, focussing on the sky again.

"You're not the only one" added Koschei in a low voice. He leaned back a bit and slipped nearer to the edge of the eaves gutter. I watched him nervously.

The darkness spread out and enclosed us slowly.

While the stars started to brighten up the only thing that shone in the dark were Koschei's glistening amber-coloured eyes.

"Your favourite solar system had been the one that'd formed the Truncated Octahedron constellation" mumbled Koschei quietly. I nodded.

"Pity you missed its collapsing" added Koschei a bit more encouraged "It was really colourful."

"I wish I'd seen it" I sighed and searched the sky for the stars that'd been gone while I hadn't been observing "I really wish I'd seen it."

"It meant a lot to you" explained Koschei and lay an arm around my shoulders "Although: I don't know how a solar system can mean anything to you."

"It was far away" I replied and swallowed the dry knot in my throat "it was beautiful."

"Things are dear to you because they're beautiful?" asked Koschei unbelievingly.

"No" I interrupted him" Because I'd always wanted to go there. To see what it actually looks like; to see it with my own eyes, to stand on its planets with my own feet; but I can't." I shifted and thereby removed his hand from my shoulder. I folded my arms.

"It's gone" I finalised and breathed out deeply.

"You shouldn't bother" replied Koschei "it had been inhabited by primitive creatures only."

"Why should I care about it?" I asked without understanding "So what? It's their planet. They just live there." I corrected myself by adding "l_ived_ there".

"I told you, Theta: It's not important what things are. It's important what you're going to do with them."

"And you wouldn't know what to do with them?" I asked unnerved.

Koschei smiled. "Of course I would" he replied grinning "but I guess you wouldn't approve."

Children are cruel, I reminded myself of that again. Children are always cruel. In their childish naivety and innocence they want to discover how things can be damaged beyond repair; everything that lives has to be stopped from living just because you can't imagine why and how "being alive" works. Children like stuffed animals because they're beautiful yet immobile. And they remind them of dead animals, but unlike them their aloud to drag stuffed animals around as a toy.

Everything alive is a toy. And every toy has to be broken in order to find out how it works.

At least it was this way with the children on Gallifrey.

But I guess children are the same, throughout the universe, no matter whom or what they descend from.

Children are cruel; Innocent and cruel.

Koschei shook his head. "You were never cruel."

I gasped, but remembered his ability shortly afterwards; eventually I shook my head as well.

"Maybe that's why we worked together so well" I pointed out, staring at the gleaming stars "I was innocent and you were cruel. That's the way it goes."

Koschei nodded. "We are children. I'm cruel. And you're innocent."

I sighed and was close to giving Koschei a push.

"Please stop calling me that" I begged and added in a lower voice "It brings back bloody memories."

"Why?" he asked "Hasn't your father stopped calling you that by now?"

He chuckled. I grasped his shoulders and shook him, more brutal than necessary I expect.

"Stop talking about my father!" I yelled at him.

Koschei stared at me in surprise. I let go off him and sighed, while turning around and slipping away from him. "You're making me mad" I hissed and descended down in order to get back to my room before it was getting too chilly.

I shivered.

_Cold... it was getting cold again._

_"__Doctor you're covered in sweat. Please Doctor, wake up! You need help."_

_The Doctor managed to open his eyes slowly and saw a dark figure against the bright light above it. "So... cold" he mumbled barely audible. "You're freezing Doctor" sighed the well-known voice "please, let me help you."_

_The Doctor squinted but he couldn't see its face, he couldn't see the silhouettes face._

_"__Rose? You're not Rose, are you? No, you can't be... she's gone and... But you sound like... Martha? Is that you? Are you Martha? But I thought she was..." The Doctor closed his eyes again and felt the world turning upside down. "You're dehydrated" explained the voice firmly and pressed a cup against the Doctor's lips. He wouldn't open his mouth. "...and still you're refusing to take a sip." "I can't drink" hissed the Doctor "I can't swallow." There was a sigh beside his ear and he felt a hand stroking his cheeks fondly. "Doctor, you have me really worried" whispered the voice. The rarely visible figure had squatted down beside him. He felt their stare._

_"__Who are you?" whimpered the Doctor. Tears filled his eyes again, but they seemed to evaporate as soon as they'd touch his burning skin._

_"__You've screwed up two clinical thermometers already" whispered the voice beside his ear. The Doctor tried to turn his head; but he'd had to realize that he was too weak to move._

_"__Donna?" he asked dizzy "Selahkeana?". The sounds kept changing and the room would twist and rotate every moment, changing the interior every time the Doctor blinked._

_The Tardis was revolting against something. As if it tried to shake something off..._

_The Doctor's eyes closed shut and he lay there in the bed, stiff and lifeless while his inside burnt up and must have deflagrate to ashes any minute now._

_The porcelain cup had been pressed against his lips again._

_"__Please Doctor... you have to drink!"_

_"__I can't" the Doctor's voice was a mere and distant whisper. His mind turned upside down and inside out and would have turned other directions as well, if it had known them._

_Something was flaming up and tried to devour him alive from the inside._

_"_I hate tea_" he mouthed while he was pulled into an upright position._

_"__I'm sorry, but there's nothing but tea within your Tardis" explained the well-known voice and tried to comfort him: "Just one sip. You'll be back to sleep any minute. Just take one sip." It added, a bit more desperate than before "Please Doctor! I don't know how else I could help you. And you're getting weaker..."_

_"__You can't kill me" whispered the Doctor and managed to turn his head aside, which side it ever may have been "I'm already dead."_

_The Doctor's jaws got forced open and the disgusting liquid got flushed down his throat. He tried to cough and struggled for air._

I shouldn't struggle. I was powerless against him or her, whoever it may have been. You have to accept things that you can't fight.

_"__No" moaned the Doctor quietly and shook his head with great effort "it can't be... you... you're..."_

Dead?

_The Doctor's eyes widened and he gasped for air._

_Two hands grabbed his cheeks and pulled his face up; he stared into the light._

_"__Doctor?"_

That's not my name.

_The Doctor coughed and shook his head. "Get out" he whispered weary, tears running down his cheeks._

Don't be so rude.

_"__Doctor?!"_


	25. Chapter 25

_**a bit short (I know!) but tomorrow's gonna be longer and definitely enthralling, I promise!**_

* * *

><p>As a parent my father was terrible.<p>

As a father he was worse.

Though I'd always imagined how a terrible father had to behave, or what he looked like.

He was supposed to be an alcoholic, I had assumed, beating up his wife and children, would have been unemployed or held a job he'd hate, he'd be rundown, sleazy and plebeian.

All in all a horrible father, picture-perfect.

My father was terrible because he loved me and he let me know that he loved me.

I found myself hoping that he wouldn't care for me several times. I'd figured it'd have been a lot easier. He wouldn't have tried to control my life. He wouldn't have stopped me from doing something stupid. He never would have cared if I had spent the night out without letting him know.

And most of all: I had never disappointed him. He wouldn't have cared.

Maybe I would have felt better if I my father had told me that he knew that I wouldn't amount to anything. He believed in me. He wanted only the best for me.

O, there's nothing worse in the whole universe than parents who only want the best for you.

But I didn't know how to handle him. And neither did he know how to take care of me.

My father tried to be my protector.

And I felt obliged to make him proud of me.

Blimey, I was stupid. I guess I was even worse than my father.

His wish was my command; I obeyed his every word. I tried not to let him down, I tried to stay away from Koschei, I tried not to cry during the nights my bruised and sore rubbed ankles hurt so bad, I tried to hide it all from my father, the hate, the fear, the uneasiness, the horrible, horrible pain originating from my chafed legs; I tried to hide it all.

I understood tying myself up as locking myself up as well. I kept my legs and my mouth shut. I never would have said a single word about it to my mother; I figured that it was a secret which had to be kept between me and my father.

I didn't even dare to talk to Koschei about it. I didn't dare to explain the injuries all over my ankles, I never told him about the tight rope around my legs that had bruised my skin and cut off my blood circulation during some nights.

And Koschei never asked.

He never asked and just smiled, touching the maltreated regions of my body.

I never would have dared to talk to Koschei.

Either out of fear my father would find out and punish me or out of embarrassment. I didn't know.

I guess it was both.

My father was still convinced that he'd won. He thought he'd succeeded in avoiding the unavoidable. And I had made him believe that by following his instructions.

My father was ignorant. He thought it would be sufficient if I tied my legs together at night; he thought it to be the ultimate protection against my foretold fate; but he never spoke about the "why" or the protection "against whom".

It was a vicious circle, sucking both my father and me deeper and deeper in.  
>The more worried he got the tighter he wrapped the rope around my legs; the more tightly he wrapped the rope the more he hurt me and the more I scratched on the scabs; and the more bruised my skin became the more uneasy I became, which worried my father even more.<p>

And there was no escaping; neither for him nor for me.  
>My father hadn't seen any sense in telling me that I should keep away from Koschei. He figured I'd be even more drawn to his attention if he'd dared to shield me from him. The attraction of what is forbidden is deeply rooted in every child. And children don't like prohibitions they don't understand, even if you can't explain them properly to them because they're lacking bad experiences concerning their coenaesthesia.<p>

In other words: You can't talk to a child about physical abuse, or any other kind of abuse, unless it has experienced it itself.  
>You can't draw abstract conclusion; you don't know what it feels like being touched inappropriately or at least in a way you weren't feeling comfortable about, unless you've felt it yourself.<p>

So what about should have warned me my father?

How should he have protected me?

_The Doctor gritted his teeth and sat up moaning and hissing curses in Gallifreyan.  
>"Doctor?" the silhouette was still beside him and fluffed up his cushion before his head sank onto it again. The Doctor was too exhausted, too weak to put up a fight.<em>

_But that was what he was undergoing right now._

_He was burning from the inside. Well, actually it felt more like his intestines had been filled with lye or highly concentrated acid and started to dissolve the mucous membrane slowly and due to the solvation of the solid elements of the lye this highly exothermic reaction was forced to take place inside of the Doctor, burning him up and vitriolizing him slowly from the inside._

_"__It's got to stop" hissed the Doctor between his gritted teeth and pressed a hand against his chest._

_"__Is there anything I can do for you?" asked the uneasy voice beside him. He shook his head confidently. "The fever will go down soon" the voice tried to appease him._

_"__Soon enough, I hope" he hissed and collapsed back into the bed as soon as the burning pain in his stomach started again._

You can't control me.

_"__That can't be" mumbled the Doctor half to himself "you're gone. You're dead..." he held his breath in order not to scream "... you're dead and gone."_

I'm still here.

_"__You can't be" replied the hallucinating Doctor to the voice inside his head "you're gone."_

I'm rotten. But so are you.

_"__You don't even exist anymore" whispered the Doctor and searched the ceiling absent-mindedly._

Soon you won't either. Go back to sleep...

_"__NO!" the Doctor managed to sit up straight and tensed before he got pushed back into bed by the dark silhouette beside him._

_"__Doctor you need rest. Try to relax" the voice tried to appease him._

_"__I'm not relaxing, I'm dying" hissed the Doctor and felt his eyelids closing as soon as he'd finished speaking..._


	26. Chapter 26

Koschei had loved observing the stars, nearly as much as I did. We'd both been intrigued by the stars, always. I guess they were a symbol for freedom; well, at least they were to me.

I never knew what Koschei thought of things. And it was best not to ask.

Night after night Koschei sneaked out of my room and dragged me behind him. He knew secret passages and he had found a rat run which led into the fallow land that environed the academy.

We could watch the stars together; we could steal away during the nights. Koschei was slightly thrilled by knowing that we could get caught and would definitely be punished for disobeying the house rules, but only slightly; there was no torture anywhere in the universe that would have scared him; I'd always imagined the most horrific atrocity to be him.

I didn't care for breaking the rules as long as I knew that I could watch the stars with Koschei.

It would have been sufficient enough to watch them on my own, I knew. But it was better doing so while being accompanied.

I felt like a child again. After all those years, the frightfully boring days and the terrible nights I felt like a child.

Unobserved, unconcerned and unheeding.

I was ignorant. And I was selfish.

I preferred disobeying my father by not tying my legs together because I gave priority to running around at night and watching the stars.

And I looked at them with different eyes.

I sat beside Koschei in the cool and wet grass, staring at the solar systems and glimmering planets. He laid an arm around my twitching shoulders; I was freezing but wouldn't even waste a though on returning just because of that.

It was too beautiful. The stars were too fascinating and captivating which left me no choice but to stay beside Koschei.

And we talked.

All we did was talking.

Koschei would explain how the solar systems had moved, how the constellations had changed; he'd tell me about solar flares and red giants; he'd tell me how the picture of the Dioacutoouri Miassotoeru Nebula has changed over the past years due to the variable stars.

And I sat beside him and listened, leaning my head against his shoulder.

He was warm. And there was something in his voice that soothed me and gave me comfort.

And it was perfectly alright. After those stressful weeks... one night, one night beside Koschei, with the Koschei I used to know and love and it was all gone. Back to normal; as always.

With Koschei it was always normal. I guess being different meant "normal" to him.

It was just the way he reacted, the way he thought and the way _he_ simply was.

Everything about him was soothing and somehow disturbing at the same time.

But just like you're impatient as a child to see things that you know will scare you, I was impatient to be with Koschei. Somewhere, deep down, hidden underneath the never-ending love and respect for him, I knew that he was going to scare me.

I _knew_ that he was going to hurt me.

He'd always hurt me.

But maybe that was what Koschei had been talking about.

You can't love anybody without hurting them.

And it would be too good to be true that it would be limited to partner relationships only.

No; you hurt everybody, even if you cared for them slightly only.

You were doomed to hurt others by actions or words.

And with Koschei it was either or both. But he was definitely going to hurt me.

"And you see the Dioacutoouri Miassotoeru Nebula is now dominated by variable stars which vary widely in size. The first ones have started to appear over the past few months; and it seems as if there's still more to come."

I nodded quietly and stared at the sky, my head was now resting on Koschei's shoulder. I envied him for being able to stay warm over such a long time. It was a chilly night and colourless clouds covered the darkening sky; the stars gleamed through the arising mist.

I shivered and stared at the small swirling cloud of breath which emerged from my mouth as I breathed out and sighed. I rubbed my shoulders with freezing fingers and snogged Koschei beside me.

"...and you could say that the Dioacutoouri Miassotoeru Nebula is in its prime of life, though many claim that it's actually abloom or bursts into bloom due to the colourful stardust which will take shape throughout the next weeks and I really think we should be going if you're not paying attention because you're freezing and I'm definitely not going to wait until you're blasted." Koschei sighed and removed his hand from my shoulders. I moved closer once more. "You're too cold" mumbled Koschei and arose. "No, you're too warm" I contradicted him and stood up, brushing the wet grass off my legs "It's not normal to stay warm during a chilly night." "For me it is" replied Koschei and pulled me after him, stepping carefully between the bales of hay and staying out of reach of the trees. He tried to avoid the trees as long as he was accompanied by me. Koschei himself wasn't scared of the trees; he enjoyed climbing and resting in their leaves' shadows at their branches during hot summer days. But he wouldn't endanger me by getting too close to them.

I often wondered if the trees were mad themselves. Or if they were simply attracted to madness. Either way, I wouldn't come near them.

Koschei pulled on my wrist impatiently while I was having trouble keeping up with him.

I struggled for air and freed my hand finally from his grip, panting and resting my hands on my knees.

"Koschei, I'm tired" I replied while he eyed me up with expectant eyes; I watched the clouds of breath ascending from my lips "why are you in such a hurry? If they find us, they'll find us nonetheless. There's no sense in running."

"My point exactly" mumbled Koschei and squatted down beside me, stroking the grass and rubbing it with his fingers "there is no sense. I just felt like running." He looked up to me and smiled; I tried to control my breathing. "Usually it's what you keep doing. Always running around, never stopping, running and fleeing."

"It's not fleeing" I disagreed "It's got nothing to do with fleeing. I have too much energy; I'm in high spirits or whatever you prefer to call it..." "Psyched" added Koschei and smiled, popping his head to one side. "As you wish" I proceeded "Then I'm psyched. Call it what you want. The point is: I'm not fleeing and I'm not escaping. I like running and that's that."

Koschei smirked and chuckled as he ran his fingers through the grass.

"You and you're No Reason things" I hissed and pulled myself back into an upright position again "I swear to you, Koschei, someday I'm going to be as mad as you are if you don't stop those stupid No Reason things."

"Oh, you're not mad, Theta" replied Koschei and arose quietly. He moved smoothly in the darks, his hands caressed my temples why I hadn't even seen them coming "you're not mad. You're just a little bit confused." He pressed his forehead against mine as if he was able to read my mind while doing so. I tried to look into his bright glistening eyes without panicking. Koschei smirked and raised his head again. "And a bit unsettled, aren't you?" he asked chuckling. Then he pressed both hands against my chest and pushed me away, causing me to fall on my back.

Koschei adjusted himself over me in a kneeling position; his hands rested on my chest again, his palms were searching and pressed against my racing hearts.

He smirked.

I grabbed his arms and pulled on them helplessly, trying to get his hands off my body.

"Koschei" I hissed between my gritted teeth "What are you doing?"

I got more and more uneasy and writhed under his strong arms.

"Koschei?!" I repeated desperately and kicked the air while being unable to get a hold of him.

"Hold still" he mumbled coldly and rested his palms on my shoulders, staring me in the eye deeply.

"Koschei what are you doing?" I didn't give in as fast as Koschei was used to. And I was surprised at myself that I didn't comply after I'd received his first command. But somehow I was in a mood to fight.

Though I knew that I could never win against Koschei. I'd always loose.

Koschei didn't reply. He looked me over in a strange way and his amber-coloured eyes were flickering in a way that scared me. His stare was terrible.

"Koschei, what are you doing?" I repeated uneasy and tried to kick him in the groin.

Koschei chuckled and intensified his grip on my shoulders, making me cry out in pain.

"Koschei, you're hurting me" I yelped and wrestled against him.

"I told you to hold still" replied Koschei and chuckled again.

"It's cold" I whispered helplessly and searched his gaze.

Koschei smiled down at me, struggling to get me into the right position for him.

"Don't worry I'll warm you" he kissed my temples and rubbed his face against mine.

I shook my head and kept him thereby from snuggling against me.

I bristled with anger.

Koschei wouldn't give in. And even if he wanted nothing from me but to succeed.

He wanted me to obey.

He wanted me to back down and be obedient.

He wouldn't allow me to contradict him.

It was the same.

The same way he had tended to wrestle me down while we had been children.

Koschei overpowered me the same way he had always done it. He knew me too well. He knew how I was brought to heel. Nothing had changed.

We were still like children.

I gritted my teeth and panted.

No. We weren't exactly the same. Koschei was probably a lot more sensible concerning the vulnerable spot between his legs.

I gave it a try.

Koschei flinched as I managed to hurt him on the inner thighs.

He growled and spat beside my head in anger. He narrowed his eyes as and the flames in his widened pupils started to dance around in excitement.

"You don't even want to know what I'm gonna do to you."

Koschei's words scared me to death. I lay beneath him in shocked silence and stared speechless into his abysmal eyes. Koschei wasn't smiling. He showed no facial expression; for the first time in my life I saw Koschei without his typical, annoying, senseless smile.

I gasped in horror and pressed my hands down onto the ground, pushing my body away from the wet grass, as if I attempted to escape from underneath him by crawling away cautiously.

Koschei forced one of his knees between my legs and separated them by pressing his knee down determined. I moaned in pain and grasped his wrists tightly with shaking hands. Tears welled up in my eyes.

He'd hurt me.

I knew that he was going to hurt me, right here, right now.

And it was going to be worse than ever before.


	27. Chapter 27

As I lay underneath him I felt the void from the fabric of time staring back at me. It was in Koschei's eyes. He had absorbed it; it had become part of him when he had stared at it as a child.

Koschei was mad. And I knew that I had mentioned it before, and I knew that I had told him myself and I knew that he even knew it himself. But I'd never really believed it. Or, to be more specific: I had never known what it meant to be mad.

But his stare said more than thousand words.

Three letters were completely sufficient.

MAD.

I closed my eyes to evade his hurtful stare.

This time I couldn't run. This time I would be forced to look back at it, to stare into the void.

To become as mad as him...

My eyes were closed tightly. I felt _it_ through my shut eyelids; it stared at me; Koschei's madness originated from the void and now it was looking back at me.

I breathed in deeply and tried to bury my thoughts in my mind. I didn't even know how I managed to escape this horrible moment. But somehow I did it.

I searched through my memories, my thoughts and my mind; I searched for something I could hold on to. If I couldn't run physically then I had to do it in thoughts, I had to escape the reality, the terrible things that Koschei was going to do to me shortly and the void that tried to swallow my mind on the whole.

My mind was racing. All the words of my father were falling back on me and gushing through my brain at high speed.

All of them. Even the worst I had tried to deny and push to the back of my mind.

"Close your legs."  
>"Tie them together at night."<br>"Never put your legs up in the air."  
>"Don't spread your legs for anyone. And don't let anybody come near you."<p>

"Close your legs and never open them again."

"Close your legs and don't let anything come between them."

"You've got such beautiful legs, Theta. Such beautiful, tempting legs."

"It's up to you to make sure that your legs are closed. Others will surely try to separate them, even against your will."

"Close your legs. That's the only way to protect yourself."

"Close your legs Theta."

I sobbed as I felt tears running down my cheeks. My eyes were shut so tightly that they hurt.

I pressed my legs around Koschei's knee in order to keep him from pushing my thighs apart.

Koschei's hair was stroking my neck - He must have lowered his head.

I opened my eyes cautiously and pressed my temples against his.

Koschei kissed my shoulders while trying to remove my garment. I breathed in deeply and slipped my fingers between his and my chest; I pressed my palms against his collarbone and thereby forced him to sit up again. One of his knees was still between my legs.

Waiting...

He was awaiting my reaction.

I gasped for air and searched Koschei's gaze uneasy. Koschei's eyes darkened, which was a good thing. The colour of his pupils had changed from glistening golden to gloomy amber. The fire in his eyes had died away, as motiveless as it had occurred.

I let my head fall back onto the wet grass and sighed in relief.

Koschei rubbed his cheeks against my neck whilst covering it with kisses.

But he felt that I didn't like it. And he enjoyed my reluctance.

He pushed his head against mine, knocking forehead on forehead. He came closer every time lowering himself onto me, pressing his chest against mine, pushing his hot and sweaty body against mine.

Coming closer... always coming closer...

He moved against my body restlessly, pushing on and on and on.

Koschei chuckled; he pulled the upper part of my garment upwards and buried his head in its fabric, snuggling his face against my shoulders.

Our heartbeats inclined. But they hadn't found a new rhythm together that they shared; my hearts struggled to keep up the pace with Koschei's. And somehow it felt as if they were forced to keep up with Koschei's hearts. As if Koschei managed to gain control over my body...

Koschei chuckled again. I felt him smiling as he kissed my naked shoulders, removing my garment. "You've got such beautiful legs, Theta" he whispered, imitating my father's voice "such beautiful tempting legs."

I blushed unintentionally and breathed rapidly, secretly hoping that I'd thereby manage to push his head off my chest.

How he dared to talk to me...

"Beautiful and tempting, that's what I'd always thought" Koschei chuckled and lifted his head, trying to look me in the eye. I snorted and turned my head aside, struggling to evade his gaze.

"Koschei you're disgusting" I hissed and gritted my teeth.

"Don't play innocent, Theta" smiled Koschei before giving it a little thought and adding "I know that you don't _play innocent_, of course. You are innocent. My innocent little Theta... with his tempting legs..."

"Stop calling me that!" I snapped and buried my hands in Koschei's hair, pulling his head upwards and thereby forcing him to face me.

"I don't want to hear it! How dare you call me that? How dare you, Koschei?!"

Koschei smirked. I slapped him in the face and was stunned by my own reaction. But I seemed to be more surprised than Koschei.

"It was your father's privilege to call you that, wasn't it?" he asked quietly and lowered his head, placing his forehead on mine, staring me in the eye deeply. I snarled at him.

"You don't have to prove your innocence" Koschei went on "you already did."

"Stop talking" I hissed between my gritted teeth "Just stop talking about innocence already."

"Robbing children of their innocence is a sin, your father would have said" Koschei chuckled, rubbing his nose against mine.

I breathed in deeply. "You're talking nonsense."

"As always" added Koschei and buried his face in my neck again.

"Then why don't you just shut up?" I snapped.

I couldn't control myself.

I couldn't hold back. I couldn't hold my tongue.

And Koschei seemed to be enjoying that, too.

I tried closing my legs and jammed Koschei's knee between my thighs.

Koschei moaned; either in pain or with pleasure.

And I blushed at my own imagination.

I didn't know why I thought that. I didn't understand what could be pleasurable about getting your knee wedged in by someone else. And I didn't know why the word "pleasure" even came to my mind.

But I guess it was something about Koschei.

Somehow pain was pleasure to him, I figured.

Koschei opened his eyes slowly again and smirked, lowering his head and moaning into my ear.

I tried to turn my head away in disgust but he grabbed my chin and forced me to remain in the same position.

I clamped his leg between mine and dug my hands into the wet grass beside me, staring at Koschei wide-eyed and panting.

"This will hurt you worse than me" Koschei whispered.

"It's worth a try, isn't it?" I replied uneasy and tried to shift under his strong body.

"You're skinny" Koschei nibbled on my ear and moaned quietly "you're delicate."

"And you're too heavy for me" I mumbled whilst trying to push him off my chest.

I struggled hopelessly as well as senselessly – there was no stopping Koschei.

If he wanted to achieve something, to reach for something...

Koschei lowered himself onto me again; our bodies touched shoulder on shoulder, chest on chest, groin on groin. I couldn't take my eyes off Koschei, the raving mad Koschei above me, who wouldn't stop struggling for control over my body.

Koschei smirked, he wouldn't stop smirking, not after I had slapped his face, hit him against the chest several times and I guess even if I had dared to strike a blow to his head he wouldn't have stopped smiling as well.

I panted. Koschei dug his nails into my ribs and I screamed as he grabbed my chest and weighed me down, pressing my body deeper into the wet grass.

Koschei had started moving his body against mine; his pelvis was placed on top of my upper edge of my hip bones, thrusting at my skinny haunch restlessly.

Koschei rubbed his groin against mine, letting out deep moans while I tried to bury my head in his chest; I wouldn't grant him the privilege to derive extreme arousal from watching me writhe in pain beneath his strong and heavy body. And most of all I didn't want him to see me blushing.

I felt the blood rushing down into my pelvic area and thought it to be likewise with Koschei. I felt the twitching of his crotch. He intensified his grip on me and pushed me down harder, causing me to yelp in pain and attempt senselessly to escape from him.

But there was no escaping Koschei.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Bit of a cliffhanger there again (I know!) but tomorrow Koschei's gonna bring it to an end properly...<strong>_


	28. Chapter 28

_**Warning: really dark chapter ahead. And sad in the end, too.**_

* * *

><p>No.<br>There was no chance of escaping.

I had let him stay by my side. I had never dared to contradict him or obstruct Koschei's view on my legs.

I hadn't struggled against him when he had started rubbing apples against my thighs.

I simply let it happen.

There was no stopping Koschei, not here, not right now.

And it was my own fault.

Fault.

I was no mistake. My mother had used to call me her little mistake, but she was wrong about that. I was no mistake; I was a fault.

You're a mistake when you're careless and, at the most, grossly negligent.

You're a fault when you're to blame.

I blamed myself for getting harassed by Koschei because I had never struggled against him.

I was to blame for the things he'd done to me, the way he had treated me because I hadn't offered resistance. I had never snubbed him, I hadn't tried to stop Koschei – I had simply succumbed.

And I blamed myself for letting it happen; I invited Koschei in to my brain by not keeping him out.

And now he was about to do the same thing with my body...

I closed my eyes and stroked Koschei's back.

It would be less painful if I didn't dare to struggle against it, I guessed.

Tears were welling up in my eyes as I started sobbing quietly.

My life was a fault. And it had been my own fault.

Koschei groaned into my ear and bit down on my neck, kissing me and working his way across my skin in a rather painful way.

He chuckled.

"What's so funny?" I whispered barely audible while staring at the sky, ignoring and forgetting about my pawed-at body.

Thy legs shall not be closed.

I lifted my head and stared around.

Thy legs shall never be closed, Theta.

My father's voice inside of my head, reciting the wrong words over and over again.

Koschei above me chuckled.

"Remember what your father told you" he snickered "you wouldn't want to disappoint your father, would you?"

"Koschei, stop that" I hissed and stared at him furiously "what are you doing?"

"Putting things in order" replied Koschei and pressed his hands down on my chest, rubbing his crotch against mine "the proper order."

"That's not the proper order" I grunted and struggled for air as Koschei increased the pressure on my ribs while he leaned forward to kiss me.

"For me it is" chuckled Koschei and licked my cheeks.

I felt my heart rates increasing, my hearts were pounding in my chest, they were pounding against my chest as if they were aiming at Koschei, if they wanted to get him off me.

"Stop it Koschei, that's not funny!" I replied hastily and struggled to remember my father's words, my father's real and proper words "I mean it!"

Koschei enjoyed my desperation.

"I love to see you beg" he whispered quietly and snuggled against me.

"I'm not begging you" I hissed and breathed rapidly, Koschei moved his hands against my chest, pressing them down rhythmically. I panted and struggled for air. "I mean it, Koschei!"  
>Koschei wanted to hear me moan. And he'd probably enjoy it even more if I'd scream.<br>Koschei struggled for control. He wanted control over my body. Over my mind.

Over me.

I closed my eyes and winced.  
>And it was my fault, my own fault.<br>I was a fault. I was a failure.

Thy legs shall not be closed.

Koschei above me chuckled again and removed my garment.

No, Theta, don't close your legs for me.

I flinched. It was still my father's voice. My father's voice reciting the wrong words. Koschei was fiddling with my thoughts, turning my memory upside down and inside out, he was working on adjusting my mind to his special demands, drilling through my remembrance and tearing it apart, ripping it into pieces and, if he felt like doing so, reassembling them incorrectly.

If he'd get to change my memory, my thoughts, my father's words...

If I can't remember...

I gasped for air as Koschei moved closer, I felt his hot legs between mine, pushing them apart predatory and in a very painful way.

I yelped and felt tears burning in my eyes.

Spread your legs for me, Theta. Come on, spread them for me. Thy legs shall not be closed, Theta. Spread your legs for me and never closed them again.  
>My sweet innocent little Theta...<p>

I grabbed Koschei's hands and squeezed them as hard as I could.  
>"Koschei, get out of my head" I hissed between my gritted teeth and managed to get his hands off my chest. "If I've invited you in then I can surely invite you out."<p>

Spread your legs, Theta.  
>Put them in the air at night.<br>Spread your thighs apart for me Theta and let me come near you.

Let me come between your legs Theta.

You've got such beautiful legs, Theta. Such beautiful, tempting legs.

Spread your legs, Theta. Spread your legs for me.

I shook my head and bit my lower lip to stop myself from crying.

"Koschei get out!" I screamed and struck out wildly at his chest, I meant to hit him somewhere where it hurt, somewhere where I could hurt him as much as he hurt me.

"Koschei, get out of my head! Stop that! I mean it, Koschei, I mean it! Get out of there!"

Koschei managed to cover my mouth with his hands and didn't mind me flailing at him.

Though I guess I annoyed him by screaming with a covered mouth and shaking my head like mad. So, eventually Koschei let out a deep sigh and stopped locking my thighs against mine and got into a kneeling position. Even though he was still between my legs I managed to close them at least a bit more and panted rapidly before launching an anew attack at him.

Koschei cocked an eyebrow at me and kicked me in the groin with one of his knees.

I pressed my hands against my crotch and moaned aloud, though due to Koschei's hands all that escaped my sealed lips was a muffled cry. My pointless attempts to roll to one side with Koschei still between my legs seemed to annoy him.

"Theta?"

Koschei pulled his fingers away from my face cautiously and removed his hands slowly.

I maintained eye contact and bit down on his hand, burying my teeth in Koschei's fingers.

Koschei didn't even wince; though he started caressing my head with his free hand while not making any effort to cast off his other hand from my mouth.

"Theta" he repeated quietly and leaned forward, pressing his forehead against mine. I narrowed my eyes. I snarled at him furiously and bit down harder on his hand.

Koschei shook his head and looked at me compassionately before moving his face across mine. He pressed his lips against my ear and whispered in my ear, giving it the impression of how it would sound like if his voice was already in my head.

"This is only a game. This is only a game, Theta."

I spat out his hand and snarled again.

"No, this isn't a game, Koschei! I mean it! I'm deadly serious."

"Seriousness does not become you, Theta" chuckled Koschei and grasped my hands, pressing them down on my pelvis. He chuckled. "Come play with me."

"Koschei, you're mad!" I yelled at him.

"Don't you feign ignorance, Theta" Koschei shook his head and smiled at me rather discontent "you _know_ that I'm mad. You knew it all the time."

"Yes, but I didn't know _how_ mad you were!" I replied "Koschei, let me go!"

Koschei smirked. "You don't want me to let go off you" explained Koschei "And don't you dare contradict me. I don't like it when you're lying. And I know what you're thinking." He popped his head to one side as small flames seemed to burst out of his glistening eyes. "Poor little innocent Theta" he smiled wide-eyed "He's scared. So scared of me. But he wants me to be with him. He'd known me all these years and yet he never even knew that he could be scared of me. Or how scared he could be of me."  
>"Koschei enough!" I interrupted him but he simply pressed one of his fingers against my lips. "Theta never wants to play games. Well, he thinks he never wants to play games; but he wants to; he wants to play with me; but his father doesn't want him to play with me; no, his father gets angry when we play together..." Koschei reached for my groin and stroked it carefully. I flinched but I didn't manage to kick at him.<p>

"No, Theta's father is really angry when I play with him; because he's so worried. He worries about poor sweet innocent Theta all the time; because he's so ignorant and trusting... and delicate..."

You've got such delicate legs, Theta. Let me come between your delicate legs.

I froze in shocked silence after hearing Koschei's voice inside of my head. I stared at him starry-eyed and opened my mouth- still I was unable to reply.

"Play with me, Theta" replied Koschei "after all those years let me play with you. We'll play the games you'd always wanted to play, the games your father was afraid of..." Koschei smirked and palpated my crotch and my thighs before thrusting his groin at mine over and over again.

"Come play with me."

"Koschei..." I struggled to find my voice again "Koschei this isn't a game! You can't be... your voice... you're talking..."

"Would you prefer it if I'd talk in your father's voice then?" asked Koschei innocently and stroked my pelvic area. "But I don't think that sounds right, Theta... your father asking you to let him come between your legs..."  
>My stomach turned into a knot and I was glad that I hadn't been able to eat anything for two days otherwise I would have thrown up instantly.<p>

"Koschei you're disgusting" I hissed and spate beside me.

"And you're not very playful" sighed Koschei.

But you could be, Theta. We could play together, all the time.

Let me play with you, Theta.

You'll never be scared; you'll never be alone - ever again.

"Koschei, that's not funny!" I gasped for air and pressed my hands against my temples "Stop doing that!"

"Theta, we can play together... we can play the way you wanted me to play with you... you'll never be scared ever again. And I want this night to be special to you. You'll never forget this night, Theta."

"I'll take your word for that" I mumbled and met his gaze.

Koschei's amber coloured eyes were burning with an indelible fire, fed by reality from the void itself. It was taking control over him.  
>The void controlled his mind. And as long as our minds were fused together, as long as he gained access to my mind...<p>

"Theta, you're struggling. You're trying to defend yourself against me." He kissed my cheeks. "No use resisting. You'll give in, sooner or later. And you know it. We've had that before."

"Koschei, get out of me head" I tried to yell at him but he placed his hands across my face. I felt tears welling up in my eyes again as I struggled to free my mouth in order to scream at him.

"I mean it! Koschei get out of my head! I don't want to see it! I've seen it before! Get out! I don't want to see it, to hear it, to..." "After all these years"

Koschei cut me off "and still you're afraid of the void."

I sniffed. Koschei was right. I couldn't fight him.

"Koschei, I mean it..." I sobbed and suppressed the tears by biting my lower lip. I cried quietly, lying underneath my friend, my best friend, the friend I had loved, the friend who was closer to me than any brother ever could have been.

And yet I was scared to death of him.

"Please Koschei" I was begging him "please, don't... I don't want you inside of my head..."

"Neither do you want me inside of your body..." added Koschei and sighed. He sat up and rested his elbows on my chest. His eyes were darkening again.

"What to do...?" he asked quietly "But I want to play with you, Theta. I've always wanted to play with you, all these years. And it seems like the right time. I guess you can bear it... No, I know that you can bear my body, bear my feelings... you can bear me, Theta. You're strong. You can bear it, all of it."

"Koschei what are you talking about?" I sobbed. He was not only mad. Now it seemed as if he made me lose my grip on reality as well.

"I want to play with you, Theta" repeated Koschei and breathed in deeply. He started touching the lower part of my body and moved his eager fingers across my naked skin "and we could have had so much fun."

"Koschei, I don't want you to be inside of my head" I stated quietly and grasped his hands. His pupils became smaller, revealing more of the glistening amber of his eyes.

"You can either accept the void or run from it; and it's the same with me. It's sink or swim. It's your choice, Theta" explained Koschei in a low voice.

"I've made that choice before" I replied.

"Life is about choosing" added Koschei and stared into the sky "it's all about choosing and making decisions. You can't decide if you should resign to your fate or run from me for the rest of your life. And I can't decide whether or not I want you to lie here, develop a urinary tract infection and pee blood for the next few weeks."

Koschei had stopped smirking and searched my gaze with wide open eyes, as if the void stared back at him out of my skull.

"Either way it's your choice, Theta" Koschei went on "Sink or swim. Resign or run. Chose Theta; chose wisely."

I shook my head and sniffed.

"I don't know what you're talking about" I whispered barely audible.

"Sink or swim, Theta" Koschei repeated "Resign or run. Mind or Body. It's up to you. Body or Mind. Either way you chose I get to play with you."

I sobbed and wiped my face.

"What options do I have?" I tried to compose myself and breathed in deeply. I shut my eyes tightly to keep the tears from escaping.

"Mind or Body" repeated Koschei "either your body or your mind. You can push me out of your mind Theta; but then I'll push myself into your body. Or you'll keep me from entering your body; then I'll enter by your mind. If you close your body I'll enter by mind." Koschei smirked. "Oh, there are so many ways to get inside you, Theta. And you don't know which way is the worst. But you have to choose nonetheless. One word and it's over."  
>"You'll stop infiltrating my mind?" I asked uneasy and shifted under Koschei's heavy body. "If you choose, I will" replied Koschei and nodded his consent.<br>"And if I say 'Body'?" I went on. My voice was trembling with fear.  
>"Then I'll spare your body and have your mind instead."<p>

"Body or Mind?" I repeated and wiped the tears of my cheeks. "Mind or Body" added Koschei and positioned himself between my legs "Choose wisely, Theta."

I didn't think.

I didn't search my mind for the right answer.

Koschei had made it clear.

Body or Mind. I couldn't have both. I had let myself get infiltrated by him and now I had to pay the price for being and ignorant and innocent child.

I wouldn't think.

I just chose.

I didn't spare a thought for the consequences.

I wouldn't think, getting lost in my thoughts while lying on the cold grass and freezing to death.

I chose.

It was no game.

I didn't weigh up the opportunities.

It was a gut reaction, nothing more.

I didn't play at fate.

I wouldn't play Koschei's little game.

But in the end I lost.  
>Even though it was no game I lost.<p>

Seconds had passed and I was lying on my back, my legs resting on Koschei shoulders and he penetrated my weak body ruthlessly after he'd hear me whispering "Mind."

I had chosen my mind over my body.

I had chosen to stay who I was before staying the way I had been.

I winced and my hands rested beside my thighs, the thighs Koschei had adored for so long. The thighs Koschei had wanted to get between all his life.  
>I guess I was exaggerating back then. I don't think he had wanted to get between my legs all his life. He simply had wanted to do so as soon as he'd met me and he'd started to grow up.<p>

Koschei sapped my energy just by letting me chose and making me stare into the void.

My body had been weakened.

I didn't contribute. I didn't join in.

I simply let it happen. As always I simply let it happen to me.

I accorded him my body.

My head rested on the cool and wet grass. Small beads of sweat had bedabbled by forehead.

Koschei moaned loud and pushed into my body unrestrained.

Body or Mind.

I had made my choice. I had made my decision.

His body belonged to him now.

He could do whatever he'd wanted to me.

He could get deeper than ever before; he could bestride me; he could hurt me unintentionally or not – I wouldn't try to stop him.

I even tried to keep myself from wincing every time he'd hurt me deep inside.

And it was so much more enjoyable for him.

"It's sad, Theta" moaned Koschei and pressed his hot and sweaty chest against mine in order to warm me "We could have had so much fun. We could have played properly. I really could have fucked with your brain and I guess I'd favoured it." He had to chuckle.

I nodded. Well, actually I didn't nod but my head moved as Koschei pushed in and out of me restlessly with increasing speed.

"But in the end it doesn't matter" explained Koschei and groaned.

I felt his body warming mine from the inside and stared Koschei in the face starry-eyed.

He panted and I felt the indication of my shame dripping out of my hurt body.

As Koschei shifted between my legs I reached down to find that my thighs had been moistened. My fingers were sprinkled and I rubbed them against each other before smelling at the viscous fluid. It was blood mixed with...

"After all you're my toy" Koschei let out a deep sigh and dressed himself while I sat up slowly and started searching for my clothes. Koschei held them in his hand and handed them to me as soon as he'd stopped enjoying watching me searching for them.

Koschei dressed me. I could hardly move. I was weak. I was lifeless and motionless and my energy had been drained.

Koschei hugged me. He wrapped his arms around my back and pressed my skinny body against his own.

"You're my toy" he whispered in my ear "my push- and pull-along toy."

As tears welled up in my eyes I finally gave in.

I stopped thinking and let myself get pulled back towards the academy by Koschei.

I didn't resist.

I was his.

His toy.

And he could push and pull out of me as often as he'd wanted to.

But back then I was too stubborn to accept it.

I was too hurt.

I was too weak.

My mind had given in as well as my body.

The only thing I can still remember from that night is standing in front of the academy and turning my back on it.

I had stared into the sky. I had searched it helplessly and had started crying silently as Koschei had intensified his grip on my hand.

I was his.

I belonged to him.

Whether I wanted it or not.

I had sniffed and rubbed my eyes in order to chase away the tears.

And I had said the first words which had come to my mind.

"I really miss the stars."

* * *

><p><strong><em>I know: sad moment to end it for today! But I just couldn't write any more.<em>**  
><strong><em>But don't worry. Theta will get over it.<em>****_He'll find comfort in the next chapter._**  
><strong><em>And thanks to Mabudachi-Trio and Lastsyns for the reviews.<em>**  
><strong><em>Sorry that I had to stop there for today. But its a really long chapter. I hope you enjoyed it nonetheless (IF you can enjoy that...)<em>**


	29. Chapter 29

_The Doctor sniffed as he buried his head in the cushion. His shoulders twitched uncontrollably and he wouldn't stop sobbing, not even after getting comforted by the dark silhouette beside him which he had by now identified as Martha._

_"__Doctor, what's wrong?" she asked him in a soothing voice and squatted down beside him._

"I miss the stars. I really miss the stars" _whispered the Doctor lifeless and let out a cry of pain._

_"__Doctor?" she repeated uneasy._

_"__Martha, help me" the Doctor gasped for air and struggled for control over his body, shifting nervously in his bed "Please, help me! I can't fight it."_

_"__Doctor, it's only a fever. You've been lying here for three days now. That's no time." Martha caressed his cheeks and felt the Doctor snuggling against her hand._

_"__Three days?" he asked uncertainly._

Yet your struggle is eternal if you're not willing to give in...

_The Doctor pressed a hand against his chest. It burnt. It burnt unbearable._

_"__Any narcotics?" he asked Martha and groaned. "I don't have any..." replied Martha hastily but the Doctor interrupted her "Did you GIVE me any narcotics, Martha?"_

_She shook her head.  
>"Then do so" he replied and let out a deep moan "I have some in the small cabinet in the library on the fourth... no, wait on the fifth floor. If you find the library you can't miss it." The blurred figure beside him nodded its assent and made a run for it.<em>

_"__IF you can find the library" mumbled the Doctor quietly before resting his head on the pillow again. Well, actually 'resting' was too much. He couldn't find rest. He was in pain._

_He felt like dying._

We all die. Sooner or later we all have to die.

_Your time has come. But mine hasn't. I have time._

The future isn't sure about that. Let me change history, will you? Let a spirit from Gallifrey rise once more. And my time hadn't come, either.

_But you died, Theta.  
>The Doctor pressed his hand against his forehead. He must have gone mad. He was talking to an inner voice he'd imagined and tried to convince it of leaving.<em>

_Theta had died long ago._

_Theta is dead. He is no more. He has ceased to be._

I know, I know... he's run down the curtains and joined the choir invisible. This is an Time Lord. Are we done yet? I never thought my future selves could be so unhumorous...

_I'm not your future self. I'm me! AND YOU'RE DEAD!_

I'm still here. And with me all that's left of yesterday.

_But Koschei's gone._

He died. We all have to die some day.

_Koschei's gone, Theta. You're all alone._

But you're still with me. STILL with me. I can feel you. And you can feel me inside of you. If only I could find a way to claim your body for me...

_The Doctor opened his eyes. He must have drifted off into his dreams again. He looked around. The room was empty. There was no one there._

You can still hear me. 'Doctor'. Mh. 'D-o-c-t-o-r'. Sounds strange. Why is it resonating in here? And by the way, did I come up with that name?

_No. I came up with it. And you didn't because you're not me._

But I was you.

_No you weren't!_

Yes, I was.

_No, you weren't and shut up inside of my head! Just stop replying as long as I'm trying to get to sleep._

Although I'm enjoying this little chat with you I have to admit that I'm getting tired of your contradiction. I'll put you back to sleep in a moment, I promise. Or back to your memories, to be more specific. Our memories_.  
>The Doctor shifted uneasy and dug his nails into the mattress.<em>

_I don't WANT to remember it!_

Do you know what happens next?_  
>He could hear his inner voice chuckling.<em>

_The Doctor wouldn't reply. He asked a question instead._

_What happens when you die in my memories?_

_There was silence from the inside. But Theta had found his voice again soon._

I've always been curious, so let's find out, shan't we? Oh, and by the way: would you be so kind as to stop drinking tea as long as I'm still alive in you? Tea's disgusting!

_My body, my decision._

_There was silence again. The Doctor hit his chest once or twice before screaming and struggling for air. Something inside of him was burning. And it felt as if small blades emerged from his lower abdomen, cutting through his connective tissue, his muscles and his intestines bit by bit._

You're disgusting 'Doctor'.

_The Doctor opened his eyes again and felt tears running down his cheeks._

_"__Doctor!" the blurred silhouette rushed back to his bed._

_The Doctor took a deep breath. He cried due to the endeavours from the past few days. And his thought-to-be-lost memories._

Cry for the child, 'Doctor. Cry for the lost child's sake.

_The Doctor closed his eyes shut and buried his face in his hands._

_Shut up!_

_"__Doctor, I've found some pills. And some cross-scored tablet. Some oral capsules, some gel capsules... I've carried them in the small box from the cabinet and brought them all because I don't know which is which because I can't read Gallifreyan! And the goddamn screw caps won't budge, either, I can't get any of them open. Are they somehow locked for humans?"_

_"__Those are child-proof locks Martha. Just squeeze before twisting" sighed the Doctor and let his head roll into the nape of his neck._

Cry for the lost child, 'Doctor'. Cry for its sake.

_The Doctor shook his head._

_I can't and I won't._

Don't you remember it? There was a rhyme. I guess there was even a melody to it. Can't you remember it? We used to sing it. But I guess the tune's lost for good. We sang it, 'Doctor'. You sang it when you were still me. Together with all the others you sang it.

Don't you remember the rhyme, 'Doctor'?

'For the sake of the child the father was lost.

For the sake of the father the battle was lost.

For the sake of the battle the future was lost.

For the sake of the future the offerings were lost.

For the sake of the offerings the virgin was lost.

For the sake of the mother the child was lost.'

Then you could start over again. Pretty terrible story when you come to think about it now. But that's just how children are. Children are so cruel.

_No, the parents who make their children sing it, are cruel._

Your parents weren't cruel.

_I know. But YOURS._

They're the same, aren't they?

_Only in your bloody memory._

Go back to sleep already.

_Something seemed to grab the Doctor from the inside and whirled his mind around, shaking it and twisting it inside out, making him wail quietly._

_Do you think you can shake me off, Theta? You're still like a child._

And you're stubborn. Go to sleep already.

_The Doctor's shoulders had been grabbed and someone wouldn't stop his senseless attempts to shake the tired Doctor out of his sleep._

_"__No, Doctor, stay with me! You can't go back to sleep, you wanted me to administer you narcotics, remember? But I can't tell them apart! I can't read your circular writing, it's too complicated! Please Doctor, quick, tell me which is which and I'll give them to you, please!"_

_The Doctor's eyes opened so quickly that it made the figure beside the bed jump. Greyish-blue flow marks covered most of his up till now hazel eyes. He sat up and starred Martha in the face narrow-eyed._

_"_Six of the red and white gel capsules and it will be over for him. Three for each heart. One for a wedding, two for a burial, three for the loss of a child._"_

_The Doctor pressed his hands against his chest and screamed. He gasped for air and hit as his chest continuously before panting and shaking his head._

_The Doctor breathed in deeply and faced Martha again. He smiled faintly._

_"__Sorry for the inconvenience caused. I'll have two of the small white ones instead. It's the blue bottle. Remember, Martha: Squeeze before twisting."_

_"__Doctor?!"_

_He collapsed back onto the bed and lay there exanimate and calm._

_The silhouette beside him patted his forehead and sighed._

_"__If only he'd stop calling me girl's names..." it mumbled and struggled to get the bottle open._

One for a wedding, two for a burial. Three for the loss of a friend.

A counting-out rhyme from my childhood.

There was a melody to it as well. And I remember my mother singing it for me nearly every night. Of course, that's the way it was in my memory.

I guess she's only sung it twice.

But that's memory for you.

And that's childhood for you. I was sounds asleep as soon as she'd start singing. I didn't mind the meaning back then. I was told the nursery rhyme like all the other children. Without understanding. Without known what we were singing about.

One for a wedding, two for a burial. Three for the loss of a friend.

Those lines were usually used at the end of the rhyme, for counting out. I guess there was even a children's game to this. And I definitely played it. But I can't remember it anymore.

The lines originated from some foreign superstition, advising you how many days you were allowed to grief after a world-shaking event.

Strange, when you come to think about it. One day grieving because of a wedding...

As a youth I thought it referred to the forced marriages in the old days.

I don't know what to think of it now.

Either way it it's definitely nothing I would let my children sing.

Or at least I hope so...

* * *

><p><em><strong>... and by the way: did anybody notice the Monty Python reference?<strong>_


	30. Chapter 30

Changes.

I thought life had been about changes. As a kid you think everything's staying the way it is. There is just 'IS'. No 'COULD BE' or 'WILL BE' or 'WAS'.

If that makes sense.

Then, as you grow older, you come to certain age where everything seems to change. You start observing the world around you with different eyes; you learn that things can be damaged beyond repair; you watch yourself grow and growing up. It changes. Everything changes.

Until you're old enough to realize that, in fact, nothing changes. Nothing ever changes but to the worse.

Life isn't about changing. It's about trying to stay who you are. And thereby you stay who you are.

I had loved my father. I guess I'd still love him if I'd exist properly.  
>And anyway, I don't even know if he' still alive. But I love him. I still love him.<br>It's never been different. Not after the things he'd said. Not after telling me that I should keep my legs closed at night. Not after telling me that I should tie myself up. And not even after telling me that I had beautiful legs.

"You've got such beautiful legs, Theta. Such beautiful and tempting legs."

I loved my father, really. I knew that he cared for me. I felt him caring for me; I'd felt his fear when he held me in his arms; I'd felt the pain and disappointment I was causing him; I've seen the abysmal anger and the interminable mournfulness in his tired eyes; he had been tired of fighting, he had been so weary of fighting for me.

And he'd always been fighting.

We'd always been fighting.

He had fought me in order to protect me. He'd showed my limits. He'd cut me down to size. And he'd put me into my place – he demanded of me to stay home at nights, to stop wrestling with Koschei and behave myself as long as others were around.

Because no one should be watching. And no one should have caught a glimpse of my beautiful legs...

I love my father. Really.

But I can't imagine anything worse than telling your own child that it had beautiful legs. Beautiful and tempting legs. I mean... tempting? Even if he was suspecting Koschei of assaulting me, even if he was worried that I'd be able to arouse feelings just by letting him see and touch my body while we were fighting and wrestling, well, even if he KNEW that Koschei had always been craving, that he had been craving me...

You just can't tell your child that it has tempting legs! That's just... Disgusting! And back then, I must have been thirteen or fourteen at the most, I totally misunderstood that.

My father had scared me by saying this.

I had been scared of him instead of being scared of whoever might be attracted to my legs.

But by trying to protect me... by his senseless and preposterous attempts of saving me he drove me deeper into the arms of Koschei; deeper with every night he'd scare me by telling me how I should protect myself against those who wanted to get between my legs.

And Koschei was there for me when I cried. I guess I cried a lot during that time. Not only that my ankles had been rubbed sore and my father had started punishing me physically if I'd dared to pick on the scabs in order to watch myself bleed... I had cried because I didn't understand him. And my father was dear to him. Just like Koschei.

There had been times when I'd thought that I'd loved them equally, him and Koschei.

And there's no sense in denying that I'd been pretty stupid back then.

But I had not only become accustomed to Koschei, no, it was more than that. He'd protected me. Well, at least it felt as if he'd protected me. He'd never been around when my father had slapped me in the face or when he'd dressed my wounds and had wrapped the bandages around my ankles so tightly that he'd made me scream.

But Koschei was there when I needed him.

And he'd always comforted me. He'd managed to scare away my fears and my worries; whenever I had been in dire need for him he'd been there for me.

It was strange, though. My father had always tried to protect me, at every opportunity, with every breath and every beat of his hearts; he'd wanted me to be safe. And all he did was scaring me.

Koschei had been there for me whenever I had needed him. He'd comforted me and cheered me up in order to keep me from becoming lethargic and overcautious; because then I wouldn't be no fun. He had to care for me; he had to take care for me; and I trusted him.  
>And all he'd wanted was to get between my legs.<p>

And my father had been my protector and Koschei had been my predator.

To me my father had meant being strictly guarded while Koschei had meant freedom.

And I knew that my father wouldn't get tired of watching over me.

Beautiful and tempting legs... My father had called my legs beautiful and tempting.

I thought that... Well, I guess I thought that my father had been attracted to my legs.

Alright, I didn't think that. I knew that he'd never harm me. I had been closer to him than I had been to my mother and he knew that I loved him. He knew that I'd adored him. And I knew that he'd scare me unintentionally, only.

He never meant to do me any harm.

He simply did.

Just like Koschei.

He loved me; well, both of them did. Both of them shared their undying love for me, both of them loved me in a strange way, one way worse than the other.

My father cared for me the same way Koschei cared for me.

And both of them tended to scare me to death.

Comfort.

Koschei meant comfort to me.

At least until that bloody night when he'd made me choose between my body and my mind.

But, no. He meant comfort to me, even after that.

I was bound to love him. I was bound to be with him forever.

Like Siamese twins. We were forced to stay side by side.

Back to back. Staying like this forever. Not changing without the other one noticing.

Fused together and entwined by invisible shackle free bonds. No running, no escaping.

Locked. We were locked.

We were forced on each other.

We had no choice but to deal with it the way it was.

Koschei had been wrong.

Life wasn't about decisions. It was about acceptance.

But still he thought he could choose if he'd wanted to stay with me or not. But he couldn't.

We were closer to each other than anyone should ever be. Back to back. Like Siamese twins. Accepting each other's decisions, tolerating each other's existence. Getting through life without having a choice.

Together. Forever.

We couldn't help it.

Locked together.

And if one of us wouldn't behave then the other one would suffer as well...


	31. Chapter 31

Comfort.

Koschei meant comfort to me.

At least until that bloody night when he'd made me choose between my body and my mind.

But, no. He meant comfort to me, even after that.

I was bound to love him. I was bound to be with him forever.

Like Siamese twins. We were forced to stay side by side.

Back to back. Staying like this forever. Not changing without the other one noticing.

Fused together and entwined by invisible shackle free bonds. No running, no escaping.

Locked. We were locked.

We were forced on each other.

We had no choice but to deal with it the way it was.

Koschei had been wrong.

Life wasn't about decisions. It was about acceptance.

But still he thought he could choose if he'd wanted to stay with me or not. But he couldn't.

We were closer to each other than anyone should ever be. Back to back. Like Siamese twins. Accepting each other's decisions, tolerating each other's existence. Getting through life without having a choice.

Together. Forever.

We couldn't help it.

Locked together.

And if one of us wouldn't behave then the other one would suffer as well...

A page. A sheet of paper. And nothing important written on it.

Not the first page of a heart-wrenching novel neither the breathtaking and shocking beginning of the representation of new discoveries that will change history and the whole world forever.

It had been nothing but a sheet of paper.

A nearly blank sheet of paper.

There it was lying in the inner courtyard of the academy.

I've heard the saying "Paper doesn't blush" many times before. But in the current case it should have.

A white sheet of paper, scarcely words written on it. It was so empty it seemed naked; therefore it definitely should have blushed, just lying in the middle of the courtyard of the academy.

I rushed into the inner courtyard as soon as I'd discovered it, while several other students already gathered around it.

My hearts seemed to stop as I caught a glimpse of the page.

"Collected wisdom of Dr. Neakahla"

There it lay. The book I'd adored, the book I had loved and yearned for; the book I had read with Koschei on my side as well.

The book. My book.

I had thought the manuscript to be resting safely under my mattress. But someone must have taken it from me. It must have dropped out of its hideout as I had cleaned my room; and it had fallen into the wrong hands. The hands of someone who tended to sleep under my bed; someone who has a tendency to sneak away at night, alone or accompanied by me; someone who kept sitting on the roof. Someone who was cracksers enough to rest in the mad trees.

I didn't dare to come near the first page of Dr. Neakahla's script.

I bit my lower lip and unintentionally did what the page hadn't been capable of – I blushed.

Koschei had taken it from me. He must have read it on the roof at night.

And he had lost a page. He simply had lost a page. He had lost it without even noticing it.

I rushed back into my room and searched for the script. But it was of no use.

Koschei hadn't returned it. Either it was in his room or he had it still with him.

I stared out of the window to find more and more students crowding the inner courtyard. They'd discovered it. They'd found the first page. And it definitely wouldn't take long until they'd find the rest of the manuscript.

I collapsed onto my bed and wiped my face once or twice nervously.

And they'd find it out. They'd find me.

The book belonged to the secret library; it pertained to the faculty of 'Mental and Moral Hygiene' – and that was Ms Reprics' range of authority.

And I feared her.

Uneasily I sat up on my bed.

I hated Ms Reprics. I had learned to fear her. And over the past weeks it had become worse.

She had become worse.

Ms Reprics had stopped practicing her weekly shouting and carpeting on me. Until about two months ago she had ignored and looked down on me. After that she had started degrading and debasing me. And a few weeks ago...

Ms Reprics had stared at me. From one day to the next. Or overnight, to be more specific.

She had started staring at me in a strange way. She had stopped shouting at me or tearing strips off me; only her eyes reflected her contempt.

She achieved to make me feel uncomfortable about myself.

Ms Reprics stared at me as if she knew. As if she knew something about me...

There was shouting from without and I stormed towards the window again.

Ms Reprics stood in the middle of the students who'd made way for her, the ripped page in her hand as she raised her head and caught a glimpse of me as I stared out of the window.

I jumped two steps backwards and slammed the window shut even before I could hear Ms Reprics shouting "Theta-Sigma!" I closed my eyes and breathed in deeply.

I had met her gaze.

She knew it.

Whatever it was she knew it, Ms Reprics knew it! She knew it all.

I strode up and down in my room before.

Ms Reprics knew it. She knew it and she'd known it all the time.

She had started staring at me after that night, after the night Koschei had hurt me more than ever before. She had stared at me in the morning when I'd met her in the hallway as if she knew. As if she knew it all. And she had looked down on me. Figuratively as well as literally.

I had tried to forget about it.

I had tried to deny it.

I had tried to downplay it.

I had even tried to convince myself that everything had been alright.

But it wasn't. I knew that it wasn't.

My body had changed. It had started changing weeks ago, when I had barely noticed it. My body hurt. I ached all over. I hadn't been able to sleep through several nights because I had to keep myself from touching my stomach unintentionally.

It hurt. It was swollen and hard. And it hurt so much.

I had consulted Dr Neakahla's script several times with the same result each time; I had no clue. I simply didn't know what was wrong.

But I couldn't deny that it was getting worse. The swelling wouldn't go down after a few weeks; it got worse. My lower abdomen was strained permanently and my back was killing my – though it was better sleeping on my back then sleeping on my stomach.

And I couldn't stand the sight of Koschei anymore. No, that would have been wrong. Koschei was around me, as always. He was beside me. He wouldn't stop bugging me.

But his scent had changed, or at least so it seemed to me.

He smelled. He stank. And I could hardly stand it.

He smelled of... I didn't know. It wasn't like he needed to take a shower... Alright, a shower really could have been useful to him. But that was nothing new. It had always been this way.

But somehow he smelled of... adulthood. And the scent became more and more animalistic every day.

I tolerated Koschei in my room, as always. But I hadn't allowed him to sleep in my bed with me. I didn't want him to be around me all the time. Or at least too close beside me.

I didn't want him to discover the changes on my body. I didn't even know myself what they had been. And I knew that Koschei would say something about it that would either hurt me or disturb me. And I really could do without that.

The door behind me got pushed open and I turned my head slowly towards the intruder with sloping shoulders.

There was a grin standing in my doorframe and attached to it was Koschei.

I dug my nails into my thighs as he stepped forward and grabbed my hands. Koschei was still smiling and wouldn't stop even when I dared to push him aside and fold my arms.

"Your name has been called" grinned Koschei "and Reprics sure must be mad. Nobody has used your second name." "I don't want to go, Koschei" I had replied without thinking.

"I doubt that Ms Reprics cares about what you want or not" Koschei smiled broadly and bared his teeth "and I really think we should be going."

I remained silent as Koschei dragged my around and pulled me behind him after grabbing my wrists brutally. I winced as he intensified his grip.

"Koschei, you're hurting me" I whispered and tried to break free from him as he pushed me out into the courtyard.

"You shouldn't worry about me hurting you, Theta" Koschei was smirking and popped his head to one side after observing the students who encompassed us quietly.

"You should really worry about what's Ms Reprics is going to do to you."

I hadn't found time to give it some thought.

I flinched and tumbled down to my feet after a cane had struck me at the back of my head.

* * *

><p><em><strong>NOTE: Due to my sister's wedding (and the trip I'm forced to take in order to be with her) the next update will be on sunday (hopefully).<br>But of course I'll try to update as soon as I can.**_

_**And though it's a bit early I wish everyone a nice weekend.**_


	32. Chapter 32

"You're disgusting."

Ms Reprics' voice above me sounded damp and hollow. I closed my eyes as I placed my fingers on my temples. My head hurt.

I breathed out deeply and tasted blood; I had bitten my tongue and spat. Coughing I tried to get back into an upright position.

"Theta! Koschei! You're coming with me!"

Ms Reprics' cane struck me at the back and on the neck before I would start moving; I had lowered my head in order not to be forced to meet the stares of those who would glare at me in disbelief. I sobbed unintentionally and followed Ms Reprics slowly.

Out of the corner of my eyes I could see Koschei's mad grin becoming broader.

He walked silently beside me while I hung my head in shame.

Koschei tried to grab my right hand once or twice while I dug my nails into my side.

"I don't like it when you're hurting yourself Theta" he whispered and wrapped his fingers around my knuckles, pulling them away from my thigh.

"Because you think it's your privilege to hurt me, instead" I hissed back and gave him a death-glare.

Koschei chuckled.

"Keep up!" commanded Ms Reprics in a very high pitched voice; her whole body seemed to be trembling with anger "And keep your mouths shut!"

"Yes Miss" I mumbled quietly and lowered my head again.

"You ARE a disgrace, Theta" Koschei smiled and wouldn't stop chuckling.

Koschei didn't fear Ms Reprics neither did he fear her cane.

Koschei didn't know fear. He'd never experienced fear. He feared nothing. That's what he used to say. He feared nothing.

As a child I had envied him. He had never been scared. He had never been frightened. He hadn't known anxiety. He didn't know what it was like fearing that something bad might happen to your parents; or fearing that your parents ARE the bad thing that might happen to you.

He didn't know what it was like worrying about disappointing others.

He'd never feared that he'd let someone down.

He didn't know what it felt like to cry quietly in a darkened room because you were so afraid of your father for reasons you wouldn't even understand because you were still an ignorant and naive child.

I snorted and narrowed my eyes while staring down at my feet.

Koschei didn't know. He simply didn't know what it was like.

But there was no stopping Koschei.

"You're a disgrace, Theta" he repeated and tried to settle his firm grip on my wrists. I pushed his hands aside as soon as I felt them reaching for mine.

"Some of us don't want their spines broken" I replied quietly and clenched my fists. Ms Reprics had stopped in front of us. I didn't dare to raise my head; she pressed the handle of her cane against my chest and nudged me in the ribs.

"I'm used to Koschei not obeying the rules" she explained and pushed the cane harder against my sternum "but you used to be an obedient little child. You'd always try to bow and duck and comply. You were such a well behaved child, Theta. And I taught you obedience. And I taught you manners." "Yes Ms Reprics" I replied quietly. Beside me Koschei chuckled.

Ms Reprics raised her cane and Koschei didn't even flinch as she struck him in the chest while hissing despicable and nasty curses. Out of the corner of my eyes I saw that Koschei wouldn't stop smiling.

Ms Reprics pushed the cane back into my ribcage and increased her force until, I assumed, I would respond to it in any way.

I gritted my teeth and winced as tears welled up in my eyes.

Ms Reprics lowered her cane and snorted.

"You two are equally useless" she fulminated and continued her journey towards her bureau.

I started walking again but closed my eyes after feeling Koschei's firm grip on my hand. He pulled me along. As always. Even now he wouldn't stop pushing and pulling me around as he pleased.

I sniffed quietly and wiped the tears out of my eyes.

I though this to be my worst day on the academy.

And yet there was worse to come.

Ms Reprics had no bureau. In fact, like most of the staff of the educational establishment, she lived at work. Well, every academic had a small room in the academy which they could call their own. But Ms Reprics LIVED in the library. She wouldn't leave her workspace, or as some called it her 'post', in need for privacy. The secrets library was her resort. It belonged to her. And students had claimed before that she actually was part of the library, like a demon from another age who'd managed to survive hidden behind innumerable old books.

Ms Reprics had been allocated a room, too, but she entered it very seldom. At night she locked the library and would stay in there. Some claimed that she slept on her writing desk, her head resting on it while her upper part of the body would slowly bend forward. Others argued that she slept in the bookcases and swore that the bookcases were double-walled with at least enough room for one being in it. But most of the students assumed that she didn't sleep at all; in fact they believed that she didn't need to sleep because she wasn't even alive. And though it seemed strange at first, I guess I had to agree with them in the end; something as bad as Ms Reprics couldn't possibly be alive.

Her room was known as the "Torture Chamber". It was either a joke or a deterrence; either way I wouldn't want to find out.

Ms Reprics ordered us to stand in front of her writing desk, side by side, and eyed us up carefully.

My attempts to free my hand from Koschei's grip failed miserably but I wouldn't look up to meet either Koschei's inexpressive eyes or Ms Reprics death-glare.

There was a sigh from the other side of the desk and Ms Reprics' cane whizzed through the air to strike at our entwined fingers in order to separate them by force.

I flinched and stroked my fingers carefully after experiencing the burning pain on the back of my hand.

Koschei was smiling and faced Ms Reprics motionless.

Ms Reprics breathed silently and I felt her eyes scanning my body in disgust.

I caught a covered glance of her face. Ms Reprics examined me in silence.

"What is it?"

I nearly jumped at her sudden question and held my breath.

"Nothing Miss" I replied quietly and stared at my feet.

"What is it?" repeated Ms Reprics. She rose from her seat and walked slowly around the desk, her cane thudding the floor between every two steps.

I looked up nervously and stared a furious grey faced woman in the face whose anger seemed to be pent-up from over several centuries.

I breathed hastily and searched for the right words.

"I'm afraid I don't quite understand, Miss" I whispered nervously; I had pressed one hand absent-mindedly on my swollen abdomen, my arm covered my stomach in order to shield it from her fierce stare.

The cane's handle poked my belly beside my hand; I pulled myself together in order not to try to snatch it from Ms Reprics hand.

"What is IT?" she asked stony-faced, her greyish-green eyes glistening with rage "What do you have to say for yourself?"

Her stare reflected her disgust. She stared down at my body as if I had been some kind of deformed creature.

If only I had known back then how appropriately worded it had been.  
>Deformed creature...<p>

Well, deformed in fact, due to the increase on my abdominal girth.

"It's nothing, Miss" I replied quietly while pressing both hands on my abdomen "Really. I don't think..."

"Well, very well said, I'm sure that you don't THINK!" She spat on the floor next to my feet and snorted. Slowly she moved back to her writing desk and collapsed onto the stool.

"Who wants to defend himself first?" she asked, looking back and forth between Koschei and me.

I turned my head towards Koschei who shrugged.

"As counsel of the prosecution I'd prefer it if Theta-Sigma would speak up first" explained Ms Reprics and rummaged around in her desk's drawers. "...though you're nearly as guilty as Koschei. But we can say that you're only an accomplice and therefore don't deserve the same harsh punishment as he does." She excruciated herself in order to produce something remotely resembling a smile.

"So, what do you have to say for yourself?" she asked again and leaned forward on her desk after pressing a pile of sheets down onto her writing desk.

"I didn't mean to steal it!" I blurted out and covered my mouth in terror by hiding it behind my hand.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Sorry for the late update. The journey home took longer than expected. Anyway it was a beautiful wedding.<br>**_

_**And I'll focus on updating daily again.**_


	33. Chapter 33

Ms Reprics expression froze as she leaned further forward and narrowed her eyes on me.

She had grabbed the sheets in front of her with trembling fingers; waves of rage and disbelief seemed to pass in waves through her body constantly. She arose quietly before her sharp voice would cut the air in front of her in half.

"What?!"

"I...I... I didn't... I..." I gasped for air while searching for the right words, though it seemed that no matter what I'd say Ms Reprics would get it wrong. No matter if it was right; as soon as I had spoken it would have been wrong.

Koschei had stopped smiling and turned his gaze towards mine slowly.

"Oh Theta" he sighed and shook his head "my little innocent Theta..."

I bursted into tears as soon as I'd heard Koschei's words and bit my lower lip to keep me from sobbing and sniffing.

"I beg your pardon?" Ms Reprics harsh voice repeated for the second time. I faced her starry-eyed and swallowed.

I wouldn't let her see me cry. My father had never cried in front of me; he had been too proud to let me see him crying; crying was shameful. And Ms Reprics knew as well as I that I had lost as soon as I would have started crying or begging for mercy.

I was determined not to beg for anything.

And Ms Reprics begging for pardon was the closest she'd get to begging for anything.

Well, either way it would have been inappropriate. 'Mercy', 'compassion', 'sympathy' and 'pity' were terms and virtues which had been invented long after Ms Reprics' years of education at the academy.

Though pity was a foreign word to her she seemed to be capable of showing emotions like 'commiseration'. But it left a stale aftertaste nonetheless.

Ms Reprics had slapped Koschei's face as soon as he had started smiling again.

He simply shook his head and snapped at her fingers as she tried to raise her hand against him for a second time.

"You intended to say something" Ms Reprics tried to calm down and overact that she had been quite irritated by a student snapping at her. Her head had turned towards me without me even noticing it. She moved and ran like clockwork. Heartless. Lifeless. Cold.

"Oh, I guess you intended to intend Theta-Sigma to be a witness" smiled Koschei and popped his head to one side after I had searched and met his gaze. Ms Reprics snorted and separated several sheets of paper from the pile on her writing desk and adjusted them in the proper order. Though shortly afterwards she'd do nothing but hitting Koschei over the head with it.

"Stow it!" hissed Ms Reprics as she widened her livid eyes at me. I took a step backwards, looking forth and back between Ms Reprics and Koschei.

Both looked equally mad.

Regardless of the cause; both were mad, either owing to madness or fury. Back then it made no difference to me.

I blushed inevitably and stared down at my feet to evade Ms Reprics' piercing glare.

"I'm sorry, Miss" I whispered quietly.

"Speak up!" she commanded and grabbed me by the shoulders, pushing them backwards in order to straighten me up.

I nodded though it was hardly noticeable. "Yes Miss."

Ms Reprics narrowed her eyes again in order to give the impression of seriousness graveness.

"The books... or, to be more specific, that's what had been left of it had been discovered in Koschei's chaos..." she breathed out deeply while turning towards Koschei, probably secretly hoping that she'd be able to burn him with the hot breath blowing out of her nostrils. Koschei remained unmoved. "...which used to be a neat and tidy room as far as I'm concerned."

"You dare to invade my privacy?" asked Koschei and chuckled. I grasped his hands inevitably and our fingers touched only to get separated by Ms Reprics cane again. Koschei raised his right hand and pressed his index finger against his lips, tasting the blood that emerged from the laceration on it and sucking it out slowly.

I didn't know if Koschei didn't actually know that he was bugging Ms Reprics or if he didn't care if he did so. Either way I felt obliged to keep him from getting seriously injured by her.

Ms Reprics snorted and narrowed her sallow eyes on me again. "Theta-Sigma, if you dare to touch his hand once more without being properly requested to do so, you'll regret letting yourself ever get touched by your colleague." I lifted my head a bit to stare her in the eyes innocently.

But Ms Reprics retorted nothing, not even a glare.

"You invaded my privacy first by ruthlessly ripping the book into pieces and stealing the pages only to store them in your room."

"Two wrongs never make a right" replied Koschei calmly and grinned.

"It's a pity, though" sighed Ms Reprics, "it would be ideal. Two wrong making a right...the two wrongs whose bodies seem to be too shameful for the ground just to swallow them up... those wrongs that should actually just crawl under a rock" she stared down at us and I lowered my head again after seeing her lips forming the words "and die!" quietly.

I could hardly suppress the tears welling up in my eyes again.

"And how did you dirty your hands?" asked Ms Reprics in a low voice, her head clicking into the place to face me directly "What offence did you commit?"

I bit hard down on my lower lip.

"I stole the book" I whispered quietly. Ms Reprics waited unmoved; she didn't even seem to breathe.

"I stole the book" I repeated slightly louder and cleared my throat as the hot tears burnt in my eyes. There was no turning back, no going back now. "The book is shrouded in legends and somehow I couldn't resist... I know that it wasn't meant for my eyes for I'm unworthy to catch a glimpse of its pure wisdom and therefore I offer my sincere apologies. But I was eager for knowledge..."

Ms Reprics cane in my ribs cut me off in mid sentence and I pressed my hands against my ribcage, falling silent.

Koschei snorted. I felt his burning eyes on my back as Ms Reprics raised her cane again to place it on my right shoulder.

"Knowledge?" she repeated in a low voice, the greyish streaks in her eyes twisting and turning, "You were eager for knowledge?"

I nodded quietly and sealed my lips by pressing them against each other firmly.

"Then why didn't you steal "Of Future and Past"?" asked Ms Reprics and forced me down onto my knees by smashing the cane against my shoulder. I flinched and collapsed onto the ground.

Koschei watched Ms Reprics with quiet fascination. He wasn't going to help me, I knew.

Koschei was no help. And I hadn't him expected to be of help. But somehow I was shocked to see his lifeless eyes staring down at me. He wouldn't move. He didn't wince as he heard me painfully struggling for air.

He simply stood there. Ignoring or enjoying my punishment; either way I felt betrayed.

Though, actually I had been stupid. What did I expect him to do?

To defend me? To raise his voice against Ms Reprics? To push her away? To sooth me by telling me that everything was going to be alright?

I was ignorant back then.

But there sure had been another reason why I had longed for any signs of Koschei's affection for me. Though I had been too ignorant to realise it back then, too...

"Neakahla's book isn't part of the secret library because it's of no value; it's not even worth the paper it's been written on. It's kept locked away because it is pure nonsense and no one should have the opportunity to read it. It's kept away from those too ignorant to understand its true meaning; I tried to keep it out of reach of those who'd be endangered to believe what he'd written." I was still looking down on the ground and wouldn't dare to raise my head. "Neakahla was a fraud, an imposter and nothing more. He didn't even deserve to receive a doctorate. He was no doctor. He was a fool."

I felt tears running down my cheeks after I had looked Ms Reprics directly in the eye and replied a whispered "No!"

"You can't even defend yourself" countered Ms Reprics "What makes you think that you can defend an imbecile's honour?"

I shook my head and closed my eyes, squeezing more and more hot tears out of the corner of my shut eyes.

"You know why you didn't take "Of Future and Past"? asked Ms Reprics quietly and the thud of her cane hitting the floor echoed in her room. I wouldn't dare to move.

"Because you didn't steal Dr. Neakahla's script. Though I have reason to believe that you were uneducated enough to enjoy it. I know that Koschei took it. And you shouldn't lie for him."

I clenched my fists and looked sideways to recognise Koschei's watchful expression on his face. We exchanged glances quietly before he started smiling again.

You can't keep it to yourself, can you?

Koschei's voice inside my head made me jump back to my feet again. I pressed my hands on my forehead and shook my head.

Koschei, get out of my head!, I yelled in my mind, I told you to get out of here!

Koschei chuckled and met my gaze.

I like it in here, really.

I looked back and forth between Ms Reprics, who cocked a doubting eyebrow at me, and Koschei who wouldn't stop smiling as his burning eyes met mine.

But I told you to leave. You said you'd spare my mind if you'd have my body.

I always cheat. And I thought you knew that.

"Koschei!" I snapped and was about to go for his throat as Ms Reprics's cane stopped me halfway, primary by being smashed against my shins.

"Kneel down and keep your mouth shut!" ordered Ms Reprics and pushed the handle of the cane into my ribcage again. I yelped and fell down to my knees.

I hate you, Koschei!, I yelled in thought.

I sniffed quietly and buried my face in my hands. Ms Reprics placed her cane on one of Koschei's feet and pressed it down with increasing force. Koschei didn't even wince.

My sobbing was barely audible as I couldn't hold back my tears anymore.

I trusted you, Koschei!, I screamed in my mind, I trusted you!

You should have known better. You definitely should have known better, Theta. And I should definitely ask Ms Reprics to remove her cane, shan't I?

* * *

><p><em>Thanks again for all the reviews :) I'm always excited to read them.<em>


	34. Chapter 34

"Koschei, you lied to me! You lied to me!"

I felt hot beads strolling down my cheeks and struggled for air, whimpering with a tear-choked voice.

The thud of Ms Reprics' cane hitting the floor in front of me echoed in the room and I fell silent.

"Though I know of your little disgusting relationship, Koschei shouldn't be of particular interest to you for now" hissed Ms Reprics and tabbed her cane on my knees. "Safe it for later when no one is forced to watch you two copulate."

"I didn't... please, Miss I didn't...I never wanted...!" I tried to protest but was silenced by the sound of the cane striking at the floor.

"Did I ask for your opinion?" asked Ms Reprics as her voice became quieter. I shook my head and hung it in shame. No matter what I said it could only become worse. Ms Reprics had been right; I couldn't defend myself. Neither had I been able to defend myself against Koschei invading both my body and mind nor was I now able to defend myself against the almighty librarian of the secret library.

I felt Ms Reprics burning glare at my body; her eyes seemed to focus on my swollen abdomen once or twice before I'd shield it from her glare by pressing my hands over my stomach.

"Theta-Sigma, you're a disgrace."

Ms Reprics placed the cane on my shoulder again, moving between my neck and my upper arm.

"And I know that you're lying for Koschei. I know that he took the book. It has been discovered in his room, and though I'm convinced that you know what I'm thinking of you... and how I'd like to cast out those unsavoury cravings and urges to which you've succumbed...You never would have been stupid enough to lose the first page of the book, the first page that would expose you as a thief. You would have kept it to yourself; you never would have let anybody catch a glimpse of it. You're an introvert, an ignorant introvert; you've never been the one who needs to gain recognition. I know you very well, my dear Theta-Sigma. You keep it all to yourself. It's been this way since your first day at the academy." Ms Reprics was still tense, though some of her strain seemed to escape her body in order to whirl through the air. Ms Reprics seemed appeased; it appeared as if she had managed to calm herself. She strode towards the window and tapped at the wooden casement frame.

"After all I've done for you" she whispered quietly with a gloomy undertone "I'd really set my hopes on you. I'd really hoped you would stop yearning for this teratism's attention..."

"I'm sorry, Miss" I replied quietly and pressed my hands against my lower abdomen. The bulge felt harder with every day and hurt nearly as much as my back. My back had been killing me back then; I hadn't slept in days due to the backache which must have been caused by this...

I didn't know what had happened to me.

And I didn't know when it had started.

And I had denied for several weeks that my lower abdomen felt different. I had simply blocked out that I had felt... something. Something that seemed to be movable, something palpable. Something inside of me that changed my whole body...

"Do you know what it is?"

I raised my head to find Ms Reprics staring at me from her current place in the dim light of the window. She must have noticed that I had unintentionally leaned forward while gasping for air after experiencing several aggravating contractions. Severe abdominal cramps had become as normal as constant sickness and my reluctance towards eating.

I felt horrible. I felt ill. Really ill.

And there were only three reasons for not talking to anyone; but those were serious motives.

Firstly I wouldn't know who I'd turn to.

Secondly I was too ashamed of my deformed body. I felt terrible whenever I was forced to look at it; and I wouldn't wonder if everybody else felt the same way about it.

And furthermore: Deep down I was really scared. I knew that something was wrong. And I figured that I didn't want to know how far reaching it was.

"Do you know what it is?" repeated Ms Reprics.

I took a deep breath and evaded her gaze.

"It's a tumour, Miss" I replied quietly and lifted my head a bit to catch a glimpse of her face; Ms Reprics remained unmoved and waited for me to continue "Or at least, I think so, Miss. I don't know, Miss."

"Please explain in detail the grounds for your assumption" stated Ms Reprics in a low voice. It was lacking the usual spiteful undertone and thus encouraging me to continue.  
>"My abdomen feels hard and swollen. It's definitely an abnormal growth of tissue and it seems to form a mass. It's slightly moveable, it's very well palpable. I've had misgivings that it could be caused by malignant neoplasm...and some cancers can cause build-up of fluid within the chest or abdomen, too..."<p>

"And, may I ask, how did you come up with that? Where did you look up those symptoms?"

"I'm afraid I don't quite understand, Miss" I replied quietly and dug my nails into my thighs.

"How did you manage to detect and collate those symptoms?" Ms Reprics asked quietly.

"Dr. Neakahla's collected wisdom, Miss" I replied before covering my mouth with my hands again. Ms Reprics shook her head quietly. I continued nearly voiceless: "I read it, Miss. And I was the one who stole it."

Ms Reprics shook her head again and sighed.

Gosh, you're stupid Theta.

Koschei chuckled and raised his brows while staring at me. I retorted a death glare. But there was no stopping his voice in my head.

Ms Reprics thinks I am to blame. And you think you have to prove that black is white?

"Shut up, for God's sake!" I yelled at him and fought back the tears in my eyes "Won't you ever shut up?!"

You know, that Ms Reprics can't hear me. Don't defile yourself.

"I don't have to defile myself" I replied and swallowed, looking Koschei deeply in the eye "You already did."

Ms Reprics cane hit the floor in front of my knees. "Theta!" she yelled and narrowed her eyes on me. "I told you to keep your mouth shut when you're not ordered to speak!" She raised her cane and struck at my back. I winced in pain and bit my lower lip in order to keep me from screaming. Blood blazed a small trail down to my chin. I sobbed and wiped the tears out of my eyes.

"You used to be such a well behaved boy" hissed Ms Reprics between gritted teeth and looked down on me "Such a quiet and well behaved little boy."

"I'm sorry, Miss" I replied.

"And you know that you're a disgrace, don't you?" asked Ms Reprics.

I bit my lower lip again ant nodded. "Yes Miss."

"And you know that you're letting others down, you know that you're embarrassing others by your actions?"

"Yes Miss."

"And you think that others wouldn't notice?"

I owed her an explanation but didn't know what to reply.

"You think that others wouldn't notice when you're lying? You think that I don't know, Theta? You think I wouldn't know?"

Silence spread throughout the room.

Koschei stopped smiling.

Ms Reprics shook her head; her eyes reflected her disappointment.

"And when you're at your wit's end you fall silent. You're quiet. You're still."

I looked aside.

Koschei had stopped commenting and adding his two cents, physically as well as in my head. But I didn't wonder. He wouldn't try to understand things he didn't understand straightaway. And I was lost in thoughts he didn't bother to apprehend.

"Still waters run deep, you know. But they tend to run, don't they? And you did run, didn't you? Oh, Theta, don't be naive. Don't think that I don't know you. I know you. I know you too well. You've always been quiet. You've always kept quiet, Theta-Sigma. And I've thought you'd always keep quiet."

I snorted and breathed in deeply.

"I never thought I'd hear you raising your voice. And especially not against Koschei. But he did hurt you, didn't he? Otherwise you wouldn't have sounded so desperate."

I lifted my head and stared her in the face unintentionally.

Ms Reprics smiled and continued in order to make herself clear: "When your legs were resting on his shoulders; as you were still acting coyly even after spreading your legs for Koschei."

I blushed as tears filled my eyes again and looked down at the floor with a burning face.

"Oh, don't think that I didn't hear you. Both of you. How you refused to comply at first, Theta. Don't think I didn't hear you refusing Koschei; and then how you were pleading and begging him to stop. And finally your moaning and grunting, how both of you grunted full of relish..."

"Ms Reprics, I never meant to..." I tried to cut her off but Ms Reprics pressed the handle of her cane against my ribcage again; her eyes were alight as if flames would burst out of them any second now.

"You keep your little filthy mouth shut, you little bastard! I don't even want to know what services you've offered Koschei and what else you let yourself be used for. But believe me, Theta" she took a deep breath to vociferate those words "I don't want to know!"

I struggled for air and got to my feet again, staring at Ms Reprics with pleading eyes. "Ms Reprics I..." Her cane struck at my chest before Ms Reprics went on: "You never meant to be a disgrace, but look at you! You let yourself get used and abused by Koschei. You didn't even defend yourself against him. You couldn't! Because you enjoyed it! Because you couldn't get enough of him! You couldn't get enough of it!"

I stared at my feet; I felt a lump in my throat and swallowed hard.

"You couldn't stop letting yourself get tupped and humped by Koschei. You couldn't keep him from defiling you. And you couldn't keep yourself from savouring it."

* * *

><p><em>Ms Reprics sure can't stop degrading Theta... and yet there's worse to come...<em>

_Hop you enjoyed it. (and thanks again to Mabudachi-trio and Lastsyns for the reviews)_


	35. Chapter 35

"You enjoyed getting raped by Koschei! Don't deny that you enjoyed it!"

I don't remember what happened after Ms Reprics had said those words.

And it was probably nothing that happened.

I didn't do anything, I guess. I was immobile and numb.

I felt hollow.

The same words kept splashing around in my mind, the same thoughts over and over again.

I wish I were dead.

I wish I were dead.

I wish I were dead.

Koschei popped his head to one side and stared at me pitiful.

That's a terrible thing to say, Theta. I guess you shouldn't even be thinking those thoughts.

I ignored his voice in my head and let the tears find their trail down my cheeks.

"Ms Reprics, please..." I pleaded and stared at my feet.

"Not another word!" she interrupted me, causing me to close my eyes unintentionally "Speak when you're spoken to!" In a lower voice she added: "I don't want to hear another word from you, Theta!"

I nodded silently.

Ms Reprics grabbed the sheets of paper again and searched through them, commenting with small words only their content. I stood there, pale and lifeless.

I couldn't stop thinking the same things over and over.

I wish I were dead. I wish Koschei had suffocated me the night he had pushed my head into my pillow. I should have slipped off the roof the night I had sat there with Koschei. I should have been killed by a falling tree. I should have died long ago.

I should have been dead.

I should have died.

I shouldn't be forced to keep on living.

I sobbed.

"You poor sweet innocent thing, dry your eyes."

Ms Reprics hadn't raised her head and my sobbing wouldn't keep her from searching through her documents. The pain in my chest, provoked by her cruel remark, was worse than getting hit by her cane.

Ms Reprics was too redoubtable to be real. She simply was too heartless to be alive.

"Yes Miss" I replied finally and wiped the tears off my cheeks.

Ms Reprics took a deep breath and eyed me up sighing. She shook her head after catching a glimpse of the small, irritated and miserably creature her words had turned me into.

"Theta-Sigma will you keep claiming that you stole the book from the secret library, that no one but you usurped the forbidden script of Dr. Neakahla and will you swear that no-one apart from you dared to claim it to yourself?"

I sniffed quietly with wide open eyes and replied in a mere whisper: "I never wanted him to invade my body... I never wanted him to come near me... I never... I never wanted him..."

Ms Reprics sighed and let her cane thud the floor short-tempered.

"Do you insist on having stolen the book, Theta?!" Ms Reprics repeated impatiently. I nodded quietly. "But I never meant to... I never wanted to let him come between my legs... I never wanted... I..."

"Then you shall receive your justified punishment." Ms Reprics pushed the cane in my ribcage before turning towards Koschei.

"What do you have to confess?" she asked in a low voice and cocked an eyebrow at him.

Koschei popped his head to one side as if listening to an inner voice. His jaw dropped a bit. "Nothing" he replied with an earnest madness "I did nothing which hadn't come to your knowledge."

"So you read the book as well, I suppose" concluded Ms Reprics.

"If it's a sin to read a book at night on the roof of the academy then you shall call me a sinner" replied Koschei and chuckled, with his head still popped to one side.

"There aren't words in our beautiful language to describe a spoiled little rotten eyesore like you" countered Ms Reprics and raised her cane in order to strike out at Koschei.

He chuckled quietly before adding: "Nonetheless you've found quite a lot of them just now."

"Koschei, you shall be punished for your constant misbehaving and violation of the rules" explained Ms Reprics resolutely before turning to me "and you, Theta, you shall be punished for lying on behalf of a friend. I advise you to choose your friends more carefully. And that you think twice the next time you're going to protect someone from their nemesis."

Ms Reprics straightened up a bit.

"Your punishment shall be twenty cane strokes. You can sort out the quota yourself, I don't care about it. In my eyes both of you are equally guilty. You can either distribute per capita or individually; suit yourself."

I shrugged and hung my head in shame. Koschei smiled. None of us made a decision; therefore Ms Reprics chose in lieu of us.

"So be it. Ten cane strokes – each of you. I'd prefer five on the back and five to the front, if you don't mind; this way you won't be able to have a good night's rest on either your back or your stomach."

She turned her head and looked in my direction, narrowing her eyes once more on me: "And to you, Theta-Sigma: you should definitely rethink your decisions. You should really think about it if it was worth getting punished for lying on behalf of Koschei. I know that he stole the book but if you prefer to be penalised... Each to their own."

Ms Reprics grabbed Koschei shoulder and pushed him down on his knees. "Who wants to be first? Or would you prefer it in turns?" She squatted down beside us and looked back and forth between me and Koschei. I pushed my fingers with intensifying pressure against my lower abdomen and wouldn't dare to raise my head. "Do you want to face each other? How about you, Theta? Do you want to look Koschei in the eye? Do you want to be reminded whom you're doing this for while you're being punished?"

I remained motionless and bit my lower lip again.

"Oh, so silent" mumbled Ms Reprics while getting back to her feet again "so quiet and meek. Now he's silent. And you wouldn't think that he can be screaming, that he can be moaning with pleasure and begging his mating partner for more..."

I sobbed quietly and dug my nails through the fabric into my skin.

She's hurting you. And she knows that she's hurting you, otherwise she wouldn't be saying it, Theta.

I lifted my head a bit and nodded towards Koschei who popped his head to one side again to face Ms Reprics and looked askance at her.

"Let's get it over with" Koschei smirked all of a sudden and disturbed Ms Reprics to such as an extent that she hit him with her cane unintended.

She shook her head and mumbled quiet maledictions I probably wouldn't have understood at that young age.

Ms Reprics had decided on giving me the cane first and struck at my front, causing me to yelp in pain and collapse onto the ground. I whimpered and sobbed and wouldn't remove my hands from my injured and hurting stomach, not even after Ms Reprics had ordered me to and had given me several strokes on the hands. After realising her incapability after striking with increasing force at my fingers while I wouldn't comply but only shield my injured body with cramping fingers from her attempts to hurt me she had to come to the conclusion that she wouldn't be able to keep me from covering my abdomen. Without giving it much thought Ms Reprics started kicking at my body, buried her foot in my chest and thereby managed to roll me onto my stomach. She distributed the remaining five cane strokes while my body twitched uncontrollably and I tried to cower away hopelessly.

After having received my punishment I was allowed to get back to my feet. I wouldn't move, however. My lower abdomen hurt. I wasn't even able to have clear thoughts anymore.

It hurt. My abdomen hurt and burnt.

I closed my eyes and flinched while touching the burning skin through my garment. Tears welled up in my eyes again.

Koschei put up with the cane strokes quietly. Ms Reprics stroked at him until she would hear cracking noises from his rib cage and seemed to be disappointed that Koschei didn't even flinch. I opened my eyes slowly and stared in his still grinning, mad face. As if he didn't feel any pain. As if he wouldn't feel anything.

You got that wrong, Theta. I don't feel anything.

You're still in my head, Koschei?, I thought weak and sat up at the cost of huge efforts.

I feel nothing, Theta. Nothing is always around me. The void won't ever leave me.

Koschei you're not making any sense.

There is always nothing. Nothing's around me. And it won't ever change.

Ms Reprics ordered both of us to stand up and I was surprised to find Koschei reaching for my hand as I struggled to get to my feet again. Ms Reprics' cane whizzed through the air in order to separate our entwined fingers again, but Koschei didn't even wince as he felt the burning pain at his wrist; if he felt anything.

I had always wondered if Koschei had ever experienced pain or if the void would shield him from it, if he was endangered of getting injured or harmed. Either way, I had envied him. And I guess I never stopped envying him for his analgesia.

"You've received your punishment" explained Ms Reprics and let her cane thud on the floor "For now. I will inform the headmaster myself concerning the theft and the cover-up committed by you."

To my surprise Ms Reprics handed my Dr. Neakahla's script, with the first page that Koschei had lost still missing from it.

"You think you're so clever" mumbled Ms Reprics and narrowed her eyes on me again "you're mistaking Dr. Neakahla for a real physician. I'm aware that you know that he's been a surgeon. And I assumed that you'd think that you know everything that you need to know in order to become a physician yourself now."

"I never wanted to be a doctor" I replied quietly only to hear Ms Reprics' cane thudding the floor.

"Well, you can prove yourself now. You can keep the book and I'll submit an application and thereby request the headmaster's approval for further punishment; if you're sure that Dr. Neakahla was a competent surgeon you can prove it by cutting out that tumour from your lower abdomen yourself." I froze in shock and she turned her head towards Koschei: "Of course he can assist you. You're both equally guilty."

Ms Reprics faced my again by pulling my head up so that I'd be forced to meet her glare.

"Did you get that, Theta? I want you to experience it on your own flesh; I want you to learn it the hard way; I want you to know what it means to make the wrong decisions. I want you to regret lying for Koschei."

I nodded quietly and Ms Reprics released her grip and wiped her fingers on her dress. Then she lowered herself onto her chair and started smudging on an empty sheet. I held Dr. Neakahla's script with twitching fingers and felt tears welling up in my eyes as soon as I'd come to the realisation that I'd probably need its help more than anything else in my life soon.

I've always wanted to be inside of you Theta. And I wouldn't mind if I could feel your warm intestines with my fingers.

I turned towards Koschei and slapped him in the face.

"You're disgusting!" I yelled with a tear-choked voice and started crying again.

Ms Reprics raised her head and handed Koschei a folded paper.

"Deliver it to the headmaster as soon as possible" she commanded quietly "and now get out of here!"


	36. Chapter 36

Koschei had left the room and the voice in my head had faded likewise.

I gasped for air while sobbing and arose quietly, expecting that Ms Reprics would order me to leave as well in the near future.

No. I HOPED that she'd let me leave. I hoped that she'd let me escape.

Ms Reprics stared me in the face, her opaque grey eyes glistening with excitement; she looked me over quietly and rather earnestly.

"Listen, Theta..." Ms Reprics had placed her hands on my shoulders and moved over to her writing desk with me "...I know what _it_ is. I know it. And you'll be in serious trouble if anybody else finds out. I mean it. You're not allowed to attend the academy when you're... deformed like this. Just keep your mouth shut, as always, and keep away from Koschei. Don't speak about it; don't touch it."

I nodded quietly and stared her with frightful eyes.

"So it is severe" I mumbled worriedly, eyes still wide open.

Ms Reprics nodded barely noticeable. "You've had it if anyone comes to notice. So keep your mouth shut. And your legs likewise."

I don't know if she'd actually said that. Maybe she had only repeated "Keep your mouth shut". I can't remember.

And I hadn't even been paying attention; I had been too disturbed. I was scared to death.

"Is it lethal?" I blurted out nervously and nearly cut her off. "Am I contagious?"

"I hope not" was Ms Reprics answer and she was about to continue when I bursted out:

"Will it kill me?"

"Only if you let it kill you" replied Ms Reprics a bit unnerved and added authoritatively "Mark my words, Theta-Sigma: Don't tell anybody about it. Shield yourself from other's views. Don't touch it. Don't feel it. And it will be over in a few months... well, weeks, if you're lucky."

I nodded my ascent and took a deep breath.

Ms Reprics had ordered me to leave her bureau, but I stopped in the doorframe before opening the door.

"Can't I get rid of it?" I asked panic-fuelled and my frightened voice unsettled Ms Reprics; she turned her head around and noticed the scared look on my face. "It's a tumour, isn't it? Why do I have to keep it inside of me? Can't I just cut it out? It can't just vanish, can it?"

Ms Reprics eyes opened slowly and she seemed strangely enlightened.

"No, of course not" she mumbled lost in thought "I'm afraid it would be rather inadequate to advise you to cut it out." She placed her hands on my shoulders once more. "All the blood... the gashes and the gaping wounds..."

"So I can't do anything?" I asked irritated and fought back the tears one more time.

"Oh, you could... really, you could..." explained Ms Reprics quietly, a small fire sparking off in her eyes "You've heard about old traditions before, haven't you? Old believes, estimations and rites...Do you know what people used to do with a ganglion cyst they had discovered on their bodies?"

Ms Reprics took a step forward to meet my scared gaze.

"They hit it. They hit it with a large book. And sooner or later it would vanish."

Ms Reprics moved closer once more. "Are you a believer, Theta? Do you believe in old traditions and ancient customs?"

I didn't dare to reply; neither did I dare to show a reaction of any sort.

"Hit it and it will disappear" she chuckled quietly.

"Or let Koschei hit it. He doesn't hesitate to hurt you, does he?" concluded Ms Reprics while hustling me over the door sill.

"Just keep hitting it and it will disappear."

Anything you hit will disappear. Sooner or later. In the end it's gone. Either if it's a living being or just something that annoys you. In the end it's gone, it's all gone.

I never wasted a thought on Ms Reprics words ever again.

I tried to deny the fact that I've ever been in her library. I tried to convince myself that I hadn't even been trespassing it in order to steal the book.

Ms Reprics application concerning the surgery I would have been forced to perform on myself had been considered but rejected. The headmaster and other councillors had unanimously agreed that being cut open by Koschei was equivalent to executing the death warrant on somebody. Or worse.

Ms Reprics never asked me for the book again. And I wouldn't speak to her on my own accord ever again.

Therefore I kept it. And I guess I have it still in my possession.

_The Doctor opened his eyes. "No, Theta. I've given it to Dr. Malohkeh. He was in dire need of it."_

_The Doctor looked around to find himself still lying in his bed. He seemed to be alone. No Martha had been shouting his name so far or bugged him with questions concerning how he'd felt._

_He tried to sit up._

Oh no, you don't!

_The Doctor felt his muscles twitching and wasn't able to move._

_"__Theta, what are you doing?" he asked the voice inside his head._

You're not getting away like this. You're sick. You're staying. And you won't be able to get to your dear companion before it's too late.

_"__Too late for what?" hissed the Doctor between gritted teeth before struggling for control over his body._

Before you're back in my memories.

_"__Theta, stop that nonsense! You can't win! Theta! Theta!"_

Go back to sleep 'Doctor'. You're tired. Can't you feel it, 'Doctor'? You need rest. Lots of rest.

_"__Theta!" the Doctor managed to sit up but became unbalanced soon and fell out of his bed, his head hitting the floor as everything around him turned dark._

Lots of rest, 'Doctor'. Eternal rest.

_Theta, you can't get away with this. You're dead._

I'll just try. What would you do, 'Doctor'? Wouldn't you give it a try?

_I know my place._

You never did, 'Doctor'. And by the way: Why didn't you keep my name? I'm still not very comfortable with your name. Calling you 'Doctor'... I never wanted to be a doctor. Actually you're no real doctor, either, am I right?

_The Doctor couldn't think straight anymore while Theta managed to meld their minds._

You would have given it a try, wouldn't you, 'Doctor'? Wouldn't you?

Trying meant failure.

And I was a failure. So I tried as often as I could.

Maybe the phrase 'It's worth a try' has been used too frequently in my childhood. Or it was in my nature. Running and trying. Trying and running. Or trying to run.

And I ran. I always ran. By the time I'd turned seventeen I ran from everything. Even from Koschei. I guess my father would have been proud of me if he'd known it.

I had finally run away from Koschei. He'd entered my room and had tried to nail me down on my bed; he'd tried to hump me, as always. And I had pushed him off and had run away.

Well, I had been forced to flee by using the window and I had escaped over the roof. But I had run away. I had run away from the trouble, from my weak spot, from my threat: Koschei.

If only it hadn't been too late...


	37. Chapter 37

When I'd been a child I had loved sleeping in the open air, under the beautiful glistening stars that had guided me night for night. Somehow they guarded and protected me. I didn't know why and I didn't even know how they'd manage that. But somehow you're feeling more confident about things you've made up yourself as long as you're a child.

And I had really missed the stars at the academy. I had really missed them.

I hadn't exchanged a word with Koschei after the incident with Ms Reprics. I avoided going into my room and failed to appear or refused to attend several subjects, especially those where I would have been forced to see either Ms Reprics or Koschei. Though with Koschei it was of no use; he was everywhere around me.

So, I tried to evade the issue by not sleeping in my room anymore. I slept under the stars, watching them night after night with tears in my eyes, wondering what I had become.

I wouldn't want to be seventeen again, seriously not. Even if it wouldn't be on Gallifrey, seventeen is a hell of an age. You're too old to be naive and too young to be adult or at least nearly grown up. It's neither youth nor adolescence, though it can be described with one word: terrible. Being seventeen was simply terrible.

I'd never felt that bad in my whole life ever again. And I was in a war.

I knew that Koschei was still occupying my room. So I had no choice but to abandon my books and my belongings to their fate and wouldn't set foot in my four walls ever again. Or at least I hoped I never had to do so.

I couldn't stand the sight of Koschei. I simply couldn't.

I didn't know why. He'd hurt me. Of course he'd hurt me.

Life with Koschei had always been about getting hurt by him.

At first I'd thought that I had felt abashed because he'd hurt me intentionally and I hadn't been able to either realise it before it had been too late or manage to struggle against it and shake him off. Though I had probably hit him more often that night than I had done it in my whole life ever before, and definitely more determined, I hadn't managed to keep him from poking fun at me for being weak and inferior; and I hadn't been able to discourage him from poking me in general, likewise.

I sighed and stared into the gleaming sky.

I lay on the academy's roof and my gaze had drifted off, far away into the never ending, endlessly spreading space.

The sky was alight. It had burst into bloom, if you could have said that about a sky.

At least to me it looked as if the sky had been ablaze with lights; it had been new born and spread its colourfully shimmering mist across the universe.

In a few days there would be a supernova, I assumed. But due to the fact that my books and scripts on astronomy were still trapped inside my room, along with those books which had mainly focused on the topic of astrology, I hadn't been able to look up this spectacular celestial phenomenon.

And I believed in stargazing. I believed in reading the future in stars; I believed in stars.

Koschei had been wrong. He'd always been wrong, all these years. Life wasn't about knowing what to do with other things. It was about knowing other things; or getting to know them. A constellation didn't have to have any meaning at all. Maybe it had found meaning for itself, but I didn't care about that. Nothing had to mean anything to you; you weren't supposed to use and abuse things as you pleased; though Koschei got away with it very well.

All that had mattered to him the past years since our childhood had been how I could have been useful; in what ways he could use me; how I could make his boring and uninteresting life more delightful.

For Koschei life was a game. A game, everything was nothing more but a game and he was ready to play. And he was so playful. He'd always wanted to play. Play at fate, for instance. Or playing with his toys, his beloved toys. Life was a game for Koschei and all living creatures around him were toys. Nothing more but toys. And I was one of his favourite.

Life was a game. It was either win or lose.

And worst of all: he cheated all the time.

I shuffled a bit and rested my head against one of the chimneys. I no longer feared falling off the roof. I guess sometimes I'd even wished for accidently tripping and plummeting. If it at least looked like an accident I wouldn't have been forced to leave the academy after regenerating; suicide wasn't what you would have called highly appreciated. In fact individuals that had dared to take their own life, which was usually nothing more but a very bad attempt to watch blood spurt out of your body or have a quiet different look at reality if you managed to achieve a broken neck, had usually been punished and expelled from normal life due to the defilement of the race.

And those who'd succeeded in killing themselves hadn't been buried; it was thought to be terrible bad luck to return something to the earth that had obviously neither wanted to stay on it nor had the earth wanted to take it back.

Anyway, it required failing while achieving what you wanted. Or achieving while failing. I didn't know the difference. But I didn't know about suicide; which was a strange thing to think. I felt as if it had been over for me and it certainly didn't feel like the worst had been over; it hadn't even really started.

I had looked at suicide with the eyes of an innocent child, at least with still being seventeen. To me it was nothing but a short cut of life. Well, as long as you didn't succeed in accidently actually killing yourself. Then it was obviously over.

And I guess I never really wanted to end my life like this. I never wanted to end it at all. That's just something that could be considered as being natural for every being. You don't understand life. You don't know when it starts and you definitely don't know when or where it ends. But you know that you want to keep on trying.

You have no choice. There is no easy way out.

Killing yourself meant regenerating. It meant a re-start, a new attempt, if you wish.

Succeeding at taking your own life would have been stupid. This way you wouldn't get a second chance.

I sighed again and searched the sky.

It was a strange feeling lying awake at night while wondering if I'd get to get eighteen and still being myself. I never knew if I'd reach that age before regenerating for the first time.

And I felt stupid for even considering it.

I didn't want to die. I didn't want to fall off the roof, I tried to convince myself. I simply wanted the bad impacts on my life to disappear.

But they wouldn't. They would simply refuse to vanish.

They were here to stay.

Or to sit, to be more specific.

In fact they were sitting right behind me and lowering their hands on my shoulders in order to administer me the shock of my life.

Koschei had found me.

And he was out to play.


	38. Chapter 38

Instinctively I tried to rise but got pushed back onto the shingles instantly by Koschei, who'd probably thereby kept me from slipping off my up-till-now save position on the roof.

I hurled Koschei's hands away on an instant and turned my head around so quickly I even must have scared him.

"Koschei what are you doing?" I yelled at him and held on to the chimney. I was furious; and I knew that I'd not only lose my temper but my balance likewise, as well literally as physically. Before Koschei had managed to reply anything I had continued shouting at him: "Get away from me!"

Koschei's malicious grin stared right back at me; his white teeth twinkled against the velvety dark sky.

"What are you doing?" I repeated uneasy and tried crawling further away from him. Koschei put his head to one side and gave me an innocent stare. If anything about him had ever been innocent...

"Oh" he muttered quietly with wide open eyes "I don't do anything. I grant you're the one who's currently doing things, as fearing me and wishing I were dead... or at least not on the safe roof as you are." He chuckled. He chuckled as innocently as a child could chuckle. He didn't intend to be ferocious; and I guess some of us are actually born ill-natured. No, he was nothing more but a child's mind in an adult's body. With all its benefits and its disadvantages.

I inspected him and my eyes slipped further down; I closed my eyes instantly after catching a glimpse of his groin.

A child trapped in a man's body. Nothing evil to be found in there - no Koschei wasn't evil. He definitely wasn't evil. He was driven by instincts.

A child relies on instincts. And what its' been told by its parents. That's all. I never knew that much about children, I guess. You don't always have to have anything to be either good or bad at it. For instance, I'd never had a violin. And therefore I'd never played it. But I couldn't say that I would have succeeded in playing the violin just if I'd been lucky to have one.

The same it is with children, I assume. Just because you happen to have them, or accidently managed to protrude something like children, doesn't mean that you're an expert on them. Well, to wit it doesn't even necessarily mean that you know anything about children at all. Especially not their upbringing. Or how you're supposed to take care of them.

I guess I would have been a horrible parent. Well, in some way I'd been a parent. Somehow. At least the so-called 'Doctor' believes that he's had children. In a way, I assume, they're my own flesh and blood. Or something like that.

But I don't care about it.

Deep-down I don't care.

I don't want children. I never wanted children. And I knew why.

Koschei was a child and he was more than annoying. His sheer presence had been enough to unnerve me. He needed all my attention. He longed for my approval while pushing the limits further and further. My limits. Or me, in general. Always pushing me around.

I smiled faintly at the mad grin on the opposite of me.

Koschei was a child and that was what made it so hard for me. It made it so goddamn hard for me to say "No" to something. I'd never wanted to disappoint him. I'd always wanted him to be satisfied with me. Though with his grown up body satisfaction was to be found in quite different ways, compared to the things I'd done in my childhood to delight him.

Imagining Koschei as a child was disgusting. Children had no reason. And that had been Koschei's basic principle. Because you had nothing more than the "basic" things with children.

Children were basic – it wouldn't take much to make them smile.

Children were ignorant – they didn't know any better.

Children were easy – they only wanted what they couldn't have.

Children had no reason – they only did as they pleased.

But I tended to forget that children were most of all one thing.

Cruel.

And I had to face a cruel child on rough terrain who's strenght exceeded the normal limits.

Koschei had snuggled up against me. He rubbed his face against my shoulder, crawling nearer and nearer. I broke my nails while holding on to the chimney in despair. Koschei showed a tendency to behave like a neat animal lately. I never would have compared him to a cat. Mostly because I knew, and I knew from experience, that cats did all they did on purpose. Well, actually on purrpose (in case you'd excuse the joke). Cats were mean. Children were just cruel.

Children gained nothing from hurting you. They simply wanted to have their will. Cats seemed to be pleased about hurting you with their teeth and claws. They gained enjoyment from it.

Koschei hadn't showed me his claws.

He'd simply snogged me, as always. Coming closer and closer, rubbing his face against my body, feeling my cold skin under my tight clothes.

He behaved animalistic. I suspect he thought it to be last resort to gain my attention. Though I had shouted at him first I had stopped paying attention towards him. And Koschei was in dire need for attention.

Koschei tried to be cute. Cruel but cute. And he managed it quite well, I had to admit.

Unintentionally I stroked his hair.

There he was like I'd known him; like I'd always loved him.

Soft and tender.  
>Soft and smooth.<br>Soft and fluffy.  
>Soft and warm.<br>Soft... and hard.

I backed away as soon as Koschei had pulled my hand down and let it reach for his crotch. He dominated my fingers, demanding them to stroke his rising erection likewise.

I tried to face him but couldn't turn my head. Koschei had had snuggled his face against my neck and was now down to biting me. Animalistic, as already mentioned before. If nothing else helped bury your fangs in something you want to hold still.

I hissed curses between gritted teeth as Koschei pressed my hand down; I felt his limb pulsating under my touch; I felt his pulse throughout his throbbing cock.

I gritted my teeth.

I was more than a push and pull-along toy.

I shook my head ferociously and got rid of Koschei's teeth in my neck while grunting and screaming; I struggled for air and panted, facing him fury-eyed.

"What do you think you're doing?!" my question was nothing more than an enraged hiss.

Koschei popped his head to one side and opened his mouth before speaking, staring starry-eyed as well as motionless at me. Then he decided better not to reply what had currently been on his mind and nibbled on my ear. I smacked him across the face, feeling my own hand burning after hitting him quick-reacting.

"What are you doing?" I asked and pulled myself together in order not to scream too loud "Do you think I want you around me? Do you think I enjoy your presence?"

"First, you try to fuck it. Then you try to eat it." I stared at his honest face with a dropped jaw and my mouth open. Believing, that he even thought that he was making sense right now...

"...if it hasn't learned your name you better kill it, before they see it."

"Koschei" I slapped his face again unbelievingly "Koschei you're talking nonsense!" I guess I hoped that I'd somehow manage to reproduce the old Koschei, my Koschei, the Koschei I'd loved and known. Not the senseless monster in front of me.

"As always" snapped Koschei and grinned. "NO, not as always" I contradicted him "You're making less and less sense."

"Don't you remember it?" asked Koschei and put his head to the other side while pulling a face contemplatively "We read this poem. It was by your reverend, this human reverend you somehow had lost interest in over the past few years. Don't you remember it, Theta? He's had a revelation, a divine revelation concerning the end of the world. An apocalypse for the human race..."

"Stop quoting him!"I yelled at Koschei and thereby silenced him instantly "You're not worth quoting him!" "But he wasn't even a real reverend" Koschei went on "he'd constructed the church he was reverend of himself." "Even if he was no reverend he was still a poet. He was a human poet and a lyricist" I snapped feeling the tears welling up again in my eyes "And you're... you're just mad! What can you say for yourself? You're plainly mad!"

"Don't play innocent Theta" Koschei grinned grimly "Don't say you never knew."

"I always knew" I replied while hitting his chest in order to keep him away from my body, pushing him off and aside me.

I sobbed and crawled away slowly, keeping Koschei from following me by kicking at him if he dared to reach for me.

"I always knew that you were mad" I held on to the eaves gutter and shinned down slowly.

"But until now I'd never cared about it."


	39. Chapter 39

Secrets.

To me life was a secret. But not as in 'a secret life'. Life itself was a mystery to me. Somehow it started and when you got adjusted to it, it would somehow soon end.

It's easy reflecting on secrets when you're nothing more but a voice inside a head.

Alright, even in that case it's hard.

Life was a mystery to me and keeping secrets, keeping quiet, wouldn't definitely change it for the better. Sometimes I guess I should have told... I just should have told... someone...

"If you have it you want to share it; if you share it you haven't got it."

Back home I probably would have given the wrong answer to that one. On Gallifrey the right solution to this riddle would have been "monogamy" (search me why; I figured that the only strange things which you kept passing on were rare diseases and cheap jokes).

Years later I heard the same sentence but with a different answer: a secret.

The answer was a secret; which is funny when you come to think about it.

Apparently a lot of things sound funny when you come to think about it when you find yourself trapped in the weakening body of an old Time Lord who might not win his struggle against you invading his memory and his mind.

But time will tell. It always does.

If life kept a secret from you, there was 'time' as a solution. Time always tells. It can't keep secrets; at least not forever. Time knows patience; time can wait. Time is always waiting for the right moment to snap at you; always watching, always waiting.

I had kept my secrets. I hadn't talked. I hadn't fought. I hadn't protected myself neither did I dare to tell my father that Koschei had come between my legs.

I knew that I had disappointed it. And I was grieving; I didn't know why but I was grieving.

My world was turning upside down and inside out; good wasn't bad but neither was bad good. Koschei scared me; I felt small beads of sweat protruding from my skin as soon as I'd catch a glimpse of his mad grin. I felt that I needed to keep away from him.

But not because I was scared of him hurting me once again. I knew that he would come and deal with my body as he pleased whenever it would cross his mind. I wouldn't be able to shield me from him. But I knew that I had to shield something...

I lay in my bed; my ankles knotted together pathetically with a piece of rope.

I was anxious. I was scared.

Ms Reprics words kept echoing in my head. I hadn't dared to touch my abdomen more often than it had been necessary. I didn't wonder that my clothes wouldn't fit like they used to do but I was glad enough that they concealed most of my deformed body. I felt so ugly. Well, I guess, in fact I was ugly. And I felt as bad as I looked. I was ugly. I was disgusting.

I stared down at my swollen abdomen while pressing my hands down against the cold sheets; I felt sweaty and feverish. I hadn't been able to sleep during the past nights due to the pain in my back and the rising uneasiness. I felt my abdominal wall stretching around the growing tumour; night after night I became more and more anxious; I would wake up whimpering and tossing and turning, smashing the palms of my hands against my chest. Though Ms Reprics had me advised of doing so, I never dared to actually hit my enlarged abdomen. I'd never heard of bashing as a form of medical treatment. And I couldn't believe that tumours got thereby better. In fact I feared that the malignant neoplasm that kept growing in my body would spread if I'd accidently manage to disaggregate it.

I felt my hands reaching for my lower abdomen and I stroked my stretch marks covered skin absent-mindedly.

I felt so ugly. I felt terrible.

A word came to my mind; a word Ms Reprics had used as she'd caught Koschei snogging me in a small storeroom.

She had glared at me and mumbled the same word over and over again.

"Attaint" she had called me. "Attaint."  
>And after that, of course, she had hit both Koschei and me with her cane and shooed us away from the room she locked up right after the incident.<p>

I had looked the word up with Koschei; somehow it hadn't meant much to me. She had called me a disgrace, an eyesore, a stain or a shame before. And things that had sounded much, much more worse in my young and innocent eyes, too.

And yet it dawned on me that "attaint" was actually the worst. It indicated stigma.

In her eyes I was nothing more but an insult to our highly developed species itself.

Being an attaint meant not only being a disgrace; it justified others looking down on you. It was not only a stigma; it was bound to stigmatize you.

I had never talk to Koschei about my rising uneasiness; the dwelling malaise. I knew that I couldn't trust him. And I knew that I never should have.

Koschei was bound to hurt me, I knew that. Sooner or later he'd hurt me seriously and probably more gravely than I would ever have imagined.

It was no secret. I was doomed to fall. I was doomed to lose.

Or at least it felt like this when I heard the window opening behind me.

"I don't want to see you!" I shouted into the night air after turning my head around; I had instantly sat up and bended my knees while staring at the starry sky where a head would appear soon. "Go away!"

"Oh, you don't have to see me, Theta" replied Koschei chuckling and a mad grin appeared in my window frame right before a pair of glistening amber-coloured eyes. "It's rather dark, I expect, you won't even see me."

"Koschei, keep away from me!" I yelled at him with my remaining strength. My hands had clutched at my stomach unnoticed. I was standing at my door, glaring back at Koschei. I wouldn't let myself get forced into something once more. And most of all I wouldn't let him force himself into me ever again.

"I said go away!" I screamed and tightened my grip on my own clothes.

My hearts were pounding like mad. I was somehow instinctively agitated. I sensed it. I felt it. I had to do... something. It couldn't stop right there, I couldn't let it all happen. I just couldn't!

Koschei crawled into my room over the window sill and dropped to the floor.

"You don't mean it, Theta" he replied while chuckling "and I know it. You can't send me away. You want me to be with you. Forever..." He arose from the ground as my hands searched for the door handle in the dark. "You won't keep me away. At least not for long. You want to play with me. You've always wanted to play with me. All these games that had scared your father. All the things he knew I'd do to you when he wasn't around... oh, it scared him. It scared him so badly that he would tell you to tie your legs together, didn't he? Tell me he did, Theta, tell me he did! He was the one who'd scare you, not me. He frightened you at nights while I was the one to comfort you. He turned tables. He could have been your guardian. But instead he'd been your guard."

"I don't want to hear it!" I yelled at him and finally got a grip on the handle. I flung it open and tumbled out into the corridor. "Get out of my life, Koschei! And don't you ever dare coming back! Get out of here!" Koschei's back was rested against the door frame. He smiled at me viciously.

"Oh, you can't keep me out of your life, Theta" he replied while shaking his head smilingly "I'll always be a part of you. I'll always be inside of you."

There was mumbling at the end of the corridor and small lights flickered as doors opened and students, which had currently had a rude awakening due to some other student's shouting, gathered around slowly.

"Koschei!" I yelled at him "Get out of my life."

Koschei straightened up a bit as he felt other student's eyes on him. "Try running, Theta" he grinned like made, his grin becoming broader every moment "You've always been good at running. I'll give you a head start and... we'll see..." He chuckled as I stood in front of him, frightened to death. I was unable to move and would only flinch as Koschei moved forward and touched one of my clenched fists. "Run" he ordered "Run for your life, Theta!"

My instincts kicked in and I turned around, rushing through the murmuring students, which would pave way for me as soon as I'd come near them.

Attaint meant stigma. You don't touch those who'd been stigmatized.

The students wouldn't dare to touch me; they kept away from me as much as possible under the circumstances.

Koschei behind me was still enjoying himself, his laughter echoed around the corridors and hallways.

"Run, Theta! Run"

I rushed through the gates of the academy and breathed the cold night air in deeply. I ran. I kept on running. I ran as fast as I could and wouldn't stop, I wouldn't turn around to see if Koschei was following me. I knew that he'd catch up with me soon anyway.

The bulge in my body hurt. I tried running, I ran as fast as possible. But it hurt. My legs seemed to jerk in a strange way whenever I felt the stinging pain in my lower abdomen.

But I couldn't be stopped by that. Nothing could stop me.

I ran. From Koschei. From Ms Reprics. From the academy.

I felt tears trailing down my cheeks as I reached hills I hadn't set foot on in years, as I rushed through small forests, the leaves of the silver trees rustling gently above.

I kept on running. And I'd never stop, I'd never look back, I'd never...

The path in front of me was enlightened as the supernova above me celebrated its awakening. Indescribable colours bursting out, swirling through the endless black velvet space and small sparks of pure energy emerging from a dying planet's last spectacle.

I sobbed barely audible and turned my head up slowly, while ensuring that I wouldn't slow down. I was lucky to be on one of the highest mounds around right now, watching the breathtaking collision of a million billion energy enriched particles that would protrude the most beautiful occurrence there was to find in the whole universe.

And I wish I could have enjoyed it. I wish I could have stopped.

I wish I wouldn't have neared the houses so soon. I would have wanted to stay there a while longer. I never wanted to go that fast, I never wanted to come near the housing estate.

I never wanted to reach our neighbours houses.

And I never wanted to arrive at my parent's house, covered in sweat and panting, reaching for the doorknob and twisting and turning it flustered before collapsing against the yielding door and stumbling into my parent's living-room when someone had left the lights on at night.

No, not like that at all.


	40. Chapter 40

But it happened like this nonetheless.

There I was, standing in the door frame, soaked in sweat, tired, tears trailing down my cheeks while I sobbed and panted heavily. My eyes were fixed on the ground; I stared at the floor and lifted my head slowly while gasping for air.

I had run; I hadn't stopped running, I had kept on running and running and... I breathed in deeply; I had a hard time standing in an upright position on my own two feet.

And then I caught a glimpse of the feet in front of me.

Terrified I raised my head and stared into a pair of frightened eyes, eyes that revealed possibly even more terror than mine reflected in my current state of mind.

And I was forced to see it again.

My father's face. My father's terrified and pale face.

I struggled for air but couldn't produce anything apart from sobbing and yipping sounds. My sight became a blurred vision as hot tears shot into my eyes and ran down my burning cheeks.

My father looked down on me; he couldn't take his eyes off my swollen abdomen, the bulge that had defined my body for the past few weeks. I wiped my tears away and closed the door behind me without turning around.

My father couldn't take his eyes off my bulged stomach and stared at me, his horrified expression frozen in his face.

The shocked silence wouldn't end. I heard a clock ticking in my parent's living-room and turned my head instinctively; but nothing was there to distract me, nothing would help me to survive the worst moment of my life.

My father stared at me. He just couldn't stop staring at me, with his mouth slightly open and a gaze that made me cry; my father's watering eyes still made me cry, with my bloody seventeen years they still made me cry.

I sobbed and was about to sink down onto my knees as my father's hands reached for me and held me by the shoulders. I searched his gaze, helplessly and terrified I searched his gaze; but I didn't find anything. I wouldn't find comfort, I wouldn't find hope.

Just bare embarrassment. Plain dismay.

The tears on my cheeks seemed to vaporise as they streamed down over my blushed skin. I had blushed; out of sheer embarrassment I had blushed. I was too ashamed, I was too abashed, simply to shameful to even dare to raise my head properly to meet my father's deprecating stare.

I had dishonoured him, felt it; I had brought shame upon the family. And I didn't know why. And I didn't know how. And I didn't know what I could have done against it.

"I'm sorry" I muttered barely audible "I'm so sorry..."

My father intensified his grip on my shoulders, causing me to wince and howl in pain. I sniffed and didn't dare to look him in the eye.

I had deceived him. I had let him down.

I wasn't worth looking him in the face directly.

I felt more compassion for him than I felt for me.

I was no son of his. My father had no son. Just an ugly and deformed creature he was shaking and laying his hands on right now.

He'd meant anything to me. I'd never wanted anything but to make him proud. He had to be proud of me. I had always wanted to make him feel that, even though I was their only child... at least till now... that he could have been proud of me. That he wouldn't have to worry about me. That he could simply say "This is my son" not just because I was his offspring but because he'd wanted me to be his own flesh and blood.

I closed my eyes tightly as my father raised his hands against me as...

He embraced me. He pressed his warm body against mine and embraced me silently.

I grabbed his arms and wanted to search his gaze as he pressed my face down on his chest and stroked my hair carefully.

I sniffed and clutched at his shoulders, slowly descending to the ground while still resting in his arms.

Pity. That must have been it.

He felt pity for the creature that had stumbled into his house during the night time.

I closed my eyes and buried my face in his chest.

Either way; even if he saw nothing but a scared creature in me right now... I was nothing but a scared creature. I was scared... I was simply so scared.

And it even became worse as the pain from my lower abdomen intensified and spread across my body, working its way from my spine upwards until it reached my neck.

My shoulders twitched uncontrollably and I shut my eyes tightly, squeezing out the last remaining tears from the corner of my eyes.

I was a disgrace. Nothing more but a disgrace.

"I'm sorry" I muttered quietly and pulled my head away from my father's warm chest. "I never wanted to spread my legs for Koschei... I never wanted to..."

My father shushed me and forced me to bury my face in his chest again. He didn't stop stroking my hair and nodded barely noticeable.

"It wasn't your fault" he mumbled quietly "I should have told you. I really should have told you about it."

"It's not your fault" I cried out with a muffled voice "Whatever it is it isn't your fault! I'm so sorry; I just can't tell you how sorry I am...!"

My father shook his head; he seemed to smile and rubbed his face against my forehead.

"I should have talked to you."

Deafening silence.

"You've been right all these years, you know" I whispered as my father knelt down on the floor and let me sit in his lap. He smiled mollifyingly and whipped the tears out of my eyes. "Of course I was" my father replied in a soothing voice and wasn't obviously paying attention. I straightened up and met his gaze uneasily. His eyes mirrored his honesty and open-mindedness, as always. No traces of the slightest unsettledness. His eyes were nothing but hazel.

"You have always told me to stay away from Koschei. And I should have. I really should have kept away from him! I never should have let him come near me. I couldn't defend myself against Koschei... but I never meant to spread my legs for Koschei... he just forced them apart..."

"Theta, let's not talk about it" interrupted my father candidly and silenced me thereby instantly. I nodded quietly and rubbed my face against his chest.

"Now, we shall see to it" he explained quietly and intensified his grip on me, his hands moving across my upper part of my body; as he reached for my lower abdomen I shoved his hands away immediately and stared at him in shocked silence. My father remained calm and determined.

"Don't touch it!" I hissed "No one shall touch it."  
>My father grasped my hands carefully. He took a deep breath, his eyes focussing on my distorted abdomen again.<p>

"How long has it been since..."

"I noticed it a month ago" I blurted out and became more and more panicly as my father searched my gaze; I evaded it.

"No, I...I felt it a few months ago, it started months ago but I was so scared, I'm so sorry father, but I was too bloody scared, I didn't dare to touch it, I tried to forget about it, I ignored it and wished for it to disappear but the tumour only kept on growing and... Ms Reprics... I... I mustn't touch it, I should wait... I... I don't... it's fatal, I know that it is severe but I didn't know if it was malignant... but the tumour wouldn't stop growing, it just wouldn't, it only grew bigger and bigger and I know that I'm an embarrassment and I know that I'm disgusting but..." tears welled up in my eyes "I never wanted but...but I couldn't cut it out, I simply couldn't cut it out because I was too scared... I'm... I'm... I'm so sorry..."

I lifted my head and cried shamelessly, constantly sobbing and sniffing while my father had stopped caressing my neck; I searched his empty gaze.

My father's jaw had dropped.


	41. Chapter 41

_Author's Note: Yesterday the uplaod failed or something. I'm very sorry for the inconvenience caused._

* * *

><p>Promises aren't meant to be broken; at least not on Gallifrey.<p>

My father had promised me that soon all would be better. Soon it would be over.

He was such a terrible liar. He couldn't even lie to his own son to make him feel safe again; to make him feel secure and snug.

He knew that the worst hadn't even started yet.

And he had always thought I wouldn't notice...

My father had always known that I had been ignorant. I guess he'd never realised simply how ignorant I had been.

I didn't know anything. I knew nothing, never ever. And my innocence, my endless naivety and integrity forbade me to question my father, or his decision; and I would never even dare to ask, not once. Just one question and it would have been over, simply one word and the nagging insecurity would have ended; just one word.

Why?

I should have asked him when I'd been a child. I really should have. It would have changed my life, one word would have changed my life. If only I'd had the guts to ask him why he had wanted to me to tie my legs together at night.

I should have known that it hadn't been about me tying my legs together at night; it also should have occurred to me that it wasn't either about my legs; it had been about what was between them.

And he should have told me. And I should have asked.

And we had both been too scared to even talk about it.

I hung in his arms motionless and shivered.

I had calmed down a bit. I felt somewhat save, resting lifeless in his arms while the last remaining and isolated tears dried on my burning cheeks. I was composed. I was silent.  
>But I wouldn't have the courage to simply ask my father; and neither had my father the courage to tell me.<p>

And he knew.

He had known it right from the beginning.

Innocence meant ignorance. And secrets are meant to be kept while promises weren't meant to be broken. And that wouldn't change.

The human reverend Koschei had dared to refer to the last time was... well, I guess his pamphlets, his poems and his outpourings in written form had had the deepest impact on me; beside the "Collected wisdom of Dr. Neakahla", of course.

The reverend's words had always been dear to me; I had always thought that I actually understood him, _him_ a primitive human being, forced to live and die miserable on a polluted planet during one of its saddest decades. I had always had pity on him; but his works, simple worded as they were, had always fascinated me; it had soothed and appalled me at the same time.  
>'The toys are us and we don't even know.'<br>'In each relationship it's not about love.'  
>'The weak ones are there to justify the strong.'<br>'And nothing's going to change the world; and nothing's going to change.'

They were as simple as that. But those words had to have a lot of truth inside of them to find their ways into a Time Lord's heart; and I had always relied on them. Not out of religious purposes but out of humanity.

And in his simplicity he had been right; though I doubt that he had even realised how right he'd been.

And nothing's going to change the world.

And nothing's going to change.

Well, nothing had changed after all.

And even at that point, at this low-point my father wouldn't change that, either.

And he knew. He'd always known.

He knew that it would happen like this. He had known it all the time; and he had thought he could have prevented it.

My father had seen it, he'd seen it before. He'd been there. He'd already been there.

Time is relative; and especially for Time Lords. But it's not only that the Time Lords can see what is, what was and what was going to be; they might as well be able to see what might happen.

And time had found its ways to turn tables. Time had managed to prove and reveal itself what would happen; and all you could do was standing aside and watching as the foretold future unfolded.

My father had seen the future. He hadn't searched for it; the future had searched for him.

_I don't know if fate has reasons; and I don't know if you can reason with it. But you can't play at fate; so you can't probably reason with it, either._

Is that you, 'Doctor'? Have you finally found your way back, your way into your own mind.

_It's your mind, Theta. This is your past and not mine._

We share the same past; we share the same fate. We both are forced to die.

_Every living creature has to die one day. But it's fate's choice 'who' it's going to be first._

And if I tell you that it isn't?

_Who are you to play at fate?_

Who am I NOT to play at fate? Others had played at fate for me all my life; they had made decisions for me, they had made me make sacrifices in order to protect me; how come others know what's best for me? Why can't I for once in my life make the right decision?

_Because it isn't YOUR decision, Theta. Listen to me..._

You know it, 'Doctor', don't you? You keep claiming that it is my past and yet you know it; you know what my father had done; you know how horrible it had been the first nights after he'd scared me to death by demanding from me to keep my legs shut and don't let anybody come between them; you know how I'd cried the nights and dreaded the days because I had known that worse nights were to come, nights in which my father would come to my bed and tie me down, no matter how much I'd scream, no matter how much he'd scare me and no matter how many hours I would lie awake at night, unable to cry myself into sleep; you know it because it had been you back then as well as me.

_..._

No witty reply this time?

_..._

'Doctor'?

_Why can't you die, Theta? Why can't you simply die and take all those bloody memories with you? Why can't you die with the secrets unspoken and the promises unbroken? I swore myself not to tell..._

No, 'Doctor'. It was I who swore it. And it will be I who breaks those promises.

_Promises aren't meant to be broken._

Not on Gallifrey, no. But we're gone, 'Doctor'. We're not on Gallifrey. Not anymore. And neither are we existing; properly existing, in the current state of mind.

_He had known it. My father had known it. And he had never helped me. All the years he had known it and he had never even tried to help me._

He had tried, 'Doctor'. Oh, how he had tried! He had wanted us to be safe from the predestined fortune. He had tried to change history by changing destiny.

_And he had failed._

He'd seen it, Doctor. In a blink he'd seen it.

In the terrible night that had followed the day were my father had caught Koschei and me wrestling on my bed he'd seen it. As I had opened the door after the last remains of the supernova had vanished he'd caught a glimpse of me. I had rushed home because I hadn't told my parents where I'd stayed the day and the beginning night. And as the sky had darkened... maybe I had been scared.

And I had run home. And I had pushed the door open rapidly and had stared my father into his pair of frightened eyes.

But he hadn't seen me coming through the door.

Well, he had seen me. But not me as a child, not me with my innocent twelve years.

He'd seen me as I was lying in his arms right now. He'd seen my reddened eyes, he'd seen my horror-filled face and he'd met my helpless stare before his eyes had trailed down my sweaty body until they had caught a glimpse of my...

And he had blinked. And he had looked down at a frightened twelve year old boy once again.

But my father had seen it. He had seen the bulge on my body. He had seen my distorted stomach. He had known that I would carry a child by the age of seventeen if...

That had been his last straw. IF.

If the future would happen as it had been foretold. If he wouldn't manage to prevent it from happening. If he could manage to keep Koschei away from me. If he could manage to train me at not letting anyone come between my legs...

Well, if...

It wouldn't have happened. He never would have been forced to see my terrified eyes as well as my abused and fecundated body.

So, my father had tried it. And he had tried changing the future by changing the prophecy. And he had failed. He had failed and wouldn't have realised it until I had dared to stumble into our well-situated home, desperately searching for shelter and covered in sweat.

And the child I was now carrying under my heart set the seal on his failure.

But nonetheless he held me in his arms tightly and stroked my hair absent-mindedly.

"It's over now. Everything's going to be alright, Theta. Please, don't be scared."

He lied to me. He lied to me and he thought I wouldn't have sensed his desperation.

"Everything's going to be alright."


	42. Chapter 42

I was surprised that my father let me stay in the house for the night . Alright, back then I wasn't surprised at all; all I could think about was sleeping and finding peace during a few quiet hours of rest. My father had guided my weak steps towards my former room and pushed the door open.

The interior was still the same; at least it looked like that. And I didn't know if that was a good thing.  
>I had at least suspected that my parents would start storing several utensils for later use in it; or at least clutter up the room with useless gimmick they couldn't get rid of.<p>

Let's face it. Children are nothing more but useless gimmick you're somehow attached to. And of course it's harder to get rid of them than of a kitschy figurine. But after all they're the same. Useless; sometimes annoying; taking up spare room; if you're lucky they can be pretty and graceful; but that's it. There's nothing apart from that.

The room looked untouched; there was grit on the floor and a blanket had been put over my bed to shield it from the accruing dust. My father pushed back the blanket and small particles whirled in the air; the duvet covers were still there.

I construed the fact that no one had dared to rearrange my former room to be some kind of bad omen. The reason for keeping a spare room the way it accorded to the preferences of the previous owner could only mean two things in my eyes: It was either that my parents missed me, that they still loved me so much and missed me that they had wanted to be reminded of it every day when they walked past the room; they wouldn't want to forget me even though I had left and wouldn't know if or when I'd return, and I caught myself at least a bit smiling while thinking about it that way; Or, and sadly that was what I had suspected, my parents had suspected that there would be trouble and that I would return sooner or later and had therefore kept the room as it has been to simplify matters.

Either way I wouldn't know because I didn't dare to ask. And who knows if my father even knew why he had kept the room how it had been...

My father stood by the window, staring into the dimming sky. The supernova had descended and burnt out, letting its last remains fade away into the endless depths of the universe, spreading with its last remaining energy the beautiful colours into the velvet darkness of eternity.

I gasped for air and sobbed between my muffled sighs.

My father turned around slowly as I hung my head in shame and crept under the duvet.  
>He walked over to my side, his hands reaching for my face once more; I lifted my head and met his gaze; his eyes were glowing in the darkness.<p>

"You made the right decision by returning" he assured me and squatted down beside me as I felt the tears welling up again in my eyes "And now listen carefully, Theta: Whenever there's trouble, whenever there's something wrong you can come to me; I'll take care of you, I promise. And there's nothing in this world you need to hide from me." He chuckled quietly and let out a long drawn-out sigh "In fact, there's nothing in this world you can hide from me, Theta. And, you know: I don't think that's too bad." I nodded my ascent as I reached for the duvet and covered my body up to my chin.

"Theta" my father went on "The... thing... inside of your body..." "The tumour" I added and snivelled. "Of course, tumour... it will have to come out... within a few months I expect... or by the look of it probably even weeks..." "But Ms Reprics said it will disappear..."I heard my father sighing beside my bed and broke off in mid-sentence immediately. "In a way... you know... Theta, it's hard to understand I know, but please, listen carefully: You'll know when the time is right for it to be cut out. Trust me. You'll just know it. And when that time comes, I'll be ready." "Ready for what?" I asked with a tear-choked voice. "Ready to take care of you. Don't talk to anybody in the academy about it. But when you know that it has to come out you rush home... just make sure you make it home, in time, alright?" My father grasped my shoulders and pulled my face closer to his. I breathed in deeply and tried fighting away the tears by evading his gaze and nodding.

"You're a good boy, Theta. Really, you are a good boy" he smiled graciously and arose.

I didn't dare to question his request. Well, it was obviously more an order than a request. But I didn't dare to question that, either.  
>I didn't understand what he'd asked me of. And I didn't know what plans he had.<br>I didn't know how I should feel when the tumour had to come out of my body and I didn't know why he wanted me to be home by that time.  
>And I didn't question it.<br>But I didn't ask him because I was scared of him; instead I had learned trust.  
>And if my father would embrace his lost son in the middle of the night when he had rushed home from the academy against orders...<p>

Trust had replaced fear. And trust had replace innocence, as well.

I trusted him. I relied on my father. I had to rely on him.

What choices did I have?

My father had opened the door and the light from the corridor paved its way into my dark room slowly.

"Father?"

My father froze and wouldn't move. Something in my voice must have irritated him.

"Father? May I ask you something?"

"It's nearly midnight, Theta. You should find some sleep..." my father was close to shutting the door; he tried to evade my questions and therefore I was becoming rather anxious.

"But father please, I can't sleep... Please can I ask you for one thing?"

My father turned his head around and met my tired gaze.

"Do you have a rope for me?" I asked quietly, I felt myself blushing as my father stared me in the face motionless. "Please... I can't sleep with my legs untied..."

My father swallowed hard. He searched for his voice and mouthed something before answering in a muffled voice: "Yes... Yes, Theta... I'll be right back..."

And then he stormed out of the room.


	43. Chapter 43

It hadn't changed me. My innocence and ignorance were sheer endless. After all these years, after all that'd happened I was still asking for a rope at night. Even in my current state I thought I needed to protect myself against others by using a rope...

"Theta."

My father's soft voice emerged from somewhere beside my ear. I opened my eyes slowly and turned my head towards the voice. My father's strong fingers caressed my cheeks carefully.

"You should go back" he whispered.

I sat up and pushed back the sheets, nodding in agreement and getting to my feet. My father grasped my shoulders quick-reacting and laid an arm around me.

"But first you'll have some breakfast."

Then he knelt down to remove the rope from my legs.

I was exhausted. I had hardly found any sleep. My head was spinning and I couldn't remember why I had left the academy the night before. Though, in the end, it all seemed as if it had been for a greater good...

I rested my head on one hand while I nearly dozed off at the kitchen table. My father placed a mug in front of my face. Small vapours of fume emerged from it. I sighed half asleep.

"It's not tea, is it?" I asked in a muffled voice and had a hard time keeping my eyes open.  
>"It never hurt anyone" replied my father with a firm undertone and added: "Why don't you try it?" "I hate tea" I replied and slumped back, my head falling onto the table.<p>

"You haven't changed a bit" sighed my father "but you're grown up now. You have learned to endure deprivations. So why don't you have a sip?" "It's only tea" I mumbled into my arm. "That's why I don't understand why you're making a fuss about it."  
>"Darling, please."<p>

I raised my head to see that my mother had placed a hand on my father's shoulder. "Do you think he should drink it? In his current..." "It's alright, it won't harm it. Him. It doesn't matter."  
>"What?" I asked irritated "What do you mean, IT?"<p>

"I'm sorry dear" my mother took a step forward and hesitated before embracing me. My father stared at his feet.

"What were you talking about?" I asked "What IT?

"All of a sudden you're awake" mumbled my father and stood up.  
>"Come on. We better get going."<p>

I arose likewise, supporting my aching back a bit. My mother made way for me. Her eyes were fixed on my face, she smiled faintly, as if she tried to evade looking away, as if she was fighting against getting distracted from something a trifle lower...

"We?" I repeated wondering.

"I guess there will be a lot to explain" my father went on after he'd dragged me out of the house carefully. He'd hugged me and I had waited for any usual words of farewell like 'Take care of yourself!', 'So long!' or 'Don't break a leg or you won't be able to run.'  
>But instead he was now walking by my side. "But I figured it would be best if I told them... you know, urgent family reasons, your mother had the plague or something... A justified reason to explain your absence; I'll think of something, don't worry."<p>

I breathed in deeply and sighed. I didn't dare to look up.

"Thank you" I mumbled quietly.

My father had nothing to add; neither could he think of anything to reply.

It's strange meeting someone who combines the qualities of being someone you've always looked up to, someone who has taken good care of you and someone you're treasuring undying love and thankfulness for. And it's even stranger when you meet him after several years in which you haven't seen or talked to him; beside the monthly letters of  
>"Everything's fine your mother's doing a lot of gardening lately and she tried transplanting the small golden bushes, the large apple tree and the cat; she must be getting old."<p>

I had nothing to talk about with my father.

I wouldn't have known what to say.

I was still scared; somehow the uneasiness arose in me again as we neared the academy.  
>I knew that there would be a lot to explain.<br>And I feared who I had to explain it to.

I sighed quietly and stopped in front of the open gate. My father paused before squeezing my hand a bit. He lowered his head and pushed my hair out of my face. I wouldn't even dare to look him in the eye.

"I'm scared" I mumbled quietly and stared at my feet.

My father cleared his throat. You could literally see him searching the sky for the right words.

"We'll see to it" he replied after a while and tried to smile "Don't worry. There's nothing in this world you need to be afraid of."

My father had never been the lucky type; most of all because he was married to my mother. And you couldn't have said that he was personified tactfulness, either. But this time, at this moment his streak of bad luck turned a different colour.

I had noticed a red tree near the entrance swinging quietly in the breeze; it had been one of the rare trees that hadn't been cut down so far because most of the people were scared of it; and it was botanically rare because its leaves were a shimmering wine red.  
>People had claimed before that, due to the shapes of its leaves, the tree tended to whistle in the breeze.<p>

Only this time someone else did the whistling for it.

I clutched at my father's arm as I saw Koschei climbing down from the tree; he took the last few feet in a jump and had a very ungentle landing; but he smiled nonetheless and turned his head in my direction, approaching me within a few steps.

My father eyed Koschei up closely.

"Teratism" hissed my father between gritted teeth and pulled me towards him.  
>Koschei stopped in front of me, ignoring my father.<p>

"You've been missed" he explained and reached for my hand. I flinched and took a step backward, asking absent-mindedly "By whom?"

"By whoever who's missed you" retorted Koschei and chuckled "And I wouldn't exclude myself."

"Don't you have lessons to attend?" snapped my father and I felt his knuckles closing around mine. I looked up to him uncertain before meeting Koschei's mad gaze.

Koschei put his head to one side.

"So has your son" he replied while smiling and reached for my hand once more "And if you don't mind, I'll escort him..." "I DO mind" interrupted my father and gave him a death glare; his mouth formed the word for Koschei's opprobrious name. "Keep away from him."

I didn't know if my father had addressed me or Koschei, but anyway I nodded my ascent.

Koschei chuckled and I sure was glad that my father had grasped my hands.  
>Back then I hadn't known why my father had been furious; but looking back at the day I shouldn't have wondered if my father had smashed in Koschei's head.<p>

But I didn't know.  
>All I knew was that Koschei had come between my legs; and at least I had had the heart to tell my father about it.<p>

"Why don't you just run off like as usual" continued my father "Why don't you just get lost?"  
>"It's your son who looks rather lost" replied Koschei and chuckled, taking a step back as a precaution "Lost in thoughts... lost in time and space..."<p>

My father pushed him aside and entered the academy, pulling me after him.

I heard Koschei laughing behind my back.

"So you're his pull and push-along toy, too?"

I closed my eyes as my father rushed through the corridors.


	44. Chapter 44

He ran. My father ran; just the way I used to do it whenever I felt unsafe.

My father dragged me behind him and we went past the studies and the secret passages to long-forgotten libraries (or, in my case, newly-discovered libraries); my father hurried towards the stairs and rushed up to the headmaster's office.

I wouldn't understand why he would give account in front of the headmaster of his own accord.

I dreaded the idea of having to face the headmaster.

Well, actually "face" wasn't quite right.

The headmaster was the highest authority at the academyl; his word was law.  
>In the old days everyone would bow in front of him and lower their heads. But due to some megalomaniac predecessors it was now common use to evade the headmaster's gaze. In other words; you weren't allowed to look him in the eyes, neither in the face. Basically you had to stare at his feet or at least a bit in front of them.<p>

I've always considered it to be rather odd; in my eyes a superintendant was supposed to have representative qualities; they had to stand for what they believed, what they embodied or personified. His was the academy's face; and you weren't even allowed to catch a glimpse of it.

My father had stopped in front of the headmaster's assistants' office and knocked quietly. As soon as he was ordered in he'd release the grip on my hand and I took a step backwards while he was allowed entrance by the headmaster's secretary.

I wouldn't dare to enter it.

I would never dare to enter it on my own free will.

I was scared of the headmaster. I was too scared.

He had no face. No face I was allowed to see.

A face indicated emotions; a facial expression was an expression of the soul; it protruded feelings and thoughts.

I was good at reading faces; I had learned to interpret mimic and draw my own conclusions.

If the headmaster had no face... maybe he had no head as well.

I shook my head.

Something was wrong. That hadn't been my own thought. It was too abstract, too incoherent, too notional, too...

"Mad."

I turned around to find two gleaming amber-coloured eyes staring at me in excitement. I took a step backwards and moved backwards until my feet would be stopped by the door.

"And you were right, I guess: those hadn't been your own thoughts. Those were mine, mingling with yours, entwining and embracing each other in your mind."

"Stay away from me!" I yelled and clenched my fists. "Koschei!"

Koschei moved closer and came to a halt right in front of me; his face was only inches away from mine. He smiled and opened his eyes wide.  
>"I told you, you can't keep me out of your life. I won't stay out of your life, Theta. I'll just keep coming back. Perseverative; or perennial, if you'd prefer that one. Like night and day, like every season." He chuckled quietly and let out a long drawn-out sigh; his hot breath made me flinch.<p>

"You know. Inevitable. Like death and taxes."

"Death and taxes" I spat out and gritted my teeth. "Don't you come telling me about, death and taxes! You're nothing more than a monster Koschei, nothing more than an unkillable monster!"

Koschei chuckled again; he pressed his hands firmly beside my temples against the door and moved his face closer by an inch.

"I wasn't given this name without a reason, Theta" he smiled and rubbed his nose against mine, closing his eyes in delight "And you knew that; you always knew that."

"Koschei get out of my life" I hissed between gritted teeth. I bended my knees a bit and tried escaping underneath him by slipping slowly to the ground, but Koschei had other plans with me; he managed to fix my body against the door by pushing himself against me, importuning me chest on chest, thighs on thighs, abdomen against swollen abdomen.

Koschei's eyes trailed down my body and focused on my bulged stomach.

"You've gained weight" he mumbled quietly, "but partially, only."

He reached down with one hand and stroked my abdomen carefully. My skin seemed to burn under his touch, even through my garment.  
>He scared me. Koschei scared me.<p>

I breathed heavily while searching through my mind; I was weak, I was anxious and there was nothing to stop me from running; I had managed to escape him the night before, I had managed to disappear from his searching eyes. I knew that I would be able to do it once more; but I couldn't.

My instinct to escape, my natural flight behaviour had been suppressed; someone had managed to gain control over my mind one more time.

I closed my eyes and felt tears burning in my eyes.  
>Someone who' promised me to spare my mind if I'd endow him with my body.<p>

And there was a knocking in my head. A strange knocking sound.

"You can't be satisfied, can you?" I hissed and suppressed the tears welling up in my eyes. I was too tired and too weak to fight Koschei; if he'd enter my mind, I wouldn't stand in his way.

I'm here, Koschei. And I know that you can hear me.

Oh Theta, it's no fun when you're not bothering to resist.

I placed my hands on Koschei's collarbones too keep him from drawing nearer; Koschei's amber eyes melded into mine as I met his gaze.

You promised me to stay out of here, Koschei! You promised me!

Promises are meant to be broken, Theta.

Not on Gallifrey, they aren't!

But on earth they are. And you tended to have a soft spot for humans, didn't you? A delicate and soft spot... right between your legs...

Koschei reached down and touched my groin shamelessly. In no time I had grasped his hand and pushed it away furiously.

"Stop it, Koschei" I hissed and pressed my forehead against his with increasing pressure, hoping that thereby I'd be able to break his skull. But Koschei wouldn't budge; I wasn't probably even hurting him but myself.

I don't like it when you hurt yourself, Theta.

"Koschei, if you don't stop messing with my mind on the instant, I'll...!"

"You what?" asked Koschei smirking "Tell me Theta, what are you going to do? You can't even protect yourself. Neither from me nor from your father. You had never been able to protect yourself or to look after yourself. And think about it, Theta. I was the one giving you shelter. I was the one who protected and guarded you."

"My father guarded me" I snapped as he met my enraged gaze "But not good enough, I will admit that. He'd never managed to shield me from you."

Koschei chuckled again, banging his head against mine cautiously. Now both of his hands reached for my crotch.

"Don't you remember it, Theta?" he smirked. I felt his heartbeats increasing. His play instinct had awakened and he was now ready to toy with me; or he was beginning to get aroused.

Either way, I reached for his hands and squeezed them hard; he should feel that I wouldn't let myself get touched and turned by him, not anymore. But Koschei's reply was nothing but maniacal laughter and I felt his thoughts invading my mind, racing through my head and tearing my memories and thoughts limb from limb; I opened my eyes in shocked silence as I felt the sentences disappear, as everything I had tried to keep locked up in my mind started vanishing and my memories became twisted, they changed, the evolved they seemed to...

I pressed my hands against my temples and bashed my head against Koschei's.

"What are you doing?"

"Can't you hear it, Theta? Don't you remember it?"

Twisted thoughts, broken memories and crippled scraps of conversation whirled inside of my head, they seemed to splash from one side of my skull to the other, their shapes changed, their contents modified and became more and more disfigured. I tried to recall my father's words, I tried to remember the terrible night when...

"It's a lot more fun like this, isn't it?" asked Koschei and chuckled "Now you're fighting. Now you're struggling against me."

"You said you'd spare my mind if I'd let you have my body at your disposal" I nearly cut him off and breathed heavily again, inevitably spitting at Koschei's face. He licked his lips and smiled.

"It's not Mind or Body, Theta" explained Koschei as he met my desperate gaze.  
>He leaned forward and brushed his head against my ear before whispering:<p>

"I lied to you. That's not your decision. I want you on the whole. I don't want your body – I want _you_, Theta."


	45. Chapter 45

_Author's note: I'm sorry that I hadn't been able to update yesterday. I simply didn't make it home in time._  
><em>Don't worry. It won't happen again soon.<em>

* * *

><p>"You can't have what you want."<p>

"I only want what I can't have" chuckled Koschei.

"You only need what you don't want" I hissed back and shook my head as if I'd thereby be able to get rid of Koschei's twisted thoughts.

"And what do I need, Theta?" asked Koschei playfully. He was still toying with me. He wouldn't stop.

"Sanity" I replied without giving it much thought "and any God's mercy. You need mercy."

Koschei chuckled and smiled.

"Well that wasn't exactly what you wanted to say, was it Theta?"

I gritted my teeth.

It was 'You need mercy killing', chuckled Koschei's voice inside my mind.

"Koschei, I told you to stay out of my head! Stay out of me!"

Koschei's grin became broader and broader.

In my head it had sounded like screaming; but I must be talking in a low voice, with words barely audible. Otherwise one of the headmaster's secretaries must have stormed out of the office by now, ordering us to keep away from here.

Koschei didn't reply.

And I felt him.  
>I felt him invading my body; there we stood, probably minutes or even hours passing; I wouldn't know. I wouldn't feel if or how time passed. Something was approaching. Something was coming. Nearer and nearer. Something was coming for me.<p>

Koschei's mad grin wouldn't vanish; I could feel his erect limb on my thighs and remained in the same helpless position, completely abashed and in desperation. I wouldn't respond to Koschei's futile attempts of calling me to heel; I just stood there and watched motionless how my mind was turned into a roaring stream that gushed through my head, tearing at memories and sensations I had once known and drowning them after a short fight.

And it was still coming; it was drawing nearer and nearer, coming closer with every breath, with every beat of my hearts.  
>I felt something.<p>

I thrust my head forward again, bashing it against Koschei's.

It wouldn't stop; _he_ just wouldn't stop!

"Isn't this fun, Theta?" asked Koschei. I couldn't tell if he was talking to me by mouth or in my head.

I shook my head irritated before aiming at Koschei's head again.

"You're losing your grip on reality" chuckled Koschei "That's quite good for a start."

I glared at Koschei furiously. He was still there and I couldn't stop him. I couldn't stop him from taking both my mind and my body, I couldn't resist him and I couldn't do anything! I simply couldn't do a thing against it!

"Oh, but you can, Theta" commented Koschei on my thoughts "You can. If you want to."

Koschei was approaching, our bodies were pressed against each other and still he was drawing nearer; he wanted us to meld, he wanted us to become on, one mind spread over two bodies.

I gritted my teeth again and looked him in the eyes, hitting my head on the door behind me when I dared to flinch.

My eyes.

I had seen my eyes in the reflection of Koschei's eyes.

My eyes were burning. I blinked and couldn't believe what I dared to stare back at me from Koschei's golden eyes.

A pair of amber eyes. My eyes were burning with the fire of Koschei's soul. The void. It had managed to enter through my eyes.

Koschei hadn't only looked into the void, the endless fabric of reality and had gone mad. He had become part of it. And now he wanted me to join him.

I shook my head again and stared with wide open eyes at my own reflection. No, no, he didn't want me to join; he tried to force me into becoming part of it; he wanted me to be like him. With him.

Like he'd always said when we had been children. He wanted to be with me. Forever. I shouldn't change.

"Mustn't Theta" Koschei smirked "you always get that wrong. You mustn't change."

Koschei rubbed his crotch against my thighs, his limb poking me permanently.

"Well, I guess it's still Body or Mind in a way" smiled Koschei; I watched him with unbelieving amber coloured eyes, watching my eyes as well as his turning into glistening, fierce gold.

"You can't concentrate on both of them simultaneously" explained Koschei and increased the speed while thrusting his groin against my body "That's the trouble with choosing. That's the trouble with your mind, Theta: It can't decide what it should do. It can't take care of your body and itself at the same time."

"Koschei stop talking nonsense!" I snapped; I doubt that we were still in the academy, I doubt that we were still were we had started. We had started in front of the headmaster's office; but we must have ended up somewhere else.

Coming closer. Rushing through my mind.

I stood there, Koschei's head pressed against mine. Mind on mind, melting into one another.

No.

Koschei had no mind. He had no body. He wasn't at all.

_He_ was the void. The void lived throughout him, he carried the void inside of him; and in his eyes the reflection of time itself was captured.

And now it was coming for me.

The void. Erasing my memories. Annihilating everything that made me who I was. Deliberately obliterating.

I closed my eyes and winced, feeling an incontrollable urge, developing an unbridled lust, an irrepressible zestfulness; that was Koschei's mind, or at least what resembled it.

Always yearning. Always longing. Never to be satisfied, never to be finished.

"Can't you hear it calling for you, Theta?" asked Koschei. His voice was somewhat soothing. I looked up to find him embracing me. He wasn't taking me by force; I felt him coming closer and closer, I felt his body pressed against mine without any kind of impressiveness.

I would lie if I'd deny that I felt safe in his arms all of a sudden, that I felt as if I was protected and calmed.

And Koschei wouldn't stop smiling.

And the void was calling for me, it called out for me, reached for me, rushed through my mind and spurted itself all over me; just like Koschei.

I pressed my fingertips against my temples.

"Theta, why are you still resisting?" asked Koschei and popped his head to one side.

"Don't you like? Don't you want to play with me?"

Don't you want to play with me?

He's always asked me that. When we were children he'd come to my parent's house and beg for me, he was always begging for seeing me. And my father would send him away. And he would climb onto the roof, with help from our apple tree, and would move towards my window.

He'd always entered by window. And he had most certainly scared me to death every single time.

And I had tried to escape him. I had always believed that my father wouldn't send him without cause, without a reason; that would have been unlike him. That would have been more like Koschei.

And when I'd tried to flee from my room he'd always ask me "Don't you want to play with me?"

And I had stopped.

And I had stayed.

I had always stayed and I had never contradicted him.

I had always liked Koschei.

And even if he'd scared me sometimes... even when he'd frightened me by the way he'd behaved, the way he'd played with me, the way he'd hurt me while playing with me...

I knew that I wouldn't get rid of him.  
>But not because he'd never leave my side. In fact: I would never let him leave my side. I had wanted him to stay by my side, stay with me. I had needed him. I had belonged to him.<br>Or he had already managed to break through the thick walls of stubbornness and torn them down before exchanging my well protected thoughts against some that were more to his taste.  
>Koschei was there, inside of me. And so was the void.<p>

"You're trying to stop me" chuckled Koschei "but unfortunately it's not going to work."

"Why do I have to stop you from entwining your twisted thoughts with mine? Why don't you stop?" I snapped. "Why don't you stop?"

"No reason" was his only reply. And beside I could have guessed that he was going to say that I knew that Koschei never knew when he had to stop.

Koschei had had no reasons. He was. That was all. He simply was.

When he was a child he'd been playful and bright-eyed.  
>Now he was driven by urges and sexual desires.<p>

"Stop it, Koschei" I hissed between gritted teeth "Stop invading my body. Why don't you just stop?"

"Right now, you're stopping" mumbled Koschei "You're stopping to make sense, Theta."  
>I snarled in his ear while my head rested on his shoulder.<br>Koschei went on "We must be close."

"Close to what?" I asked as I felt his hands reaching for mine. He wrapped his knuckles around mine and squeezed them hard.

"Close to the edge. We've reached a threshold."

Thick and sludgy waves carried my perishing memories; the void was swallowing my mind and spewing some of the last memories I had encountered.

Body or Mind, Theta? Why don't you chose between your Body or your Mind?

"You can't help it, Theta!" Koschei yelled. "You can't win! You can't!"

Body or Mind.

Mind or Body.

I had made my decision. And I hadn't managed to spare my mind.

Koschei wanted both. And he wouldn't let me chose.

I grabbed Koschei wrists and squeezed them until my knuckles turned white.

"Body, Koschei" I screamed at him, "stay out of my body!"

"You can't win, Theta!" Koschei repeated and started laughing triumphantly "You can't win!"

"Stay out of my body! Stay out of it! Koschei stay out of it! I don't want you to ever touch me again, do you hear me, Koschei? Never ever again! Stay out of me! Stay out of my body! I don't want you inside of me! For any God's sake, stay out!"


	46. Chapter 46

My ears were ringing. My voice echoed in my head. In my mind the stream had fallen silent.  
>It had drained.<br>I stared at Koschei with unbelieving eyes and banged my head against the headmaster's office's door involuntarily while leaning back.  
>I looked around.<br>Koschei had stopped moving against my body and gave me a peculiar look. He popped his head to one side as if listening to some kind of inner voice before blinking.

I grabbed his face by his temples and pressed my forehead against his, searching his eyes, searching my reflection eagerly.  
>I was relieved to find my eyes turning back to their normal colour; the glistening gold in my eyes had vanished or evaporated. I didn't care about that. All that mattered was that my eyes were finally back to normal.<p>

I had gotten rid of Koschei. I couldn't hear him anymore. I must have done something that had stopped him, or irritated him, or distracted him...

I pushed Koschei's face away; he rolled his head into the nape of his neck.  
>He breathed slowly; his chest was still pressed against mine and I could feel his heart rates decreasing. He was calming down; his body was cooling and the tension released. Even the tension in his groin.<p>

Koschei gave me an irritated look, a look I'd never seen before on Koschei. Something he'd never wanted to show me.

Uneasiness. Koschei was uneasy. I had managed to unsettle him, making him feel insecure about himself; probably the first time in his life he was feeling insecure.  
>And he looked so miserable, so pathetic that I felt my hearts dropping.<br>I felt pity. Probably for the first time in my life either I had pity with Koschei.  
>He couldn't help it.<br>He was just... himself.

I pushed those thoughts back into the deepest corners of my mind.

I couldn't have pity with him; I had to convince myself of that. Koschei had hurt me; he had hurt me the same way he'd done it before every single time he had approached me to comfort me. He used me. He abused me. He was abusive and would only use me at his discretion. At his pleasure.

I clenched my fists and raised them; I forced my hands against his chest and shoved Koschei with increasing arm pressure away. I glared at him in exasperation.

"Stay away from me" I hissed and tried to look through Koschei, I tried to look through this mask consisting of his childish features and a pair of beautiful, puerile amber eyes; I tried to look about an inch deep into his skull. I didn't want to face him as a starry eyed child, which he pretended to be, right now; I wanted to see him the way he was.

The real Koschei who had emerged from the coldness of his heart, from the darkness of his soul and the ignorance of a child's mind. I wanted to speak to _him_, to address him.

"You tried feeding me to the void" I stated stinted "And I don't want you to touch me ever again. I can't trust you. And I know that I'm hurt myself as bad as I'm hurting you right now. But I want you to keep away from me. And that was no request, that was an order. Stay away from me!"

I pulled my hands back and stepped away from the door.

Koschei kept staring at me with unbelieving eyes. Something beastly was protruding in his eyes. And in his smirk. As if he tried asking me: 'Are you serious?'

"I mean it!" I insisted "Stay away from me!"

Footsteps were approaching. The door beside me got pushed open and a furious figure, which later on turned out to be my father, stormed out of the headmaster's secretary's office. He stepped up to Koschei, he stood so close to him that everyone else probably would have backed away to be on the safe side. But Koschei only smirked.

And he didn't even stop after my father had slapped him in the face.

"You're nothing more than an unworthy, vile bastard! And if you ever dare to touch Theta again I'm going to kill you. And I mean it, Koschei. I know that it's your parent's privilege to take your life. But I'll see no other way but to do it instead of them; and on behalf of everyone else! You grant that?!"

Koschei retorted nothing but a vicious smile. He dared him; he wouldn't believe it until he'd seen it himself.  
>I backed away after catching a glimpse of the look on my father's face; I hadn't seen him this agitated since... since the day he had rushed into my room after hearing me shouting "Koschei you're hurting me!"<br>The look on my father's face scared me. But I wouldn't try to stop him. Even if he hit Koschei again, even if he beat him up, even if he'd beat him to death... he wanted me to be safe. And I needed to be saved from Koschei.

"I asked you if you understood that, you mischievous teratism" my father snapped. Koschei spat blood after my father had hit him again; he must have bitten his tongue.  
>Koschei liked the small streak of blood off his lower lip.<p>

"Just go" I blurted out "Just run."

"I'm not like you, Theta" replied Koschei in a low voice, still smiling and cheerful in a mad way.

"Don't you ever dare touch my son again, Koschei!" yelled my father and grabbed Koschei by the shoulders, shaking him like mad "Don't you ever dare!"

Koschei escaped my father after a minute or two.  
>I guess he hadn't understood that I had, for any idiotic reason, still cared for him and had tried to cut a corner. But Koschei was stupid. He was too stubborn to realise it.<p>

My father had left after embracing me and confirming that he was proud of me no matter what. And that I had to come home when I felt that I needed to.

For some reason I had felt like crying after my father had left the academy again.

I had stood on the window in my room and had watched him go.  
>My eyes filled with tears and my vision became blurred as the first sobs became audible.<p>

I was grieving. I was mourning for someone. Or over someone.

And I didn't even know why.

But maybe I sensed it. Maybe I knew deep down, in the deepest depths of my mind that he was right. He knew that I would return. He knew that I had to come home again. For a reason that I wouldn't understand by now. For a reason that would scare me to death.  
>I had to return for a deed that would haunt me in my dreams, a deed that would traumatize me for life. And it would scar me for life.<p>

Whatever doesn't kill you is gonna leave a scar.

And it would be an enormous scar that would define my distorted body later on.

* * *

><p><em>Thanks again to Mabudachi-trio for the constant commenting :) I don't know what I'd do without you<br>(Well, I guess I'd post fanfiction... but I wouldn't enjoy it that much :D )_


	47. Chapter 47

Ms Reprics was still mad at me. Though I was glad that she had forgotten about claiming the stolen book back from me, I was disappointed in discovering that I was forced to work for her in the secret library in her area of responsibility. Someone had thought it to be best way of punishing me. To be more specific, it had been the councillors and especially the headmaster himself who had considered this to be a good idea.

Due to this decision I couldn't help imagining the councillors as a bunch of sadistic perverts, over all of them the headmaster. You truly had to have nerves to send a student to Ms Reprics field of activity on purpose.

But rummaging through old and scattered books and carrying innumerable piles of books through a dark library wasn't that bad.

Alright, it was terrible on my back. And my bulged stomach kept getting in the way.

But I had to admit that it was rather peaceful as long as I managed to ignore Ms Reprics comments, addressed to me or just the whole world in general.

And I had time think about life again. I had time to think and reflect.

I made my own conclusions.

Distraction. Distraction had always been the word.  
>Koschei had managed to take control over my body while distracting me with absurd questions. And he had invaded my mind while distracting me with invading my body. He knew that I would try to stop him; but I couldn't stop him in two places at the same time.<p>

And he knew that. He'd always known that.  
>That's why he had enjoyed playing with me so much.<p>

Nightmare.

Playing with Koschei had been a nightmare. Not always, of course. Not as long as we had been children. As long as both of us had been children.

I had always envied Koschei. I cannot emphasis often enough that I have always looked up to him; not only because he had always been of bigger size then me. When we were children, about six or nine, we were equally strong. So I had enjoyed playing with him, being with him, wrestling with him, having him on top of me.

But as we grew older... Koschei grew up faster. Or his body reached adulthood before his mind could have followed.  
>Koschei's ignorant mind was still trapped in a well-built adult body.<br>About the age of twelve we weren't on the same track anymore. We pretended to be but we weren't – Koschei had become stronger and, in a way, more aggressive. He still loved to bicker with me, to run around with me, to compete with me... but he was driven by urges. And I was scared of his combative behaviour.  
>He would bicker with me, but only to wrestle me down.<br>He would fight with me only to win out over my body.  
>And he would stay on top of me only to touch my warm and soft skin.<p>

Koschei scared me.  
>I was addicted to him, in a way; I couldn't help it. I enjoyed being with him and I knew that he was going to disturb me; but somehow I was yearning for disturbance. I always believed that I would be able to bear it.<br>Maybe I was even thinking that I would have to endure it only to stay in touch with Koschei.

I liked him.

I needed him.

He had always stayed by my side.  
>And who was I to turn my back on him when it got harder for me.<p>

But it got harder. It became harder and harder.  
>With every year... No, with every month it seemed as if his urges or his drives or his instincts or whatever I had named it back then became harder to deal with.<br>Koschei wasn't more violent. He wasn't even harsher with me. But he was calculating.

And he was testing me.

I was his toy. I had always been his pull- and push along toy. And he would leave nothing undone to validate my robustness.

He wondered how long I would stay; how long I would persevere; how long I would endure.

And he was eager to find out.

He pushed me to my limits.

He would observe carefully how long and how intensively he was allowed to touch me in my nether regions before I would start screaming or desperately trying to push him off me.  
>He would gauge how often he was allowed to thrust his groin against my thighs or my crotch before I would become anxious.<br>He would try to suss out how long I would let him moan unsettling things in my ear before telling him to shut up.

And he would always try to push my limits.

Koschei wanted more. Always he wanted more and more.

I had never dared to talk to my father about Koschei. About that _side_ of Koschei. About his appetency, his lustfulness, his oppressive behaviour.  
>I knew that he hadn't been allowed in our house; my father had never wanted him to stay with me. To play with me...<p>

I had wanted to protect my father. I had wanted to protect him so badly.

And after all I felt guilty. I had it thought to be my own fault. My father never would have allowed Koschei to see me, he never wanted him to come near me even before he'd known what the future held for both of us; he knew that you couldn't trust Koschei; right from the beginning he knew it.

I never told my father why I was sometimes scared to play with other children when Koschei had frightened me off by feeling me up; I wouldn't dare to talk to him about Koschei exploring my body and the growing parts of my anatomy.  
>I had always wanted to save him from the pain of knowing. I had always wanted to spare him.<p>

And my father would treat me likewise.

Knowing that I was going to undergo a lot of stress and pain in the future, knowing that I would be forced to carry a foe's child, knowing that one day I would come running home, crying and desperately searching for help. He knew it all. And he knew what had to be done.

He didn't tell me.

The same way I had always refused to talk to him about Koschei and what he'd done to me he refused to tell me about my foretold future.

And still he was unwilling to see that he had lost against fate...

Maybe my father was as ignorant and starry-eyed as I was.

Maybe, or at least it was the only thing I had inherited from him.

Koschei was never innocent; he wouldn't have known purity.

Innocence meant ignorance.

Ignorance meant absence of care.

And when we were children weren't caring about the soft spot between our legs. Unless of course you got kicked in it. It was simply of no further interest to us. Or at least to me.  
>I had it assumed to be the same with Koschei. But I never knew.<p>

And maybe he even knew back then that there was something important about it – or at least that it could be, that it would be when we were both grown up and sexually mature.

Koschei was curious. He was always curious about something. Sometimes it was about finding another way of annoying my father; sometimes it had something to do with things he couldn't get his head around; and most of the time it was me.

Curiosity killed the cat. And it was neither the veterinarian nor the butcher who brought her back.  
>It was satisfaction.<p>

It was always about satisfaction with Koschei.  
>Satisfaction. Longing for it; driving him.<br>Driving him mad.

As mad as a Chester cat  
>... or Cheshire cat? Which was it again?<p>

"Theta-Sigma! Attention!"


	48. Chapter 48

"Theta-Sigma! Attention!"

I looked up from my desk. My eyes trailed towards a furious face framed by a bale of greyish frizzy hair. Ms Reprics glared and raised an eyebrow at me.

"Daydreaming again, weren't we?" she asked displeased and threw a pile of book at me while standing three rows away from me. The students in front of me ducked or got out of the way and I watched the books collapsing onto my desk, eyeing them up carefully one by one.

"Catalogue them after the lesson. And now start paying attention, 'alice'!"

I shrugged.

Ms Reprics had started calling me by girl's names after the incident in her office. I didn't know why. But I had stopped caring weeks ago.

And 'alice' was a human girl's name she had recently discovered in a book I had saved from being burnt up. Ms Reprics's part of the secret library was running over. And she had started burning books which were of minor interest to her. And only because the book had been in human language I had hid it from her and read it myself.

Ms Reprics thought that 'alice' fitted me. Not only because she believed that it had emerged from 'malice'; the 'alice' in the book was a curious and ignorant child, a dumb brat (how Ms Reprics designated her) and therefore it would be an adequate name for me.

Ms Reprics spun around and focused on Koschei who was staring out of the window, a behaviour which was provocative as well as inadequate, at least to her.

Ms Reprics picked up various books from a pile right beside her desk and threw them at Koschei, whom she hit in the face with them. He didn't even flinch but turned his head in her direction quietly. Ms Reprics pointed at me again.

"Catalogue them as well! You can start collecting those books right now."

"Yes Miss" I replied quietly and arose from my seat, one of my hands pressed against my abdomen. I tried to shield it from the other's views. I didn't want them to catch a glimpse of it.  
>I felt so ashamed of myself.<p>

"And try not bumping your head against his groin again. Or at least not repetitively" snapped Ms Reprics "You disgusting little brat."

I wasn't sure if Ms Reprics was either referring to me or Koschei, but I didn't bother.  
>She had been crotchety for the past few weeks and you were well-advised not to answer back.<p>

Her cane was in the mood for fracturing backs.

I crawled under Koschei's desk and gathered two big ponderous tomes as well as a small flat book which disintegrated in my hands. It was in human language and therefore I made the mistake of thumbing through it.

The cover sheet was missing but on the first pages it was repeated.

"The vacuum of infinite space decompressing" by a human reverend.

I pocketed it without giving it much thought.

Koschei chuckled above me as he ran a hand through my hair while I was still kneeling under his desk.

"Finished pleasing him?" hissed Ms Reprics between gritted teeth.

I blushed while crawling out and getting to my feet again.

"No Miss… I mean, yes, Miss… No, I…" I tried to defend myself by Ms Reprics silenced me with a thud of her walking stick.

"Have a seat" she snapped before adding in a lower voice "If you can sit."

Koschei burst out laughing.

Ms Reprics picked up some books and threw them at Koschei, scoring one or two hits. But that wouldn't stop Koschei from laughing.

"Quiet!" she bellowed before rushing towards him and hitting him on the back with her cane.

Koschei fell silent but wouldn't stop smiling.

"Disrespect is one of the first stages of abasement of morality" stated Ms Reprics and walked back to her piles of books before turning around and facing me again "and so is lewd conduct."

I stared at my desk but wouldn't stop blushing.

Koschei was bubbling over with laughter again.

"Would you be so kind as to explain your exhilaration?" asked Ms Reprics harshly.

"Certainly Miss" replied Koschei, imitating my voice "You know… you've got to know what you're talking about..."

"Impertinence!" Ms Reprics cut him off "You've got some nerves…"

"Erubeske Rubea."

Koschei had silenced Ms Reprics by two words and her abrupt hush made your ears buzz.

I wasn't the only one who turned his head to Koschei.

Ms Reprics stared at him in shocked silence and mouthed the words herself again. Koschei smiled at her confusion and leaned back in his chair. The others had become silent and stared at Ms Reprics irritated. I tried to evade her look but guessed that she'd caught a glimpse of me by now. Since Koschei had been impossible to unnerve or destroy she preferred to vent her spleen on me.

"Theta!" her voice was a mere but hateful whisper "Translate!" I tried to straighten up but didn't want to give her a clear view on my swollen abdomen. "Certainly Miss" I mumbled "It's Latin, Miss." I gave it a quick thought but thought it best not to continue. Koschei had mocked me because my Latin was a bit rusty, but it was still sufficient enough to understand what he'd called her. "I said translate!" repeated Ms Reprics, whose voice had stopped trailing off; it now was as cold as always. "I assume that it is a name, Miss" I went on and stared at my desk. The other students turned around and observed me carefully while I was searching for the right expressions. "And what would you assume does it mean?" she snapped. Ms Reprics spoke quietly which was something to be worried about; usually she talked unnecessary loud.  
>"Erubeske derives from erubscere, pronounced ērubēscere, which could be translated as "to blush" or "to blush with shame, Miss". "Conjugate!" commanded Ms Reprics. I struggled to recite the listed words in my mind correctly.<p>

"That's enough" snapped Ms Reprics after "erubescunt".  
>"Tense?" she asked dictatorial. She moved closer and stopped as soon as she stood right in front of me. I slumped in my chair unintentionally.<br>"Tense?" she repeated. "Present tense, Miss..." I replied quietly.  
>"You have to speak up" interrupted Ms Reprics "otherwise the other children won't be able to hear it. And they can learn a lot from you. You're a refined person and very well read."<br>I didn't dare to meet her eyes.  
>I whispered "Thank you, Miss." and hoped that it would be over soon.<p>

Ms Reprics smirked. "Which book did you steal and devour to know this, may I ask?" she went on.

"I didn't steal anything" I replied aghast. Ms Reprics smashed her cane down on my desk; the deafening sound echoed in the small room.

""I didn't steal anything, _Miss_"" corrected Ms Reprics; her furious glare seemed to burn everything within its reach. I nodded quietly and whispered "Please excuse me, Miss. It won't ever happen again, Miss."

Ms Reprics stepped aside and turned around, facing the other students who didn't dare to even breathe audibly. "I'd prefer you to respect other people's properties" she mumbled half to herself "there is a reason why you're not allowed to read those books."

"Certainly, Miss" I replied quietly.

Ms Reprics walked up and down between the desks.

"Finite verb form?" she asked. "Yes, Miss. Imperative." I replied.

"So... what do you think it is supposed to mean?" asked Ms Reprics snappy.

"I don't know Miss..."

"I didn't ask you for what you know" interrupted Ms Reprics "I asked you for what you think. So, once more, 'alice', in case you _think_ what do you _think_?"

"I think it's a pejorative term, Miss" I replied quietly and stared at my desk.

"And what makes you think so?" she enquired.

"Because it's..."

"Why do you think someone would be called 'Erubeske Rubea', what do you suppose stands the 'Rubea' for?"

One or two uneasy students cleared their throats.

"It's Latin, Miss" I mumbled.

"Speak up!"

"It's Latin, Miss" I managed to get out as loud as I could, which was nothing but a barely audible murmur "It means redhead, Miss."

"Why 'Rubea'?" asked Ms Reprics.

"Because it was meant to designate someone who had red hair, Miss?" I asked uncertainly.

"No, why the 'a'?" she went on and rolled her eyes.

"It's a female name, Miss?"

"Was that an answer or a question?" snapped Ms Reprics.

"Both" chuckled Koschei beside me.

"You want to add something to your toy's explanation?" assumed Ms Reprics. I felt the heat in my face rising again.

"Pull- and push along toy, Madam" Koschei smiled "and yes."

"Miss!" yelled Ms Reprics.

"That wouldn't be quite sufficient, Madam" replied Koschei "for as far as I'm concerned that name was given you. And I don't suppose that Theta is ever going to speak up so I might as well translate it myself; it means "blush in shame before the redhead", but not the redheads in general. Freely translated it stands for "blush before the scarlet harlot"..."

"That's enough!" snapped Ms Reprics and Koschei fell silent and popped his head to one side.

Ms Reprics had neared him and raised her can to whack him over the head with it. The usual whistling noise could be heard as she whizzed it through the air but it never reached Koschei's head.

Koschei had grabbed her stick and held it imperiously before snatching it from her and breaking it in half.

Ms Reprics stared at him with disbelieving eyes; Koschei had arisen from his seat.

"Don't you ever dare to slander my toy, Madam" Koschei had stopped smiling and pushed Ms Reprics aside before grabbing me by the hand and hauling me out of the room.


	49. Chapter 49

I fled to my room, followed by Koschei who wouldn't stop chasing me through the corridors.

I had slammed the door shut in Koschei's face but he entered right after me nonetheless.

I crawled under my bed and crouched into the furthest corner; I shivered all over and had a hard time gasping for air.

I was too scared to even move a muscle.

Koschei had offended Ms Reprics. And I knew on whom she would vent her spleen.

Koschei searched through the scattered pages in my room and whirled those which seemed to annoy him through the air; he rummaged around his unloved belongings before turning around with something in his hands.

"Don't hide from me" he smirked and knelt down in front of my bed. I pressed my back against the cold wall and trembled with fear.

Koschei's head appeared in front of mine.

"I always know where you're hiding."

"Why don't you just go and take the blame for this yourself?" I snapped and pushed Koschei's face aside. I curled up into a foetal position before daring to whimper quietly. "Why can't you leave me alone?"

Koschei sighed and reached under my bed. He grabbed me by one shoulder and protruded my cold and shivering body, no matter how much resistance I offered.

Koschei simply shook his head and managed to get me into a kneeling position.

I glared at him, my eyes were filled with hatred and averseness; but Koschei could sense my desperation.

"Leave me alone, Koschei!" I yelled at him "Leave me alone!"

"I promised you that I'd never leave your side" explained Koschei and grabbed my shoulders again.

"But I don't want to you stay by my side anymore" I became more and more uneasy; Koschei's eyes flickered, their colours changing from warm amber into glistening gold.

His instincts arose; the void consumed him.

"Don't you understand that, Koschei? I don't want you anymore! I don't want you!"

"Take off your clothes" ordered Koschei.

"Lock the door" I was dumbfounded but managed to retort those words instantly. I hoped that I would thereby achieve to distract Koschei.

It was bad enough trying to fight Koschei off. But the void...

I folded my arms after Koschei had hauled me onto my bed. I hid my bruised ankles under the covers. "I don't want Ms Reprics to see me ever again."

"Well, then it's probably no good hiding in your room for she will suspect you here" replied Koschei and started pulling on my garment. I shoved his hands away before Koschei slapped me in the face.  
>I pressed my hand against my cheek; I stared at him aghast.<p>

"I said take off your clothes" repeated Koschei and undressed me impatiently; Koschei pulled on my garment, and thereby on my wrists, causing me to yelp.

"Koschei let go off me!" I yelled and reached for his neck, trying to suffocate or at least hurt him. Koschei pushed my hands aside as if I wasn't even offering resistance, as if he wouldn't even feel me touching him.

I wrapped my arms around his chest and dug my nails into his back; Koschei started groaning.

"Koschei, I don't want this!"

I felt the void rinsing through my mind again but managed to keep it off by reciting the words I remembered, the words I couldn't forget.

Thy words shall not be heard...

Thy words won't be overheard...

Koschei fixed me on the bed and protruded an apple. He smiled before pressing it against my naked skin and moving it up and down on my thighs.

"It smells a lot better afterwards" he explained as I looked away. "Really, Theta. It's a lot tastier."

"You're disgusting" I mumbled and lay beneath him motionless.

He rubbed the apple in his hand against my inner thighs, ranging it from my knees to the head of my thighbones. I pushed his hands aside as soon as he started trailing the apple up to my crotch.

"Stop it Koschei!" I hissed "Just stop it!"

Koschei popped his head to one side as if giving my plea some thought. In the end he shrugged.

"You can't tell me that it tastes better afterwards if you rub it against that part of my body" I snarled and folded my arms above my chest.

"Oh, it does, Theta" smiled Koschei "it really does. There's something about you... Something about the scent of your body... this tang..." Koschei closed his eyes while breathing in deeply; he lowered his head and sucked in deeply, sniffing and nosing my body while breathing out. His mouth was slightly ajar; I could hear him chuckle.

"Oh, Theta..." he moaned quietly "You don't even know... you don't even want to know..."

"Get off me for any God's sake!" I yelled and drummed my fists on Koschei's chest "I hate you, Koschei! I hate it when you're like that."

"I'm just me" replied Koschei "And you are quite tense. You should relax. You should calm down."  
>"Then go away!" I yelled at him and wanted to arise from my bed; Koschei pushed me back onto it before reaching for my neck. His fingers stroked the back of my head before paving their way to go deeper; Koschei petted my neck while working his way down my spine. I rolled my head into the nape of my neck and sighed. I tried to breathe out deeply without becoming too uneasy.<p>

"Koschei what are you doing?" I asked; I was at least a bit unsettled.

I didn't trust Koschei anymore. I couldn't trust him.

I knew that I couldn't trust him anymore, not after what he'd done to me!  
>And yet I wouldn't just abandon him, I wouldn't simply run away and leave him.<p>

I couldn't do it.

I was too weak; I couldn't be strong minded. I couldn't run.

I couldn't run from him.

I was stupid. I was too stupid to just leave him be, to simply try to forget him, make him part of my past, just abandon the probably worst part of my childhood.

I simply couldn't.

Koschei wouldn't stop fondling my neck.

"Theta, you're tensed up again" mumbled Koschei into my ear and stroked my neck with intensifying force "Just relax."

"I can't relax as long as you're around me!" I snapped.

Koschei chuckled. "Then you should better get used to feeling tensed, I suppose" concluded Koschei and pressed me down onto the mattress.

I closed my legs unintentionally; Koschei raised a smile and commented my movement with a small derisive laugh.

"Still you need to be tethered up?" he asked and chuckled.

Koschei fixed me on the bed with one hand while his eyes scanned his belonging, which were still scattered all over the floor.

"I knew that I'd had one of those... what do you call them again? Long things, natural or synthetic fibre, pretty durable, your father used to tie your legs together with them and you wouldn't stop picking on your wounds because these things chafed against your skin, what are they called?"

I clutched at Koschei's arms while having a hard time breathing. Koschei's hand trailed down to increase its pressure on my swollen stomach, causing me to yelp in pain.  
>"Theta, you're not very much focused" hissed Koschei.<p>

"Get your hands off me!" I whimpered and wreathed beneath his hand.

"Theta, what are them things called?"

I gasped for air and panted.

"These things... you call them ropes..."

"Ropes, of course" Koschei chuckled again "How could I ever forget that?"

"Because you're mad, Koschei!" I screamed at him "You're mad! And now get off me!"

It seemed as if Koschei got a bit annoyed by watching me writhing and wheezing beneath him; but he wanted to make sure that I would remain in the preferred position.

Therefore he arose quietly and knelt above me, pressing his knees against my ribcage and screwed me down. I couldn't start screaming before Koschei had placed a hand across my face.

"You got that all wrong, Theta" Koschei smirked.

I felt his presence. I felt his presence inside of me, whirling through my head like the leaking void.

"Don't try shaking it off" Koschei went on "It's a hopeless struggle for freedom. You can only be free through the void. The void is freedom."

"mewdwess" I mumbled while trying to bite down on Koschei's fingers.

"I'm sorry, I'm afraid I didn't quite catch that" Koschei frowned. I spat out his hand.

"Madness!" I repeated "You don't gain freedom, you gain madness through the void!"

"It's the same thing, isn't it?" asked Koschei mockingly "after all, I'm mad. And I can do whatever I want. Do you see me getting beaten up or picked at by Ms Reprics? Do you see me justifying myself in front of the headmaster?" I stared at the ceiling; Koschei thrust his pelvis against mine and started restlessly moving against my bulged abdomen.

"No" he kept on talking while penetrating my half naked body "And you know why? Because I have my freedom. Because they wouldn't dare to take it away from me." He smirked again while staring down at me; still I was evading his gaze.

"Face it, Theta" he chuckled "The void grants you freedom."

I mumbled something barely audible and dug my nails into Koschei's thighs as he humped me with increasing force; a muted moan was all he had to reply.

I concentrated on keeping him out of my head when he started talking.

"No, Theta, you got that all wrong. Your father was a fine man... but he didn't tell you to close your legs without letting anyone come between them... you can't remember it, right? Well, in fact you can't remember it right, right?" Koschei chuckled again.

He leaned forward with both of his hands pressing against my swollen stomach. I groaned and bit down on my lower lip.

With my father's voice in my head he whispered in my ear.

"Close your legs and don't let anyone cum between them. Except for me."

My jaw dropped as I opened my eyes wide.

I stared at Koschei with disbelieving eyes and did what was best to do:  
>I didn't think.<p>

Without having anything to reply I simply slapped him in the face.

Koschei flinched and tumbled backwards; I wouldn't miss that chance and jumped out of the bed.

"You're disgusting!" I shouted as I was already halfway through the door.

"I hate you!"


	50. Chapter 50

I had hidden in a small store-room until I had made sure that no one had been following me.

My stomach hurt. I had cramps in my lower abdomen and felt them spreading, they dispersed through my body as shooting pain.

I gritted my teeth and pressed my hands against my back.

It hurt... it just wouldn't stop hurting.  
>Koschei must have done something to me by increasing the pressure on my abdomen. I tried envisioning the consequences if Koschei had managed to disrupt the tumour in my abdomen and how it would rupture, leading to a fast but painful end as I would bleed to death due to being internally injured.<p>

I breathed in deeply and closed my eyes, trying to concentrate and calm down.

I wouldn't die. I wouldn't die, right here, right now.

I pressed my hands against my chest and checked my pulse nervously.  
>My hearts wouldn't stop racing. I couldn't find a rhythm in them anymore; my heartbeat was nothing more but a constant humming.<br>I was scared.

But I knew that I had to stay in the store-room until no one was looking for me anymore.  
>If someone was looking for me...<p>

The scorching twinge in my lower abdomen worsened and spread even further. I winced in pain and curled up in a foetal position, burying my face in my hands while whimpering like a hurt and scared animal.

It wouldn't be long, I talked myself into believing this, it would stop soon. And soon I would be able to get out of here, to return to my room, to have a good night's rest, after all these weeks of bad sleep, of terrible nightmares, of Koschei haunting me night and day I would finally be back to sleep, I would finally sleep...

I rolled over to one side and opened my eyes after shutting them closed for a moment.

The pain in my back had been getting better. In fact it had nearly disappeared...

I sat up slowly rubbing my eyes. They hurt. And they felt sticky.

I turned my head aside. My lower abdomen was tensed up again. But that was nothing new. Nothing new after all.  
>The light, which had been protruding from under the door had vanished by now. I pressed my ear against the wood and listened nervously. Either there was someone standing right in front of it or the sunlight had faded away...<p>

I picked myself up once more and reached for the door handle, pushing the creaking door open until it was slightly ajar.

Deafening silence welcomed me from the outside.

Irritated I stepped out of the store-room and looked around, darkness surrounding me.

The pain in my lower abdomen started to spread again, but I was too nervous to care about it, not now.

I walked through an empty corridor to find lights flickering and caught distant flannelly noises. Someone was talking and a small stream of light escaped through a half-closed door.

As I walked past a window I felt the stars staring back at me.

The stars.

I pressed my hand against my forehead and looked around irritated.

I must have slept hours curled up in the small room. No wonder my back was killing me.

Footsteps were approaching and a slender shadow fled from the darkness to flash past me hurriedly. I pressed my back against the cold wall, probably realizing for the first time ever how far my stomach was now protruding.

After the shadow had vanished I felt myself reaching for it with trembling hands.  
>It felt swollen... it felt hard, so unbelievably hard and braced.<p>

The skin above my lower abdomen was stretched and dry; by the mere touch of it I started worrying about it ripping instantly.

I opened the window without giving it much thought, without thinking about the possible consequences of disobeying the rules and not being in my own room at night.

I breathed in the cool and refreshing air of a beautiful velvet night.

I closed my eyes.

It wouldn't make the pain go away, it wouldn't chase away my worries. But it made it a lot easier to bear.

I felt locked up. I felt caged in.

I knew that I needed to run. I could sense it; I could feel it in my bones; in my soul.

My muscles felt twitchy and no matter how hard I tried to control myself: Soon I had to run.

Soon I had to flee.

I refilled my lungs with the relieving darkness once more before closing the window quietly.

I turned around to listen carefully, but it seemed as if no one had noticed me so far, standing in an empty corridor and smelling a peaceful night's air.

I sneaked through the great hall and skulked towards my room, always moving in the shadows, never to be seen. I wouldn't need that kind of trouble again. My last meeting with Ms Reprics was something I wouldn't forget soon... thought I sure wanted to.

Unintentionally I reached for my swollen stomach. The pain intensified by the mere thought of Ms Reprics torturing my diseased body. It wouldn't stop hurting.

The pain was rising again, tensing my muscles, affecting my legs, causing them to cramp and stop all of a sudden as I was only three doors away from a good night's rest...

Just three more doors, I told myself, three more doors and I could go to bed, I could find some peace, I could sleep, I could finally sleep again in a bed without crying throughout the night, without worrying about my increasing abdominal girth, about my stomach that looked as if it was about to pop...

I held my breath in order to suppress an oncoming scream.

My spine was as hard as a pipe and consisted of metal filings... at least it felt like this when the stinging pain in my back arose. My hands clutched onto my lower abdomen and I dug my nails into my skin.

I was about to pop... the tumour must have grown over the hours I had slept.

I rested my back against a wall and bended my knees, biting down on my lower lip until I tasted blood.

I mustn't cry, I told myself, I mustn't cry.

Just three doors, I told myself, just three more doors and I could sleep... just three doors.

I took a deep breath and tried maintaining a cool head.

Agony was rising in my mind. And soon madness was to follow.

In a few moments I wouldn't be able to even stand upright anymore due to the pain in my back and my stomach, I reassured myself.

I couldn't take it anymore.

I knew that it had to end.

I knew that I had t stop it.

It had to stop.

I pushed my hands against my lower abdomen with increasing force.

I felt it.

I knew it.

I simply knew it.

I turned around, three doors away from my desired destination I turned around to face the other way.

I couldn't stay here.

Not tonight. Probably not ever again.

I had to go.

No.

I had to run.

I had to flee, I had to get away.

I started moving, slowly at the beginning. I wasn't used to running anymore. And my swollen and billowing abdomen wasn't much of a help. But I needed to run. I needed to get away from here.

From Koschei, from Ms Reprics.

I needed to be as far away from them as possible, I needed to be alone.

I knew that there was something to happen tonight –

I didn't know what and I didn't know where.

But I knew that it was something they mustn't know about.

And as I rushed through the door I found myself internalizing that I wasn't probably ever coming back;  
>that I wasn't probably going to survive this beautiful in dark velvet covered night.<p>

But I had to make a run for it.


	51. Chapter 51

_Fifty chapters done and only a few more to follow.  
>As celebration a long chapter today and a big 'Thank you' to all those who are followingreviewing/favouriting it._

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><p>And I ran. I ran as fast as I could, as fast as it was possible, as fast as my state of health permitted it.<p>

The leg cramps had become worse, my legs felt swollen and strained. The fast movement was a hell on my back and I was constantly panting, constantly gasping for air, wheezing and breathing heavily.

The velvet gloominess spread across the landscape, conquering the hills I had spent my childhood on, enclosing the large and otherwise beautiful wine-red trees which had provided us with shade throughout the years.

I felt the fear that I was possibly staring at them for the last time right here, right now, creeping over my mind.

Anguish had awoken in its tomb, where it had been buried, where I had buried it long ago underneath sheer innumerable good-natured wishes and hopes.

But now it was time to rise once more.

Small beads of sweat formed on my forehead and trailed down my pale temples.

I opened my mouth wide while rushing through the darkness, still gasping for air, still struggling not to lose control over my body.

My eyes filled with tears, but I had nothing to cry over, nothing I would spill my tears for.

I just wanted to escaped. I wanted to escape myself, my own nightmares, my own fears, my own anxieties, I needed to get away from them.

Two words encircled my mind, closing in around it, narrowing it down, leaving me no other opportunity but to let them gain control over my thoughts.

Tumour. Fatale.

I panted heavily while I kept on running and felt a tremor emerging from my knees.

Ms Reprics hadn't denied that it was fatale, that it was serious, that it was probably even lethal. She hadn't denied it, she had said that I should have gotten rid of it; I knew that I should have hit it, I knew it, now I knew it and now it was already too late!

And I could have screamed at the stars, I could have howl and cried all the way I was travelling, I cursed myself for not listening to her, for not cutting the tumour out of my body while it had still been a size where I might as well could have handled it myself.

I cursed myself for waiting, I execrated myself for experiencing fear, for having feared and dreaded this night for so long even when I had known that it had to come one day.

I never should have disobeyed; neither Ms Reprics nor my father.

I should have kept my legs shut and my mouth shut, I should have bowed and obeyed, I should have done what had to be done, I shouldn't have struggled, I shouldn't have denied and I shouldn't have resisted.

And I never should have escaped the academy.  
>And I never should have stepped out of the store-room.<p>

And I never should have awoken ever again.

If the tumour wouldn't kill me in the next few hours, I assumed that the pains shooting through my body would do it on its behalf. My hearts were pumping like mad, the flesh around my bones seemed to pulsate, I couldn't feel, I couldn't hear, I was blind white madness driven by unimaginable pain, pain that was only fed by my sorrow and my suffering.

And I cursed myself for not knowing where to turn.

And I cursed myself even more as soon as the rattling madness in my skull which would have been my mind came to the conclusion that I was heading towards my home, my former home, the former perfect home, where I would find my parents, no, where they would find me, where they would discover my misshaped and blemished body.

And I wouldn't be able to spare them the sight of me.

But I couldn't do it.

I couldn't let them see me like this.

I stopped immediately, causing my knees to jerk uncontrollably before I tumbled down onto the ground; a lacerating pain rushed through my spine, diffusing through the strained muscles of my back, making my skin become numb and muzzy; and yet the pain was still pulsing through it, pulling at my flesh, tearing at my muscles in opposite directions as if it would try to rip my vertebra column in half.

"No" I mumbled barely audible as I picked myself up again and tried to get into a nearly upright position "No, no, no, no, no...!"

Tears were by now trailing down my icy cheeks, I looked around starry-eyed, my mouth was slightly ajar as I kept on mumbling things I can't even remember now.

I was overwhelmed by horror.

I was taken by fear.

I felt ashamed of myself, so ashamed of myself.

I crept around the corners of our neighbour's houses, hiding in the dark; I had pressed my hands against my lower abdomen but it wouldn't stop the burning pain, I just couldn't stop the arising heat inside my intestines; it felt as if my body would burst into flames any minute now before becoming undone and being blown apart by the constant wind.

My body was pure agony.

My mind had shut down and disintegrated itself without me even noticing it.

I felt... nothing.

Pain had taken over. Fear propped it up. I was tumbling and crawling through the alleys and back yards of our neighbours, driven by helplessness and anguish only.

I didn't know where to go.

I didn't know what to do.

I didn't know.  
>I couldn't think. I couldn't feel. I couldn't know.<p>

The pain had filled my lungs, it rushed through my body and was pumped through my veins, it pulsated in every limb, in every inch of my skin, pure pain, white pain, stinging pain that would take my mind sooner or later, if it hadn't already fallen victim to it.

And as if my hearts and my lungs had given in too, I couldn't feel.

I didn't know where I was.  
>I couldn't see. I couldn't feel. I barely felt the grip on my hands, as someone who had squatted down beside me grasped my hands and pulled them towards them.<p>

I would turn my head and stared into the thick darkness that filled my eyes by now.

Someone wrapped his arm around my back, someone wouldn't let go off my hands but only pull them closer to themselves.

I offered no resistance, I wouldn't budge, I wouldn't move; I wouldn't have been sure if I had still been alive if the pain in my body wouldn't constantly remind me that it hadn't already been over.

I was brought into an upright position again, the dark figure beside me would comment my whimpers and sobs, as it placed their hands on my deformed body, with nothing but quiet words in a soothing voice.

I grabbed the figure's shoulders, I clutched at it helplessly as I got dragged further away.

I didn't see where we were going, my eyes were wide open but I couldn't see in the darkness. I had hung my head in shame and despair, I had lost my orientation and didn't know where we were heading, I had stopped caring about my body and myself in general the last time I had fallen onto the ground.

I was too weak. I was too tired.

I was in too much pain.

My head dangled in the same rhythm as the figure's footsteps, the figure was carrying me slowly but cautiously towards an open door. I lifted my head a bit to find light pouring out of a brightly light room, I was dragged over the door step and was seated on something hidden under a sheet. The door was closed quietly and light gushed into my eyes, I turned my head aside as the figure in front of my stepped away from the source of light on the ceiling, which, as I saw after squinting against it, had been a lamp.

I rested on the sheet, which I assumed covered a sofa, and tried to breathe in deeply. Contractions seared through my body, I felt the muscles in my lower abdomen twitching uncontrollably.

Towels and sheets were piled up beside me; I moved my head in another direction to find the figure, with my eyes I searched the room for the one who had saved me from the freezing cold that crept into my bones now, and found my father staring at me.

I looked up to him helplessly and pressed my lips on each other in order not to scream due to the lingering burning pain.

My father squatted down in front of my and pushed the wet hair out of my face. My eyes followed his movement unintentionally and I snuggled against his hand as he stroked my cheek tenderly.

He would soon stop caressing me as he started fumbling in his pockets. I stared at him starry-eyed and felt my jaw dropping as the next thing he'd show me was a small scalpel, sterile packed.

I searched his gaze and grasped his hands irritated.

"It's time."

Just those three words. My father said nothing but those three words.

He wouldn't explain it to me, he wouldn't clarify what was going to happen to me, he wouldn't dispel my fears by telling me that everything was going to be alright...

I don't know if he even knew that everything was going to be alright...maybe he didn't want me to get my hopes up...

My father wouldn't talk to me. The time had come, I couldn't escape my fate anymore, it had to be done and still he wouldn't explain it. He would still keep me in the dark.

I remember backing away from him as he tried handing me the scalpel. But my father was neither harsh nor nervous; he was calm and composed, acting with a serenity that would have, under normal circumstances, scared me to death; yet back then it soothed me.

After I had accepted the scalpel and held it with weak fingers my father would pick me up carefully and hold me with strong arms while he sat down on the sofa. My father placed a towel in his lap while I was resting on his knees and he would pull me towards him, wrap his arms around me from behind and let me sit on his lap.

I felt my father removing my garment, I saw his hands moving across my grotesquely swollen abdomen before his knuckles closed around the hand in which I held the scalpel.

"Theta, it has to come out."

My father had spoken quietly and waited for me to take the scalpel out of its wrapping. I reached for it with trembling fingers to protrude a razor-sharp instrument.

I panted heavily and saw my abdomen moving with every breath.

"I'm scared" I whispered and winced in pain as my father pressed my hand down onto the stretched skin "I'm so scared... I don't want this... I don't want to...I'm so scared...please...please" it was more a whimper than actually words as I begged my father hopelessly to stop.  
>But he knew that we couldn't stop.<br>I had to end the suffering myself.

It wasn't more than three or four cuts. My father's medical instruments had always been the best.

I gritted my teeth and pushed the blade in, moving it around panic-stricken as soon as I had seen how deep I had managed to get. My father guided my hands, he'd stop me from moving in the wrong direction, he would help me if I started twitching and screaming and would not only sooth me but adjust my grip in the scalpel once more.

But as my strength seemed to dwindle and I had let go off the blade for the third time my father took fate in his own hands and let me cry and whimper in pain as he completed my work accurately and fast.

I had dug my nails into my father's thighs and turned my head aside, my face went for his shoulder and I bit down on it once or twice, causing him to wince. But my father tried to remain steady and wouldn't get distracted by my painful struggle over consciousness.

I felt my father reaching into the gaping wound and groping around before I felt the blade cutting through my warm inside. I felt the blood filling the interior space; I felt my own blood warming the stinging pain which had been my abdominal wall till now.

I let out a cry of anguish as my father started ripping and tearing on the inside of my body.

But I fell silent as shocked horror struck by a newborn's first cry.


	52. Chapter 52

_Author's Note:_

_Chapter's end is rather sad. I promise to supply you with a continuation tomorrow that will be, at least, a bit more satisfying._

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><p>"The unwritten laws of Gallifrey"<p>

Ironically that was a book's title. I had always been curious about why you would name a book 'unwritten'.

But thinking about it that way had been rather superficial.  
>In my defence I can only say that I have been a child back then.<br>"The unwritten laws of Gallifrey" had been one of the books I had discovered standing amongst the other, usually medical, books in a shelf in my father's study.

And I had read it.  
>And of course I didn't understand it.<p>

But I remember reading it, and I remember my father sneaking up behind me and snatching it from me, shutting the book with the words "That's nothing for children at your age."

And I had been so scared that he had descried me while I had been reading one of his books without his permission that I had hid under my bed for the rest of the day.

And Koschei had come to me during the night, sneaking into my room through an open window; he had soon detected me under the bed.

And he had snuggled up against me and warmed me throughout the night.

In the morning my father had apologized for frightening me by his harsh tone and promised me that I was allowed to read any of his books whenever I wanted to, that I never need to ask for his permission. One day, he had chuckled, his books would belong to me nonetheless.

And I had thanked him.  
>And I had never dared to read that book ever again.<br>But I hadn't needed to. I hadn't understood it at the age of eight or nine, but I had remembered it, the book had been burnt into my mind, it was annealed and would stay like this forever. I could recall it. And with the years I learned to understand it, to find its deeper sense.

'The unwritten laws of Gallifrey" was derived from 'unwritten' as 'legally unanchored' meaning that it was no actual law and therefore not actionable.

It could be compared to culture or moral; possibly even manners or practise.

'The unwritten laws of Gallifrey' contained important strategies, rules, commands and customs in order to enable a peaceful cohabitation.  
>On the other hand it was a code of conduct, a code of behaviour.<br>And the book didn't include laws or ordinances. But it contained something far worse.  
>By writing down what had been practise for over thousands of years it had become a dogma.<br>Customs were no longer accepted or tolerated; in written form they had become a moral imperative.

So the unwritten laws of Gallifrey became stronger than the written laws of Gallifrey.

And the unwritten laws of Gallifrey were rather strict. And punishment was to be distributed among anyone by anyone.

As the law's exertion of influence started to dwindle the communities gained strength and prestige.

So what once had been accepted was now compulsory.

'The unwritten laws of Gallifrey' included etiquettes throughout your life; ironically the book didn't start with birth, it began with death. Later on I figured that it didn't make a difference; after all it was a circle, life was a ball to be passed on genetically over the generations.  
>The unwritten laws contained rites and usages, obligating that you had to cremate every living soul that had lived and walked to give it back the earth, as being alive was still being part of it.<br>Therefore you weren't allowed to cremate children that hadn't been old enough to start walking themselves; or, if you insisted on cremating them to fulfil the rite, you had to do it while their bodies were embedded at stacks of wood, floating on a river or just the open sea, to let their ashes never touch the ground but let them return to earth nonetheless.

And the book stipulated that you had to give birth to your own children to declare them as your own, meaning that you had to do anything, you could be capable of, yourself.

Caesarean sections had been common on Gallifrey before the book had been written and though the society had started to single out this surgical procedure of giving birth it couldn't quite get rid of it after it had been included in 'The unwritten laws of Gallifrey'.  
>Society couldn't evolve and develop. Society was stuck with caesarean sections as well as the people themselves.<p>

And my father had forced me into performing it myself for the sake of the unborn.  
>It was thought to be terrible bad luck to let someone else perform the caesarean section on your behalf. Rumours existed that you would connect with the child during the procedure; that you could feel what it felt, sparing yourself the pain of your own body as well as noticing if you had accidently hurt the unborn with the scalpel; and that you could communicate with it, helping you to get in touch before it had even been born, helping you by looking after it during the surgery.<p>

A birth was to be performed by yourself. On your own, all alone.

It would bring misfortune over the parturient part as well as the child itself if someone dared to interfere.

But back then I couldn't have cared less about it.

I couldn't have cared less and even if I was to die instantly after having the child cut out of my body by my father due to the promised misfortune, I couldn't have cared less.

I would have preferred dying anyway.

I was still resting in my father's arms and stared with disbelieving eyes at the newborn beside me. My father had wrapped the baby in a towel and had placed it on the sofa under some sheets to keep it warm. It hadn't stopped crying and I felt my body twitching whenever it would dare to scream.

My father had taken care of the wound; he had stitched it up quickly and placed a bandaged around it to keep my abdominal wall from hinging down.

I stared at the baby starry-eyed and hadn't closed my mouth.  
>Even after feeling the pricking of my father's needle I had stayed quiet.<br>I was unable to move. I was unable to think. The thunderstorm roaring through my head had disappeared. But still I was left alone on the dark.  
>I had borne unbearable pain. But thinking about the blade, feeling the cuts still in my pulsating flesh wasn't as bad as knowing that I had born a child.<p>

I stared in shocked silence at the baby beside me.

My father stroked my cheeks tenderly.

"It's over now" he whispered quietly "Theta, it's over. You can go back now."

I lowered a hand to reach for the newborn when my father grabbed me by the wrist and pushed my hand aside.

"Don't touch it" he hissed "and don't look at it. Just go."

He arose cautiously, helping me to get back on my own two feet again. I couldn't take my eyes off the child on the sofa, the child, my child, my child from whose existence I hadn't even known until a few minutes ago. My father placed on of his hands at my neck while standing behind me; he embraced me with strong arms and I snuggled against his chest unintentionally.  
>He was warm.<br>He reminded me of Koschei. My Koschei. They Koschei I had known and loved.  
>The Koschei who had fallen victim to his childhood's virilisation.<p>

I would have cried if my eyes hadn't been dried out and blood shot.  
>I would have sobbed if my throat hadn't been sore.<br>And I would have shed tears for Koschei if there had been any left.

My father stroked the back of my head carefully.  
>"You can go back, Theta" stated my father firmly "You can return. No one has to know. No one has to ascertain. No one has to care."<br>I nodded abstractedly and tried to look over his shoulder to catch a glimpse of the newborn.

The baby had stopped crying and whimpered quietly as my father shoved me out into the darkness.

I had wanted to protest.

I had wanted to stay.

I had wanted to take the child in my arms, to hold it, to see it, to feel it... to know that it belonged to me. To see it as what it was.

My child.

But my father sighed as he saw the look at my face as he closed the door behind me.  
>He stood by my side in the dark, still protecting me with his arms, shielding me against the strong wind.<p>

"Mark my words, Theta" my father spoke quietly while he caressed my back absent-minded "Don't look back. Don't turn around. Don't stop. Just go. And don't, Theta, don't run."

The wind was howling in my ears and drowned out the sounds from within the house, the sounds of the baby, the newborn's cries.  
>And I felt my eyes water again.<p>

"...but...but the..." I had whispered with wide open eyes as I stared my father in the eyes pleadingly and unfocused.

"Don't worry" my father's voice was soothing "I'll take care of it."

And I had nodded. And I had turned around.

And I could have killed myself for accepting it. I could have killed myself for obeying my father, for facing the gruesome and cold night and simply start moving, mindlessly walking away.

My father hadn't heard my distant sobs as I had reached the top of the hills.

He couldn't have heard them. And he wouldn't have heard them even if he had stayed outside of the house to watch me disappearing in the velvet darkness.

I had stopped after arriving at the top of the hill, after standing beside the trees, the trees that creaked and groaned and whistled quietly.

And I could still hear it.

It was still there, still around me, carried in the wind.

My child's screams, my child crying helplessly for me.

I placed my hands over my ears and faced the increasing wind, I pressed the palms of my hand against my ears and started running as tears trailed down my cheeks.

I couldn't hear it anymore.  
>I couldn't take it anymore.<p>

I couldn't take it!

My child was still there, still in my father's care, he had promised that he would take care of it, and I hadn't been allowed to look at it nor to touch it, he hadn't granted me the favour to hold it in my arms, he hadn't let me catch even a small glimpse of it.

I ran against the wind with my hands over my ears...and my child's voice still echoing in my head.

I was glad when I had reached the academy.

I was so glad to be back, to be home.

I rushed through the corridors and wandered around the halls desperately.  
>My mind was still a mess. A hopeless mess. And I couldn't remember where my room had been located, nor if I even possessed one.<p>

I sneaked around the stairs quietly before reaching a floor that looked at least a bit familiar.

The academy meant home to me.

My home had been destroyed as my father had dragged me out of the house.

He wouldn't have let me stay... he wouldn't have...

I pushed the door open and managed to crawl into my bed after stumbling over several scattered books and unidentifiable objects on the floor.

I collapsed onto the bed and closed my eyes instantly.

I didn't want to think anymore.

I didn't want to be anymore.

I just wanted to find some sleep.  
>I just wanted to sleep.<p>

To sleep during a night that would never end.

I wanted to sleep.

I wanted to be all alone.

And I prayed for anything that would drown out the heartrending cries in my skull.


	53. Chapter 53

_Author's Note:_

_That's going to be the penultimate chapter. I know: It just got interesting and we're near the end again._

_So thanks again for all the followers and favourites and of course the comments._

_Tomorrow will be the final chapter of 'Secrets: Gallifreyan Nights'._

_And I hope you'll enjoy the last twists. Thanks in advance for your continued support._

* * *

><p>"Theta."<p>

I blinked at the dark silhouette in front of me and turned over in my bed. The bloody night wouldn't end. It would never end. It was still dark, it was still night and it just wouldn't end.

"Theta."

Someone was shaking my shoulders gently before poking me in the side.

"Are you dead?"

"I wish I were dead" I replied quietly and cleared my throat. My eyes were burning and the skin on my face felt as if it had been abraded and was now slowly desiccating.

I wanted to sit up as a hand pressed down on my chest firmly. I groaned in pain and opened my eyes wider.

The smell. I knew the smell from above me.  
>Koschei.<p>

"Please Koschei, let me sleep" I mumbled and tried turning around in my bed again.  
>The hand on my chest wouldn't budge.<br>"You look rather dead" replied Koschei and pushed back the duvet.  
>"I'm feeling rather dead" I whispered and covered my eyes with my hands "and I will be quite dead if you won't stop bothering me. Koschei, I want to sleep! I want to sleep, I can't take it any longer, I need to sleep... I need to..."<p>

"You're leaking."

Koschei had nearly cut me off.  
>His words managed to scare me as well as irritate me. I tried sitting up again but was stopped by Koschei's hand once more. Then I felt his other hand reaching for my garment.<p>

It was soaked. It was soaked to the skin...  
>I reached for the upper part of my stomach to discover that it had been the other way round.<p>

My clothes weren't soaked to the skin.  
>The blood from the wound had not only bedabbled my skin but my clothes likewise. And probably even the duvet...<p>

Koschei touched the fresh cut on my abdomen with increasing interest.  
>"Someone's cut you open" he mumbled quietly and fumbled around with the slipped bandage "and yet they had tried to keep you from falling apart."<p>

I wouldn't contradict. Neither would I reply.

Koschei stroked my injured skin before slipping two fingers inside of the wound; my abdominal wall was probably too strained and actually I didn't believe that it was still attached to the rest of my body anymore; I didn't feel pain. I hardly felt anything.  
>Except for the overwhelming sleep, the draining feeling in my bones.<br>I was exhausted. And if my tears hadn't dried I would have been crying.  
>I had stopped making sense as soon as I had felt asleep. I hadn't thought. I couldn't think anymore. I felt my thoughts, my mind, my pure existing circling about a question I wouldn't want to ask myself. And yet it was still lingering in my head...<br>Koschei popped his head to one side and palpated my wound.

"Koschei let me sleep."

I couldn't reply anything else. I had been too weak, too exhausted to even speak to him anymore.

I stayed silent and wouldn't give him any replies.

Soon Koschei had lost interest and would snug me while I tried drifting back into sleep...

"Looks rather ripped to me."  
>"Why would Koschei do that to him?"<br>"Why does Koschei do anything?"  
>"I guess we should inform the headmaster..."<p>

NO!

I had tried opening my eyes and sitting up after hearing the mumbling from above my head. But my body wouldn't budge, my eyes would stay shut and I wasn't able to move, not to move at all. I would stay like this, I would stay like this until someone would discover me, until someone would call one of the head-surgeons and until one of them could identify me as miserable, defiled being, until one of them would see what had been cut out of my abdomen...

_"__No!"_

_The Doctor arose from his bed and stumbled out onto the corridor. He couldn't stay in bed any longer. He simply couldn't. Theta's memories... his memories..._

_He pressed his hands against the doorframe. It couldn't have been described as walking; he tumbled. The Doctor tried to support his nearly upright position by propping himself up against the wall. But soon he had fallen; soon his vision had become blank again, the walls were darkening and closing in around him, turning into a fathomless abyss before he felt himself falling into a bottomless chasm, the fabric of time itself swallowing him up as he was pushed and pulled deeper and deeper..._

A boy or a girl?

Had it been a boy or a girl?

Would I ever know? Would I ever find out?

I had wanted to know it... I had wanted to hold it... I had wanted my child.

Had it been a boy or a girl?

Why couldn't I know?

Why wouldn't they let me know?

Please father... I had always wanted to know...please, let me know...

Please...

Please...

_The Doctor managed to get his eyes open and found himself clutching at the walls in the Tardis. He looked around irritated. The voice in his head had been louder than ever before._

_Theta, where are you?, he heard himself calling in his head._

Why shouldn't I know? It was my child! My child! And he took it! He simply took it from me!

_The Doctor felt his inside catching fire again, but it was worse than before; something had melded into him. Something was emerging, entwining, and besetting him._

_He was infested with something._

_Theta, what are you doing?_

It was my child! I had wanted it! I had wanted to hold it in my arms! I had wanted it so badly!

_Theta stop that! Just stop! You're pulling both of us down._

You're diseased, 'Doctor'. You won't put up much of a fight. Not anymore. You're weakened. You're weakened by your own memories.

_And so are you. Theta, stop that! Stop! I don't want to die!_

Oh, but you're me 'Doctor'. So you've always wanted to die.

_Stop it, Theta!_

You can't stop me.

_Stop it, for any God's sake!_

Pray to any God you like; he won't help you. There are no Gods, 'Doctor'.

_No, there are no Gods on Gallifrey. But we're gone. We're not on Gallifrey anymore. We've fled the planet._

Gallifrey is still in you, 'Doctor. It won't disappear. You're carrying it inside of you. Like the child you never wanted. And like my banished soul. I'll stay there. Forever. I'm inside of you.

_No, you're me! Those were not your memories, neither were they mine; those were our memories. Which means that both of us had died. Which means that both of us will live.  
>The Doctor picked himself up by supporting his body with his hands pressed to a wall again.<em>

_You had died, Theta! You're dead! Together we have died and together we can live! You're me! And I can't change the past, you can't be stopped from dying inside of me. And neither can I stop you from becoming reborn once more._

I just had wanted to hold it in my arms... for a moment, only... just for a moment... my child...

_The Doctor felt tears bedabbling his cheeks as he dragged himself out into the next room._

_Don't cry, Theta. Don't cry._

_Just hold it, just feel it... just knowing that it belonged to me..._

_It was getting rather hard for the Doctor to see a thing as his vision became blurred with the tears of grief of a hundreds of years' silence._

_Don't cry Theta._

_The Doctor crawled through the open door to find himself in a small kitchen. He heard sobs in his head. The crying wouldn't stop. And neither could he drown out the heartrending cries of his newborn child. They simply swept back, the sounds and the memories bursted in and gushed in his skull._

_His newborn's cries... its helpless cries..._

_Tears dripped onto the small kitchen table as the Doctor hung his head while struggling for air. He had thought that he had no longer any tears to shed. But he had been wrong before._

_No sounds escaped his firmly sealed lips but he couldn't stop the tears from welling._

Cry for the child, 'Doctor. Cry for the lost child's sake.

_The Doctor sobbed barely audible and rested his head on the table as his shoulders started twitching again._

_"__Doctor?"_

_The Doctor had heard the footsteps but he had simply ignored them. Even they couldn't manage to drown out the terrible sounds in his head..._

_"__Doctor?"_

_He felt a firm grip on his jerking shoulders._

_"__I hadn't known it!" he bursted out and started crying out loud "My father wouldn't have told me! And I had spent nights awake, whole nights while my head was a constant but painful concealment, I never got a grip on my thoughts again, just the same question was there, in my head, over and over again: A boy or a girl?!"_

_The Doctor sobbed and sniffled aloud; someone beside him pulled a chair and sat down quietly._

_"__I just wanted to find it! I just wanted to know it! I couldn't sleep anymore, I couldn't think straight anymore! I had to see it... I had to see my child!"_

_The Doctor let out a disastrous howl that made Jack beside him flinch; Jack had heard the Doctor escaping his bed once more and he had known that the Doctor had been in a weak state of health; but he hadn't thought that he would be in a weak state of mind, too._

_And he never would have believed that someone as strong-minded and as poised as the Doctor would have been capable of producing cries and wailings that would freeze the blood in your veins._

_"__But I hadn't found it!" blurted the Doctor out; he wasn't talking neither was he screaming; his mind was a thundering waterfall; and his tongue seemed to be just the right thing to drain it out._

_"__I had escaped the academy a week later, I had run home during one of the following nights, driven by the never-ending question in my head. But when I got home I would find nothing! I found nothing! My father had promised me to take care of my child... and I found nothing!"_

_The Doctor got cut off by a couple of heartrending sobs and Jack felt himself patting the Doctor's back unintentionally._

_"__He had promised me, that he would look after it... NO, he had promised me that he would take care of it. But it never would have occurred to me that he had meant 'dealing with' instead of 'caring for' by that. And I came home to find nothing. I had neither given birth to a boy nor to a girl... there was nothing there!"_


	54. Chapter 54

_Jack had sat beside the snivelling Doctor quietly and tried to comfort him by stroking his uncontrollably twitching back._

_He hadn't quite understood the meaning of all this; neither did he knew what the Doctor had been talking about. But he felt even dumber in the lingering, thick silence._

_Not knowing what your conversational partner says is one thing but not knowing what to reply is the other. And Jack felt that whatever he would say it would only make things worse._

_The Doctor found his voice first again and tried helplessly wiping away the tears._

_"__Is Martha somewhere around here?"  
>Jack shook his head.<br>"Should I call for her?"  
>The Doctor went on unimpressed, as if he hadn't even heard Jack's reply.<br>"Did she tell you where she put the bottles with the meds?"_

_Jack looked around in the kitchen and finally discovered them to be standing near the sink._

_"__Which one?" asked Jack. The Doctor didn't bother looking up._

_"__Three of the small white ones. It's the..."_

_"__...the blue bottle, I know. And squeeze before twisting."_

_Jack scuffed over to the sink and picked up the blue bottle._

_"__She gave you instructions?"_

_It was more of a reproach than a question.  
>The Doctor's voice was cold as ice. And somehow it sounded too dark and too old to be real. Or to dead to even be alive anymore...<em>

_Jack wouldn't find the right words to reply fast enough._

_"__Never mind" mumbled the Doctor and placed the three small white capsules Jack had given him on the desk. His trembling fingers tossed them around uneasily._

_"__I never wanted to die" mumbled the Doctor in that strange voice again; Jack sat down beside him and placed and arm around his back carefully. The Doctor twitched but otherwise wouldn't comment Jack's presence.  
>"I just wanted it to be over. I just wanted it to come to a proper end. But no one wanted to end it for me. No one would talk, no one would give away a secret, not on Gallifrey..."<em>

_The Doctor raised his head slowly and leaned back in his seat, grief and forlornness coasting freely in his eyes._

_"__It was a fine place, really, Jack. I wish you could have seen it. Secrets were kept. And promises weren't meant to be broken."  
>The Doctor chuckled quietly. His stare was as hollow as a starless sky. But a lot darker. Jack found himself getting lost in the Doctor's dismal eyes.<em>

_"__Ms Reprics had been mad... oh she had been so mad at both me and Koschei. Believing that Koschei had cut me open... and the headmaster blamed her, can you believe that? He said that she was to blame because she had threatened both of us to cut me open as a punishment... and Koschei was mad... he was so mad... who knows, he might have even done it? What do you think Jack?"_

_Jack fondled the Doctor's shoulders tenderly but froze when he caught a glimpse of the Doctor's eyes._

_They were the wrong colour.  
>The dark and glistening hazel had been chased away by an unsettled greyish-blue. Jack couldn't stop himself from staring at the Doctor's eyes.<em>

_The Doctor's eyes reached a teacup on the small kitchen table and he picked it up immediately to observe his face throughout the last remainders of an earl grey._

_He shrugged and tried wiping away the desiccating tears._

_"_I never liked tea very much_" sighed the Doctor and put the cp down to face Jack again._

_Jack shifted a bit uneasy. He had heard a lot about Time Lords, and he had heard a lot of strange things over the past few days coming from especially this Time Lord in front of him; but changing the colour of one's eyes after waking up from a dreadful fever was something he hadn't heard before._

_The Doctor became gloomy again while staring at the dark liquid in the cup._

_"__Ms Reprics had been blamed for my injury. And Koschei wouldn't have denied hurting me, he never did. Though, this time it hadn't been his fault... well, technically it had been his fault, entirely his fault indeed, forcing me into a pregnancy, causing the trouble at the academy by stealing the book, being mainly responsible for the whole 'tying-your-legs-together-at-night'-thing... But you know, Jack? I never blamed him. I never even talked to him again. Not properly. I replied his vicious little remarks promptly with something that would rush through my mind... but I never spoke to him again, not him. Did you get that?"_

_At first Jack raised his head a bit and waited; he didn't know if the Doctor had actually addressed him. And after coming to the conclusion that he had just been asked a question Jack didn't dare to nod; neither did he dare to shake his head.  
>His still wouldn't get what this was all about, if the Doctor was talking about a nightmare, a dream or his past, what happened, who was who and what he got to do with all this and why the Doctor expected a reply from him.<br>The Doctor looked up again and Jack felt his bright eyes melding with the Doctor's dark hazel iris once more._

_"__You know, Jack... he was never my Koschei. Not ever again. I couldn't trust him. I had never trusted him. And I would never ever try to come near him, to be near him. I didn't want to get comfortable near him. I couldn't stand him."_

_Jack nodded his ascent to whatever the Doctor had just said. He sighed quietly and kissed the Doctor's neck. Why could he never know what was going on?_

_The Doctor took a sip of the tea. He shook his head gently before pulling a wry face. He picked up the capsules and placed them on his tongue before giving the teacup in front of him a reluctant glare._

_"__Can I bring you something else?" asked Jack and was about to jump from his seat, but the Doctor grabbed his hand firmly and shook head._

_"__It's alright Jack... he'll get used to it... well, we'll get used to it... well, I'm already used to it, but he isn't and if he's planning on staying awake a little while longer he's got to learn that drinking tea can also be considered normal for Time Lords."_

_The Doctor grabbed the cup forcefully and emptied it in one go. Jack would have cocked an eyebrow at the Doctor but...  
>The Doctor's mournful cries just wouldn't find their ways out of his skull. And the dwelling ignorance was driving him mad.<em>

_"__Who 'he'?" snapped Jack all of a sudden. The Doctor stared at him starry-eyed. His mouth was still slightly ajar._

_"__Who's 'he', what is 'he' doing inside of you and why is 'he' not used to tea?"_

_"__There wasn't much tea on Gallifrey" replied the Doctor and sighed "but there's got to be plenty more teabags in the Tardis so would you be so kind as to make some more tea, Jack?"_

_Jack arose and walked towards the cabinets in the kitchen. After protruding several devices of dubious origin and usefulness he found something that looked the closest to an electric cattle._

_He plugged in the octagonal connector and folded his arms while facing the Doctor again._

_"__And who is 'he'?" repeated Jack his question._

_"__He's me" replied the Doctor "just a bit younger... and quite dead."_

_"__Dead?" Jack mouthed the word again before stepping closer to the Doctor "How can he be dead?"_

_"__He died" was the Doctor's cold-hearted answer "he took his own life. So yes, he was me and I took my own life; not all lives of mine were ended with a natural cause, like getting shot in the back by a Dalek or having an angry mob of Draconians pour a cauldron filled with liquid metal over your head. Sometimes a Time Lord has to die without dignity, simply ending it himself when he can't take it anymore. And I know that it's a bad thing to do and that it's a bad thing to say. But I can't help it, it happened nonetheless."_

_Jack sat down beside the Doctor without daring to raise his voice again._

_"__It wasn't even a proper ending" mumbled the Doctor and rested his elbows on the table while placing his head in his hands "nothing spectacular, really. But..."_

_The Doctor sighed again and shifted a bit uneasy. His eyes were gleaming with gloominess_

_"__I never thought I'd make it another day. After I had returned from my parents home... I had found nothing there. Just nothing! My father had promised me that he would take care of the child but I found him alone in the house. And I didn't dare to ask him. I was too shocked... I figured I wouldn't want to know what he'd done to it... After hearing its screams, its never ending screams..."_

_The Doctor placed his hands over his ears again and sobbed. Tears welled up in those sad hazel eyes and Jack felt his heart drop when the weary Doctor looked up to him before burying his face in his hands._

_"__I hadn't even wanted to know what he'd done to it. I hadn't dared to ask. He had taken care of it. There had been a problem and my father had taken care of it... well, I never thought I'd make it back to the academy. But I did. And I never thought I'd make it through one of Ms Reprics lessons again. But I managed that, too..."_

_The Doctor sighed and leaned back in his chair, unimaginable strange pictures dancing in front of his eyes._

_"__I lasted a month. A whole month I pulled myself together with a mind as blank as a cup of a fine tea set and though my mind was still circling around the same question... I don't know how I made it. I can't tell you Jack. Seriously. And it wasn't as if I was planning something, or if I was constantly thinking about suicide... I never thought much. I had stopped thinking after my father had managed to cut my upper abdomen open to protrude a child... I never thought about it much..."_

_Jack felt his stomach turning into a knot and stood up to pour some hot water into a kettle he had made available. He watched the water changing colour; he felt that he had needed something to distract him._

_"__That day I had... call it suicide, call it self-inflicted death, call it whatever you like... well, I personally always liked the German term 'Freitod' while as it means suicide, it combines both words 'free' and 'death' into a word stating 'death of your own free will'... always found that quite fascinating..."_

_Jack looked the Doctor in the eye and nodded, more out of fright than out of approval._

_"__Oh, and you don't commit 'Freitod'. It's 'Freitod wählen' you chose the death of your own free will... and that's what I did. I chose it. I had made my choice."_

_The Doctor waited cautiously before Jack placed the cup in front of him._

_"__That day had been terrible... in fact all days had been terrible since I had run away from my parent's home at night for the second time during the same month. And I remember being in my room and staring at the ceiling and desperately wondering what the child could have looked like. And then my window opened and Koschei climbed in, watching me with curious eyes and then... well, you know Koschei. No, I mean of course you didn't, but he did what he always did; he exploited me to his own benefits, meaning he tied me down to the bed and violated my body several times before leaving the room again. I hadn't even offered resistance... I had simply succumbed to my fate..."_

_Jack felt his intestines turning again and rushed over to the sink before throwing up. The Doctor hardly even noticed his absence beside him._

_"__But Reprics... Ms Reprics had already awaited me in her library, ordering me to drag around useless books. She had seen my weary and pain struck eyes but she had welcomed me with nothing but: "Tupped by Koschei again, weren't we? My dear thing, if you don't stop casting his young you won't have time to study between the bastardies."_

_And after that she had shoved me into a room and beaten me up for getting her into trouble for cutting myself free from that child.  
>And then I had run into my room. And after becoming sick of the stench of sweat and semen in my room I had climbed onto the roof. But I had found nothing there. And the questions inside of my head had driven me insane.<br>It wasn't night, it wasn't beautiful, it was a sky draped in clouds and nothing more. It didn't start to rain, the sun wouldn't disappear nor was their lightning at the horizon and of course no thunder rolling in the distance. It wasn't atmospheric. It was simply a grey and boring day.  
>And then I climbed back into my room.<br>I didn't slip.  
>I didn't jump.<br>I simply dropped out of the window."_

_Jack stopped coughing and raised his head out of the sink after washing his face as well as the rest of his head. Panting he walked over to the Doctor who looked up to him full of expectation. Jack cleared his throat; he found it obvious that the Doctor needed some kind of encouragement to proceed and therefore he mumbled between heavy breaths: "And then?"_

_"__I regenerated" was the Doctor's blunt answer before he took another sip of his tea. "And that was it. Theta's death, a new Time Lord to be born. That's it. That was simply all."_

_The Doctor became aware of Jack's distressed stare and went on in a cheery voice: "Oh, but don't worry about him. He's still there. Save and sound in my head. A small voice in my head, indeed. Well, you know the old saying: Sometimes you have to die twice before you die."_

_Jack thought about it for a moment. Then he shook his head._

_"__Was this common on Gallifrey?"  
>"What?" replied the Doctor.<br>"That you have to die twice before dying properly... was it this way on Gallifrey?"  
>The Doctor shook his head.<br>"No, I thought... don't you say that on earth? You don't? Blimey, where did I get that from?"_

_The Doctor chuckled and patted Jack's back before helping himself to some more tea._

_"__And sorry again for rambling on about my life" sighed the Doctor after hours of dead silence._

_Jack was still pale. His face hadn't found its colour again and the Doctor started to wonder if it had decided on staying like this forever._

_"__Got a bit distracted there, you know... lost in my thoughts and such... inner voice trying to take over, Theta trying to kill me... you know, that kind of thing... nothing we haven't experienced ourselves, have we?" chuckled the Doctor before catching a glimpse of Jack's facial expression again. He shrugged and sipped his tea._

_"__You were raped?" asked Jack cautiously._

_The Doctor shrugged.  
>"Several times I assume" he retorted without batting an eye. Jack shook his head.<em>

_Jack felt the annoying silence spreading again; there was no way of stopping her except by asking:  
>"And the child? Did you... would you ever... I mean was it..."<em>

_The Doctor looked up again._

_"__The child?" he repeated and cocked an eyebrow at Jack "What child?"_

_"__The child... you were talking about... a child... your child... did you ever get to...?" Jack asked cautiously and wondered when the Doctor's mood would change again._

_But there was nothing to come._

_"__Oh, that child" was the Doctor's answer before adding: "It was a boy. Well, boy would have been too nice... it was a brat!"  
>Jack stared at the Doctor in bewilderment.<br>"It was the first of many children... there were a lot more to follow... well, I didn't carry them... well, at least not all of them, I think... well, I can't even tell you how many those had been in the end, you know, somewhat after six or seven you simply lose track of them..."_

_"__Seven children?" asked Jack and raised his brows as the Doctor._

_"__Possibly more...don't ask me."  
>"And the first child..."<br>"The boy was nothing but a rascal... And I had to deal with him myself. My parents would tell me about him after... you know the incident with the window and me spurting my guts over the courtyard of the academy... well, I don't think they really spurted, wouldn't work like this I guess."_

_"__Your parents heard about it?" wondered Jack._

_"__Well yes... why shouldn't they... I mean I know that you had schools or groups or pods or whatever they used to call it in the fifty-first century but... wouldn't they let the parents know if anything had happened to their children?"_

_Jack nodded immediately. "Of course they would."  
>"Then what did you ask me for, Jack?"<br>"I just tried to be conversational."_

_The Doctor sighed.  
>"Jack, you're an idiot."<br>"I know" replied Jack and went looking for another cup._

_"__I guess my parents were quite shocked... they saw me with different eyes... and a different face... and different hair... well, Koschei never showed much interest in me again. I wouldn't let myself get pushed around by him, not anymore. And he wasn't quite satisfied with that.  
>I wasn't allowed to bring the boy to the academy... but I did it nonetheless. It's never too early to start with education, is it?"<br>The Doctor smiled again. Jack sat down beside him after admitting defeat in his search for another teacup.  
>"And the boy... you raised him yourself...?"<br>"Of course. Months later I would have wished my father would have taken real care of him if you know what I mean" chuckled the Doctor "Gosh, that brat was even worse than me."  
>"And its..." Jack searched for the right words. It wouldn't sound appropriate to ask for the child's father if the Doctor had been its father; but the Doctor had giving birth to it... in a way... but calling the Doctor its mother wouldn't sound right, either.<em>

_"__There had been someone else involved in its procreating, has it?"_

_"__Involved in its procreation..." repeated the Doctor in a mocking tone "I never would have believed to hear something like this coming from a human being's mouth, especially not from a human being from the fifty-first century."  
>Jack stared at him with pleading eyes.<br>The Doctor sighed.  
>"Yes, it was Koschei's child."<em>

_"__And Kosce... Kooo... Koschtsch..." after a couple of attempts Jack was close to giving in.  
>"Koschei" the Doctor nearly cut him off.<br>Jack sighed and decided on skipping the name.  
>"And he never knew about his son?"<em>

_"__No, I don't think so... well, I don't know... well, how should I know, he was mad, he is still mad I assume, I never knew what he was thinking and, well...Why should he care?"_

_Jack shrugged._

_"__Any more questions?" asked the Doctor.  
>Jack shook his head.<br>The Doctor nodded.  
>"You have no idea what I have been talking about the past few hours, have you?"<em>

_Jack shifted a bit uneasy. "Not quite" he replied "and I'm not sure if I want to find out."_

_The Doctor chuckled._

_After a while Jack dared to break the silence once more._

_"__Doctor?"  
>"Yes, Jack."<br>"Have you really been mistaking me for Martha?"  
>"Yes, Jack. I'm sorry. But I was in a life or death struggle over my consciousness. So I guess you can forgive me that one, can't you Jack?"<br>"Of course, Doctor" mumbled Jack._

_"__And I guess you will forgive me that I called you by girls names only" sighed the Doctor  
>Jack nodded before giving it some thought.<em>

_"__Selahkeana... you called me Selahkeana..."  
>"Yes, Jack" replied the Doctor and arose from his seat.<br>"Isn't that a Silurian name?" wondered Jack._

_The Doctor owned him a reply.  
>"A Silurian? You travelled with a Silurian?"<em>

_"__There's nothing wrong with having a lovely Silurian girl as your companion" retorted the Doctor and looked at Jack with folded arms "and I don't think that I have to explain anything to a human being from the first century, and under no circumstances I have to justify myself."_

_"__So... how many Silurians did you give birth to, Doctor?"_

_"__Silurians aren't born, they hatch. Don't you know anything about aliens? And you work for Torchwood?"  
>The Doctor left the kitchen accompanied by Jack. The Doctor nudged him in the ribs after thinking about Jack's words for the second time.<em>

_"__Shame on you, Jack."_

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note:<strong>

**Thanks to all of you who have reviewed/favourited/followed this story!**

**I sure hope you like it. Please let me know how you like the ending.**

**If there's anything to discuss (or if I haven't made myself clear; if you want to complain about the story, the characters or the author himself...) feel free to send me a personal message.**

**I don't know if anyone would be interested in reading another Theta/Koschei story, but let me know if you do.**

**And thanks again for all the support and the reviews. I'll be really missing reading them everyday :)**

**So, special thanks to Mabudachi-Trio and Lastsyns! Thank you so much! :D**


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